How to Build Strong Foundations in Order to Attract Friends of Value
Friends of value are not easy to come by. In order to have them in your life you need to value your own life.Nowadays, since I live my life by constantly reflecting on my actions in order to improve, my first reaction is to always turn inward to see the part I played in unfortunate outcomes.After becoming seriously ill, I decided my only path to true healing and recovery was to face hard truths about my life. If I wanted to develop lasting friendships on the new path I was blazing, I had to look at why certain patterns kept reoccurring.The most valuable gift you can receive is an honest friend.- Stephen RichardsHere are a few priceless lessons I learned about self-acceptance and creating friends of value:Be your own best friend firstWhen I was younger, my mother often said that, in order to make friends, I must be my own friend first. Over time, I came to understand you cannot create valuable friendships with others if you are not willing to be your own best friend. Valuable and lasting friendships only appear in life when old, internalized issues of self-love and self-acceptance are confronted.We cannot expect from others what we are not willing to accept (or expect) from ourselves since it is only by facing our vulnerabilities that we become stronger. Whenever a person you thought was your friend disappears without a word, look within first. The only person you have control over is you, take the time to delve deeper; to seek the answers and follow your truth wherever it takes you.Trust your instincts, know the signsAfter friendships disappeared, I frequently obsessed over the reasons why. How could I let it happen again? Why did I let it get so far? Why did I ignore the signs? Nowadays, this pattern is changing. Bit by bit, I am beginning to reclaim my power by realizing I am enough. And by doing so, I am finally trusting my intuition and nipping troublesome friendship issues in the bud.On the other hand, whenever I skedaddled from a friendship without notice, I constantly felt a heavy burden. Yet I remained unavailable, never sharing my frustration. Looking back, I realize my behavior was unacceptable because, no matter the situation, a person you once called ‘friend’ deserves better treatment than a disappearing act. Today, finding myself in a better place, I am more capable of bringing closure to uncomfortable situations. If the situation has not escalated beyond repair, it is better to spend time thinking about better, and healthier ways to solve problems that arise with friends. However, if the relationship has grown to be too toxic, it is important to acknowledge that and to take the conscious decision to walk away. If this is the option you must choose, don’t beat yourself up--be gentle with yourself--everyone will go through it at one point in life.Be authentic and claim your dramaIn daily life, I am a highly functioning individual, therefore my internal angst goes unnoticed by the casual observer. However, my life has never been free of drama; drama is drawn to me like lint to a sweater. A product of my environment, I was born into and raised under domestic violence. As a result, my life was shattered from the start. Consequently, I careened through life broken--feeling ashamed and anxious about everything. Nevertheless, the swirl of drama is easily detectable by those who come closer and has cost me dearly. One long-gone acquaintance said her husband wondered why my life was so drama-prone. It was sentiments like this, often more unspoken than spoken, which caused me to run - to hide in shame and panic. I felt embarrassed by the constant flow of ‘heavy’, which always streamed from my life. Many times, I walked away from friendships because I felt my life carried too much weight. It is only now, after much self-analysis, that I have claimed my drama-filled life. By doing so, at the age of 54, I am beginning to live a more peaceful and authentic life.Growth requires that we are honest with ourselves. It is best to be genuine, brutally honest with yourself and unashamed about your drama. Claim it. Own it. Appreciate the valuable lessons and opportunities it offers on your journey to wholeness while working to annihilate it at the root. Many of us remain in negative, holding patterns because we are too afraid to claim our dysfunctions or to see their value as we evolve into whole, balanced beings. When we shy away from the parts of us that are not shiny and bright we do ourselves a disservice. Progress to good, emotional health stymies if we do not shake out the annoying little dust balls hidden deep in our lives. Take time to get to know youThese priceless takeaways are helping me slowly move forward on the path to inner healing and wholeness. Each one of them was difficult to share, but in order to move forward I have to remove the mask. Taking the time to know who I truly am is unearthing new discoveries and I am learning new and interesting things about myself. The past couple of years have enlightened me. I have learned to practice vigilance and discernment as I keep baby-stepping my way to whole inner health and balance. Since drama is still a huge part of my life I tend to be more cautious about letting people in. Choosing to face my drama-truth does not make it suddenly disappear; however, like a daily, targeted exercise routine, it is strengthening my core. Of course, I know those who remain in my life are often overwhelmed by the amount of incomings I repeatedly face, but I assume if they are still here, they must sincerely care. Most importantly, I am better at stepping back and taking time out instead of choosing to walk away in shame or anxiety. By understanding myself better I am becoming my own best friend. Finally, I am creating the required, inner foundation necessary for attracting friends of value.
