5 Ways to Stop Self-Sabotaging Behavior Now so You Can Thrive
Sometimes we can be our own worst enemy. Our inner voice often tells us we’re not good enough and we believe it. But it’s time to turn your self-critical mindset to a more positive one. You are the master of your own perspective and self-sabotaging behavior is your biggest barrier to success.We’ve asked experts about how to see yourself in a better light, revel in your achievements, and ultimately realize you are entitled to be happy and successful. 1. Implement affirmations When you notice you’re engaging in a self-sabotaging thought or behavior, choose an opposite option. “This can be in the form of an affirmation like, 'I DO deserve a better job' or 'I AM going to be in a loving relationship,’” says life and relationship coach Catherine Tingey. These affirmations create new neural pathways in the brain and, with time and diligence, absolutely have the power to eliminate self-sabotage, she says.2. Shift your inner narrativeWhen you see your thought pattern digressing to a negative path, take control and shift your self-talk. “Start noticing when your mental monologue becomes angry, shaming, or hopeless and talk back to that voice the way you would an employee or even a child,” suggests Mike Ensley, a professional counselor. These responses could include "Stop" or "That attitude isn't helpful" or "You aren't allowed to speak to me that way.” It may feel silly at first, says Ensley, but if you stick to it you'll see the power of mastering your inner narrative.3. Work to change habits that are hurting youGet organized, implement a plan, and make schedules and budgets. “Whether you're trying to improve finances or relationships, or change some habits, what often trips people up is a lack of intentionality,” adds Ensley. “Intentionality is deciding beforehand how a resource (time, money, talent) is going to be spent. This applies to so much, from saving money to making sure your partner feels cared for.” You can leave room for spontaneity and choice, but failing to build intention leads to unfulfilled hopes, he says. 4. Make a decision to be your own authorityIn order to develop self-confidence and a greater sense of self-security, you have to be in control of your mindset, choices and life. “You have to be your own authority,” stresses David Neagle, an author and founder of coaching company Life is Now. “You know better than anyone else who you are and what you need. But until you recognize that truth, and step into your own authority, you will never lead yourself to a place of 100% self-confidence.” 5. Realize you are entitled to be happyYou may be hindering your success by not feeling you are entitled to it. “At the heart of self-sabotage is the belief that one is undeserving,” explains Tingey. “This feeling of undeserving usually has deep ties to one's family of origin or early life experiences.” Start believing you deserve to be happy and your path to awareness will become more attainable. There is nothing stopping you, but yourself!
Your Relationship is Strong Enough to Survive -- but You Need Space
Quality time together with your significant other is amazing, especially if you have similar interests. Spending leisurely Saturdays strolling in a park and then grabbing appetizers and drinks can be wonderful, but there can be a flip-side to all this togetherness. Feeling like you must do everything with your partner will only foster co-dependence and clinginess. This sort of dynamic will stifle growth in both partners, and could make either one feel like they are being suffocated by the relationship.Experts say that having your own life outside of your relationship also can enhance your bond with your partner. Pursuing your own interests, spending time solo, or hanging with your friends can create lasting benefits and will strengthen your relationship. Who wants to be co-dependent, when you can be an independent power couple?Here are 5 reasons space will help your relationship:1. It amps up the romance factorAs they say: "absence makes the heart go fonder." This phrase is very true, and space will give you a chance to do that. “A misconception about relationships is that when you are in one you need to be glued to one another which could not be further from the truth. If you’re always around each other, you don’t have a chance to both miss and appreciate each other,” says Sophia Reed PhD NCC, a certified counselor and author. “Often, having some space will bring both.”2. Stop codependence and clinginess A relationship is great, says Reed, but it is not your saving grace, and the moment it becomes that, you have a problem because you are dependent upon your partner. “If by chance the relationship does not work out the dependent person is at risk for depression or bad after-effects because they have made their partner their entire world,” she says. “Space helps each person stay grounded and less dependent on each other which is healthy.”3. Increased appreciation for your partnerSpace in a relationship can be very beneficial for couples who have gotten too close or too accustomed to really see what makes their partner special. “The reasoning behind this is that it gives each of you time to appreciate each other,” explains Laura F. Dabney, MD, a relationship psychotherapist. “If you have outside interests or time away from each other, it will also make you more aware of each other’s schedules and time.” It's a great chance to reconnect with what you loved about your partner in the first place. Dabney also says that time apart helps create balanced relationships. “Having time apart will really help each person keep their own sense of identity,” she adds.4. Get over the fear factor Even if space sounds scary, the concept will vary, and what “space” looks like will be different for each couple. “While it can be intimidating, having space can promote strength in a relationship,” says GinaMarie Guarino, a licensed mental health counselor. “Space promotes independence and autonomy, which minimizes the risk of codependence and other kinds of dependency issues. It can also help to prevent boredom in a relationship, as each partner looks forward to seeing each other and spending quality time together.” 5. Concentrate on making you betterSpace creates the opportunity to be your best self -- for both you and your partner. “Individuals who are whole and complete in themselves are better partners in a relationship because they realize and understand that they are personally responsible for their own happiness,” says relationship expert Tiffany Toombs. “And in taking time and space to do the things that make you personally happy, you can better contribute emotionally, energetically and spiritually to your partner’s life and to enhance their life.”
