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Goalcast Originals

Why Bono's Memoir Is a Love Letter to His "Mysterious and Mischievous" Wife of 40-Years
Goalcast Originals

Why Bono's Memoir Is a Love Letter to His "Mysterious and Mischievous" Wife of 40-Years

The Irish singer, songwriter, philanthropist, and outspoken activist Bono has enjoyed a successful career thanks to his status as the lead vocalist of the rock band U2. To many people, the success of the band can easily be attributed to Bono’s passionate persona on stage and as a lyricist. His expressive way of singing and hammy gestures while performing, combined with the social and political themes in his songs that were inspired by his Christian point of view, have helped his public image for the better. In a more controversial way, Bono has also become notorious as a celebrity activist, especially for his campaigns in Africa.RELATED: Struggling Waitress Can Hardly Get Through Her Shift – Then a Customer Leaves Her a Note That Makes Her CryHaving lived a very public life and developed a recognizable persona with his scarves and sunglasses, it comes as no surprise that Bono would join other public figures to write a celebrity memoir. The work, Surrender: 40 Songs, One Story, predictably focuses on his time with U2, his work as a philanthropist, and of course, the parties. However, in his writing, Bono also adds other aspects of his life that heavily contributed to becoming the man he is today. One of these aspects is love, specifically the love shared between Bono and his wife, Ali Hewson.Bono and Ali Hewson’s Family, How They Met, and How They Describe Their RelationshipBono and his wife go way back, over half a century back.The pair met in childhood, and became closer as they grew up. They specifically met at age 12 at Mount Temple Comprehensive School. They started dating in 1976, when they were both teenagers, also the same year U2 was officially formed. In an interview with The Telegraph in 2008, Ali Hewson described Bono as “her first real boyfriend” and also mentioned watching his first performance with U2 in their high school school gym. Six years later, in 1982, Bono and Ali married and they are stillgoing strong to this day. They have four children together, two daughters and two sons. Fittingly enough, the daughters, Jordan and Eve, are the oldest, and the sons, Elijah and John, are the youngest, and both pairs were born a decade apart from each other. Like all children born into a celebrity family, a few of the Hewson children have pursued creative careers of their own. Eve is an actress and Elijah is the lead guitarist and vocalist of the rock band Inhaler. According to Hewson, it isn't nepotism that gave their children opportunities, but their parents’ encouragements to follow their passions. She says of her son Elijah, “he’s the shyest boy and he became a frontman and [she does not] know how that happened, but he found his thing and it’s great to see each of them finding their way because it’s not easy for any kid to navigate this complicated system that’s going on.”Bono and Hewson Discuss DivorceAdmittedly, all relationships come with particular challenges, and when it comes to Bono and Ali Hewson’s marriage, it certainly was not an exception. During the 1980s, U2 hit record stardom leading to countless tours taking Bono away from home and away from his family. RELATED: These Celebrity Divorces Could Have Been Ugly — Here’s What We Can Learn From ThemAs a result, frequent absences began to affect their relationship. Bono was travelling the globe, but when he was home, he wasn't 'present' — Hewson felt alone even when the singer was home. When Hewson mentioned 'divorce,' Bono realized he would have to change his ways, and fast. How Their Relationship Is a Work of LoveIn the end, they found a compromise. In 2005, Hewson said that Bono’s absence during tours allows them to pursue their own dreams while still supporting each other. She calls their relationship a “work of love” and considering how intertwined their respective careers are with their marriage, with Ali Hewson even influencing several U2 songs, this expression makes sense. RELATED: The Simple Secrets to Felicity Huffman and William H. Macy’s 25-Year “Fairytale Marriage”However, while Bono agrees with how his wife describes their marriage, he is reluctant to use the same words. He claimed that he wishes “she wouldn’t use the word ‘work’ because [he has] a feeling there’s an adjective, ‘hard’, that’s inferred.” He obviously refers to the expression “hard work”, and probably subconsciously associates the expression with tedium and burdensome endeavors, which is why he dislikes the label. It comes off an unsurprising, considering he describes his wife in the following way: “She’s incredible. She’s not just a mystery to me, by the way. She’s a mystery to her daughters, to her sons. I mean, we’re all trying to get to know her. She’s endlessly fascinating. She’s… full of mischief.”Who Is Ali Hewson?With one of the most recognizable faces and voices in ‘80s rock, the lack of recognition and rewards that come with that have not been a problem for Bono in a long time. His tours allow him to remain creative in a way a standard married homelife might not. Even though Bono is the more famous person of the pair, his fame-adverse wife had her own passion projects while her husband toured.RELATED: Taylor Swift Proves Yet Again She Is a 10 Out of 10 – There Is Power In Living Your Childhood DreamHewson received a degree in Sociology and Political Science from University College Dublin in 1989, the year her first child was born. Just like Bono, she has been involved with activism for a long time, and the credentials she earned with her degree gives her additional insight on the topics she advocates for. Her efforts include anti-nuclear protests, charities to help victims of Chernobyl, and leadership of a campaign to raise awareness of the dangers of radioactive contamination. Hewson described her life’s work as a product of trying to have a positive influence on people. Bono and Hewson's Advice on MarriageWhile promoting his book, Bono said, "It's quite mad getting married. There's something about knowing you're against the odds. I would say that friendship can outpace romance. When you have romantic love and friendship, that's really something special."While his latest memoir is a book about love (U2, friendships, writing), Bono says that most of it is 'a love letter to Ali.'RELATED: Sigourney Weaver Found the Secret to Her Successful 37-Year Marriage in a Surprising PlaceFriendship and romantic love truly are the hallmarks of any marriage, as is allowing a partner to be themselves, and helping them grow. While they have their peculiarities, fame, and riches, Bono and Hewson’s loving marriage complements their personalities and allows their individuality a flourish, making them, from the outside, a model for relationships. KEEP READING:Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward’s 50-Year Marriage Was Based on Four Words – Two You Wouldn’t Suspect

Here’s Why Joni Mitchell’s Album 'Blue' Will Make You Braver And More Honest
Goalcast Originals

Here’s Why Joni Mitchell’s Album 'Blue' Will Make You Braver And More Honest

Joni Mitchell’s 'Blue' might change you. Originally released in 1971, the album is regarded as one of the greatest of all time. The New York Times noted it as one of 25 albums that signified a major turning point in 20th-century pop music history and Rolling Stone has designated it the third greatest album ever. Simply put, the project is a sonic and literary masterpiece. Written and produced entirely by Joni Mitchell in Hollywood, California, the album is an intimate voyage into the psyche of one of pop music's greatest creatives. At first glance the album is another in a long list of beautiful compositions created during and after a soul-enriching relationship. The raw emotion, power and vivre nestled into the music is immediately recognizable and vividly present. However on deeper analysis it’s evident the music speaks to so much more than just love and break-ups. It’s an innately human piece of work. Intimate, brave and honest, Mitchell has created something that will last the test of time. Joni Mitchell Wrote ‘Blue’ in the Aftermath of HeartbreakThe basis of this revelation is rooted in Mitchell’s honesty that pours over the work as if overflowing in a glass. You feel as if you’re right there with her. Picking apart the events that occurred just as she has, and as anyone does after the end of a once flourishing, all encompassing relationship comes to an end. 'Blue' was written in the aftermath of Mitchell’s relationship with famed songwriter Graham Nash, from Crosby, Stills & Nash, and during an intense connection with James Taylor. (Getty)“The Blue album, there’s hardly a dishonest note in the vocals,” she told Rolling Stone in 1979, “at that period of my life, I had no personal defenses. I felt like a cellophane wrapper on a pack of cigarettes. I felt like I had absolutely no secrets from the world, and I couldn’t pretend in my life to be strong. Or to be happy.”Joni Mitchell Didn’t Hold Anything Back: Not a Single DetailUndoubtedly we are receiving the most raw and intimate version of Joni Mitchell. On the opening track, All I Want, Mitchell carefully creates the framework to her album and lures listeners in. She whispers her every want into the universe, the cravings she misses, the simple things that will no longer be. “I want to talk to you; I want to shampoo you; I want to renew you again and again.” Utterly simple, but devastatingly beautiful and haunting. The strongest of songwriters know exactly when to slip in those subtle details we all experience to paint a vivid picture. (Getty)On tracks like My Old Man she recounts the good in the relationship, admitting the positives he brought her. The safety, protection and light he was in her life. This is often the most difficult to sit with after a breakup, but Joni braves her honesty better than almost anyone else. She’s giving us the full story, and this is part of the reason her album has stood the test of time. It’s real, true and wherever you come from, you can connect to the subtleties she’s left us with. It’s on the title track though, Blue, where we really see Mitchell bare her soul to the world. She admits the ways in which she tries to escape it, the ever longing melancholy that follows her everywhere she goes. “Well, there's so many sinking now; You gotta keep thinking; You can make it through these waves; Acid, booze, and ass; Needles, guns, and grass; Lots of laughs, lots of laughs,” she longs in sultry whispers. One of the most powerful aspects of the entire piece of work is that Mitchell does not pretend to be anything less than she is. She doesn’t hide behind superficial words. She doesn’t tell herself all is well. She especially doesn’t act like the pain isn’t there to be subdued. She is open and honest in her reflections, and most importantly the way in which she’s dealing with her emotions. This is undoubtedly why the album speaks to so many generations. It’s that Mitchell isn’t hiding from anyone, much less herself. Joni Mitchell’s Blue Is About Coping and Accepting RegretOn This Flight Tonight, Mitchell even admits to herself the regret she feels in walking away. She ponders those last few moments and the weight they carry. As humans, it’s so easy to overlook our own actions and decisions. What we’ve done to lead ourselves this way. In doing so we overlook our healing processes and can’t admit where we went wrong ourselves. Finally, on the closing track, The Last Time I Saw Richard, Mitchell comes full-circle on her entire relationship. A microcosm of the life she’s lived, and that we are all inherently living too. She is able to come to peace with her journey, and understandably Richard’s journey too. He hasn't changed, she laments, but in saying so realizes we are all constantly changing yet staying the same. Everything is a passing phase, onto the next version of ourselves. We keep a part of that old version, but simultaneously build anew. (Getty)What We Can Learn From Joni Mitchell's MasterpieceThe important thing to take away from Blue is to understand that honesty with the world, and a far more difficult task, with ourselves, is the driving force to growth. It’s this raw, intimate and honest take that delivers Joni from the grips of her own melancholy to eventually overcoming it, flourishing and moving on. Without that rawness, without that bravery, we’re left with unhealed trauma and work to be done. Blue is the epitome of a breakup album, and that’s why it’s lasted so long. However, it’s also so much more than that. It’s a human album, an album that encompasses the many different roads in life that lead to and away from each other. Openness to oneself, accepting our mistakes, and understanding our healing process is a major signifier that you are on the road to something special. That’s exactly what Joni Mitchell has done with her massive success, 'Blue.' Undoubtedly, she’s left a blueprint for all of us.

