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  • Ricky Derisz

    Author exploring the soul of self-development, the mystery of existence, and the heartful path to maximising the human potential. Get your free copy of my book, Mindsets for Mindfulness, for practical guidance to overcome the ego on the journey of growth. More at MindThatEgo.com and on YouTube.
Anxious Attachment Style: How to Heal Insecurities For Greater Emotional Intimacy
Emotional Health

Anxious Attachment Style: How to Heal Insecurities For Greater Emotional Intimacy

Love isn’t easy, despite cultural messages about meeting “the one” and living happily ever after. It takes work, not only in communication and mutual understanding but to confront your deepest wounds. The more you open yourself to vulnerability and intimacy, the more you will face the anxieties and fears that have accumulated over the years. The more you become attached, the more courage you’ll need.RELATED: Avoidant Attachment Style: How to Identify and Overcome A Fear of IntimacyThe mechanism of love, and how it resurfaces old wounds, is best captured by John Bowlby’s attachment theory, which was introduced in the 1950s, but has now become widely recognized. Bowlby theorized that our early interpersonal relationship with our caregivers, the attachments made as an infant where we relied on others to keep us alive, ends up shaping our adult relationships.Within attachment theory, there are four main styles: anxious attachment, avoidant attachment, fearful avoidant, and secure attachment. This article will zoom in on anxious attachment, which, as the name implies, is identified by significant amounts of anxiety when forming relationships. With 20 percent of the population thought to have an anxious attachment style, there’s a chance this relates to you.What Is Anxious Attachment?The terms given to each attachment style give some indication of what they describe. People with secure styles typically develop healthy relationships. People with an avoidant attachment style often create emotional distance through fear of being rejected or not having their needs met. This isn’t always clear with the avoidant attachment style, however, and these people tend to appear aloof or unaffected.People with anxious attachment are afraid of losing the love they have, or fear their love won’t be reciprocated. That can manifest as clinginess or neediness — they hold onto the person they love (think of the image of a child hugging a parent’s leg as they go to leave the house). Bowlby noted a distinction with the anxious attachment style; anxiety in these people often manifests as anger or jealousy. In A Secure Base, he writes:“We take it for granted that, when a relationship to a special loved person is endangered, we are not only anxious but are usually angry as well. As responses to the risk of loss, anxiety and anger go hand in hand. It is not for nothing that they have the same etymological root.”John BowlbyThese aren’t hard and fast rules. Some people oscillate between different manifestations or insecurities, depending on the relationship, and the situation. However, similar to personality types, these describe a person’s tendencies based on early childhood experiences. In this sense, Bowlby offered a different approach to child development in contrast to Sigmund Freud.What Triggers Anxious Attachment?The biggest identifiable cause of anxious attachment is inconsistency in a caregiver. The unpredictability creates uncertainty in the child, not knowing whether their needs will be met, or neglected. This contrasts with the avoidant attachment style, where rather than inconsistency, their needs were infrequently met, leading to a sense of learned helplessness and hyper-independence.RELATED: How Can You Apply Erik Erikson’s Stages of Development?Other causes of anxious attachment include an anxious parent, which makes sense, as behaviors are passed on and internalized by the child, through an inherited worldview or perspective. Equally, parents who look to their children to fulfill their own personal needs can create an anxious attachment. In these situations, parents are placing their needs ahead of the child's, often unconsciously. Various behaviors point to anxious attachment in children. The most obvious is distress when separated from parents, discomfort being looked after by strangers, aggression, and not easily soothing after being upset. Being able to spot this early can support the child's development, not allowing these tendencies to take a strong hold into adult life.How Anxious Attachment Affects Adult RelationshipsPeople with anxious attachment had to be alert as children to when their needs would be met. As a result, they can grow up to be hyper-vigilant of cues that their needs won’t be met in adult life. The increased sensitivity causes overreactivity to signs of rejection or abandonment, along with paranoia about people’s intentions. If a parent placing their needs above the child has a big influence, these children may grow up to become people pleasers, prioritizing other people’s needs ahead of their own.RELATED: Friends and Benefits: Everything You Need to Know About Platonic LovePeople with an anxious attachment style tend to have low self-esteem, whilst pedestalling others. This imbalance creates a sense of inferiority, often the anxious person places self-worth outside of themselves, seeking validation from others, mirroring early childhood experiences. In contrast, some attachment styles come with a low opinion of others, which contributes to a sense of avoidance.To move this from the theoretical to the practical, people that have anxious attachment will struggle to balance their needs with their partners. If you align with this style, you may feel afraid of losing your partner, feel highly attuned to their needs, but also sensitive to rejection. If things go wrong, you’ll like to personalize them and see them as a personal failing, even if the conflict or fallout is normal or something both people are responsible for.How to Heal an Anxious Attachment StyleIf you’re committed to personal growth and overcoming limitations, then identifying your attachment style is a huge catalyst for healing. Remember, it’s not a life sentence, but a way to detect conditioning, and heal effectively. It’s also an opportunity for self-compassion; Bowlby’s model shows how many of our adult tendencies were developed at a time of innocence and vulnerability.The good news is that attachment styles can be overcome and transformed into secure attachments. There’s no on-and-off switch, though, it’s a long process that will take patience, courage, and resilience. With that in mind, below are some steps to start the healing process, separated into personal and relational work.1. Confront Your WoundsOne of the tenets of growth is summarized by Carl Rogers, a pioneer of humanistic psychology: “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.” You have to be willing to accept your wounds and limitations before they can heal. To use a metaphor, have you ever injured yourself, but only noticed the pain when you looked at the wound? Your awareness didn’t cause the damage, it brought an end to ignorance.In the same way, becoming aware of patterns and defense mechanisms is a way to change, but it will hurt in the short run. This has to be done with as much self-compassion as possible, not judgment or shame, although if those emotions surface, they are welcome. The aim is to get a clear picture of where you’re at, and then get to work. At this stage, the support of a therapist would be beneficial, but if that’s not possible, do your best to rely on your social network.2. Practice Emotional RegulationAttachment styles, imprinted in childhood, influence your present to the extent to which you respond to those wounds. Many trauma-informed experts note how, in moments where you become triggered, old patterns of behavior come online. In those moments, your emotional life acts at the level of the inner child, frozen at the time of its original source of pain. In the words of Gabor Maté:“What we want and demand from the world needs to conform to our present needs, not to unconscious, unsatisfied needs from childhood. If distinctions between past and present blur, we will perceive loss or the threat of loss where none exists; and the awareness of those genuine needs that do require satisfaction, rather than their repression for the sake of gaining the acceptance or approval of others.”Gabor MatéEmotional regulation requires the awareness to spot those attachment triggers, to soothe them, confront them, and accept them, without operating at their demand. That means developing the skill to be with strong emotions such as jealousy, anger, and sadness, and allowing them to move through. In addition, you’ll be able to experience them whilst retaining emotional closeness to your partner.3. Get Clear On Your NeedsThe blur of past and present is something that has to be overcome in order to get a clear idea of what your adult needs are. When operating from attachment wounds, people tend to fall back on old mechanisms. The avoidant will withdraw completely, the anxious will become hyper-vigilant and fearful. Whilst there’s always room for insecurity — it’s part of being vulnerable — a more mature medium has to be found.To counter excessive neediness, as an anxiously attached person, it pays to look for ways to cultivate more emotional independence. Where can you meet your own needs? In addition, once you identify reasonable needs, you have to be able to communicate them with your partner.When it comes to communication, there’s a balance between communicating the ideal and communicating the process. By this, I mean that you may need a meta-level of communication to acknowledge, “hey, I’m working on some attachment wounds at the moment, and I need support as I grow and evolve,” rather than communicating from the place you would like to be at.4. Shift Your Relationship From Fear to GrowthThis step naturally requires the willingness and cooperation of a partner. Much of the work can be done alone, as you work on identifying wounds and emotional regulation. But the raw, messy work is done in the moment when faced with interpersonal conflict, unmet needs, or the challenge of communicating when feeling upset or triggered. This naturally calls for a different dynamic in your relationship, from fear to growth.In this sense, fear is an indicator of what opportunities there are to learn and grow — together. By starting an open and honest dialogue, your healing journey can become part of a co-adventure with your partner. Ideally, your partner will be doing their inner work, too, and the two of you will strive to communicate through any difficulties that arise.Forgetting the myth of easy, when you see a relationship as an opportunity to grow beyond the limitations of old patterns, it will paradoxically bring you closer together. To be able to boldly say, “I am afraid of losing you,” whilst choosing not to spiral or project your anger or insecurities on your partner, is all part of a trust-building exercise. The more you face your fear, and come through the other side, the more you will develop the self-esteem to know you can navigate the highs and lows of love, without losing yourself along the way.KEEP READING How Your Attachment Style Affects Your Relationship

