The Only Reality Is Now: How I Stopped Worrying About the Future
I spent many years of my life trying to control different people and situations and worrying about the future. I came to realize I didn’t even know how to enjoy the small pleasures of life. Like many people, I was afraid to be happy since I could lose it one day, and I was constantly letting my worries ruin my joy.I wish I would be able to surrender life completely, but I am not there yet. However, I am aware that it’s an ongoing process, and that old thinking patterns are difficult to change in one day. Today I have stopped defining myself as a control freak. I accept there are things in life that I can’t control, no matter how hard I try. Spending my time worrying is very frustrating, and drains both my time and my energy.Here’s what I know to be true today and what helped me cope with worrying about the future. The Only Reality Is Now:Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift. That’s why it is called the present. - Alice Morse EarleThe only reality is nowI learned to live in the present moment, knowing that my past experiences are part of the story I am telling myself -- filtered through my own lenses, expectations, and system of belief -- while my future is an illusion created by my imagination, simply because it hasn’t happened yet.That is valid for all of us, including you. Your future starts now, and your only reality is the fact that, at this very moment, you are reading this post.Unease, anxiety, tension, stress, worry - all forms of fear - are caused by too much future, and not enough presence. Guilt, regret, resentment, grievances, sadness, bitterness, and all forms of non-forgiveness are caused by too much past, and not enough presence. - Eckhart TolleTime will tell“Time will tell.” This very simple sentence has made miracles in my life. It was transformational. I’ve learned it from a former colleague at work. He was from Thailand. Each time I feared to not fail with critical projects or deadlines, I used to hear him saying: “Sara, we are not there yet. Time will tell.” I cultivate optimism and trust the flow of life. I shift my focus from what could go wrong to what could go right. I embrace my future with the genuine curiosity of a child, and I choose to believe that something wonderful is waiting around the corner -- that we live in a supportive universe where everything unfolds perfectly, and things happen for my highest good.I might not always get what I want, but I know I always get what I need. I choose to believe we live in an intelligent universe, where everything unfolds perfectly. Sometimes in life, even the time needs time.Life is simple. Everything happens for you, not to you. Everything happens at exactly the right moment, neither too soon nor too late. You don’t have to like it… it’s just easier if you do. - Byron KatieMost fears are nothing but illusionsWhenever I feared I would fail with anything, I let my mind create a scenario. My fear is nothing but a product of my imagination, an illusion that doesn’t exist. What makes it unreal? It hasn’t happened yet!Due to The Work of Byron Katie, I now know how to question the validity of my thoughts. Here’s how it works:Say my fear is related to aging: “I’m worried I will get sick once I grow old.”That’s nothing but a thought, so I ask myself if getting sick once I get older is real. Is it? In fact, it is not. It’s nothing but a possibility, a “maybe.” As long I am not 100% convinced that it is true, it is not real.The process of aging is inevitable, but getting sick is not. The truth is I might get sick, in the same way I might keep myself healthy. It all depends on how I take care of myself: mind, body, and soul.I’ve had a lot of worries in my life, most of which never happened. - Mark TwainOur words have power“Be careful what you wish for, you might get it!” Does this sound familiar?The words we speak and the thoughts we think have tremendous power. They are vibrant forms of energy and can shape the reality of our future.What we fear, we attract. On an unconscious level, fear is a wish. When I say “I don’t want to get sick,” my real desire is to be healthy.When I say “I don’t want to be poor,” what I am wishing is to feel safe and financially abundant.I learned to get mindful of my self-talk and avoid using negations. Instead of expressing what I don’t want, I first get clear on what I want, then I say it out loud, or only think it.If I see life with negativity, fearing that bad things could happen to me, my actions will likely attract the very things I’m trying to avoid. I’ve stopped letting my mind play with me and stress me with unnecessary fears, worries, and concerns about things that haven’t happened yet. I nourish my mind with healthy thoughts, like this one:Life loves me. All is well in my world, and I am safe.- Louise HayAnd now, I would like to hear from you. How do you self-manage your worries about the future?
Listen and Learn: How to Stop Blaming and Start Building Bridges
One of the most common sources of conflict among people is in the way we communicate. Oftentimes, conflicts do not arise because of the diversity of opinions and beliefs. Diversity is necessary for thought exchange and ultimate growth. The true source of conflict, rather, is in the way we express our opinions and communicate disagreement. A blaming, sometimes even aggressive tone of voice can seep into our language, which invites confrontation instead of collaboration, and conveys a closed "my way or no way” kind of approach. Here are three useful instruments that helped me to refine my communication skills and build bridges of mutual understanding with others when conflicts arise. Listen and Learn: How to Stop Blaming and Start Building Bridges Raise your words, not your voice. It is rain that grows flowers, not thunder. - Rumi Be curious about others' intentions A major source of conflict comes from the fact that we tend to evaluate our own actions based on our intentions, yet judge others based on their actions, without knowing their intentions. For instance, when I fear I might have offended someone with my words, my immediate reaction would be to explain myself and make it clear my true intention was not to hurt anyone: ”I am sorry, I didn’t mean to sound like that. My point is that…” However, when I didn’t like what I heard in a sensitive conversation, I used to jump immediately into a defensive or even aggressive posture, without even trying to understand more about what others wanted to tell me. Blaming other people for the way I feel, act or think is disempowering. I can’t control what anyone says, but I am fully in charge of my emotions. No one can make me feel anything. No one can upset me, stress me or depress me unless I allow it. Whenever I find myself feeling frustrated or angry during difficult conversations, I have educated myself to take a long, deep breath. That helps me stay grounded and manage the way I feel. Secondly, I learned how to ask questions with the genuine curiosity of a child. I want to know more about the story behind the words: the circumstances, the impact on the people involved, their intentions, and so on. Here are some of my favorite questions that help me do that: How did this happen? Can you tell me more about it? What can we do to sort this out? People can only be responsible for what they say, not for what I understand. And no one is a mind reader. The power of "what" Let me ask you one and the same question, in two different ways. Say I’m disturbed by your words. I could choose to either reply by "Why are you saying that?” or I could ask, ”What makes you say that?” Can you feel the difference between the two questions? Don't you feel like the "Why" question sounds more accusatory than the other? The way we formulate our questions is essential. The day I learned how to ask questions using the word “what” instead of “why,” I could already feel a positive difference in the way I was building relationships in my personal life and career. When asked “why," people tend to feel blamed. As a consequence, they either shut up entirely or get into a defensive mode, trying to justify themselves. Meanwhile, the "what" questions invite towards an open discussion and transparent communication. They help bring more balance, harmony and peace during sensitive conversations. The importance of listening High-quality coaching is all about asking powerful, thought-provoking questions, but also a lot about listening. Before starting to work as a coach, I used to be very self-absorbed and eager to take the space in conversations. The truth is that I used to listen in order for me to reply, instead of being fully present for others with mind, body, and soul, so as to try to understand their perspectives and points of view. Sometimes, the only thing we have to do in a situation that might look like a conflict or disagreement is to hear what other people have to say with genuine care, curiosity, compassion, and attention. I came to understand that in a world where most people love to talk about themselves, being able to listen to another person is a form of love. And now, I would like to hear from you. What is your best way to handle difficult conversations?