Wim Hof: Climbs Mount Everest Wearing Shorts and Shoes
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Wim Hof: Climbs Mount Everest Wearing Shorts and Shoes

Wim Hof - Control Your MindThe lost of his wife to a suicide was so devastating for Wim Hof that he surprisingly found warmth and healing in the cold of mother nature.Transcript:Win Hof’s heart was broken when the love of his life committed suicide in 1995. She left him with 4 children who helped him survive “the black hole” in his soul. He then surprisingly found warmth and healing in the cold of mother nature.The cold gave him a direct understanding of deeper breathing. Through specific breathing techniques, he was able to withstand extreme cold temperaturesby “turning his thermostat up”.In 2000, he swam over 57.5 meters under ice. As he continuously challenged mother nature, he became famous and the world was asking him for more achievements. In 2007, he climbed 6.7 kilometres of Mount Everest while wearing only shorts and shoes.In 2009, he reached the top of Mount Kilimanjaro in Tanzania in 2 days.In the same year and at -20C, he completed a full marathon over the arctic circle in Finland. In 2011, he broke his own Guinness World Records for the third time by staying immersed in ice for 1 hour and 52 minutes.Today he teaches his breathing techniques.“If you can learn how to use your mind, anything is possible.”― Wim Hof, Becoming the IcemanCONTROL YOUR MIND

Runner Purposefully Sacrifices First-Place Win To Help Carry Rival To Finish Line
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Runner Purposefully Sacrifices First-Place Win To Help Carry Rival To Finish Line

One runner shocked sports purists when he sacrificed sweet victory for sportsmanship, sending a powerful message about what matters most. In it to win itSeasoned marathoner Rob Lopez entered the famed 10-kilometer TD Bank Beach to Beacon race in Maine in peak form and with his eye on the prize. However, from the starter’s gate, he knew that there was one person he'd have to beat: young up-and-comer Jesse Orach.“Jesse had a very good spring track year at UMaine. He was the favorite, and I was maybe his best competition," -Jesse OrachThe stakes couldn’t have been higher: Whoever finished ahead of the other would win the prized men’s Maine-resident division of the race and a cool $1,000.With a cushy lead and approaching the finish, it looked like Orach would cruise to victory. Lopez thought so too."The first mile, I stuck with him,” Gomez says. “Then he pulled away. As a runner, I’ve done enough of these to know that it wasn’t going to be my day.”Until it was.That's because just strides from the finish line, disaster struck Orach."But I was so focused on getting to the finish line I stumbled forward for maybe another 10 feet and fell down again,” he recalled. Then the unforgettable happened.He sacrificed victory“It kind of seemed like it was over for me,” said Orach, “Then, I felt someone pick me up.”Incredibly, that someone was none other than Lopez. Turning the final corner, he spotted a collapsed Orach, picked him up and propelled him across the finish line to first place. With that, he passed up both the win and the prize money.A winner for the right reasonsExplaining to the Press Herald, Lopez said that in that moment, camaraderie overtook competition.“It wasn’t a calculated decision,” he said. “It wasn’t because I’m some sort of hero or some sort of special person, because I’m not. As runners, we understand, we pick each other up and help each other.”Orach, like everyone else, was awestruck."I’m speechless with what he did. Him and I were kind of vying for that number one Mainer spot, and for him to give that up for me is pretty remarkable."- Jesse OrachWord of Lopez's gesture blew up Facebook, with almost 600 shares and 6,000 likes/loves along with hundreds of gushing comments. "Now, that is sportsmanship at its finest. Thank you kind sir for being so loving for your fellow runner," wrote one. Added another: "Ok I'm in tears. Thank you Robert for showing all of us what true athletes, humans are capable of!"Elevating others is what it's really aboutIt almost seemed like Lopez was reading the script to the wrong movie. Most would have thought that this film would end with Lopez victorious, celebrating slow motion with the glory and money. Instead, Lopez did what real heroes do: Elevating others and sharing the spotlight. That's a role we can all strive for. More uplifting storiesThree Women Discover They’re Dating The Same Man – What Happens Next Is ShockingPerceptive Bartender Saves Women From Creep Who Won’t Take No For An AnswerStudent Raises $28,600 For Homeless Man Who Offered To Pay Her Taxi HomeMillionaire Shocks Neighbors By Inviting Homeless Couple To Live In His $4M House

Why Goal Setting Is Important: How to Set Goals to Help You Succeed
Goalcast Originals

Why Goal Setting Is Important: How to Set Goals to Help You Succeed

Goals—we all have them in one form or another, though they can vary widely and wildly.And while one person might be planning a trek up Everest and another may be planning to retire at forty, another’s goal might simply be getting out of bed that day. As human beings, we often set goals as a way of improving, or evolving: To lose weight, to get healthy, to improve our attachment styles in relationships, to focus more on our art, to get into law school, or to start a family. But while there is an abundance of goals one can hope to achieve, it often seems there are far more goals that go unfulfilled.This is why the art of goal setting becomes an important skill to master.If you work hard striving for goals and yet never seem to get very far, it’s possible that a little more groundwork could be the ticket. You may need to spend more time reflecting on what you truly want, and turning those clear wants into concrete, formal goals. While it’s most certainly true that the journey is the destination, our chances of ever reaching a destination—not to mention, getting the most out of a journey—depend heavily on our clarity of desire and intention. In other words, clear goal setting is a key part of getting done what we want to accomplish.What is goal setting?(Berkah / Getty)Goal setting can be defined as the process in which you identify something you wish to achieve, and go about setting a timeframe in which to achieve it, complete with measurable objectives along the way. According to famed life coach Tony Robbins, learning to set goals in one area of your life makes it easier to do the same in other areas, and setting goals with milestones along the way which allow for small, progressive wins helps pave the way for larger achievements.People across all backgrounds, experiences, and industries set goals in order to make progress towards them, in large part because goal setting helps us keep the long term big picture in mind while also motivating us in the short term. Ultimately, effective goal setting, proper time management and a well organized goal setting strategy is the key to progress and making the most of your life. By defining smart goals, not only will it help you understand the different types of goals and their relationship to one another, but it will set you up on a road to long-term success. What are the 3 types of goals?Process goalsProcess goals, also known as procedural goals, are based on specific, measurable actions, such as aiming to work on your novel for one hour every morning, or doing yoga for 30 minutes a day. Setting a process goal means honing in on strategies related to what you want to achieve entirely within your control, and finding ways that will increase your chances of accomplishing what you set out to do. Particularly helpful for altering habits and behaviors, process goals often include clearly scheduled plans, such as exercising 30 minutes a day, 5 days a week, for a 1 month. As luck (or dedication) would have it, process goals also help pave the way for outcome goals.Outcome goalsIf process goals are the journey, outcome goals are the destination. Outcome goals are based on the precise end results you want to achieve. This could mean scoring a position you’ve been vying for, getting into the NHL, winning a grant, or building your own house. Outcome goals are challenging to control due to external influences. For instance, saying, “I will become an acupuncturist” tells you what result you’re looking for, but not how to get there. While you can study hard, you don’t grade your own exams. Ultimately, while we can take steps to influence the outcome in our favor, the final results are more or less beyond our control.Performance goalsPerformance goals are largely controllable, though not entirely, and they are based on your personal standards. Aiming to graduate at the top of your class is a good example of a performance goal.Think of it this way: performance goals set the bar for our process goals. They’re results-focused. For example, while your process goal might be to jog an hour a day for 3 months, and your outcome goal might be to win a marathon, your performance goal might involve gradually improving your speed. Ultimately, the best way to attain an outcome goal is to align your performance goals with your process goals.Why is goal setting Important? It’s actually relatively simple. If you want to accomplish personal goals, or improve, succeed, or even excel at something, goal setting practices are necessary. Without them, we lack direction and attention. Agency. Setting goals helps us grab the reins that steer our lives, while also providing a benchmark to evaluate whether or not our trajectory is well-aimed at success. Growth. Setting goals is also the most natural way in the world to set yourself up for personal growth and expansion, as goals and goal achievement push us out of our comfort zones, facilitating transformation in ways that previously may not have seemed possible. Fulfillment. For many, a feeling of fulfillment can only come with the sense that we’re working toward achieving some kind of success, whatever dreams you may have. In other words, progress and satisfaction are profoundly linked.How to achieve your goals(Prapass Pulsub / Getty)It can be very helpful to begin the goal setting process by looking at your long term vision. By breaking down your lifetime goals into smaller goals, you can achieve goals over a progressive time frame: ten years, two years, one year, until you get to next month, next week, and finally, today. Once you’ve looked at the big picture and broken it down into numerous smaller pictures, you’re ready to start moving toward achieving them. This is the key to effective goal setting.Let’s break down this important prep work, shall we?Want to achieve? Here’s how to set goalsBrainstorm. Take 5 or 10 minutes to brainstorm a list of any and all things you hope to do, create, achieve, have, or experience in the next 20 years (or however many years you want). Don’t hesitate—just write it all down, whether it seems realistic or not.Organize. Since deadlines are integral to setting goals, go through your list and next to each goal, indicate how many years (or months) it will take to achieve them.Review. Look through your list again, and select your top 4 goals. Try to pick some short and some longer term. Ideally, these are the goals which excite you. Then, write a blurb for each, detailing why you will definitely be achieving the goal within your scheduled time frame (i.e., what’s driving you to succeed?).Assess. Look over your list again with fresh eyes and determine whether your goals are clearly defined, measurable, and realistic. Do they have a deadline built in? Most of us work best with a bit of pressure in the mix.What are the 5 steps to goal setting?1. Set SMART goalsHarnessing the SMART framework as a 5-step strategy for setting personal goals with a clear purpose can be super helpful for setting you on the path to successful goal fulfillment! Here’s what SMART stands for:SpecificPerhaps the most important thing is that your goal setting be clear and concrete. Avoid vagueness when setting goals because you’ll only end up lacking direction. Think of goals as lanterns, lighting up your path. The more precise and well-defined your goals are, the clearer your path to success will be.MeasurableBe sure to include precise dates, scores, amounts, etc., in your goals so you have a straightforward way of measuring your progress. If your goal is “To eat less sugar,” it will be difficult to determine at what point you’ve successfully achieved it. Instead, come up with tangibles so you can measure feedback, like “a 50% reduction in one year.” That way, you’ll have a much clearer idea when a celebration is in order!AttainableWhile it’s important not to let others tell us what is and isn’t realistic when it comes to goal setting, it’s important to look inside yourself and determine whether it's actually possible to achieve the goals you set forth. If you set a goal you have no hope of achieving (i.e., switching careers to become a rocket scientist) you will end up discouraged. At the same time, try not to set goals that are too easy either. Individuals should have goals that occupy the sweet spot: realistic yet challenging. These are the types that push you to grow.RelevantIt may go without saying, but your goals should be relevant to whatever direction you want your life and/or career to take. Otherwise, why set goals? If your goals diverge with the trajectory you’re currently on, you may end up struggling to make time or stay focused. By keeping your goals aligned with your current path, you'll develop the self-discipline you need to fulfill your goals. All of that said, if your goal is to alter your current life path, and you’re motivated enough to follow through on the challenges, don’t let anyone else’s list of rules discourage you. Time-bound To get what you want to achieve, you have to give your goals a deadline, even if you’re not a deadlines person. Achieving goals is hard to do any other way. Goal setting theory tells us that deadlines give us a well-suited sense of urgency, remind us to celebrate victories (both big and small), and ultimately help us to achieve our goals with time to spare for other things.2. Identify your greatest motivators.Any goals you set for yourself should motivate you, and in order to motivate you, they need to mean something to you. If your goal doesn’t fully interest you, or in some way contradicts your bigger picture, then the chances that you’ll make it a reality are low. One of the best goal setting tips is that, wherever possible, you should set goals aligned with your highest priorities: your career, your couple goals, your family. Without high priority focus, you can end up with too many goals, scattered over different parts of your life. This can be overwhelming or frustrating and leave you with little time to spend on each. This in turn is demotivating. Focused motivation is the fuel you need to make it happen!3. Write it down.Taking the time to think about a goal thoroughly enough to put it in writing makes it real. You no longer risk letting it slip your mind. Use concrete language like “will” instead of “would like to” or “might.” For example, “I will become a personal trainer,” rather than “I would like to become a personal trainer.” The difference may seem negligible, but words have power, and can hold our passions if we use them right.Once they’re down on paper, post your goals in visible places (like your fridge, or your bathroom mirror) to serve as daily reminders.4. Create an action planMany of us skip the action plan step in the goal setting routine, but it’s crucial to achieve goals. We become overly focused on the outcome, to the detriment of the steps needed to get there! Write down every step you need to make, and enjoy crossing them off your list, one by one. This is especially important if your goal entails a long term commitment.5. CommitGoal setting is an ongoing commitment, not just a way of achieving results. Be sure to schedule regular reminders to keep yourself focused, and allot daily or weekly time slots to review and update your goals. While your end goal may stay the same in the long term, how you get there can change drastically. To stay committed to your outcome, check in with yourself regularly to make sure your goals are still relevant, valuable, and necessary to your life. You should still feel excited about them.Why we sometimes fail to achieve our goals(Matt_Brown / Getty)Arguably, coming up with goals is easy when compared with all the work that goes into outlining its specifics, coming up with an action plan, and following through with them despite the obstacles that are sure to crop up along the way. You don’t need to look far to see there are many reasons we fail to fulfill our goals and all the dreams that accompany them. Here are some of the reasons why we fail to achieve our goals, and how to avoid falling into the usual traps:We’re too focused on the effort it takes. Keep your eye on the prize, even through all the hard work.Our goals are vague or unattainable. Be concrete, define everything with clarity and focus.There are too many pots on the stove. Avoid setting goals which are scattered, especially ones that conflict with each other.We plan poorly. Consider all your responsibilities and measure them against your goals: i.e., don’t aim to win a tennis championship the same year you plan to have a baby.We lose sight of our motivators. Don’t lose sight of why you’re striving for something in the first place: that’s your bread and butter, right there.We make excuses. Although sometimes life does get in the way, it’s important to listen to the excuses we make and judge whether we ourselves actually do believe them. We don’t expect any obstacles. Planning for potential obstacles is arguably just as important as planning our goals out—it’s also a good way to avoid being taken off guard and having your whole process derailed.We fail to set deadlines. Sometimes, the best lifeline is a deadline! In other words, to have the right time management, you need a barometer by setting deadlines. Even if they may seem arbitrary, they can actually act as self-fulfilling prophecies. We pay attention to naysayers. There will always be haters and naysayers out there in life who discourage you or plant seeds of doubt—ignore them, because they’re often a sign that you’re doing things right. We’re afraid of failure. Fear of failure, often rooted in perfectionism, can seriously hold us back, yet without risk, we achieve nothing. Overcome this and avoid sabotaging your goals!We procrastinate with the best of them. Of all the reasons we fail to achieve our goals, procrastination is the most widespread. According to the Harvard Business Review, one of the best ways to beat procrastination is by committing publicly, or telling as many people you can about your goal so you have people to hold you to task.The good news is, the main reason people fail has to do with how they set their goals. And this, as we’ve seen, is something that can be corrected. The other good news: if you’re not failing at something, you’re not doing much. Even if you don’t achieve a specific goal, chances are you’ve made a good deal of progress. The real question is, what will you do with your failures—and your successes? When you fail, you’re always free to go back and reevaluate your process to gain insight about what you might have done differently, and when. Analyzing our failures help us alter our strategies and tackle our goals from fresh new angles. After all, even if the results you want are highly specific, there may actually be numerous different ways and systems you can use to reach your final destination. Once you determine what it is that caused you to fail, you can choose to learn from it (we should all do the same with our successes, truth be told). Every single time we set a goal, we have the opportunity to learn something new.