How to Give Advice Without Seeming Patronizing
It’s tempting to offer words of wisdom to those in your closest social circles, but it can be a delicate balance between giving advice and sounding like a “know-it-all.” Even if your advice is encouraged or welcomed, it still can be tricky to pick the right message without seeming patronizing. It’s even more complex to offer your advice if it’s not requested.We’ve asked communications pros and relationship experts to share strategies to get your advice across without the message coming across as demeaning. Here's how to give advice without being patronizing:1. Ask permission firstThe first is to respectfully ask the person if they want your advice. “This is an example of boundaries,” says Carrie Krawiec, a licensed marriage and family therapist at Birmingham Maple Clinic in Troy, MI. “Asking permission also gives the other person the power to accept or decline.” Furthermore, asking for permission conveys empathy and willingness to help, but also an awareness that your help may not be welcome and there is a dilemma in sharing. “Be aware of the others body cues like eye rolls, sighs or disinterest and stop when you can see it’s unwanted,” Krawiec adds. If you are told “no,” it’s best to respect that and not offer your advice.2. Make sure you’re giving advice for the right reasonsBefore diving in to help, it’s worth a pause to make sure your intentions are in sync. Are you giving advice to be supportive or is it a response to your own emotional reactivity? If you realize you truly want to help, then move forward with your thoughts. “I find once we feel our emotions the idea of giving advice transforms into offering unconditional guidance,” says Sherianna Boyle, author of Emotional Detox: 7 Steps to Releasing Reactivity & Energizing Joy and Emotional Detox for Anxiety.3. Be mindful of your toneIt’s not just what you say, it’s also how you say it. When you're giving advice to someone, tonality and body language are often just as important as the message being delivered. “You'll want to keep the tone light and have the conversation flow casually as any other one would, to keep the recipient from becoming defensive,” suggests Beverly Friedmann, content manager with ReviewingThis. “If your tone comes across as either pitying or judgmental, you'll likely come across as patronizing.”4. Drop the judgmentThe topic at hand can vary but when you give advice or help to someone, it's extremely important to remain free of any judgment, says Friedmann. While most of us don't think of ourselves as judgmental, we all hold certain biases (conscious or not) that may impact how your conversation goes. “If you give advice using judgmental phrases or tonality, your recipient will not only never get the message you may very likely come across as patronizing as well,” she adds.5. Avoid Psychoanalysis Try and keep the advice exchange on point. “Even if you have a background in psychology or are a licensed therapist, it's important to make a distinction between psychoanalysis and personal advice,” continues Friedmann. If you're offering guidance to a friend or family member, it's best to keep it light and try and avoid speaking to their "inner child" or about potential past traumas. Sticking to the topic at hand and your points without passing any judgment or attempting to analyze them will ensure you don't come across as being patronizing. “Therapy is best limited to the professionals in an in-office environment,” she adds.
How to Identify Your Relationship Blind Spots
If you feel like you’re stuck in cycle of being in the same type of relationship over and over, but with different people, you are likely to have some relationship blind spots. These repetitive patterns are sabotaging your ability to find happiness. “Most of us have these relationship blind spots, aspects of our personalities that are totally obvious to everyone but us,” explains Christine Scott-Hudson MA MFT ATR, licensed psychotherapist, licensed marriage and family therapist, and owner of Create Your Life Studio in Santa Barbara, Ca. Scott Hudson says denial is a popular defense mechanism because it is pretty effective. “We can actually ‘go blind’ to aspects of ourselves that are so unwelcome, so unwanted that to even try to integrate it with our view of ourselves would not be possible, and so we disown it and reject it, relegating it to the shadows.”The better we can identify the blind spots we have when it comes to relationships, the clearer our view of the future will be.Here are 4 ways to recognize your relationship blind spots:1. Understand how blind spots hurtBlind spots pop up any time we are not communicating our needs or we feel stuck in a relationship, says Patrick Davey Tully, MA, a psychotherapist in Los Angeles. “The ‘rut’ is often due to not knowing what we want and blaming the other person or ourselves for this uncertainty,” says Tully. By exploring these awkward miscommunications, the blind spots can be discovered and alleviated. “Any time you feel stuck in an argument or confused when talking with a partner, there's often going to be more to the picture than you initially thought,” he adds.2. Trust your intuition moreWhen things feel off, try to rally think about what your intuition is telling you and then try to be more objective. “Allow yourself [to] notice what does not feel right,” says Carla Marie Manly, PhD, a clinical psychologist and relationship expert. After assessing what your think can be improved, turn to your partner and explain. 3. Take an inventory of the challenging issues Make a list of what it is that you begin to notice— be as detailed as possible. As you write issues down, the situation often becomes clearer."For example, as a result of writing down your concerns for a few days, you might notice that your partner has a habit of breaking dates, being late, or not talking to you,” says Manly. “As a result of making notes about this, you might realize that you’re feeling disrespected, unseen, and angry.” After identifying what needs improvement, talk with your partner openly and honestly about what you’ve noticed. “Avoid blame and strive for a non-judgmental attitude that is focused on creating a better relationship,” continues Manly.4. Realize you may be the problemThe common denominator of struggling relationships could be you -- your actions or your fear. “As much as possible, turn this same lens on yourself—not with judgment, but with an eye toward noticing any habits you might have that are contributing to issues,” says Manly. Coming to grips with your role can help open your heart and mind to put you on a path toward a great relationship.