4 Signs You've Found a Kindred Spirit, Not a Soulmate
Relationships

4 Signs You've Found a Kindred Spirit, Not a Soulmate

Spirituality is sometimes referred to as the dimension “beyond” language. Any words used to attempt to describe or explain it will always be poor translations because spirituality is undefinable. Language is a way we view and make sense of the world; we categorize, label, identify, and communicate with words. Words, and language, are no replacement for the direct experience of reality. And yet, there is an infinite amount of information on spirituality.RELATED: The Psychology and Spirituality Causes Of An Identity CrisisWhen it comes to non-ordinary dimensions and spiritual experiences, many people have attempted to apply language to create structure or understanding. Words like soulmates, awareness, oneness, twin flames, and past life, are attempts at describing something. They point to something mysterious, but won’t ever fully capture it.When it comes to defining relationships, what’s most important is your primary experience. What your intuition and instinct tell you. Here, we’ll explore the definition of the kindred spirit, and how it differentiates from other types of relationships. As you read, trust your gut. Words can take you so far, the rest is how you relate what's described to your reality.What Is a Kindred Spirit?According to Cambridge Dictionary a kindred spirit is “a person who has the same opinions, feelings, and interests as you.” Its origin is unclear, but the structure of the word makes sense — kin means family. So it’s a safe bet to assume the word originated to describe a family not connected by blood but connected in spirit. Whether this was an attempt to literally attempt to define spiritual connections or a phrase used as more of a metaphor, is unclear.Typically, a kindred spirit is someone you have some type of instant connection with, and life will usually have a way of introducing you in the context of your similarities and shared quirks. Upon mapping this spiritual terrain, some people have categorized kindred spirits in contrast to other types of fated connections, including soulmates and twin flames.Kindred Spirits, Soulmates, and Twin FlamesKeeping the use of language in mind, all of these definitions aren’t clear facts, but interpretations. To their credit, these definitions have lasted the test of time, as enough people have found them relatable to their experience. As we go through the different definitions, consider how this relates to relationships you’ve experienced. You’ll likely get an intuitive sense of what these labels are pointing to.Unlike kindred spirits, whose relationships are usually friction-free and based in similarities, soulmates are relationships that are centered around spiritual growth. They are typically karmic relationships that are “designed” to teach. Their dynamics are usually catalytic, and although some soulmate connections can be fairly conflict free, many will have moments of conflict.RELATED: How To Apply The Seven Spiritual Laws of SuccessThe metaphysical idea behind this is that the soul, before incarnating, makes certain karmic agreements in terms of what lessons must be learned throughout an individual lifetime. This worldview incorporates the spiritual dimension as an invisible guiding force that allows for these opportunities to arise. A person can have many soulmates (sometimes called a soul tribe), and they can come in the form of many dynamics, including family, friends, colleagues, or mentors.Twin flames are soulmates on steroids. Each person has only one twin flame, said to be one soul separated into two. Also with deep karmic lessons to process and heal, many soulmates' relationships are high intensity, with a level of illumination that means it’s not easy to escape limitations or unhealed wounds in the presence of their other half. Words of warning, though, that sometimes twin flame relationships can be confused for trauma bonds.The Role Kindred Spirits PlaySo what’s the purpose of a kindred spirit? Bring to mind a relationship you feel could meet this definition. What does it mean to you? What does it offer? Kindred spirits are opportunities for connection. It’s easier to form a relationship with someone you hit it off with immediately. It gives you a whole host of topics to discuss, or hobbies to enjoy together. That can lead to trust being built over a short period of time. But another element of kindred spirits is often overlooked.Because kindred spirits are like-minded, these dynamics are opportunities to develop deeper levels of self-compassion and self-acceptance. Why? It’s often much easier to see the finer qualities in other people and fail to see them in ourselves. We might feel unlovable or different from others, with a subtle but limiting sense of separation. Meet someone who has the same interests, and in seeing them for who they are, you end up seeing yourself.That person and the mutual deep understanding of the relationship can give you permission to be more authentically you. They can empower you to move deeper into the things that give you a sense of inspiration and excitement, which comes with its own sense of adventure and aliveness. It can offer an outlet where you can share openly and freely, without risk of judgment. All of which is a huge boost to self-esteem. Signs You’ve Found Your Kindred SpiritBy now, you’ll likely have a clear idea of what these types of relationships are, and what they have to offer. Still unsure about whether you’ve found your kindred spirit connection? Below are the common signs that will give you a good indication.1. The Instant Connection Is Like A SmileWhat do I mean, the connection is like a smile? With a kindred spirit, the connection has a quality of playfulness and lightness to it. In Buddhism, there’s a practice known as the inner smile. It involves visualizing a smile in your heart as you go about the world, in order to cultivate compassion and kindness. The instant connection with a kindred spirit feels similar. You may be compelled to literally smile as you suddenly realize: this is my type of person.In contrast, while a soulmate meeting can be light, it covers a whole host of contexts, some of them more emotionally challenging; hence the warning of trauma bonding. 2. You Meet In Circumstances That Quickly Show Your SimilaritiesThere’s no slow burn with kindred spirits. No gradual reveal. It’s apparent, often immediately, that there is a shared connection, and life has its way of showing you this. For example, it could be that you’re in a situation where you feel slightly left out, or disconnected. Maybe you feel anxious in a new social situation, or you’re at a workshop and struggling with one of the exercises. Then along comes someone who, at a glance, understands what you’re going through, because they are too.Again, to contrast this, because soulmates are karmically intertwined, it’s common to initially feel repelled or triggered by their appearance. Usually, this is because what their energy, behavior, or viewpoint is showing you is a part of yourself you’ve rejected or denied, that has to be re-integrated through the soulmate relationship.3. Harmony Will Depend on Self-Awareness and Self-AcceptanceTo a much lesser extent than twin flames, kindred spirits are still intertwined with the spiritual dimension, which in its essence is designed for individual flourishing and growth. That does mean that it will require an element of self-awareness and self-acceptance in order to find harmony, even if the relationship is lighthearted. This is hidden in the concept of two people being too similar.Because kindred spirits are very similar, if they represent certain traits that “clash” with your own, it’ll cause a lack of harmony. For example, if you can both be stubborn, there’s a chance that stubbornness, at some point, will create a barrier to the relationship flourishing. If you both use humor to lighten moments, even when inappropriate, you may experience your kindred spirit making a joke when you don’t feel like it. See the pattern?When exploring what behaviors you like or dislike with your kindred spirit, you’ll reveal what qualities you wish to cultivate or avoid within yourself. Keep in mind, no person is perfect, and no relationship is free from the usual challenges. Even a kindred spirit will occasionally annoy you or make mistakes.4. They Become a Sounding BoardNo matter how the relationship dynamic plays out, though, a kindred spirit will always be someone you can deeply trust. That means that they will likely become someone you can use as a sounding board, someone to share life’s struggles with, or get a gut check when in a difficult situation. That doesn’t apply to all situations, but if you tune into your intuition, you’ll get a sense of the times when your kindred spirit will be the ideal person to talk to.It’s important to have diversity within social connections. Using people with different backgrounds and perspectives as a sounding board is always worthwhile, as long as you remain discerning. But the benefit of a kindred spirit is that they will have a deep understanding of your tendencies, and will be able to relate fully to your experience.As a result, they’ll become powerful allies on the path. Not only the spiritual path. But the path of learning to be fully human.KEEP READING Twin Flame Meaning: The Signs You’ve Found Your Spiritual Mirror

Does Absence Make the Heart Grow Fonder? How to Find the Balance of Time Together and Time Apart
Relationships

Does Absence Make the Heart Grow Fonder? How to Find the Balance of Time Together and Time Apart