What Is Mindfulness? A Guide To Starting (Or Restarting) Your Mindfulness Practice
Goalcast Originals

What Is Mindfulness? A Guide To Starting (Or Restarting) Your Mindfulness Practice

Take a second to pause. Is your breathing deep and peaceful, or tense and shallow? Are you holding tension in your body? Take a few deep breaths, look up from the screen, and pay attention to your surroundings. What sounds do you hear? What do you see? What does the weight of your body feel like against the chair you’re sitting on?So often in life, we’re in a state of autopilot, rarely stopping to absorb what is available to our senses, rarely stopping to just breathe, and take a moment. But if you took this moment to pause — well done! Your mindfulness journey has already begun. Unless you’ve been living on the moon for the past few years, it’s likely you will be familiar with the concept of practicing mindfulness. In the United States alone, the meditation market is predicted to pass $2 billion by 2022. From smartphone apps to boardrooms of Silicon Valley CEOs, both mindfulness research and mindfulness training is a big deal, and it’s everywhere.But what is practicing mindfulness exactly? What’s the link with meditation? And how do you practice mindfulness in your day-to-day life, away from buzzwords and commercialization? This article will provide you with a thorough overview of mindfulness, along with practical tips to get you started. Just like reading quotes on mindfulness, hopefully this article also offers renewed inspiration for those looking to reignite their practice. Now, take another deep breath, and let’s explore.What is the definition of mindfulness?(Getty)To understand what mindfulness is, it’s important to explore both its traditional, Eastern roots and the common Western approach, which has been heavily distilled and repackaged. But let’s begin with a straightforward definition of the mindfulness most of us are familiar with, from Mindful:“Mindfulness is the basic human ability to be fully present, aware of where we are and what we’re doing, and not overly reactive or overwhelmed by what’s going on around us.”Mindfulness originates from Buddhism, with the term itself translated from the Pali word, sati. This is a state of pure awareness, beyond mental activity. The Buddha taught that suffering is caused by attachment, either through resistance or indulgence. In an endless cycle, we cling to things we like and run away from things we don’t like. Yet mindfulness teaches us how to become aware of, and accept, all experience. In doing so, we develop a closer, more intimate connection to the present moment.Core to Buddha’s teaching is that there is a path away from suffering and that much of our suffering comes from ignorance of the nature of reality. Equanimity is achieved by developing concentration and noticing the ever-changing, impermanent nature of thoughts, feelings, and sensations, with non-judgment.Here’s the biggest issue with modern mindfulness — in the philosophy of Buddhism, mindfulness is contained in the “Noble Eightfold Path,” a teaching that leads to the end of suffering. Mindfulness is contained with the concentration section of that path. It is taught alongside Ethics, Wisdom, and Meditation.“With the way mindfulness is being used in the West, we put aside Ethics and Wisdom, and from Meditation, we’ve taken a very tiny part of that: something Buddhists call ‘right mindfulness’,” Ronald Purser, author of McMindfulness: How Mindfulness Became the New Capitalist Spirituality, told Tribune Mag. “Meditation is not just mindfulness and breathing and paying attention to sensations – that is the very thin end of a big wedge.”Purser’s description of “McMindfulness” applies to the simplified and commodified version of mindfulness in the West. The practice of mindfulness that has become a hallmark of the corporate world, as a tool to improve concentration, boost productivity, is only a small fraction of the full benefits of mindfulness. It often lacks the supportive, philosophical structure surrounding its application.However, this article won’t delve into the spiritual connotations of mindfulness. As someone who has benefitted hugely from mindfulness in the context of Buddhism, it feels important to provide historical context. But if you aren't a Buddhist, that’s alright. There are still a host of benefits to be gained from a mindfulness practice.Why is mindfulness important?(Martin Puddy / Getty)As Buddhist monk Thích Nhất Hạnh says, “Many people are alive but don’t touch the miracle of being alive.” We aren’t taught at school how to manage our busy minds. Without training, we develop what is referred to as the monkey mind, an over-active, out-of-control mind that essentially runs the show. Although we feel we’re awake and in control, we act on autopilot most of the time.This isn’t an exaggeration. A 2010 study, co-authored by bestselling author and social psychologist Daniel Gilbert, found that participants were “mentally checked out” 46.9% of the time. That’s almost half of their time spent focusing on their own thoughts, not the external world or the task at hand. And, even more worrying, this mind-wandering contributed to unhappiness.When distracted by thoughts, we’re less present to what’s unfolding in front of our very eyes, the miracle of being alive that Thích Nhất Hạnh mentions. More modest than the miraculous, being caught up in thoughts causes us to miss the tiny details — the feeling of the sun on your skin, the sound of birds, the breeze in your hair. And, it causes us to miss the subtleties during our interactions with others, too.What are the benefits of mindfulness?Dr. Ellen Langer, the “mother of mindfulness,” is a professor in the Psychology Department at Harvard University. She has dedicated 40 years researching mindfulness, and her work at Harvard has illustrated benefits ranging from slowing down the aging process, to boosting creativity, to having more flexibility and choice.“I’ve been studying this for nearly 40 years, and for almost any measure, we find that mindfulness generates a more positive result,” she told HBR. “That makes sense when you realize it’s a superordinate variable. No matter what you’re doing—eating a sandwich, doing an interview, working on some gizmo, writing a report—you’re doing it mindfully or mindlessly. When it’s the former, it leaves an imprint on what you do.”Mindfully or mindlessly?Langer explains that top performers in any field will be mindful in nature. Think of Michael Jordan, who focuses so intently on the moment, each shot, each run, and each in-game decision. Or a world-class musician, whose mind falls silent as they become one with the music.The opposite is true with what Langer terms mindlessness (the monkey mind mentioned earlier). You’re more likely to miss out on opportunities, skip past life’s subtleties, or never be fully engaged with any immediate tasks, which ultimately makes these moments less enjoyable.Away from performance, there’s an exhaustive catalog of studies illustrating the benefits of mindfulness, which covers almost everything you can think of, as Langer notes. Benefits include better emotional regulation and even better empathy. The other “big hitters,” those benefits that immediately show the life-enhancing benefits of mindfulness meditation practice, include: Stress reductionHigher brain functioningLower anxietyMore calm and inner stillnessClearer thinking, less distractionIncreased immune functioningDecreased heart rate and blood pressure.The difference between mindfulness and mindful meditationReturning to the earlier definition, mindfulness is to “be fully present, aware of where we are and what we’re doing, and not overly reactive or overwhelmed by what’s going on around us.” A mindful approach can be taken with almost any activity, for a closer connection to the present moment, and moving past the activity of the mind.There is a close link between mindfulness exercises and meditation, although they aren’t mutually exclusive. Mindfulness meditation, for example, is a practice of becoming fully present to all experiences, as they arise, during the meditation practice. You can think of this as a training ground to improve your concentration, before applying those skills to day-to-day experiences.The benefit of mindful meditation is that it provides an opportunity to practice the skill of remembering. That is, recognizing when you’ve become distracted, and returning to the present. Personally, I find the practice of meditation invaluable in developing increased mindfulness in daily life, although it's not essential.A basic example of mindfulness meditationKeep in mind, mindfulness originates in Buddhism, alongside meditation. The Buddha himself taught the importance of using meditation to cultivate mindfulness. With mindful meditation, you use an “anchor” of focus, usually the breath. You place your attention on this anchor, gently, and simply notice as and when you become distracted.When it comes to meditation as a training ground, Vipassana is the Everest of mindfulness. But fortunately, you can start small. Follow the steps below for a basic mindfulness meditation:Find a quiet spot, somewhere you feel comfortable and won’t be distractedSit on a meditation cushion or chair, with an alert but relaxed postureTake a few deep breaths, and close your eyesPay attention to the gentle rise and fall of your breathingNotice how your body feels. Feel the weight of the body against the floor, or the chairPlace your attention on the breath, without changing its natural rhythm.Each time you notice you’ve become distracted by a thought, feeling or sensation, return your attention to the breathDon’t be deceived by how easy this sounds. When starting meditation sessions, many people find it difficult to keep their attention for more than a few seconds! Don’t worry if this is the case. Concentration builds over time, so be patient, notice when you’re distracted, and slowly you’ll improve.How to add meditation to your daily routine(filmfoto/Getty)Starting a meditation routine will allow you to go deeper into your mindfulness practice, as the two complement each other perfectly. Then, you’ll be able to transfer the growing concentration and presence into the real world. Begin by looking at how to incorporate meditation into your routine, and