Each Moment Is Precious, So Face the World as the Fabulous You
How often have we stopped ourselves from going after our dreams; from releasing our inherent fabulousness? Many of us are slaves to days of the yesteryears, holding on to long lists of what-I-did-back-in-the-days. When life becomes too challenging or overly complex, we simply switch the screens of our lives to fall back to familiar ways of being. Believe me -- I am often sitting in the front seat of that bullet train. That's why I find it so easy to relate to these familiar feelings in others. However, in this new iteration of my life, where I have decided to live authentically and to be fabulous while doing it, my question is: why? Why should we put aside our most ardent dreams and goals to settle for lesser than we are? Each Moment Is Precious, So Face the World as the Fabulous You When a new day begins, dare to smile gratefully. When there is darkness, dare to be the first to shine a light. When there is injustice, dare to be the first to condemn it. When something seems difficult, dare to do it anyway. -- Steve Maraboli At 32, I was accepted into Mount Holyoke College’s Frances Perkins Program. It is a program for women whose educations were interrupted when they were younger. The program, whose students range from the mid-twenties up, is named after Frances Perkins, the first female US Secretary of Labor. It was a major accomplishment, since I dropped out of school at age 15. Back then, I often heard women in the program saying they felt like imposters. After years of putting higher education on the back burner, the journey was a long and circuitous one. Yet, there we were, intermingling with spritely, effervescent young women who recently graduated from high school. READ: You've Got It: It's Authenticity, and It's Your Superpower The feeling of 'imposter' for some didn't wear off even as graduation neared, but bit by bit we learned to trust the moment, and believe our new reality: that we had truly made it. Years after graduating at 36, I came to understand the importance of authentically facing the world; to appreciate how fabulous and brave we all were to go after our dreams. Two years ago, I learned of the potential for a rare cancer to develop in my body. The past years have tested me tremendously. During those early, overwhelming days I consciously made a decision to live my life in the most authentic and fabulous way I could. This decision began a journey that is still unfolding today. Here are a few things I do daily to tap into my most authentic and fabulous self. Value each breath Everything begins with a breath. If you are ever in an overwhelming situation that seems to be going on forever, simply remember to breathe. Once you focus on your breathing you will find ways to manage all incomings from a place of calm and centeredness. Learn to value each breath you take because life is precious. READ: How to Calm the Chaos of Everyday Life With Mindfulness Meditation When I learned this rare health condition could potentially unravel my life at any given moment, I panicked. After the first panic attack, I literally taught myself how to breathe again. The negative news about my condition seemed to get worse each day. Every time I learned of a new blood test or saw a skyrocketing blood pressure reading, the panic set in. In order to steady myself, I went inward, taking deep, slow and long breaths until I stabilized. In learning to breathe, I began to gain a sense of control from my core. As time crawled by, things calmed and I steadied my life. Let life flow, and give thanks for each new day We never know what life will give us from moment to moment. Therefore, it is best to relax and just let life flow. Suffering, just like happiness and joy, is part of the weave of life. One can easily tire if life is lived engaging in every battle or settling every score. Nowadays, I find it best to just live; to ground myself in the present while surging forward. In this way I wake up brand new every day. READ: Surrender: Let Go and Allow the Flow First thing every morning, I give thanks: facing the new day renewed and ready for all ups and downs. Before I learned of this health issue, my days rolled from one to the other without delineation. To be exact, I barreled through each day not caring about day, time or place. However, on the day I learned about my health condition all momentum stopped. The moment was a clarifying one, because my senses came alive again even as the room froze before my eyes. It was a day that remains in sharp focus today. Since then I appreciate every day and all that comes with it. Accept change One of the most difficult aspects of life is accepting change. In youth we are often carefree and reckless, not appreciating or understanding the importance of life. As we age and the effect of gravity takes its toll, we are forced to confront many realities: our aging parents, grandparents passing away, and sometimes the loss of dear friends. READ: Gain the Strength to Accept the Things You Cannot Change When I was a teenager, one of my close friends died from a brain tumor. It was the first time I encountered death and fear in such a personal way. I saw her youthful beauty disappear right before my eyes -- one moment she was there, and then she was gone. When I visited her in the hospital my presence barely registered. I asked lots of questions, wondering whether she could still feel or hear or see. I felt helpless and lost. Over time, I locked her memory away and kept moving. As the years melded I paid little attention to my own health, feeling untouchable and invincible because of my youth. Today, in my mid-fifties, I am wiser and more appreciative of all life has to offer. Take it from someone who has been there and back, life is too short and unpredictable to waste. In the middle of the mess, just do your best and keep plowing onward. Dare to be bold and fearless -- and as the years unfold, dare to be the authentic and fabulous you that you are.