In Symposium, Greek philosopher Plato offers a portrayal of love in which humans are split in two, and are forever destined to seek their counterpart. This image of love, one of union, two becoming one, is common. When you meet the love of your life, shouldn’t you crave to spend every second of every day looking longingly into their eyes, making the most of the time you spent together on the planet? Not quite.RELATED: What Are SMART Goals and How Can They Improve Your Relationship?Balancing competing wants and needs is an essential quality of a fulfilling, nourishing, long-term relationship. To avoid the pitfalls of codependency or a loss of self, that means cultivating time alone for personal development, hobbies, and activities outside of the romantic relationship. Paradoxically, time apart brings two people closer together.But is it true that absence makes the heart grow fonder? How much time alone is necessary for relationships to thrive? And what are the signs that space is the quality your relationship needs, or is benefitting from the most? Why Absence Can Sometimes Be a Good Thing in LoveAsking for or giving space in a relationship doesn’t have to be a red flag, but a practice is knowing what serves a relationship in the long-run. I’m someone who needs a lot of time alone, far above average, and my need for space is something I’ve had to communicate with my partner. Initially, it caused difficulty. But when this space was framed as positive for the relationship, it made it clearer time apart was an act of love.Having time alone allows you to process emotions or events in your own time, to explore other activities and hobbies. For me, it allows me to focus on both my creativity and spiritual practices. I’m highly sensitive to other people’s energy, even a loved one, and time to myself is my way of regaining balance. From that place, I have more to give to the relationship.It seems I’m not alone. In three decades of research of married couples, Dr. Terri Orbuch, a psychologist and research professor at the University of Michigan's Institute for Social Research, discovered that needing more time alone was an issue for 29 percent of couples. Other research backs this up. One study from 2013 found that couples in long-distance relationships had less frequent, but more meaningful interactions with their partners, including deeper levels of intimacy.Where Did the Saying Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder Come From?Back to the famous phrase, absence makes the heart grow fonder. Is this strictly true? Some research from MIT Technology Review points in this direction. The phrase is believed to have originated from Roman poet Sextus in Elegies (“Always toward absent lovers love's tide stronger flows”). The study explored cold, hard data that looked at call records, which seems to suggest that humans invest more in relationships that have distance between them. That applies to both romance and platonic relationships.Another question is how the phrase is interpreted. Being away from a loved one may increase desire, such as in a long-distance relationship, and lead to more investment in the relationship, but how much space is healthy? There can’t be a never-ending positive correlation. Relationships may grow fonder with distance, but grow together in proximity. So how is the balance formed? How Much Space Is Healthy for Romantic Relationships?Maybe it’s accurate to say: some absence makes the heart grow fonder, and finding how much absence you need is the biggest test of your relationship. It’s not quite as snappy as Roman poetry, but closer to truth. When it comes to discerning how much space is healthy, there’s no one-size-fits-all answer, it will depend on a number of factors, mostly how much time you need alone, how much your partner needs, and how much is healthy for the relationship to thrive. If you’re in a long-distance relationship, there will be other constraints to consider, too.How much space do you need? In truth, this is a lifelong practice of self-understanding. At certain times, you’ll likely need more space than others. Within this exploration, break down three criteria: minimum, adequate, and ideal. Your minimum is how much time alone you need for your mental health. Adequate is “enough,” whilst ideal is if you had no other things to consider.How much space does my partner need? This requires your partner to follow the above steps themselves. The more you can gauge your personal preferences, the more likely you are to find a middle ground.How much space is healthy for the relationship to thrive? Let’s say you need three days each week away from the relationship, while your partner would like only one day each week. Clearly, if you were to only meet your ideal needs, the relationship would become one-sided. Eventually, it would suffer through a lack of emotional or psychological closeness, and your partner could end up feeling neglected.Finding a healthy balance, when you have a good understanding of how much time alone each person needs, requires considering multiple factors. In my experience, I’ve been able to increase the time I’ve spent with my partner as I’ve got better at communicating my needs and setting compassionate boundaries. In effect, I’m less protective of my time alone, and trust we can find happy mediums, such as co-working, or being together whilst taking time away, such as meditating or journaling in a different room.Signs Absence Is Making Your Heart Grow FonderOnce you start this exploration, you’ll then be able to see the signs when absence is making your heart grow fonder, and when it’s stretching the relationship too much through too much distance. Some of the signs the space you’re experiencing is skilful and beneficial include:Inspired plans: in the time away from the relationship, you start to experience inspired ideas about the relationship. For example, you begin to imagine future plans or think of ways to make the most of time together.You feel seen and understood: when you do your own thing, you don’t feel as if it’s something to feel bad for, but actually feel that it allows you to be seen for who you are, and this level of acceptance makes you even more grateful for your relationship.You need less time than you thought: talking from my experience, the big sign is that, when you take time away, you end up missing your partner and wanting to spend time with them! The challenger at this stage is to communicate gently, and not expect your partner to be immediately available.You return with smiles on your faces: when you do meet-up, you both have a level of excitement, not only at being together, but sharing what you’ve both been up to during your time apart. That feeling of returning to each other also keeps the romance alive, and the fire of passion stoked.We’ll end on a word of warning: certain attachment styles can mistakenly associate time apart as skilful, when it enters avoidance territory. Only you can truly know this with self-honesty and self-observation. Relationships do require you to show up, be accountable, work through the tough stuff. All of that requires presence. It’s completely natural, and healthy, to take time apart, but make sure absence is masking other issues in the relationship.Unsurprising for a philosopher with such depth and genius, Plato was onto something in Symposium. Perhaps true love is the experience of union with someone else, feeling like we’ve found a home, that we want to spend all of our time with that person. But maybe the biggest act of love is the discipline to allow each of you to flourish, alone, to bring your fullest selves to the dynamic, enjoying the best of both worlds, together, and alone, each fuelling the beauty of the other.KEEP READING Signs Of A Karmic Relationship, And How to Use One For Spiritual Growth

The Basic Principles of Feng Shui: The Philosophy Much, Much Deeper Than Interior Design
Spiritual Health

The Basic Principles of Feng Shui: The Philosophy Much, Much Deeper Than Interior Design

I made a big decision yesterday — I moved my desk by 45 degrees. My visual field has changed. What was once a window, looking over a man-made valley between the residential buildings where I live, is now my living area. Rather than my back facing the rest of the room, it is now against a solid wall. Why all the excitement and change, you might ask? The simple answer is I felt something wasn’t quite right with the previous setup.RELATED: Wabi-Sabi: 6 Life-Changing Methods to Embrace ImperfectionThat subtle feeling is hard to describe. It’s intuitive. And yet, we are blessed to have access to ancient wisdom that puts words to these subtleties. One branch of such wisdom, feng shui, is the philosophy of energizing environments. Rather than purely aesthetic, this practice is based on the belief in subtle energies that have a significant impact on our psychology and well-being.What Is Feng Shui?Feng shui is a Chinese philosophy stretching all the way back to 4,000 BC. Although you may be familiar with the term due to its Western use, which focuses on the superficial elements of interior design, feng shui has sacred roots. It links to Eastern philosophies including Taoism, Buddhism, Confucianism, and more, and is deeply connected to the principle of Ch’i, the vital life force that permeates all things. Chinese scholar Yang Yun Song has been called the Father of Feng Shui, and is credited with writing one of the first books presenting its philosophy.Feng shui translates to “wind and water,” which gives some sense of its application. Legendary martial artist Bruce Lee famously said “be like water,” pointing to the nature of Ch’i, and how it aligns with the energetic flow of the universe. Ch’i is an energetic product of opposing forces of positive and negative energy, or yin and yang. Ch’i isn’t to be forced or controlled, but surrendered to, in order to flow with the natural order of things.Riding the wave of this energy flow, feng shui harmonizes people with their environments. Its early applications ranged from choosing land to settle and develop crops, to governmental buildings, sacred sites, and tombs. Anyone who has looked into ancient architecture will know how important the positioning and structure of physical buildings were. Like many ancient approaches, feng shui also considers astrology and the position of the stars.Feng Shui and Electromagnetic FieldsAlthough labeled as pseudo-scientific by certain, let’s say, more skeptical communities, the principles of feng shui have interesting parallels with modern understanding of the Earth’s magnetic fields. A study from 2019 discovered that some people sense changes in these fields, similar to many animals that rely on them to navigate — think salmon traveling 1,000s of miles through the sea, or birds migrating through the sky.Other studies led by HeartMath Institute have shown that people respond to coherence to the frequency of the Earth. When brainwaves and heart rate match that of the Earth’s natural frequency, people feel calmer, more compassionate, and more at ease. There’s also little doubt about the interconnection of nature, and how humans are intertwined with their environment. All of which to say, there’s a plausible amount of science to back up the wisdom of this ancient Chinese art.Applying Feng Shui to Your HomeKeep in mind this is largely an intuitive process. As you make changes, pay close attention to how you feel. Most of us have “a vibe” of a room, or felt comfortable or uncomfortable sitting in a specific place in a cafe or similar, without knowing why. Perhaps, like magnetic fields, we have an intuitive connection to the principles of feng shui.While it might not be possible to enter a trance-like state, tune into the Earth’s electromagnetic field, and position your furniture in a way that will astrologically transform your entire life, there are certain principles of feng shui that can be adopted at home.1. Consider the ElementsA cornerstone of the philosophy of feng shui is related to the five elements: fire, earth, metal, water, and wood. Nature is the product of construct flux and interaction between these elements. In feng shui, harmony in an environment requires a balance of these elements. As objects, elements represent rock or ceramics, candles or fireplaces, electronics or metal furniture, fountains or aquariums, or plants. Each element is represented by a color, too: red, yellow, white/beige/silver, dark blue or black, blue or green.An excess of certain elements can cause things to be out of balance. If that’s the case, other elements have to be introduced to neutralize the environment, depending on their relationship. Wood weakens water and strengthens fire. Fire weakens wood and strengthens Earth. Earth weakens fire and strengthens metal. Metal weakens Earth and strengthens water. Water weakens metal and strengthens wood.2. Respect the DoorwayDoorways are a big deal in feng shui. They’re viewed as portals of Ch’i, the thresholds between the individual building (or home, or office) and the outside world. Seen as an individual organism, this is the home’s defense against negative energy. Each separate room has a portal-within-a-portal, which has to be equally respected. With the main door of your home, make sure the hallway is free from clutter — set the intention to frame the entry point in a positive way. Clean, purposeful, tidy.Equally, make sure all doors can open freely. It’s tempting to place things behind doors, such as an umbrella stand in the hallway, or a piece of furniture in the living room. But for optimal energy flow, doors have to be free to open as wide as possible.3. Set Up the Commanding PositionLinked to the power of doorways, the commanding position is the optimal set-up for key items, including your bed, stove, and desk. Like my intuitive decision to move my desk, the feng shui principles suggest avoiding having your back to a doorway, at any given moment. Symbolically, this represents being ready for what life has ahead of you, and not being caught off-guard.The recommended commanding position is facing a door, but not directly in front of it; so perhaps diagonally or at an angle. For your desk, a bonus point is to have your back facing a solid wall, which represents being supported and strong in your career decisions.4. Declutter and Keep Things Tidy More common sense than anything, decluttering and tidying is key factor in creating a harmonious and productive environment. The principle of feng shui is that environments are “alive,” in some sense, and they are symbolic of our inner world. While you may not have full control over shared spaces, you are in command of your home. Clutter represents a busy mind. Old or broken objects represent holding onto things that no longer have value.In recent years, there’s been a rise in the use of minimalism. That doesn’t have to be the case with feng shui, but pay close attention to the objects in your home. If your environment was an extension of you, how could you best care for it? What does it represent currently, and what would you like it to represent? Some TLC in this direction can create a positive feedback loop.5. Invest in Plants Plants are the embodiment of the element of wood. In terms of feng shui, and the interconnection between people and their environment, it doesn’t get much stronger than plants that play a role in recycling the oxygen you breathe. Unsurprisingly, research has found a whole host of benefits of having plants on display, from reduced stress and improved focus.The same principle from above applies — make sure you care for them! Water them regularly, and trim them whenever they become overgrown (it is said that an overgrown branch becomes imbalanced in its yang energy, sucking up too much light and demanding extra nutrients to survive). If the unfortunate happens and plants start to die, it's time to get rid of them. In feng shui, dead plants are a big no in terms of negative energy.6. Consider Movement PatternsFeng shui is all about maximizing the power of the Earth’s life force, so energy can flow freely. This is symbolized in your home, or office, by how freely you can move through the environment. Pay attention to the layout of the furniture, and the regular ways you have to move. Are there obstacles? Do you have to awkwardly squeeze past tables or chairs as you walk to the kitchen or the bathroom? Being able to move easily requires a healthy dose of space, the overlooked element in many interiors. Space is the “glue” that invisibly connects all the items in your home or office. Use it wisely.7. Work With LightWhen it comes to energy, there’s no source more powerful and life-sustaining than the sun. A supportive and nourishing environment will make the best use of natural light during daytime, which means keeping windows unobstructed and clean, and positioning key areas with the dance of light in mind. Consider using mirrors to add the extra illusion of light and space in certain areas, if necessary.When it comes to artificial light, make sure your home or office is lit well. Be purposeful with your lighting — brighter light works better for productivity, whereas dull, warm light might be better for when you’re relaxing in the evening. Make sure to include the fire element and add a number of candles around your home, too.Piecing It Together There’s a lot of mystical wisdom to feng shui. If you feel the pull, feel free to immerse yourself in learning more about the flow of energy fields, and how to harness the power of working with the natural ebb and flow of nature. Feng shui is much more than home layouts, and its philosophy can be widely applied to many areas of life. If that’s too much to ask, though, at the very least it’s a philosophy that can inspire you to think differently about the relationship you have with your environment.Become more deliberate about the quality of your living or workspace. Keeping things clean and tidy, and positioning things in a way that feels intuitively “right,” can only have positive results. Don’t stress too much about doing everything perfectly, as there are often contradictions or impossibilities (for example, in my home, it’s impossible for my bed to face the door), but do your best to sprinkle a little magic. Who knows, maybe it’s the small adjustment that can take your life to the next level.KEEP READING Kaizen: How You Can Utilize The Japanese Philosophy of Continual Improvement