before long you’ll be able to build a mindfulness-based stress reduction into your day to day life. Here are some tips on how mindfulness can help you.Find a regular time slotIt helps to have a set time each day, although you don’t have to be too rigid. Most people tend to meditate in the morning or in the evening. Find a time that works best for you, schedule it, and stick to it.Utilise “habit stacking”In Atomic Habits, James Clear talks about the power of habit stacking, that is, adding new habits on top of already established ones. So, for example, if you set aside time to meditate immediately after your morning shower, you’re more likely to establish it as a new habit.Be modest in the beginning Even if you’re setting aside five minutes, that’s a great start. Allow yourself to work up to longer and longer periods of sitting.Practice self-discipline Be wary of giving yourself too much leeway and instill some discipline. The benefits of meditation are wide reaching, but they’re difficult to quantify, especially in the early stages. This requires self-discipline in the beginning to stick with it before the benefits, and momentum, build.Explore your intrinsic motivation As an extension of above, remind yourself of all the reasons why you’d like to develop a meditation practice. Do you want to reduce stress? Be more present to your family and friends? Increase your self-awareness? Get better sleep? If you focus on this, mindfulness can help and the results will come over time.Don’t beat yourself up if you miss a sessionAlthough it helps to meditate daily, practice self-compassion and don’t be too hard on yourself if you skip a session. You’re just a fallible human being after all! Get back into the groove as quickly as you can, but allow your brain the space it needs to perform the meditation techniques and meditation practices you’ve set for yourself.Stay Focused Your meditation routine is the “focused” stage of your mindfulness practice. However, there’s no situation where mindfulness can’t be applied. It can be as simple as taking a moment to take a few deep breaths, and notice the weight or sensations in your body. Or it might include slowing down to carry out a task deliberately and consciously. How to practice mindfulness: mindfulness in the everyday(Westend61 / Getty)“Everybody says ‘be in the moment,’ and that’s nice, but that’s sort of an empty instruction — everyone believes they are in the present.” Ellen Langer explained to the Harvard Gazette. “Being in the present is a very easy thing that comes about by simply noticing new things. If you notice new things, you come to see you didn’t know the thing you thought you knew as well as you thought you knew it. That’s when your attention naturally goes to it.”I can vouch for the mistake of thinking you’re being present when you’re not fully engaged. Even thinking you’re present is a thought! But when simply noticing new things and paying extra attention, allowing for a sense of novelty, things change. “It doesn’t just bring about engagement, it is the essence of engagement. It’s literally and figuratively enlivening,” Langer adds.The practice of mindfulness involves bringing awareness to all sensations. For example, during your morning shower, you might usually find yourself caught up in thought, planning the day ahead, mentally rehearsing how things will unfold. Before you know it, you’ve shampooed your hair twice and become completely lost in thought.A mindful approach would be to take a few breaths. Pause. Notice the sound of the water. Feel the sensation of water on your body. Focus on the visual phenomena — how light reflects on the streams of water, the patterns soap forms as it drains away. And so on. Throughout, the mindful practice is to notice when you’ve become distracted. Unlike in meditation, the sensations, and the present moment, are the “anchor.”When I was getting started with my mindfulness and meditation practice, I’d also leave lots of prompts to serve as reminders. I’d have post-it notes on my desk at work, in the bathroom, in my bedroom. The message can be as simple as “pause, and focus on your breathing for 1 minute,” but it’s enough to reinforce the habit.Look for different cues throughout your day to prompt you into taking some mindful moments. For example, you might focus on your breath every hour, on the hour. Or you might tune into your body, and close your eyes briefly, when you refill your glass of water.Remember, there’s no exclusive magic formula to mindfulness. Any time you notice you’re distracted by your inner-world and return to the present moment with non-judgmental awareness, you’ve practiced mindfulness. It’s much, much harder than it sounds, however. Re-minding (get it?) yourself to be mindful is the real skill.The present moment: mindfulness exercisesBeing mindful 24/7 is highly unlikely for anyone other than Buddhist monks. We all slip up from time to time. Considering how difficult it can be to hold concentration even during meditation, it helps to have external “prompts” that re-mind you. Mindfulness and meditation exercises make things easier when you’re starting out. Below are 5 favorites I’ve used over the years:1. Pay attention to standing or sittingThis is one of the mindfulness exercises that is much, much harder than it sounds. The mindful exercise is to notice the transition stage, from standing to sitting, as frequently as you can. How often do you find yourself walking away from your desk, without consciously being aware of standing up? Try to notice each time you do. Pause your thoughts for a second, and tune into the body as you stand.You’ll be surprised how often you miss this transition, which in itself is an eye-opener. But when the habit develops, it’s a great practice for bringing yourself into the body, especially during a workday. Throw in a few stretches or deep breaths for added mindfulness.2. Brushing your teethPracticing mindfulness in any activity you do is possible. For example, when brushing your teeth, rather than rush through the process, notice how your body feels. Feel the texture and weight of the brush in your hand, and notice how your mouth feels as you brush — the tingle of the toothpaste, the frothy texture. Listen to the sound of brushing. It might be odd, but I find it quite relaxing!3. Walking through a doorIn spiritual traditions, thresholds hold special significance. In Christianity, monks practice what is known as statio, or “threshold moments.” Before entering a church or chapel, the monk takes a moment to pause, to let go of any agitations of distractions that may get in the way of their connection to God.You don’t have to be a monk to benefit, though. I find the practice of pausing before walking through a door a powerful mindful moment. Whether you’re visiting a friend or about to leave the house to start the day, this centering practice helps breathe more presence into transitions, to prepare for your thoughts and feelings without rushing into the next moment.4. Mindful walksThere are many benefits to mindful walking, especially when combined with nature, which in itself helps improve mood, reduce stress, and foster a sense of connection and belonging. A lot of people prefer walking meditations over sitting with their eyes closed, especially if the mind is extra busy when sitting still.Mindful walking is simply walking with an intention or goal in mind. The principles of mindfulness are included: paying close attention to your surroundings, noticing the way the body feels, being aware of your breathing, whilst tuning into sounds, smells, sights.Although doing this in nature is a profound exercise, I’ve also noticed the joy of mindful walking in busy cities, too. In Berlin, I occasionally walk as slow as I can just to pay extra attention to the feast for the senses, to take in the life and the diversity of people, places, and activities. Without paying attention, this becomes a sea of phenomena, I rush to my location, and miss out on the details.5. Mindful eatingLast but not least, the benefits of mindfulness are no more immediate than mindful eating. Food is one of life’s greatest pleasures, but how often do we rush through a meal? Or eat while immersed in social media on our phones? Mindful eating is the process of paying extra attention to every sensory experience when eating.A common practice is to use a single object, such as a raisin or an almond. But you can apply this to any meal. I always try to be as mindful as I can when eating my morning porridge. Many times, before I start I express gratitude. I focus on the visuals, the steam rising, the colorful mix of beige, bright blue, bright red, brown. Then, while eating, I focus fully on the sensations. I notice the texture of the food from the gloopiness of the oats and chia seeds to the crunchiness of walnuts and almonds. I pay attention to the various tastes, the sweetness of dates, the bitterness of raspberries (I use a lot of ingredients).I make sure to chew slowly and pause between each bite. It’s hard to describe how much joy this adds to food. Not only that, as if by magic, food tastes better when eaten in this way.Build the muscle of pausingIn the busyness of life, mindfulness is a powerful tonic, a way to slow down, connect deeper to each moment, connect deeper to ourselves. “Meditation builds the muscle of pausing,” Buddhist teacher Tara Brach explains. “Over and over, we get lost in doing, recognize it, relax, open and pause again... just arrive right here. And, along with formal meditation time on the cushion, we can practice informal pausing throughout the day.” Arrive, right here, right now. This is the aim of mindfulness. As this article has explained, most of us spend a large portion of our time lost in thought, on autopilot, moving through life without paying full attention to the journey. But it doesn’t have to be this way, and the journey to increased presence starts with simply noticing.Start small. Begin with a few minutes of meditation at a time, or prompts throughout your day. But know that, with consistent practice, mindfulness will make you more present. And just imagine: how would your life be if you were mindful, and conscious, most of the time? What would you notice? How would you be? How would your life change?But, before the journey fully gets underway — pause. And breathe.