Let Your Dreams Propel You Through Valleys and Over Mountains
Each one of us has a light within that radiantly burns; it never goes out. Life's challenges and inconsistencies may weigh you down, but let your dreams catapult you beyond all mental, physical, and psychological limitations -- be merciless in your pursuit of self-actualization. Use untapped potential within to fire up your internal engines; shift all gears to go, blast through all impediments. Ignore the negative environmental noise, which threatens to consume. Focus. Determine to turn all obstacles into rafts and propel yourself across life's turbulent waters. Never stop. Never give in. Never give up. Let Your Dreams Propel You Through Valleys and Over Mountains Believe you can and you're halfway there. - Theodore Roosevelt Aspire Push forth with your dreams and goals no matter the setbacks. Be grateful to those who stick with you no matter what. Always find the time to say thank you to those who helped. Send them positive vibes even if they are no longer in your life. Aspire to do better at every juncture of your journey. As a young black girl growing up in my Caribbean island home, I longed to cross the waters surrounding jagged, limestone shores. There were hardly any signs telling me I could rise above the struggle and violence of a broken home. Nevertheless, I dreamed to one day do better; I dreamed to one day go further -- I dreamed to soar. When I mentioned my dreams to those around me, many smiled dismissive smiles. However, my mom encouraged and believed in me from her own broken place. She often said, "If anyone can do it, you can!" When inherited brokenness cost me friendships, jobs, lovers and my education, she encouraged me to keep going. She believed my dreams would take me through valleys and over mountains. Turn your wounds into wisdom. - Oprah Winfrey (more quotes) Visualize Never lose sight of your goals and aspirations. There will be days when obstacles rise up, but have no fear -- obstacles are an important part of the process. They help you to grow, so embrace them when they appear. To me, obstacles are the universe's way of saying you are on the right track. Visualize how you want your end goal to look like as you keep surging forward. Over the years, I figuratively crossed numerous faraway mountains and traversed countless overgrown valleys. Every step has been painstakingly minuscule, but I persisted. Over and over I shared my dream to be a published writer and artist to all who would listen. An immigrant and high school dropout with no inheritance as a buffer, I carved doors with my worn-out hands; I walked unpaved roads with my bare feet. Along the way, my determination created opportunities to meet kind-hearted people who saw my passion and helped propel me forward, eventually leading me to Mount Holyoke as a Francis Perkins Scholar. Yes, I made many mistakes in my youth, most self-inflicted -- we sometimes do in our pursuit of betterment. However, when lessons needed learning, I evolved and kept moving at the same time. There is no education like adversity. - Benjamin Disraeli Accept Cultivate acceptance early. There are some situations and people you have to accept because there are no other options. Instead of fighting to hold on to the things you cannot change, accept, let go and keep flowing. As time shuttled by I embraced humility -- I accepted those unfixable situations; I let go of unsupportive family; I gave up shallow friendships. In time, I realized, in order to give myself to others, I first had to heal my internal wounds. By accepting and taking responsibility for my shortcomings, doors opened that were previously closed. When the death of a close family member forced me to face life's unknowns and uncertainties, my faith was strengthened; when personal illness threatened my mortality, my faith was deepened. I have travelled far and wide in search of my truth -- not knowing, until now, that it was always here. Finally, my dreams brought me back home to the place where I started. Today, even in the midst of an ongoing struggle, calm and peace still pervades no matter the crisis of the day. I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination. - Jimmy Dean Rise above Know that all situations in your life have one thing in common: you. Take responsibility and keep making room for positive growth. Although I had dreams that took me through difficult and dangerous mountains and valleys, I had the power and determination within me to keep going. This process is still ongoing today and will continue until I leave this earth. I am constantly reconfiguring and adjusting my dreams, even though, at the core, the goal is the same. Nowadays, flexibility is my best friend, and I am persistent in finding ways to adapt to whatever comes my way. I found that incorporating daily self-reflection is essential to keeping my dreams alive and to manifesting my goals. Another lesson learned was the importance of embracing constructive criticism and not taking everything personally. In order to keep rising up, you must be mature enough to cast off internal slights and resentments, which tend to hold you back. As time passes by, I continue to see the correlations between my inner and outer world. It is fascinating to see the connections; to finally understand that I am in control of my reality. Start by doing what's necessary; then do what's possible; and suddenly you are doing the impossible. - Francis of Assisi Hold fast to your dreams In the end, the path of the pebble you threw, in the pond of your life, will ripple far and wide. Since yours is the hand that tossed it, all actions caused by that ripple will accrue to you. Do what’s necessary to uncover your truth and discover your path, but know all roads lead back to you. No matter your circumstance or situation, let your dreams take you through valleys and across mountains, but know the grass is always greener where you stand.