Tim Robbins: 4 Ways To Apply The Actor’s Empowered Mindset
Mindset

Tim Robbins: 4 Ways To Apply The Actor’s Empowered Mindset

Tim Robbins is best known for featuring in one of the most inspirational films in Hollywood history — The Shawshank Redemption. In the 1994 epic, Robbins stars alongside Morgan Freeman as Andy Dufresne, a man who vehemently claims his innocence having been convicted of murdering his wife and her lover. The bond between Andy and "Red" (Freeman) spans decades of time in prison, with a powerful message of hope and resilience.RELATED: What Is Method Acting, Which Actors Use It and Is It… Dangerous?Robbins has had an esteemed acting career, including an Oscar, and time spent behind the camera directing films such as Dead Man Walking, for which he received an Academy Award nomination. He’s also the founder of an experimental theater group, The Actors’ Gang, which he started in 1981. All of which is to say, Tim Robbins understands the industry. And, not only that, he’s someone at the top of his game. There’s a lot to learn from Robbins’s mindset and approach, but one of his mantras stands out more than most.Robbins: Never Blame the AudienceRobbins is known for considering the diversity of audiences and leaving any differences outside of the theater. That’s not always an easy choice to honor. In a Substack interview with Matt Taibbi, he expressed concern at how covid-measures impacted the arts, in particular vaccine mandates for audiences. “At the door, you don’t say you can’t come in, because you haven’t done this or that,” he said. “I had a problem with that. So I waited until everyone could be allowed in the theater.” Robbins’ approach has integrated into his acting mindset — never blame the audience. It’s an unwritten rule he follows, regardless of how well, or how poorly, a performance goes. In an interview with Traveling Boy, the actor expanded upon this ethos when asked about the validity of actors blaming the audience:“Never assume anyone in the audience had enough money to buy this ticket and assume because of that, they walked five miles to get here because they couldn't afford a bus. That's the respect you owe an audience. You never want to hear that an audience sucked. No. You sucked. You didn't meet them. You didn't find a way to tell them a story. Because of our discipline and approach, which is how do we make this immediate and great right now for these people, we rarely have an off night.”Tim RobbinsThe feedback loop of an audience is amplified in theater. Compared to a movie, where actors may spend months in a studio setting, surrounded by the crew, with occasional screenings shown to other people, actors in a theater have nowhere to hide. They breathe the same oxygen as the audience. Although respect works both ways, Robbins leads the way. And there’s a lot to learn from this simple, but profound, approach.Applying Tim Robbins’s Mindset“I learned much more about acting from philosophy courses, psychology courses, history and anthropology than I ever learned in acting class.”Tim RobbinsThe above quote by Robbins points to the actor’s wisdom. His mantra, never blame the audience, can be interpreted in a number of ways. Above all else, it’s about personal responsibility, discipline, and a growth mindset. Blaming the audience is a metaphor that extends far beyond theater. The act of blaming the audience avoids looking at the actor’s own experience, or finding creative ways to improve, and instead projects fault onto a faceless crowd. Clearly, studying psychology and philosophy has paid off. Robbins' approach has the hallmarks of stoicism, in particular Marcus Aurelius’ quote: “You have power over your mind — not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength.” In the theater of life, blaming the audience creates no room to learn from the audience. What didn’t work, and what could be done better next time? With the metaphor in mind, let’s look at 5 ways to apply the mindset to your life.1. Know That Blame Has Limited ValueWhat areas of life are you tempted to blame others, or life itself, for things not going your way? It’s normal to fall into blame from time to time. We might blame our partner for our emotional ups and downs. The tax man for our poor financial situation. Or our broken alarm clock for waking up late. Anytime you fall into blame, you stop taking responsibility, and enter into a space of learned helplessness.Blame has limited value. Instead, try to adopt an approach that always considers your role. You can start with small steps. What actions can you take, today, to make progress in any given situation? You’re much more creative than you’d imagine, and solutions will present themselves. For example, in a relationship, you might see the ways you lose your cool easily, and commit to improving your emotional regulation.2. Always Ask: How Can I Do Better?Despite Robbins’ career success, notice that he doesn’t assume the audience doesn’t get it. He’d be forgiven for taking such an egoic stance, considering his knowledge of the field. But instead, Robbins always makes the assumption there’s something he can do better, that it’s not the audience’s misunderstanding. He gives them the benefit of the doubt and doesn't make assumptions. The beauty of this approach is that it applies to all life areas.Let’s say, for example, you’re trying to make a career out of writing. You feel compelled to write, and show up every day to put words on the page. But every time you publish… tumbleweed. One option would be to fall into bitterness and moan about how people don’t get your work. The other would be to show up every day, keen to look at ways to improve. Can you improve your delivery, your headlines? Can you simplify or make your topics more relatable? There’s always scope to improve.3. Don’t Take Things PersonallyWhat I love about Robbins’ approach is that, even when not blaming the audience, he’s not sulking. He’s not personifying their lack of connection, taking it personally, and blaming himself instead. He’s viewing the situation objectively and analyzing it with logic. Granted, in life, it’s difficult not to take certain things personally; rejection hurts, as does not being noticed, or having something you care for overlooked. But do your best to train your mind not to take it personally.Notice that Robbins uses the example of someone not having money to pay for a bus ticket? Always give people the benefit of the doubt, extend them compassion, and don't assume or jump to quick conclusions.Not getting a response you’d like doesn’t mean you’re a failure, or not good enough. It just means something wasn’t quite right, but you have the chance to go again, to experiment, to try something new. Remain as self-compassionate as understanding when going through apparent setbacks and failure — it’s all part of the journey to success.4. Be ResilientWhat’s more important than individual outcomes, the metaphorical audience on any given night is the resilience you develop by showing up, day after day. That’s how character is developed. By continuing to show up, you’re demonstrating belief in what it is you’re here to do, even when you’re not received as warmly as you’d like. You're showing grit and determination, all the traits that lead to success. By not blaming the audience, you’re developing the value of humility, something that will be essential when things eventually do take off. This point is particularly relevant to the film that put Robbins on the map, The Shawshank Redemption.Finding Inspiration in Robbins’ MantraAt the risk of a spoiler (you’ve had long enough to watch by now), Andy is the embodiment of resilience. Day after day, as lights go out, he chisels away at the prison wall with a tiny rock hammer. Each small piece of stone chiseled away builds up. He keeps going, year after year after year until he’s chiseled a hole big enough to escape through.Using Andy as an example, think how easy it would have been for him to enter a space of blaming the audience; the courts, the injustice, the prisoners causing him harm, and the people ignoring his pleas of innocence. But he had no choice but to keep going, to believe, to find the energy to chisel away, to never lose hope.There’s a lot of wisdom packed into Robbins’ modest approach. Blaming the audience is the easy way out. By taking responsibility, you’ll be able to adapt a resilient approach to life’s ups and downs, build character along the way, and always strive to do better. You’ll have off days, for sure. But over the long run, you’ll move forward, one step (or stone) at a time.KEEP READING Achieving Resilience: The Importance of Bouncing Back