How To Get Over A Breakup: 9 Practical Steps To Heal Your Heart
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How To Get Over A Breakup: 9 Practical Steps To Heal Your Heart

Generation after generation, along with thousands of voices in the world of poetry, music, films, and art, illustrate that heartbreak is never easy. Even if a relationship ends on the best of terms, saying goodbye to someone you love is one of life’s most challenging experiences. Naturally, people vary in their response to a breakup. You might be in such pain that even a trip to the grocery store is difficult. You might scour your ex's social media profile for new information on their personal life or spend countless hours on Netflix watching romantic comedies. You might even take to Google in search of a web site with the perfect breakup advice to use.If you’re looking for guidance on how to get over a breakup, it’s important to be straightforward from the outset — this article won’t offer quick fixes or false promises. But it will show you how the end of something offers an opportunity for growth and self-discovery.We’ll explore the way in which a breakup can lead to greater understanding, higher levels of self-awareness, better emotional regulation, and a clearer life direction. The tender ground of losing someone you love is ripe for learning. Here’s how to make the most of the opportunity.The Growth MindsetPhoto by Jill Wellington on PexelsBefore we fully dive in, a quick note on Carol Dweck’s Growth Mindset, which we’ve previously explored in detail. A growth mindset is an approach to life that looks to learn from all experiences. Although there is a lot of pain involved, and it’s possible things feel bleak for you right now, relationship experts know that the end is often the start of something new, and losing people can often provide an opportunity to learn more about yourself. So, with this in mind, the rest of this article will cover how to get over a bad breakup with the mindset of personal development front and center. That’s not to say we’ll overlook the emotional pain — quite the opposite. We’ll also explore how to work with painful emotions, such as regret, anxiety, depression, or longing, so that full healing takes place.How Long Does It Take To Get Over A Breakup?(Peopleimages / Getty)There is no definitive rule on how long it takes to find peace. Look online, and you’ll find more than a great breakup playlist or breakup quotes. Some folks champion the benefits of the “three-week rule” of no contact, and some suggest that it generally takes half the duration of the relationship to truly move on (e.g., two years to heal from a four-year relationship).So if you’re trying to learn how to get over a breakup fast, you may be approaching the issue from the wrong angle. As a general rule of thumb, the time you’ll likely begin feeling better about yourself is three months. Some studies suggest that the average amount of time, although divorces can take much longer to get over, at the 18-month mark. RELATED: 24 Breakup Quotes that Will Help you Heal Your Wounds FasterIn The Chimp Paradox, Professor Steve Peters recommends a period of three to six months to recover from what he calls an emotional injury:“Everyone is aware that following a physical injury, such as a broken bone, there is a period of rehabilitation where you gradually increase your muscles again and return to full functioning. Emotional injury is just the same. When you have experienced a traumatic event, such as a loss or breakup of a relationship, you need to have a period of emotional rehabilitation.” This rehabilitation period is the perfect time to be gentle and kind with yourself, by choosing self care type activities that ease the pain. This approach of tenderness can speed up the healing process, although the timing can’t be consciously controlled. “Accept that it takes time to get through emotional injury and don’t be harsh on yourself,” Peters adds, “return to normal functioning in your own time.”Sometimes the first step is to be around those you love, like parents or friends and family. Anyone going through a split knows it can be tough on your self esteem. So take the time you need.How Do I Stop Hurting After A Breakup?Photo by Andrew Neel on PexelsEven if you spend your waking hours tirelessly reading, learning or engaging in self care, it won’t necessarily speed up your personal healing journey. Heartbreak doesn’t have a timeline, and it’s not straightforward. I’ve gone through many breakups and faced all the conventional pains and longings. There’s the raw, on-the-verge-of-tears, hole-in-the-stomach feeling, which has to pass in order to return to some form of equilibrium. Then there’s the ruminations of what went wrong, the bargaining, the flashbacks, that can continue to surface even when the initial heartbreak has eased.RELATED: How to Let Go of Someone You Love – It’s Painful, But You Can Do ItThis all-consuming stage can feel unbearable, and patience and self-compassion are required. Pain is, on some level, unavoidable. Trying to erase grief, on an emotional, heart-based level, will only lead to suppression or other difficult feelings, such as anxiety, frustration, resentment, or anger. The best option is to feel those feelings. The practice of mindfulness works with accepting difficult emotions by being present to them, not resisting or indulging in them. A mindful approach of acceptance can help handle the big emotions as they come.I’d argue that there’s no such thing as fully getting over a breakup, at least when the relationship was meaningful. If you’ve got to know someone on a deep level, why would you want to “get over” them, or forget them? Isn’t the path of healing one where, eventually, you can look back with gratitude? Or see all the lessons learned?RELATED: Here’s How to Survive a Holiday Breakup– and Thrive InsteadJust as it makes sense to let go of any idea of a timeline, the whole process can be helped by exploring your expectations of “getting over” someone. Maybe you’ll miss your ex for a long time, and that’s okay. Maybe love will remain, whether it makes sense or not.Most important is working through a genuine recovery process where you can start to feel like yourself again, and more than that, to recover a strengthened sense of self worth. Where the pain isn’t raw and all-encompassing, and the future looks bright. For that, let’s look at the 5 stages of a breakup.What Are The 5 Stages Of A Breakup?Photo by Masha Raymers on PexelsElizabeth Kubler-Ross, M.D., first introduced the stages of grief in her book, On Death and Dying (1969). These have since become a popular framework to provide understanding into the grief process. Although we typically associate grief with the death of a loved one, grief is, at its most basic level, the feeling of loss.Handling this grief, then, is your challenge. Not only for what has been lost in terms of your ex — the routines and rituals you shared, the in-jokes, the closeness, the challenges faced and overcome — but also the loss of visions for the future, or plans you may have made.Grief, then, is very real, and a breakup feels like a type of death. Accordingly, Kubler-Ross’ model can be applied to the 5 stages of a breakup. They are:Denial: This is the stage of false hope, and an unwillingness to fully accept the relationship has ended. You might begin to fantasize about the ways you and your partner will get back together.Anger: When the dawning of the end begins, anger can surface. You might feel angry towards your ex, or life in general for being unjust or unfair. You might also experience anger towards yourself — how could you put yourself in this position, making yourself so vulnerable?Bargaining: The sidekick to denial, bargaining is the stage where you begin to look for ways to get back what you lost. Maybe I can change, maybe the reasons this ended wasn’t such a big deal! This stage is one to be wary of as it can make you act outside of what is genuinely right, possibly at the expense of your needs.Depression: a difficult stage to deal with, this manifests as a lack of hope, a lack of energy, or a sadness that doesn’t seem to shift. The grief of the end of the relationship starts to crystalize, along with possible feelings of loneliness.Acceptance: finally, the elusive stage where peace is found! This isn’t an overnight process but slowly builds over time. Acceptance, though, is the beginning of the next chapter, and an indication the healing process is reaching its end.RELATED: 6 Ways to Rise in Love After a BreakupIt’s important to note these stages don’t operate as a clear framework or checklist. When I’ve gone through breakups in the past, I’ve used these stages as a tool for self-awareness. It can be reassuring to get an indication of where you’re at, along with a sense of the shared humanity of your situation. For me, it helped me feel less alone.Note that this isn’t a clean, step-by-step process. You might oscillate between different stages. You might feel depressed, then go back to anger. You might experience denial shortly before acceptance. You might find acceptance, only to be triggered by something, and go back to the anger stage.Be present with all that is, and brace for chaos and calm. The stages of a breakup are messy, raw, and often unpredictable.How Do You Get Over A Person You Still Love?(PonyWang/Getty)It’s worthwhile noting that, sometimes, a relationship ends even when two people are still in love. Despite all the stories we’re told, sometimes, love alone isn’t enough. Perhaps circumstances have got in the way, and the relationship won’t work despite those powerful, underlying feelings.When this is the case, the pain and the healing will feel similar to what has been mentioned above. However, the biggest challenge is acceptance. It’s easy to protest in such situations and to feel a sense of injustice. Why can’t it just work out? But sometimes, life doesn’t go as planned, and you never know what opportunities lie around the corner.Acceptance involves letting go of any bargaining or a desire for things to be different. Acceptance also means accepting that you love this person, and that, even if you aren’t together, that love remains and it’s still true and it’s still beautiful. So hold onto it, nurture is preciousness, and trust your path will lead you to futures that are rewarding. One day, you’ll see why this particular relationship, with this particular person, didn’t work out. In that way, you can find a way to begin letting go of someone you love.9 Steps To Healing After HeartbreakPhoto by Puwadon Sang-Ngern on PexelsNow that we’ve explored some of the fallacies of breakup timeliness and expectations around healing, let’s look at the actionable steps to getting over a breakup. Below are 9 steps to begin your healing process. Like the stages of grief, they may be more relevant at different times, but will give you tools to make the healing process easier.1. Let go of the timelineTo reiterate a point made previously, the first step to get over a breakup is letting go of any mental timeline you might have. Although guidance can give a general outline of how long it might take, catch yourself whenever you fall into the trap of thinking “I’ll be okay by then,” or, on the opposite, “I won’t be okay by then.” Work on the process itself, take each day as it comes, and let the heart work at its own pace, each beat at a time.2. Feel your feelingsIt’s surprising just how easily the mind can invalidate how you feel. A lot of mental activity can spring from a wounded heart. This is a clever mechanism to avoid how you’re actually feeling about your ex. Rather than lean into the pain, to allow it to be fully expressed, all sorts of storylines form — “I shouldn’t feel this way,” “I should be over it by now,” “I wish I would move on quicker.”RELATED: I Lost My Identity in My Relationship — Then I Found Myself in the BreakupWhenever you notice these narratives, take a pause, focus on the breath, and instead connect to the underlying feeling. Emotions are mostly irrational and logical, so don’t try to judge them or rationalize them. For example, you might be more heartbroken than expected following a brief fling. Or, you might not feel as bad as you thought you would.All feelings are welcome and right. So take time to feel into them. How do you experience them in the body? How can you honor them? Can you put aside time to connect to them, either through journaling or meditation?3. Let go of blameWhether two people drift apart or a relationship ends abruptly, it’s natural to look for blame. What caused the end? Is this the right decision? What could either of us have done differently, so that we’d stay together? Blame is tricky because it masquerades as something skillful, but ultimately, it keeps you stuck.Blame manifests in numerous ways. If you’ve experienced a betrayal by your ex, for example, it’s easy to blame them and hold onto resentment. There are subtle forms of blame, too. You might fall into a trap of self-blame, looking at little moments where you could have acted differently. Or you may find fault with your partner — if only they listened more, we’d be together.RELATED: The 3 Best Ways to Get Over A Breakup, According To ScienceBlame is often a blanket for denial or anger. Explore the underlying emotion, and write down all the blame mechanisms you experience, as objectively as you can. Were these really the only reasons for the breakup? Or were there larger issues that weren’t being addressed?4. Practice self-compassionAll the messiness that follows a breakup makes self-compassion one of the best ways to get over a breakup in a healthy way. Taking the example of blame above, self-compassion is the ability to meet yourself, kindly, and to accept the choices you’ve made.Learn to talk to yourself as you would a friend. How would a best friend respond to the storylines your mind creates? Maybe there were mistakes, but you didn’t do them willingly, or you tried your best with the tools you had at the time. Equally, self-compassion creates space for non-judgment, allowing the ups and downs of heartbreak to run their natural course.5. Let go of the fantasy“The hardest part of getting over an ex is often not the loss of the actual person, but the loss of the fantasy of what you thought could happen,” Dr. Juliana Morris, marriage and relationship therapist, told Oprah. This is painfully true to my experience. Whether due to cultural conditioning, codependency, or a natural tendency to include your partner in your life, projecting a future is almost inevitable.The challenge is how you manage this vision of the future. Remember, it’s a mental construct, a mirage made in the imagination. Do you mourn for images of the happily ever after? Or experiences you’d discussed sharing together? Or even future visions of how difficult it’d be without that person in your life?RELATED: 4 Reasons Why Not Winning The Break-Up Can Be Good for YouWhenever I’ve gone through breakups and started being pulled into imaginary futures, I’ve tried to distill what the vision can tell me. Take, for example, a vision of traveling with your partner. At the core of this vision might be a craving for adventure. Can you find a desire to transform this vision into one of traveling alone, or looking for other ways to explore your adventurous side?Sometimes future visions have to be seen for what they are, and let go. The best way to do this is to return to the present, and understand these fantasies are distracting you from where life is lived. Eventually, they lose their hold. And, in integrating this lesson, in future relationships, the role of future-planning will change — there’s nothing wrong with it, but becoming overly attached to specific outcomes can lead to disappointment or heartbreak.6. Practice forgivenessAll breakups require forgiveness — towards your ex and yourself — to varying degrees. It’s a quirk of the mind that, following the end, you’re presented with memories of the relationship. Closely linked to self-blame, forgiveness is a way of accepting that things happened, but that you deserve to move on.The way you didn’t show up as much as you’d like? The way your partner refused to acknowledge your needs? In all breakups, there will be plenty of material that can be held onto, creating a feeling of resentment or frustration that lives on with you. Ultimately, though, you can’t truly move past your ex until these moments have been forgiven.Crucially, forgiveness is one of the practices that allow the heart to begin to heal, including...7. Practice gratitudeHow challenging extending gratitude is may vary depending on how the relationship ended. However, as a practice, gratitude is a powerful way to get over a breakup. It opens the heart, finds reasons to be grateful, and views the relationship through the lens of something gained, not something lost, even if what has been gained is the knowledge to set boundaries in future relationships.This practice also helps to release any energetic blockages linked to the relationship, along with forgiveness. Even if it feels slightly forced, see if you can find reasons to be grateful — write a list, and come up with five experiences or things you’ve learned that you wouldn’t have without this person in your life.RELATED: Friendship Goals: Kaley Cuoco and Johnny Galecki Bonded After Their BreakupOf course, if the relationship ends on good terms, this whole practice becomes much easier. I find gratitude as a powerful tonic for moments of heartbreak as if the gratitude itself nurtures and reassures sadness, making it much more bearable, much lighter.8. Don’t mute loveIt’s tempting to mute love when going through a breakup. By this, I mean suppressing feelings of love you have towards your ex, as if those feelings are no longer welcome now the relationship is over. But here’s the thing — the love you feel, and felt, any time during the relationship, came from you.It’s easy to hand our power over to relationships, to look at them for happiness or fulfillment. But it’s also an illusion that the love you feel is exclusive to that person. I’ve noticed in breakups in the past, I’ve shut down those positive, heart-warming feelings, because there was a tenderness and a pain attached to them.But what if you could hold onto that love? What if this relationship was a lesson in loving, and that all that person has done is give you a reason, and an excuse, to extend and radiate a part of you that is always within, relationship or no relationship? How then would your life change?9. Focus on you: start the rebuildAs all the above steps are carried out, as and when appropriate, so the rebuild begins. The end of a relationship is a big, big change in life circumstances. It could mean moving out, changing where you live, finding a new circle of friends, or even moving to a new location.The rebuild, those next steps required to start the next chapter, can never begin too early. Word of caution: that doesn’t mean rushing into quick decisions. Allow the initial heartbreak to settle so you can make choices with a clear head. But, allow yourself to imagine, to plan, to look for gems in the muddiness of loss, to begin exploring...What Comes Next?(aldomurillo/Getty)The period following a breakup, although incredibly difficult, also offers a window of opportunity. When floored and heartbroken, our minds naturally drift towards the existential questions of life, or at least we begin to question what’s most meaningful to us. In this state of surrender or receptivity, following the acceptance of a breakup, there is a chance to begin to work on a future of your choosing.It’s easy to become lost in a relationship, and to neglect other areas of life. There can be a tendency, when feeling lonely, to immediately look for someone new.But what would happen if you started to deepen your self-understanding? What would happen if you used this opportunity to nourish the relationship with yourself? What if, despite all the pain, the tears, the regret, the anxiety, this was a springboard to becoming a fuller, richer, happier version of yourself?Finding meaning in the depths of heartbreak is an act of courage. Grief has to be felt. Healing has to take place. But never forget, the things that leave our lives offer space for something new, and there’s an abundance of unknown people, places, experiences, and insights ahead of you, waiting to be discovered.KEEP READING:How to Tell if It’s Too Soon to Move on From Your Breakup