To the Misunderstood: Look Within, and Face Your Truth with Optimism
Have you ever felt misunderstood? So much so that you feel people in your life avoid you like a contagious virus? Been there, noticed that. So if you are in this discombobulating predicament, how do you solve it? Do you blame every single one of those people, attributing their obvious aversion to you to their own shortcomings? Do you blast them with vicious slurs in order to feel better? If you have taken the above track, how is it working for you? Did your piss-rant affect positive change or are things still status quo? The best way to figure out why you feel left out and taken wrongly is to look within, and to face your truth with optimism. To the Misunderstood: Look Within, and Face Your Truth with Optimism Listen to your own voice, your own soul. Too many people listen to the noise of the world, instead of themselves. - Leon Brown Eyes to the sky in crisis Over the past few years, a serious health diagnosis allowed me the opportunity for intense self-reflection. When I first learned about the condition, I seriously lost it. At first I cycled through the stages of grief, fluctuating amongst shock and denial, pain and guilt, anger and bargaining, depression, reflection, loneliness, acceptance, and eventually hope. I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become. - Carl Jung However, as time passed I regrouped and found some stability mostly remaining in acceptance and hope. Determinedly, I decided to face all aspects of my personality full on, no matter how difficult. One of the most important decisions I made was to seek my truth. However, as time went by and I told my truth, those I thought were friends drifted away until I stood alone. The silence was deafening. In this deep, unending quietness, I faced myself, and came to terms with the true me. Over time, I learned that standing alone was not a bad thing. Release all resentments In order to rejuvenate my life, I needed to first cleanse and clear all illusions and delusions: I needed to love myself first. Louise Hay's book, You Can Heal Your Life, helped guide me in my first steps. In the book, she talks about cancer-causing negative emotions like resentments, and gave positive affirmations to help you heal. I did not follow her guidance to the letter, but felt the truth of her words. Always one to assert my creativity and independence, I decided to forge my own path based on her ideas. I wrote all of my resentments out on a piece of paper and symbolically burned them over my kitchen sink. As the rancid smoke and blackened paper disintegrated before my eyes, I made an oath to release them forever. I washed the remnants down the kitchen sink, cleared the room with sage and meditated to ask for clarity and peace. A calm mind brings inner strength and self-confidence, so that's very important for good health. - Dalai Lama (more quotes) Two years have passed since that moment, and I have come full circle in my healing and recovery. Burning and releasing my resentments was the best decision I ever made. Find the courage to heal If you are holding on to anger, grudges, jealousy, hate, or animosity, set them free. The longer you use these dark emotions as an anchor the further you drift from your light within; the longer you cling to these lower life conditions the closer you come to ill health. We are the constellation of all activity in our lives good and bad. Life is too short to spend time wedded to energy-sapping endeavors. Casting blame on others will not bring the resolutions you seek. If you see negative patterns constantly repeating themselves in your life, look in the mirror. Find the courage to reflect and connect the dots. Your environment is always a reflection of your truth. Recharge and go forth Your visions will become clear only when you can look into your own heart. Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes. - Carl Jung Today, my status quo is harmony and peace. In finding the courage to face the reality of my truth with optimism, I recharged my life. You can do the same. We all have it within us to heal ourselves if we find the courage to seek it from within. Nowadays, I no longer worry about feeling misunderstood; I no longer worry about my solitude; I no longer blame others for my shortcomings. Face your truth with optimism and set yourself free. The process to recharge your life will be long and arduous; it will take time and patience, but every up and down will eventually bring reward. Here are a few tips to help face your truth: Clear the inner negative chatter: Learn to decipher the voice of truth within. Respond to negative thoughts with positive and affirming ones. Make room for solitude by finding time each day to go inward: When you first open your eyes is a good time to give thanks and to seal in the positive energy for the day. It prepares you for any ups and downs. Read and watch uplifting and informative articles, books and videos: Once you make the decision to live in truth, supportive materials will appear to help guide you. Stay honest: The only way to face your truth is by staying honest with yourself. Lying to yourself is self-defeating. Surround yourself with positive and supportive people: If you are serious about facing your truth you will no longer tolerate energy vampires. People who absorb your energy will disappear. Those who are uplifting and supportive will stay.