6 Actors Who Captured Transformative Leadership On the Big Screen (And What You Can Learn From Them)
Mindset

6 Actors Who Captured Transformative Leadership On the Big Screen (And What You Can Learn From Them)

Humanity’s progress depends on remarkable people who step forward to inspire and guide others. Modern culture reflects this need with the worship of the entrepreneur, with the likes of Steve Jobs and Elon Musk as modern-day symbols of innovation and leadership. Effective leadership wins the hearts and minds of the masses; but what makes a remarkable leader?RELATED: 60 Marcus Aurelius Quotes About Life, Death and LeadershipThere is an element of mystery, a charm or charisma that seems to be god-given, rather than developed. However, research has identified key qualities of transformational leadership, bringing these qualities to light. Let’s look at the secrets of transformative leadership, backed up by Hollywood’s most impressive examples, to give you a clear idea of what it takes — along with quality movie recommendations.What Is Transformative Leadership?What comes to mind when you think of a leader? Most of us have an idealized image of leadership. Sure, there are negative examples, such as a tyrant ruling over others with fear and intimidation, or an authoritarian who demands other people do as they say. But most of us can identify leaders who embody something special — the ability to transform others, not through fear, but through inspiration.Transformative Leadership TheoryJames MacGregor Burns, a historian and political scientist who extensively studied presidents, coined the term transformative leadership in the 1970s. His work has been studied and built upon since then. In 1991, scholars Bernard Bass and Bruce Avolio introduced three distinct categories of leadership styles:Laissez-faire: a French term that translates to “let them do (what they want),” a passive style of leadership that puts the responsibility of decision-making on employees. These leaders are absent and shirk at making decisions and leading by example.Transactional: this is a standard form of leadership, which doesn’t have big goals or desire to make positive change, but keeps things ticking over. These leaders will organize teams based on reward and punishment and monitor only to find fault. Think of a sales manager who is uninspired by their work, and encourages the team to perform and hit targets with the promise of bonuses.Transformative: these leaders go above and beyond. They’re not around to keep the status quo, but to completely rethink the organization’s (or culture’s) way of operating. A significant element of this type of leadership is the ability to connect vision and values, getting people to “buy in” to the cultural shift. These leaders focus less on short-term transactions, and more on the bigger picture.Leadership styles apply to any scenario where leadership occurs. The most obvious is in an organization; think of the CEO or manager position. But leadership occurs in families, sports teams, communities, and cultural movements. The likes of Martin Luther King or Gandhi may come to mind. Many transformative leaders don’t have high profiles, but the chances are, their followers will detect something remarkable. The Four Dimensions of Transformational LeadershipWhat makes that something remarkable? Exceptional communication skills are, of course, essential, along with self-awareness and a solid grasp of human psychology. You could argue that the right timing for a message to be received, and the relevance of the leader’s vision, all contribute. In addition, Bass and Avoilio identified the four dimensions of transformational leadership:Individualized consideration: these leaders don’t expect everyone to have the same needs, but they’re able to adapt and inspire a diverse cross-section of people. Not everyone will be inspired or motivated by the same approach, but these managers will find a way for each individual.Inspirational motivation: in order to go above and beyond, these leaders know how to connect to an inspired vision, how to communicate that, and how to identify ways to move towards the vision. Not relying on punishment and reward, they stir the hearts and minds, encouraging others to become part of the shared vision and values. Idealized influence: these leaders are ethical and model, and lead by example. They don’t shy away from difficult decisions but demonstrate integrity, thoughtfulness, and care, whilst always inspiring their teams to do better.Intellectual stimulation: these leaders encourage people’s input and foster creativity. They’re aware of their own biases and aren’t afraid to welcome other perspectives. Rather than believing their way is the right way, they’ll always assess and update, and that includes challenging the mental models and conventional ways of thinking.Examples of Transformative Leadership in FilmSome individuals command the attention of thousands, or millions, of followers; these people inspire others to become better, to exceed their own expectations. Others fight for a cause in acts of courage and resilience that go unnoticed by the masses. No matter their origin, Hollywood has captured many of these stories on the big screen. Below isn't a definitive list, but a collection of the many faces of transformative leadership.1. Samuel L. Jackson in Coach CarterSport is a powerful vessel for transformative leadership to shine. That was Ken Carter’s initial focus (Jackson) when he returned to his old school, Richmond High, to coach their basketball team. Based on a true story, Carter made waves for suspending his top performers for poor academic grades. This wasn’t only about basketball, but wanting the best out of his underprivileged group, where many end up in prison. Carter’s passion and inspiration were aimed off-the-court, as well as on it.RELATED: 128 Leadership Quotes to Inspire You to Become a Better LeaderThe movie captures how Carter instills a sense of respect, determination, and confidence — a form of idealized influence. He stands up for his belief in improving the players’ grades, despite huge amounts of pressure. “I took this job because I wanted to effect change in a special group of young men,” he says, “and this is the only way I know how to do that.” Eventually, the players get on board. A number get scholarships to attend college.2. Daniel Radcliffe in Harry PotterAlthough not an obvious choice, Harry Potter (Radcliffe) is a transformative leader in his own magical sense. Fighting for the forces of good over evil, Potter continues to develop and grow as he moves through education at Hogwarts, mentored by Albus Dumbledore. Eventually, he goes on to mentor others, particularly when the school’s pupils are told they are not able to train in practical defense against dark arts. In response, Harry forms a secret group, Dumbledore’s Army.During secret training, Potter encourages the team of students to go beyond what they thought was possible, through inspirational motivation. “Every great wizard in history started out as nothing more than what we are now — students,” he tells them. He meets every individual’s needs, particularly Neville, who looks like he’ll never make the grade but is supported by Harry until he eventually learns the spell he’s been trying hard to master.3. Helen Mirren in Calendar GirlsWhat do a group of middle-aged women from Yorkshire have to do with transformative leadership? Another film based on true events, Calendar Girls tells the story of a group of women who pose for a naked calendar, with the noble aim of raising money for a cancer charity. However, against all expectations, they start to receive more and more attention, before their story reaches the heights of global fame, including an interview on The Tonight Show.Their exposure isn’t through pure luck, though. Leader of the group Chris (Mirren) is shown navigating all sorts of hurdles along the way, not least her impassioned speech to get the calendar’s official status. What’s most impressive is how Chris leads by example in navigating the unexpected leadership status. She wears her heart on her sleeve, inspiring with passion and authenticity, as well as a never-say-die attitude. 4. Hilary Swank in Freedom WritersAnother true-story set in a high school setting, Freedom Writers shows the naive but well-intentioned efforts of new teacher Erin Gruwell (Swank). Joining a school in LA that was heavily divided by racial segregation following riots a few years prior, Gruwell seems to be on a lost cause. The students have no desire to learn and have to some degree already become resigned to their fate. But the teacher has a different idea.Working tirelessly to find different ways to motivate the group, she begins by attempting to show them what they have in common, not what separates them. Gruwell works extra jobs in order to fund the school’s purchase of books, and, after reading The Diary of Anne Frank, arranges a school visit from Miep Gies, the Austrian secretary who protected Frank. In the end, her enthusiasm and belief in her students changes their belief of what's possible.5. Brad Pitt in MoneyballAnother story of sport leadership based on true events, Moneyball depicts a different style of transformative leadership. Rather than lead the line with passion and charisma, in the way Coach Carter did, Billy Beane (Pitt) takes an unconventional approach in piecing together Oakland Athletic’s baseball team in the 2002 season. Faced with financial constraints, he works with Yale economics graduate, Peter Brand, who has a radical way of scouting players, by relying on cold, hard data.Faced with a lack of belief and even ridicule by those around him, Beane sees the potential in Brand’s "sabermetric model" and assembles a team that, on paper, appears to be low in quality. To make things more difficult, initially the team struggles, and Beane fires his head scout who opposes the idea. Eventually, the pair’s approach leads to success and is now fully integrated into the sport.6. Chadwick Boseman in Black PantherWould any current movie list be complete without a superhero element? The multi-billion-dollar frenzy of superhero movies in recent decades points to the popularity of comic book adaptations. There are a number of reasons why. Larger-than-life portrayals of invincible heroes are pure escapism, a way to be entertained and stimulated by the big screen. But there’s more to it; superheroes amplify the qualities of transformational leadership, particularly idealized influence.Although there are plenty of options to choose from, Black Panther stands out as a deeper exploration of what it means to lead. And not just any type of leading, either — what it takes to be a King. The late and great Chadwick Boseman excels as T’Challa, showing the often painful process of trying to lead with integrity and honor, whilst always holding the bigger picture in view, and pre-empting the repercussions of decisions, knowing when to fight or negotiate, and how to respond in high-pressure situations.In one powerful scene, T’Challa’s father, T’Chaka, tells him: “You are a good man with a good heart. And it's hard for a good man to be a king.” Those words ring true; similar to Ken Carter, T’Chaka knows that true leadership will involve making decisions that might upset others, but honoring values is more important than being liked, even if that weighs heavy on the heart.KEEP READING Leadership Styles: What Best Suits Your Psychology?