Woman Survives Psychological Abuse And Proves You Can Find Healthy Love Again
Goalcast Originals

Woman Survives Psychological Abuse And Proves You Can Find Healthy Love Again

Daring to love after trauma is an act of bravery.The question of how to open your heart again after you have been hurt in unthinkable ways, is a question that weighs heavily on people’s minds all across the world. Healing is a personal journey that takes place on our own specific time frames, but fate also has a way of intervening. Until then, until we meet the right person though, sometimes you just have got to say, “move from my aura fam.”Jungle Flower, who coined the phrase “move from my aura fam,” survived a psychologically abusive relationship and turned her trauma into communal healing and beauty. Jungle Flower is a warrior poet, motivational speaker, photographer, interviewer, humanitarian, and founder of Reclaim Your Voice. Created in 2012, Reclaim Your Voice is a grassroots organization that provides safe spaces for people to share stories of abuse and sexual violence.Jungle Flower found her calling. Her dedicated healing nature has helped countless individuals with their own healing processes.Jungle Flower tells Goalcast of her healing work, “I enjoy my other endeavors, but nothing fulfils me like this. I feel like I’m on path when I do this work. I feel like it’s my highest self doing this work. So, I decided that part of the reason why I went out there to tell my story was because I wanted to step into my calling as a voice for healing.”If you check out Jungle Flower’s Instagram, it will become clear fairly quickly why the work she does is so fulfilling. Since returning from her 9-month trip to Asia in 2019 writing her memoirs of experiencing and healing from abuse, Jungle Flower has resumed her volunteer work at RYV and hosts free workshops and events in the community. She also makes a living off of speaking to schools and organizations about her story and facilitates workshops as well.She survived psychological abuseAbuse comes in many forms. Psychological abuse, however, is notoriously difficult for many to identify. Jungle Flower explains, “psychological abuse is a form of abuse that is actually very very often downplayed because it usually doesn’t leave any physical wounds.”She states the reality that, “whereas, because psychological abuse doesn’t involve that physical damage, it is so often overlooked or minimized. But it is also, for people who are familiar with abuse and are familiar with this kind of work, they consider it one of the most dangerous forms of abuse because it is so difficult to detect and because of the lasting psychological wounds that it leaves.”Reflecting on that time, Jungle Flower says:So for me, in my experience what psychological abuse looked like was, being screamed at, and therefore starting to avoid doing certain things to avoid being screamed at.The healer describes the abuse saying, “and so essentially one of the tactics of psychological abuse is to control one’s victim through fear. And so that’s what the perpetrator was able to do in my situation, controlling me through fear. Through the screams, through threatening me, through getting me to out of fear, to cut all of the men out of my life, which meant cutting out support and cutting out protection.”Jungle Flower says of her perpetrator, “he would humiliate me in public, he would scream at me in public…” When no one would intervene, Jungle Flower recalls at that point, feeling “helplessness,” “trapped,” “like no one cared,” and like there was no way to get help. She continues saying, “He would compare me to other women, and he would just do things like that to help break my sense of self-worth which would work to make me feel like I deserved the treatment that he was giving me.”Leaving him was no easy taskOn attempting to leave him, Jungle Flower says, “He was trying to go from living the street life to being legitimate and in that transition, he was claiming it was very stressful, and how could I just leave him when he was just trying to better his life? So, I felt guilt around that.”When things got really bad, Jungle Flower would try to leave, but he would make doing so very difficult. He would take something essential of hers, such as a laptop, house keys, or cell phone. He was cunning, taking an item she had to return for, and whenever she returned, he would convince her to stay.Jungle Flower says it worked because he was manipulative and operated without a conscience. She chillingly says, “so things that maybe you and I would never do to people, he would easily do to people. But, because my own mindset is that I wouldn’t do certain things, I didn’t think that he also was capable of doing certain things. And, he definitely used that to his advantage.”The RYV founder also recalls that her perpetrator would stalk her by relentlessly calling, texting, and emailing her to the point where she felt “that there was no way out” and that her only way “to have a chance of moving forward was to go through him.”It's hard for others to understandMany people ask the infamous and almost equally offensive question of ‘why did she stay?’ Jungle Flower addresses that FAQ when she states that, “when he would fight for me and really want me to come back, I would be like ‘oh he really does love me, he does care’ and that actually was what I was looking for always and so that is what would always convince me to stay. Essentially, it was thinking that he cared about me.”Over time, Jungle Flower has amassed a rolodex of knowledge when it comes to trauma and healing. One such concept that she discusses is trauma bonding. According to Jungle Flower: Basically, all situations can bond us to people, all experiences we go through together. Going through extreme or difficult situations tends to bond people in a particular way.She continues, “And, even though we bond under unhealthy, or toxic, or dangerous situations, it can create a very very strong bond and that’s what can make it so difficult for people to leave someone who is not being kind to them, that is using them, that is torturing them even, it’s because of that trauma bond.”Jungle Flower explains that even though we know that they are hurting us, being apart from them is also painful. However, she says “that painfulness of separation, that will go away in time.”She proved love after abuse is possibleIf you’ve followed Jungle Flower’s journey, you’d know that there’s someone she has graciously shared with her following, Redwood. Redwood and Jungle Flower’s relationship began when an intuitive person she knew thought the now couple should meet.Jungle Flower says of their first meeting, “It was really interesting. So, I met him, I did have a list, and I do have high standards and I just was amazed that off the bat, how many of the things on my list he was hitting. And one of the things was that I wanted to meet my future partner through someone I knew and trusted.” She wanted “to date somebody who someone could vouch for” and that’s exactly what she did.On a girls’ night, Jungle Flower’s intuitive friend said that she kept on thinking to invite her brother-in-law to meet her. When Jungle Flower wasn’t sure, her friend insisted that she look at his Instagram.As soon as I saw his face, it impacted me. I keep saying, it’s like a negative way to say it, but it feels like I was hit by a truck. I was impacted so hard, and as a photographer, I’ve been around a lot of good-looking men, it takes a lot to phase me, but something about him, just got to me.Redwood knew that he wanted to pursue Jungle Flower and he went for it.“He knew he wanted to do it, he wanted to go for it, he wanted to get to know me, he wanted to connect with me, he shot his shot, he asked me out, and after we spent our first date together, he asked me out again, and I love that. I’m such a quality time person.”Communication is central to their relationshipWhen Jungle Flower speaks of Redwood it is clear that there is love, respect and open communication in place in the foundation of their dynamic. Jungle Flower says, “He’s communicative, he tells me…I don’t ask, he volunteers so much information. How he spends his day, how he spends his time, who he’s with… I notice the people he has around him, his chosen friends, he’s around really good people.”“He encouraged me,” Jungle Flower says of Redwood when it came to opening up about her experiences. “I told him, I was very honest about what I experienced, because I’m not ashamed of what I experienced. So, my triggers, I would tell him, what it is that I was dealing with and what it was that I was healing from.”Jungle Flower reveals:So, one of the things was betrayal trauma and learning to trust after being cheated on so much by the person who abused me, that left me with serious trust issues.She recounts an example that illustrates her and Redwood’s compatibility and his understanding. The warrior poet says, “And so, you know, he was like, ‘you can come to me with any concerns, any questions, I have nothing to hide’ and he told me that so many times, and he showed and proved.” Jungle Flower says that it still took around 6 months for her triggers to subside, to calm down, and for her to feel safe. She attributes the progress to Redwood’s patience.The right person will push you to growJungle Flower waited for a man with Redwood’s qualities for 6 years. She says, “I longed for this, for this type of intimacy, for this type of good partner, and now that I have it, I’m so willing to do the work to maintain the relationship, to grow the relationship, to work through my own trauma and triggers.”On what she would say to those who are looking to love again after trauma, “I want people to know that they’re going to have to, one, be willing to do the work, because it will likely bring up some things. It will likely trigger you and show you where you still need to heal. To take their time, and again to try not to rush into things out of loneliness…”Jungle Flower recommends, “also getting to know the person as a friend.” She believes that it is friendship that is essential for a strong foundation. Communication is key in Jungle Flower’s eyes as well. She says of her and Redwood, “him and I are both equally willing to work on ourselves and to communicate.”The healer also recommends therapy, saying not to make “your partner your therapist,” even if they are one by occupation. She believes outside support can help you navigate the ups and downs of a relationship when you love again after a painful past.Setting boundaries is not easy, but always worth itWhen you have had someone cross your boundaries so severely in the past, often you can develop issues setting boundaries in the present as a consequence of the perpetrator’s violating behaviors. One day during stream of consciousness writing, the boundary setting words “move from my aura fam” came to Jungle Flower. Now the slogan is worn by her followers on t-shirts, long sleeves and hoodies from her Pride of The Ancestors shop online.Jungle Flower explains the phrase, saying, “Move from my aura fam is just a way to kind of support people learning to set and enforce boundaries. Some people who wear the shirt have already mastered the skill (laughs), but for those who still have challenges in doing so, it allows them to, you know, kind of take a step in that direction with a bit of humor and also while remaining in their element as a spiritual being.”Everyone has a past, and we choose to put that past in its rightful place when we are ready to show up and do the work. Jungle Flower did the self-work (actively and literally), she knew what she wanted in a partner, so that when he showed up, she was ready to make the commitment to enter a new relationship. Equally as important, Redwood was ready to do the work as well.With the past behind her, and what’s to come looking as bright as ever, be on the lookout for a meditation album and a poetry album from Jungle Flower in the future. Remember to always strive for what you want in life and know your worth. And, when a situation is not in line with your dreams and how you know you deserve to be treated, then sometimes you just have set some boundaries and say, “move from my aura fam.”