Weaponized Incompetence: How to Respond to the Subtle Manipulation Tactic
Relationships

Weaponized Incompetence: How to Respond to the Subtle Manipulation Tactic

My dad once taught me a trick he’d learned while working in construction as a scaffolder. New team members would be on tea duty, requiring them to make up to 20 cups, a number of times every day. The men my dad worked with were no-nonsense, and if they didn’t like the tea, if it were a little too milky, or a little too strong, they’d spit it out and ask for another, meaning double the work. However, if you were really good at making tea, you’d be stuck doing it forever.RELATED: 5 Signs You’re in a Toxic Relationship, and What Steps To Take NextSo my dad decided to experiment. He started making tea that was poorly made, overly milky, too strong. Sure enough, his teammates would spit out the tea, and ask him to do another. But after the second round of poor tea-making, they gave up. “Steve,” they said, “that’s it, don’t even bother.”My younger self appreciated this school of life wisdom. What my dad was demonstrating was what could be termed weaponized incompetence, the act of deliberately performing a task poorly to avoid doing it. What my dad was doing was lighthearted and something he later told his friends, to their laughter. However, in different areas of life, weaponized incompetence can take on a darker edge. Learn all about this subtle form of trickery, and how to handle it.What Is Weaponized Incompetence?The origin of weaponized incompetence is likely a 2008 Wall Street Journal article, The Art of Showing Pure Incompetence At an Unwanted Task, which coined the term strategic incompetence. That article focused on deliberate incompetence in the workplace setting. However, in recent years, weaponized incompetence has found viral fame on social media platforms, like TikTok, linked to romantic relationships and toxic masculinity.In this context, weaponized incompetence is a way for someone to avoid unwanted tasks, such as household chores, by placing the emotional labor onto their partner. Emotional labor is another hot-button topic, which describes invisible tasks that are undertaken, mostly by women, in order to appease or keep functionality flowing in work or in personal relationships. In Fair Play, which tackles gender inequality, Eve Rodksy captures this imbalance when she writes:“Seventy-eight percent of moms say they are so busy maintaining family stability by being constantly available, mentally and physically, to deal with every detail of home life that they aren’t taking care of themselves.”Is Weaponized Incompetence Abuse?Weaponized incompetence has been linked to emotional abuse, gaslighting, and other forms of manipulation. It’s worth noting that often these types of behavior are subconscious, and not done deliberately; someone may have learned the behavior from their parents (don’t ask me to make you a cup of tea!), or have developed the habit of avoidance without being clear about why that is. In that sense, performing tasks poorly could be learned helplessness.However, there is a risk of weaponized incompetence entering abusive territory. If someone deliberately performs a task poorly, and denies it or shifts blame on the other person when this is called out, it could be gaslighting. Equally, if someone resorts to flattery (“you’re so much more skilled than I am”), or overemphasizes their inadequacy (“this will take me a while” or “I struggle with this more than you,”) it could be manipulation through guilt-tripping.Either way, any way of avoiding responsibility, without creating an even give and take or meeting personal obligations, is a red flag that deserves deeper exploration. Where Does Weaponized Incompetence Happen?Weaponized incompetence occurs in lots of relationship dynamics — between romantic partners, in workplace settings, between parents and children, siblings, or friends. It can even find its way into therapeutic relationships, such as with coaches or therapists who have clients who don’t maintain accountability or demonstrate inner resourcefulness. It may occur as a one-off or indicate a deeper, habitual form of behavior.Examples of Weaponised IncompetenceWeaponized incompetence comes in many forms. People may outright refuse to perform a task, make a lot of noise and drama about performing a task, perform a task poorly (such as going grocery shopping and “forgetting” key items), or emphasize how much better the task would be performed by someone else. Examples include:In relationships: I’m drinking coffee as I write. My partner made my coffee. The coffee is delicious. However, at her apartment, her coffee machine is complicated; it takes a while to grind the beans, foam the milk, and operate it in the right way. It takes a solid 20 minutes. I also have an espresso machine at home, and have learned how to use it. Not learning, being dramatic if ever I have to make it, and encouraging my partner to make it, instead, would enter the realm of weaponized incompetence.In work: projects that require teamwork run the risk of weaponized incompetence. For example, if there are menial tasks, such as updating spreadsheets, and someone takes too long and disrupts the workflow for others, a colleague may jump in, and choose to do it instead.In shared living: having housemates requires a delegation of tasks, such as cleaning. If someone is generally slow to clean up, and when they do, don’t clean properly, or rush the job, it may encourage other housemates to do it instead, or end up doing the job a second time.How to Deal With Weaponised IncompetenceStart by exploring whether you are on the receiving end of weaponized incompetence, or enacting it yourself. It’s entirely possible that you engage in behaviors that cover the definition, from time to time. When I discovered the term, I reflected uncomfortably on times when I’ve avoided tasks in a way that was manipulative, even if that was subtle and not deliberate. All of us are capable of slipping into this territory.RELATED: Are You Being Emotionally Abused? Here Are The Signs To Look Out ForWhen it comes to your own behavior, reflect on how you perform certain tasks, with self-honesty. Do you ever avoid making an additional effort, knowing someone else will step in? Are there things you could learn to make it easier for others, or areas you could improve your efficiency?When considering other people’s behavior, the first step is to consider how frequent and obvious weaponized incompetence is. It’s tempting to jump to conclusions and assume emotional abuse, but remember, for a lot of people, the behavior is unconscious. With that in mind, some steps to follow are:1. Consider Why the Behavior Is UpsettingWhen you first become aware of types of unhealthy behavior, the first response of anger is understandable. We’re all becoming more switched on to the nuances of communication, and unhealthy dynamics. What was normalized and unseen years ago now has a label and a stream of blogs about it online. Without attempting to classify all types of behavior, consider why this specific behavior, in your specific context, is upsetting.For example, let’s say your partner regularly forgets items on the grocery list. There are a number of reasons this might be frustrating — it might indicate negligence on their side, or it may leave you the person responsible for sorting the situation. You may frequently do the shopping, and only occasionally rely on them to help out.Below the surface, you may feel unseen, undervalued, or all sorts of heartfelt and genuine emotions. This is the core of the upset; tap into it, because it's the deeper truth of why these behaviors are unhealthy in any relationship.2. CommunicateDo your best to address weaponized incompetence with integrity. Being angry or upset in a moment is fine. But set the environment for a conversation where you can enquire, without making assumptions. Ask questions. Get curious. Share your pain points. Avoid using the term itself. For example, you might say, “I struggle that when you do the shopping, you often forget groceries. Please can you be more careful?”Ideally, the other person will respond positively, explaining their reasoning. It could be that they’re oblivious to the knock-on effect of forgetting a thing or two, and simply being aware may change the behavior. It’s a red flag if the person is overly defensive or dismisses what is communicated.3. Set BoundariesOnce you’ve communicated what behaviors aren’t desirable, and why, the next step is to set boundaries. They’re a way of essentially saying what you do or don’t tolerate, and what you’ll do in response. Boundaries can be hard, soft, or somewhere in between. For example, you may say that grocery shopping is split 50/50, and if essential items are forgotten, it’s that person’s responsibility to go back and get them.4. Consider Negotiable and Non-Negotiable CompetenciesEach person in any relationship has to be able to ask for what they need, related to competency. It’s okay for competency levels to be unequal in different areas, as long as it roughly balances out. In a romantic relationship, someone might be better with DIY, someone might be better at cooking, and that’s healthy. The issue is when one person feels neglected or unsupported due to the other person’s incompetency. Knowing where those areas are is key.5. Decide What to Do if Things Don’t ChangeIf you give someone the benefit of the doubt, an opportunity to communicate, and chance to adjust their behavior, there’s not much else you can do. How that person responds will be a big indication of their original motivation for committing weaponized incompetence. It could even be that you decide it is better to find other solutions; if your partner is awful at cleaning, maybe they offer to hire a cleaner, so the job still gets done.But if things don’t change, and the situation remains the same, with that person still committing the same behavioral hiccups, then it’s time to consider how much of a dealbreaker it is for the relationship. The occasional milky or overly brewed tea is forgivable. But a complete lack of support in non-negotiable areas may cause the relationship to end.Have patience, and find a balanced approach. But don’t overlook the power of the opposite of weaponized competence, what I’d call mutual competence, a sense of togetherness and teamwork, where combined, you’re stronger than alone.KEEP READING How To Deal With Manipulative Behavior in Relationships