The Growth Mindset: 10 Steps To Move Past Limitations And Fulfill Your Potential
Emotional Health

The Growth Mindset: 10 Steps To Move Past Limitations And Fulfill Your Potential

A growth mindset is an approach to life and learning that sets the groundwork to reach your full potential. From Buddhist wisdom to cutting-edge neuroscience, research and wisdom show nothing about the human experience is fixed. That includes your personality, your intelligence, and the way you respond to situations.Much of the research into the growth mindset is related to formal education. But its application is wide-reaching, tapping into the very heart of the university of life, the day-to-day opportunities for learning and growth that are ever-present for those with the willingness and the courage to see.This article will teach you how to develop the foundation, nourish the soil, and plant the seeds to set you in the direction to grow into your full potential. Whether you’re looking to become more self-aware, boost your productivity, catalyze your success, love more, expand your business, or develop your skills, a growth mindset is essential.Carol Dweck: the growth mindset guruIt’s impossible to discuss the growth mindset without introducing Stanford psychologist Carol Dweck. Her pioneering book, Mindset: The New Psychology of Success, presented a profound understanding of it, pieced together by a huge body of scientific research and insights from two decades of work.Carol Dweck’s research is simple and profound: mindset alone dictates a huge part of success. Regardless of talent or skill, the way you view your capability has a huge impact on results. Believe you’re unintelligent and useless, and you’re more likely to struggle. But start believing in your potential and capability, and the results follow.Dweck’s research reveals that your fundamental approach to life can be changed. Because mindset is integral to so many aspects of the way you relate to the world, this has a profound ripple effect in all areas of life. The good news is, it’s possible to develop a growth mindset, with a little effort, and the desire to change.What is a growth mindset?A mindset is a basic attitude or philosophy of life. It’s a collection of thoughts and beliefs about who you are, what you’re capable of, and the world you live in. You can think of your mindset as the nucleus that beliefs and thoughts gravitate toward. For example, if you think you’re incapable of change, you’re likely to have thoughts such as “I can’t do this” or “I’ll never become the person I’d like to be.”The growth mindset isn’t about one-off actions or quick fixes. It underpins every choice and every decision, including your whole approach to life. What’s most inspiring is the realization that your mindset can change. By changing your mindset, you fundamentally change who you are. In Dweck’s own words:“When people...change to a growth mindset, they change from a judge-and-be-judged framework to a learn-and-help-learn framework. Their commitment is to growth, and growth takes plenty of time, effort, and mutual support.”Growth mindset vs. fixed mindsetTo better understand the growth mindset, let’s explore Dweck’s distinction and the contrast between its alternative: the fixed mindset. In her book, Dweck presents the main components of the two mindsets.The fixed mindset views intelligence as static and leads to an attempt to look smart. Dweck discovered that this outlook views imperfections as “shameful,” and students who identify as talented often lie to cover up perceived shortcomings. This leads to behaviors such as:Avoiding challenges.Giving up easily.Seeing effort as fruitless.Ignoring useful negative feedback.Feeling threatened by others' success.The growth mindset, on the other hand, views intelligence as malleable. This promotes a desire to learn, encouraging behaviors such as:Embracing challenges.Persisting in the face of setbacks.Seeing effort as the path to mastery.Learning from criticism.Finding lessons and inspiration in the success of others.The results of these two mindsets differ greatly. Those with a fixed mindset are less likely to achieve their full potential, whilst the growth mindset leads to increasing levels of achievement, and a sense of free will — one of the biggest motivators to continue to take action. I’d encourage you to take a moment to reflect on where you see yourself. Do you lean more towards a fixed mindset? Or do you embrace the growth mindset?Neuroplasticity: the neuroscience of the growth mindset(Yuichiro Chino / Getty)The concept of a growth mindset is mirrored in the physical structure of the brain. Years ago, it was believed that the brain was fixed. However, this view was transformed thanks to the emergence of neuroscience. Neuroplasticity, a term first used in 1948, explains how the brain constantly grows, changes, and adapts, based on new learning.You may have heard of the phrase: “neurons that fire together, wire together.” Neurons communicate with electrochemical signals, through structures known as synapses. These neural “pathways” are stimulated during learning or the repetition of a task. Over time, these pathways strengthen in the brain, altering its structure.The brain is ever-evolving and changing, from the moment you’re born to the moment you die. This acts as a powerful metaphor for the concept of growth — nothing about you is fixed. For example, experience-dependent neuroplasticity explains the brain's capacity to “change in response to experience, repeated stimuli, environmental cues, and learning.”Interestingly, one study discovered a neuroscientific interplay between the regions of the brain involved in growth mindset and intrinsic motivation behaviors. “Growth mindset relates to brain processes, and brain processes relate to motivated behaviors,” author Betsy Ng writes. “With the inculcation of growth mindset, individuals will perceive the intrinsic value of a given task and self-regulate their behaviors to perform the task.”Be the person you want to be: the importance of a growth mindsetYour personality isn't permanent. The most successful people in the world base their identity and internal narrative on their future, not their past.Benjamin HardyCarol Dweck argues that a growth mindset “can determine whether you become the person you want to be and whether you accomplish the things you value.” That’s a pretty big deal, backed up by a wealth of research. I personally find it to be an important foundation of all types of self-development.Although Dweck’s work explores growth mindsets through the lens of success, she’s careful to point out that by approaching life as an opportunity to learn, there is no such thing as failure. This kind of mindset views all experiences as opportunities to learn. This is one of the most empowering attitudes to life.A word of caution: growth mindsets doesn’t mean overnight transformation. Look for gradual improvement over time, and be kind to yourself throughout the process. The nature of human growth is very much cyclical, so don’t be downhearted by the times where it feels things aren't going your way.There is a paradox of growth, in that, to maximize your potential, you have to accept where you’re at, right now, and build from there. Trying to run away from who you are, or aiming to develop in order to become more worthy of lovable, actually restricts growth. Developing the right mindset reduces perfectionism, it doesn’t enhance it.The growth mindset and relationships(Adam Hester / Getty)Beyond the realm of personal development, the growth mindset has a significant effect on relationships. I’ve covered a lot of topics around healthy relating, and on some level, the growth mindset is at the core of them. “Just as there are no great achievements without setbacks, there are no great relationships without conflicts and problems along the way,” Dweck notes.A fixed mindset causes people to look for “instant, perfect, and perpetual compatibility.” When effort is viewed as fruitless, the belief is that relationships don’t take work. The avoidance of challenges and giving up easily means people are less likely to work through these conflicts to develop a deeper, lasting love. Not to mention the ability to receive negative feedback from a partner is crucial to cultivating greater intimacy.A growth mindset doesn’t blame or seek perfection. At the core is the belief that both partners can grow and change. With a willingness for two people to learn about each other and build greater trust, a conscious relationship is able to flourish. It becomes a partnership of maximized potential, two people independently growing, supporting each other, and facing challenges as they arise.Be vigilant of the false growth mindsetHumans are skilled at self-deception. The ego conjures all types of stories and excuses that limit your growth. What happens when the concept of the growth mindset is intellectually understood, but not embodied or practiced? Or when the addiction to constant growth becomes a hindrance? Such is its prevalence, Dweck released an updated version of her book to address the false growth mindset.When developing a mindset focused on growth, the false growth mindset is something to remain vigilant of. “False growth mindset is saying you have a growth mindset when you don't really have it or you don’t really understand [what it is],” Dweck told the Atlantic. “It’s also false in the sense that nobody has a growth mindset in everything all the time.”Remember how everything is always evolving, changing, and nothing is fixed? Well, that applies to the growth mindset itself. Different situations can cause us to stagnate, or “trigger” a fixed mindset. That’s why a genuine growth mindset is one of always being honest, always assessing and evaluating, and making adjustments when necessary.How to develop it: 10 Actionable steps to thriveSo, now that you know all about the concept, the next step is to take this knowledge and turn it into something tangible and practical. Below are 10 actionable steps to kick-start your exploration.1. Accept yourself as you areCarl Rogers, a pioneer of positive psychology, wrote: “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.” With all the discussion of growth and potential, there’s a risk of falling into a trap of self-rejection. Embracing the paradox of acceptance leads to self-development that is fuelled by inspiration, not by the desire to move away from who you are.Shortcomings or unhelpful tendencies or coping mechanisms have to be seen and accepted before they change. For example, if you wish to become a more loving partner, you have to be transparent with what’s holding you back — perhaps you’re troubled by jealousy, or resentment, or insecurity in the face of your partner’s success.Part of the journey, then, is knowing yourself. In truly knowing yourself, you accept yourself as you are. Then, once you’ve seen the areas you’d like to improve, you can start moving towards who you’d like to become, rather than reinforce unhelpful behaviors. But it always begins with accepting yourself as you are.2. Focus on the lifelong dedication to learningA growth mindset is realistic. This isn’t positive thinking or quick fixes. It’s a solid, scientifically proven, psychological method. There aren’t false promises that anyone can become a genius or as productive as Elon Musk. But the right mindset comes with the understanding that the human potential is unknowable, and, as Dweck says, “it’s impossible to foresee what can be accomplished with years of passion, toil, and training.”Part of this approach is to focus on the process, not the outcome. While visioning your future self is a step on this list, it’s not something to become fixated on or blinded by. Use it as an incentive. As the Yiddish proverb states: “Man plans, God laughs.” Ultimately, with infinite potentials and life’s mysterious nature, the specifics are unknowable. But focus on the learning, and you’ll find yourself in places you’d never imagined, becoming a person you never thought you’d be, whilst enjoying every step of the way.3. Let go of perfectionismPerfectionism is not the same thing as striving to be our best. Perfectionism is not about healthy achievement and growth; it's a shield.Brene BrownPerfectionism is the glue keeping a fixed mindset in place. While it may appear to be self-serving, as Brene Brown notes, it is a barrier to growth. To develop a growth mindset means embracing imperfection and flaws, assessing areas that need work, not from a place of judgment, but from a place of equanimity.Letting go of perfectionism isn’t easy, especially if it’s a lifelong habit. I’ve personally had to do a lot of work around perfectionism. Accepting you’re not perfect, and that there are always things to learn, things to change, areas to improve, is incredibly relieving. How would you feel if you could fully accept your imperfections, whilst knowing it's within your power to change?4. Practice radical self-honestyUnderstanding that self-deceit keeps a fixed mindset in place means that it’s crucial to practice radical self-honesty. In what areas are you not facing up to truths? Where are you lying to yourself or finding excuses for all the reasons you can’t? This is closely linked to perfectionism, as typically, holding onto the facade of perfection leads to inauthenticity.Is someone who views themselves as naturally gifted and intelligent, looking to prove this to the world, likely to ask for help? Or admit to mistakes? To make the most of the paradox of growth you have to self-assess from a place of honesty.A lot of people with high intelligence develop the belief they don’t have to put in so much effort. I had this attitude all through high school and university. I was “lucky” in that I didn’t have to try to get good grades. Eventually, I realized this was an excuse I told myself to make me feel better about not trying. I had developed a sense of entitlement.Only through self-honesty could I accept that this was holding me back in life. Then I was able to begin to explore what genuinely interested me. I didn’t have anything to prove but started to look at the ways of maximizing the intelligence I had.5. Be aware of the end of history illusionStudents of a mindset focused on growth know the importance of believing in your own capability. That means believing in an image of yourself that is beyond where you’re currently at, or what level your talents are. A helpful hint in this direction is the psychological concept of the end of history illusion. This is a fallacy related to growth: most people can acknowledge how much they’ve grown when looking into the past, yet drastically underestimate their potential for future growth.Why is this important? Being aware of this fallacy allows you to overcome it when visioning your future self. Think of the “you” as a child, and then from five years ago — what beliefs and strategies you pursued, your attitude, your skills and abilities. When looking at your future self, be bold in the amount of growth and change you desire. It’s likely your initial approach will underestimate what’s possible.6. Picture your future selfKeeping the end of history illusion in mind, one way to instill a growth mindset is to know what you’re growing towards. The smallest plant finds the will to reach through the soil, to move towards the sun, to find its nourishment. What will you move towards? What vision inspires you?Use the power of your imagination to build the image of your future self. Create the narrative. What feels exciting? What feels inspiring? What steps do you have to take to move towards this version of you in six months’ time, a year, five years, 10 years, or more?7. Focus on development, not approvalResearchers like Dweck make a distinction between the need for praise or validation, and the desire to constantly develop. When seeking validation for how intelligent or gifted or capable you are, the likelihood of perfectionism and stress increases. Instead, no matter what you’re starting point is (you might struggle as a student or have natural talents in some areas), let go of the need for approval.Instead, utilize the skills and capabilities you have, No one on this planet is beyond development. A great demonstration of this is elite performers who put in more effort than their counterparts — think of athletes such as Michael Jordan and Cristiano Ronaldo. Not only are they gifted, they also put in extra work. 8. Transform your approach to failure and rejectionAs mentioned, one of the benefits of developing a growth mindset is transforming your approach to failure. With a growth mindset, there’s no such thing. But this is an attitude that might require cultivation, especially if you’re a high-achiever, or used to viewing the world in terms of success and failure.A common misbelief with this step is that people feel it might lead to embracing failure, and therefore reduce motivation. This isn’t the case; failure or rejection is ultimately outside of personal control. You might write the best manuscript the world has ever seen, yet have it rejected by publisher after publisher.By focusing on process over outcome, you’re more likely to be even more productive, and paradoxically, more successful! This is because your actions are inspired by the desire to grow and learn, not the results. A growth mindset focuses vigorously on what you can improve or control, whilst allowing the rest to fall into place.9. Push yourself outside of your comfort zoneTo grow and reach your potential, it’s crucial to take on challenges that push you outside of your comfort zone. A comfort zone feels safe, but moving outside of your comfort zone builds momentum, expands what you feel capable of, and reinforces your ability to grow. Over time, you feel confident in taking on even bigger challenges.To quote Brene Brown again, “you can choose courage or you can choose comfort. You cannot have both.” Stepping outside of your comfort zone, into what is referred to as the “growth zone,” isn’t comfortable! But humans aren’t wired for comfort. A healthy level of stress is required to grow. This doesn’t mean diving in the deep end or over-exerting yourself, but instead, finds a healthy balance of strategies. What areas of life are you staying in your comfort zone? Where could you push yourself more?10. Develop the attitude of “not yet”(Marco Bottigelli / Getty)In her TED talk, Dweck describes “two ways to think about a problem that’s slightly too hard for you to solve.” Although her approach leans towards the way students are educated in schools by their teachers, encouraging kids to view intelligence and problem-solving as a work in progress (not a failure) applies to all challenges that naturally arise on the journey of self-development.Anytime you find setbacks or feel you’re not where you’d like to be, or if your self-critic begins to weave narratives around capability, take a moment to pause, reframe, and add “not yet” at the end of the sentence. Remind yourself nothing is fixed, take each step at a time, and keep growing.In conclusion: a glossary of growthIn the self-development world, it sometimes feels like unless you’re constantly improving and growing, you’re somehow not enough. Dweck’s growth mindset offers a framework that sets the foundation of growth without falling into the trap of perfectionism or comparison — or the “false growth mindset.”Having a vision of who you’d like to become doesn’t mean rejecting who you are, right now, in this very moment. Remember, who you are is a product of a past vision. So make sure you maintain self-compassion and self-acceptance as you continue to grow towards the sun of your potential.As Stephen Covey says, “Be patient with yourself. Self-growth is tender; it’s holy ground. There’s no greater investment.” View the growth mindset as a long-term investment, not a short-term fix. Begin applying the steps outlined above, and over time, the results will begin to show.

11-Year-Old Receives 'Fat Letter' From School Officials - Mom Has The Best Response
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11-Year-Old Receives 'Fat Letter' From School Officials - Mom Has The Best Response

Florida residents Kristen and Michael Grasso got the surprise of a lifetime through the mail one day when their county's health department warned them their athletic daughter was at risk of becoming obese. Branding young kids obese A letter from Collier County Health Department in Naples warned that their 11-year-old daughter Lily was at risk of becoming obese due to having a body mass index (BMI) of 22.Grasso told WBBH that she couldn't believe her eyes. She said that, if anything, her 5-foot-5, 124-pound daughter is athletic and active. "Lily is athletic, tall, plays volleyball six days a week for two different teams. She's not overweight," she said per Newsmax. "My first call was to my mother to say, 'Am I crazy, or is this wrong?'"- Kristen Grasso That doesn't seem to matter much in Florida, one of 21 states requiring students to get health screenings in light of the nation’s obesity epidemic.Beyond the issue with her daughter, Grasso says that her bigger concern is the potential psychological harm of branding young kids obese.“To give a kid a letter telling them the rest of their life they may be overweight or be obese because of a measurement you took one day, it's just not fair,” she said.Taking a standAs the story of Lily's "fat letter" gained national attention, Grasso has been happy to champion the cause. "So many people don't say anything because who wants to be the family with a 'fat' kid. Well we are ready to stand up and say it is not right," she told the Centinel.Her efforts have raised serious questions about the program. Lynn Grefe, president and CEO of the National Eating Disorders Association, said "I would like to see BMI testing in schools banned. For those who are already insecure about their weight, these tests can...potentially trigger an eating disorder."However, Deb Milsap, with the county’s health department, stands behind the testing and reinforces that it’s an imperfect test and does not claim to be a substitute for medical advice."We always want parents to realize that [...] it's only a screening tool," Millsap said. "Every parent, (even) if a child's screening is normal, receives a letter so no child is singled out."Children are worth their weight in gold For her part, Lily isn't about to be discouraged. "[I'm] confident in everything that I do, and never give up," she said. Her mom agrees wholeheartedly."Like Lily said, this letter did not hurt her, don't let anyone define who you are! Be active, be healthy and if you are concerned with your health talk to your parents."- Kristen GrassoAs children go through life, there will be plenty of teachers and tests claiming to know who they are and what they'll become. However, just like Kristen Grasso, we need to remind children that they are the authors of their own futures. More uplifting stories:Fierce Mom Tackles Man Peeping Into 15-Year-Old’s Daughter’s Bedroom11-Year-Old Genius Passes Up Higher Learning And It’s A Lesson For All ParentsMom Tells Son Not To Share With Other Kids And She Makes A Powerful PointWoman Finds Missing Child Using Tik Tok Hack All Parents Need To Know