5 Steps to Apply The Wisdom of Internal Family Systems Therapy to Your Own Life
Mental Health

5 Steps to Apply The Wisdom of Internal Family Systems Therapy to Your Own Life

A friend once shared that when they started looking for support for their mental health, they were shocked to find more than one type of therapy. I’d assumed everyone knew this, but the truth is, there are many options available, and finding the right type of therapy is just as important as the therapy itself. Internal Family Systems Therapy, or IFS, is a lesser-known form of therapy, which we’ll explore in this article.RELATED: Personal Vs. Group Therapy: Which Mental Health Journey Is Right for You?Internal family systems therapy was founded by Dr. Richard C. Schwartz in the 1980s. It takes an interesting view of the psyche; rather than one solid and fixed “self,” the IFS model is based upon the theory of multiple subpersonalities that have their own emotions, beliefs, and viewpoints. If this all sounds a little disconcerting, don’t worry — it’s less “out there” than it sounds, and is an evidence-based approach that has been proven to be effective.In addition to walking through the various goals and components of the IFS model, we’ll also show you how to apply its theory as self-help, to give you a taste of its practical power.What is the Goal of Internal Family Systems Therapy?Schwartz developed IFS therapy having originally worked as a psychologist trained in family systems; the theory that families are complex, emotional units, and the way they interact influence the psychology of each member. Schwartz expanded upon this theory to apply it an individual, having noticed that many clients spoke of different “parts” of themselves, that have conflicting demands.Schwartz also noticed that these inner parts communicated in ways that mirrored family dynamics. From there, he started to explore ways in which to heal the inner parts, moving the client to a more integrated and whole version of themselves. For Schwartz, traumatic experiences led to defense mechanisms and “extreme roles,” which have to be seen and healed in order to find greater emotional and psychological balance.Although the idea of multiple “personalities” can bring up images of extreme disorders, many schools of thought in psychology have explored inner conflict as being one of the core elements of the human mind. To name a few, Sigmund Freud had his theory of the id, ego, and superego, whilst his protege, Carl Jung, spoke of different archetypes that exist within. Jung, in particular, was also concerned with “wholeness,” that is, the person bringing the fullest version of themselves to the forefront of their being.Is Internal Family Systems Therapy Legitimate?While the amount of research around IFS therapy isn’t as comprehensive as other forms of therapy, such as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), it is an evidence-based practice, with a growing body of evidence for positive results in treating conditions including depression, PTSD, stress, and anxiety. In 2021 a study published in the Journal of Aggression, Maltreatment & Trauma found IFS therapy to be effective in reducing PTSD in survivors of extreme childhood trauma.Leading world experts on trauma, including Gabor Mate and Dr. Bessel van der Kolk, endorse and have been inspired by Schwartz’s innovative approach to trauma-informed treatment. Tapping into Schwartz’s ethos, in The Body Keeps The Score, Kolk writes:“The Self is like an orchestra conductor who helps all the parts to function harmoniously as a symphony rather than a cacophony.”The Core Components of Internal Family Systems TherapyThe IFS model promotes self-leadership — that is the ability to self-heal and uncover a sense of inner resourcefulness, to find the answers and to kick-start self-repair. In this sense, it mirrors philosophical or spiritual approaches of inner wisdom. The relationship between the self, and parts, is the foundation of internal family systems.PartsWithin the IFS model, parts come under different categories. Typically they are in conflict with each other and lack trust in the self. They may be “frozen” at different ages (think, for example, of the inner child). The goal is to find better harmony as an overall system, relying and trusting the core self as, as Kolk says, the conductor of the orchestra. The three categories are:Exiles: the most intense in feeling and memory, most often linked to trauma, and difficult emotions such as shame, humiliation, or even rage or anger. These parts are exiled, pushed out of consciousness, and suppressed, but in doing so, this depletes the availability of psychic energy available.Managers: these parts look for ways to control the system, and keep the exiled parts away, through concern over their level of disruption. These are known as proactive protectors, and are often healthy, keeping a person functioning and operating well.Firefighters: known as reactive protectors, firefighters take control if exiles break through the system, attempting to avoid pain in a more cavalier way, including forms of escapism such as substance abuse, self-harm, or thrill-seeking behavior. Firefights are at odds with managers for being more volatile.The Core SelfWhat exactly is the self? Pinning down a definitive description of the self is complex. But different schools of thought, including the IFS model, have been able to identify a core self that holds, in some way, our highest potential — colloquially called a higher self or true self, it’s grounded in wisdom and clarity, compared to the reactivity or distortions of individual parts. Internal family systems categorize remarkable characteristics of the self as Eight Cs and Five Ps, which are:Calm, clarity, compassion, curiosity, confidence, courage, creativity, and connection.Presence, patience, perspective, persistence, and playfulness.Schwartz discovered that when operating from the self, these qualities consistently appeared, catalyzing the healing process.The Unburdening ProcessPart of the goal of internal family systems is to allow the self to create the appropriate conditions for exiled parts to rise to the surface, share their pain, their needs, and their fears, and be communicated with from a different quality of consciousness. In doing so, they become healed and integrated, rather than shunned from the spotlight of consciousness. Schwartz calls this process unburdening, due to the nature of letting go of painful memories and unaddressed emotions.How To Apply Internal Family Systems On Your OwnAlthough the IFS model is used as a therapeutic method, it’s possible to apply its tool and insights on your own — it is a model of self-leadership, after all. Similar to CBT, the ethos of the method can be used on yourself, although it may take more discipline, it can be effective. It begins by identifying the self. According to Schwartz:“It helps to know when you're in self and when you're not. We have a meditation that helps people get their parts in open space and then feel what it's like to be in self. And then, the simple practice of just noticing how many of those eight Cs you are finding. And noticing how open your heart is, or noticing if you have a big agenda.”1. Discern What The Self Is, And Isn’tThe list of remarkable qualities above directs you towards the qualities of the self. But words alone don’t capture it; you have to familiarize with the self, when it’s most present. Personally speaking, this has been one of the biggest gifts of meditation. Through mindfulness practice, I was able to find the inner sense of peace and wisdom that catalyzed my own healing process.RELATED: Self-Reflection: Why Is It Important?The self can be active spontaneously, too. It can feel as if a sense of calm and clarity suddenly comes over you, like an “aha” moment — maybe on a walk in nature, after exercising, or after a period of stress and anxiety, where suddenly, the clouds are lifted. Without trying to conceptualize, become as familiar as you can.Don’t stress at this point or try to force connection, as the self is paradoxical; the more you clear your mind and become centered, the more likely it is to appear.2. Finding Lost PartsThis task isn’t easily done alone, especially if you have experienced significant trauma. But it is possible to begin exploring your inner landscape, to identify the different parts, and how they surface in your day-to-day life. In the IFS model, this is known as “unblending,” as a way to clarify the individual components. Therapists use 6 Fs to locate parts, which you can also apply to yourself:Find: this requires self-awareness to be present to individual components, how they exist energetically and within the body.Focus: rather than ignore this part, deliberately focus on it.Flesh out: now start to fill in the gaps. Does this part have a visual element? Is it represented in a certain way, or by powerful emotions?Feel toward: the next step is to ask the question, how do you feel about this part? This will highlight whether the self is active, or whether another, secondary part is influencing (or judging) this part.BeFriend: start to enquire into the nature of this part, how it became the way it was, what it needs, what its intentions are. A core ethos of the IFS model is that all parts have positive intentions.What does this part Fear? This question will surface the protective mechanism of the part. For example, suppressed rage may be through the fear of causing harm, or being rejected, if that emotion comes to the surface.3. Identify Managers and FirefightersThe next stage is to reflect on the way in which inner parts interact. What patterns do you detect? What managers or firefighters show up when you experience difficulty? This isn’t an easy task and takes a combination of patience and self-awareness to see how this inner complex system unfolds. Here are some questions to point you in the right direction:Where in my life do I attempt to control, or over-prepare? This can be obvious, such as planning all the different activities of a trip, or meticulously crafting your weekly schedule. Or it can be subtle, such as avoiding certain social scenarios to avoid triggering reactive qualities, such as fears of rejection or abandonment.What emotions do I struggle with the most? This can point you to the qualities of exiled parts, and their associated feelings. These emotions are also most likely to be linked to firefighting mechanisms.How do I escape from unpleasant feelings? It’s widely acceptable to escape unpleasant emotions, from anxiety to sadness, through different forms of escape. Can you detect patterns in your firefighting tendencies? What emotions do you avoid, and how do you avoid them?4. Give Space to Each PartBoldly claiming these steps will return you to a sense of wholeness, and “heal” you, would be misguided. This work takes a lot of time. The process of returning to wholeness, it could be argued, is lifelong. What’s most important is that you begin the journey of recovering exiled parts of the self — many different forms of therapy agree with the IFS model, in that sense.Can you view the exiled parts as deserving of compassion, or acceptance? Know that the parts of you that cause pain, or avoid difficult feelings, was an intelligent way of attempting to self-protect, they had their purpose. So give space to each part; you may practice a journal technique of writing from a specific part. Intuitively, you’ll know this, as you’ll be tempted to describe the situation as “a part of me wants…”RELATED: The True Meaning Of Maslow’s Hierarchy of NeedsAlways pull the thread when you feel this seeming inner fragmentation. It’s not a sign of madness, but, according to internal family systems, the true nature of mind. The more you can settle in the self, and become the conductor of your inner orchestra, the more harmony and peace of mind you’ll create, as well as unlock the energy it takes to keep parts exiled.5. Practice Forgiveness and Letting GoThe unburdening process isn’t just a mental practice, but a full-body experience, which is why internal family systems are intertwined with healing trauma. Be willing to let go of past experiences, which may require forgiveness, towards yourself, and others. Remember that letting go of protective mechanisms, be it managers or firefighters, won’t send you into a downward spiral, but will liberate you from maladaptive tendencies.This isn’t a one-off, but an ongoing process, as are all of the above steps. Internal family systems are a powerful tool for mental balance, emotional harmony, and self-discovery. It’s not a checklist but part of a toolkit of personal development. So keep these steps in mind. And if part of you feels skeptical, put that part aside, let the self take the lead, and see what you gain with a little experimentation, some faith, and a pragmatic approach to the multifaceted nature of mind.KEEP READING How to Achieve Self-Actualization: A Complete Guide

Wabi-Sabi: 6 Life-Changing Methods to Embrace Imperfection
Spiritual Health

Wabi-Sabi: 6 Life-Changing Methods to Embrace Imperfection

“Your issue is that you’re a perfectionist,” the astrologer said to me, “that you view life with expectations, in a way that can make you miss the perfection of each moment.” I smiled in the way you smile when you feel seen in an accurate yet uncomfortable way. The reflection came during an Aztec reading, a Christmas gift containing truth bombs everywhere. While perfectionism may support me in some ways, in others, it obstructs my view of beauty, and reasons to be grateful.RELATED: Perfectionism: How to Manage Unrealistic ExpectationsI’m aware of my craving for perfectionism. All of us have it, to some degree. I work with mine almost daily, noticing the times when my mental expectations cast a shadow over the reality directly in front of me. Overcoming these expectations is part of my spiritual practice, a way to accept life as is, not in a passive way, but in a skillful way, a way to respond to life with more wisdom.Recently, I came across wabi-sabi. It’s a philosophy that is ingrained in Japanese culture, has roots in Taoism and Zen Buddhism, inspires multiple art forms, and could be the perfect tonic to my craving for perfection. Wabi-sabi is the practice of embracing imperfection, a paradox leading to deeper levels of appreciation and fulfillment. Is this the gold ticket to a life of greater balance?What Does Wabi-Sabi Mean?Like many forms of spirituality or philosophy, especially those originating in other cultures, it’s almost impossible to capture the direct meaning of Wabi-Sabi. That’s okay, though, as this is more about a mindset, and an intuitive approach to life, than it is about trying to grasp it fully with the intellect. You’re unlikely to find two identical definitions for the two words involved, wabi and sabi, but they roughly translate as:Wabi: simple, humble, and natural living.Sabi: to grow old or wither.Combined, they capture the Buddhist essence of impermanence — nothing lasts forever. In the material world, everything is affected by the passage of time. But our craving for perfection, our sky-high expectations, create suffering, because they cast a veil over reality, causing us to miss the passing beauty of each moment. Simplicity, humility, and natural living are ways to connect to the sacred nature of reality, revealing hidden beauty.The Origin of Wabi-SabiSen no Rikyū was a 15th-century Japanese tea master, one of the wisest and most influential in Japanese history. Rikyū was credited with integrating wabi-sabi into tea ceremonies, departing from the previously extravagant approach to something more simple. Legend has it that, during his early years of training, Rikyū approached the master Takeno Joo to learn the way of tea. As a test, his master asked him to landscape his garden.RELATED: 5 Easy Ways to Create Good Feng Shui in Your HomeRikyū landscaped the garden to absolute perfection. However, just before presenting the garden to his master, he deliberately shook the cherry tree, so that the blossoms would fall everywhere, adding a touch of imperfection. In this moment, Takeeno Joo knew Rikyū grasped the concept of wabi-sabi, and would become a great teacher.As mentioned above, wabi-sabi has roots in Taoism and Zen Buddhism, which share the core teachings of acceptance of reality as is, in all its perceived imperfection. The mind, or ego, is the cause of suffering, by craving for things to be different. The Zen philosophy of mushin (no mind) describes the contentment and peace that comes from moving away from the mind, slowing down, and becoming present to the moment.Kintsugi and wabi-sabiThe ethos of wabi-sabi is beautifully captured in the practice of kintsugi, a physical expression of embracing imperfection. Kintsugi translates to golden joinery or golden repair, and is the art of repairing broken pottery by fusing it together with gold. Rather than the breaks being something to hide or discard, the random cracks and imperfections are embraced. The wabi-sabi aesthetic of broken parts are celebrated for giving the object character.The Psychology of Wabi-SabiSo-called beauty standards are applied to everything from the food stocked on supermarket shelves (engineered to look a certain way), to our physical appearance, signified by the rise of plastic surgery and a beauty industry worth billions upon billions of dollars. Any sign of imperfection is judged negatively. In many ways, modern culture is in denial of the natural state of impermanence.RELATED: Kaizen: How You Can Utilize The Japanese Philosophy of Continual ImprovementIn physical form, this is easier to detect. We might wish to hide wrinkles, have a body sculpted to fit the idealized images seen in magazines and social media, or manicure our meals to look Instagram-ready. But what about the psychology of wabi-sabi? How does this philosophy apply to the inner world?Three Categories of PerfectionismPerfectionism has been widely studied in the field of psychology, with strong correlations to a host of negative outcomes, from stress, depression, to low self-esteem. Psychologists Paul Hewitt and Gordon Flett identify three main categories of perfectionism:Socially prescribed perfectionism: the belief that other people expect you to be perfect.Other-oriented perfectionism: placing perfect standards on other people.Self-oriented perfectionism: expecting flawlessness from yourself.There is a paradox at the core of perfectionism — the more we strive to be perfect, the higher our expectations, and the less likely we are to achieve or experience what we crave. Perfectionism isn’t productive or skilful, but leads to a sense of suffocation or self-criticism. Although a philosophy stretching back hundreds of years, wabi-sabi is a useful solution to this modern issue.6 Ways to Incorporate Wabi-Sabi Into Your LifeSo how do you make wabi-sabi a way of life? Before we dive deeper into that, remember that wabi-sabi is a spiritual philosophy. It’s not a hack to find happiness, or another habit to track. It’s a mindset and way of life, a dedication to living aligned with certain values. And be warned: striving to always find joy and contentment in each moment is another form of perfectionism disguising itself! The below steps can modestly lead you along the path of wabi-sabi:1. Acknowledge Your Perfectionist TendenciesIn my Aztec reading, my guide was careful to point out that my perfectionist tendencies weren’t all bad — my attention to detail and desire to have everything in place works well in professional settings and structuring my life. Everything is a matter of balance, though, and when applied to my everyday life, perfectionism just isn’t an optimal approach. It’s what Buddhism identifies as dukkha, or suffering.The first step to incorporate wabi-sabi is to acknowledge the areas where you do crave perfection. What patterns do you notice? Feelings of disappointment or dissatisfaction could signal high expectations. If you often have mental images of how life “should be,” then it’s worth addressing this and setting the intention to change. This doesn’t mean sacrificing standards or ambition but finding a greater balance.2. Identify What Perfectionism Means To YouBy this, I mean on a deep psychological and emotional level. Before embracing wabi-sabi, the defense mechanisms and core beliefs that motivate your perfectionist behavior have to be deconstructed and understood. What beliefs do you have about perfectionism? Do you believe you won’t be loved or respected if you’re not perfect? Do you feel that life should always work out the way you’d like it to?Perfectionism can often be the mind’s tendency to avoid suffering of all kinds. For example, envisioning everything going completely to plan can create a sense of relief or control. But when things don’t go to plan, how do you respond? Maybe you use anxiety as a way to avoid feelings of anxiety or uncertainty. Know that this approach is futile, and, as taught in Buddhism, will only create additional, unnecessary suffering.3. Reflect On ImpermanenceIf you fully embrace wabi-sabi, the lessons will come to you. Part of the learning lies in the spiritual practice of embracing impermanence. Notice how everything is always changing, despite the mind’s tendency to crave fixed things. Another aspect of Buddhism known as aniccā, talks to this ever-changing quality of reality. Wanting things to remain the same, or denying this, is another cause of suffering. On the other hand, acceptance of impermanence leads to deeper peace and happiness.Another Buddhist principle of non-attachment is crucial. Attachment is sometimes referred to as grasping. You’ll likely intuitively understand the feeling when you try to hold onto, or grasp at, moments in life. Maybe your relationship is coming to an end, and you’re holding on through fear of the unknown. Maybe you are stuck in nostalgia, holding onto the past rather than looking to the future.The better you’re able to practice non-attachment, the more life will flow with ease. Beauty will be found in seeing how every moment is as delicate as a falling cherry blossom — and that’s what makes it valuable.4. Embrace Imperfection With ReframingSo much of happiness comes down to your approach to life’s events, and not the events themselves. The ability to embrace imperfection isn’t easy, as it requires a significant reframe. Rather than seeing unwanted or imperfect qualities as hurdles, what if you could see them as opportunities to grow? Adopting a growth mindset allows you to see what was previously imperfection to be opportunities.This is wide-reaching. For example, if you have a perfect idea of how to spend an evening with your partner, you might become overly sensitive to things not going well. But what if any hiccups or conflict were opportunities to reconcile, to get to know each other more deeply? If you have a perfectionist view of success, what if you focused more on who you were becoming in your journey?5. Seek to Live As Simply As PossiblePart of incorporating wabi-sabi is to embrace a more simple, natural-orientated life. Rather than always striving for the ideal, social-media-worthy lifestyle, what if you could focus on the basics? Cultivating a gratitude practice for life’s small joys, along with a deeper connection with nature, be it through forest bathing, running, walking barefoot, or just being aware of the abundant gifts Mother Earth provides all around.Every day we are force-fed images of the perfect lifestyle. What if wabi-sabi allowed you to rebel? We become so busy chasing and striving for an image of perfection that we miss what’s right in front of us. What would change if you fully embraced your life, exactly as it is? That doesn’t mean becoming passive towards things that have to change. Instead, it means taking a deep breath and letting go of resistance, in a way that allows you to gather your energy to direct it to what’s most important.6. Cultivate CompassionCompassion, another central teaching of Buddhism, is closely linked with wabi-sabi. It encourages us to embrace that everyone has flaws, and insecurities. It acknowledges that each of us suffer with life’s setbacks. It doesn’t seek to minimize or ridicule the very real pain that can come from disappointment or unexpected events. But it also offers a sense of support, a desire to extend beyond suffering, to meet everything with a full heart.What if all the heartbreak, setbacks, flaws, and idiosyncrasies were actually the gold that makes you stand out as an individual, gives you character? What if the moments life doesn’t go your way are actually leading you along the right path, one that isn’t quite yet in full view? What if feelings of love and joy and beauty are only so poignant because of the knowledge nothing lasts forever, so the only option is to cherish it, each day, as best you can?KEEP READING Ikigai: The Powerful Japanese Philosophy That Will Add Purpose To Your Life