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Chess Grandmaster Garry Kasparov: Let Your Intuition Guide You
Purpose

Chess Grandmaster Garry Kasparov: Let Your Intuition Guide You

Chess Grandmaster Garry Kasparov - Trust Your GutChess Art Grandmaster Garry Kasparov talks about trusting your own intuition and instincts in order to navigate life's vast ocean of possibilities.Transcript:"We should learn how to trust our gut; intuition. In most of the stories I looked at and in most of the quotes I collected, I didn't see people picking up intuition as a crucial element of the success. While in my profession in chess, intuition is virtually everything, because chess, some people don't recognize it, is a mathematically infinite game. The number of moves in the game of chess, all the moves, contains 120 zeros, which is more than [the] number of seconds since the moment Big Bang created the universe."How can you find your way in this ocean of possibilities? And of course how [can] a man fight a machine that could calculate tens and tens of millions of positions per second? Intuition, because it is all about [the] decision-making process. We never employ calculation as the main tool. It's one percent of calculation or less, and 99 percent of our understanding, of our ability to find intuitive ways to comparing compatible[s], material versus quality, time versus material; intuition pays a key role."We have to trust our intuition; our instinct. Because in life also, we have many opportunities where we cannot foresee all of the consequences. There is only one choice. To trust your gut."

The Basic Principles of Feng Shui: The Philosophy Much, Much Deeper Than Interior Design
Spiritual Health

The Basic Principles of Feng Shui: The Philosophy Much, Much Deeper Than Interior Design

I made a big decision yesterday — I moved my desk by 45 degrees. My visual field has changed. What was once a window, looking over a man-made valley between the residential buildings where I live, is now my living area. Rather than my back facing the rest of the room, it is now against a solid wall. Why all the excitement and change, you might ask? The simple answer is I felt something wasn’t quite right with the previous setup.RELATED: Wabi-Sabi: 6 Life-Changing Methods to Embrace ImperfectionThat subtle feeling is hard to describe. It’s intuitive. And yet, we are blessed to have access to ancient wisdom that puts words to these subtleties. One branch of such wisdom, feng shui, is the philosophy of energizing environments. Rather than purely aesthetic, this practice is based on the belief in subtle energies that have a significant impact on our psychology and well-being.What Is Feng Shui?Feng shui is a Chinese philosophy stretching all the way back to 4,000 BC. Although you may be familiar with the term due to its Western use, which focuses on the superficial elements of interior design, feng shui has sacred roots. It links to Eastern philosophies including Taoism, Buddhism, Confucianism, and more, and is deeply connected to the principle of Ch’i, the vital life force that permeates all things. Chinese scholar Yang Yun Song has been called the Father of Feng Shui, and is credited with writing one of the first books presenting its philosophy.Feng shui translates to “wind and water,” which gives some sense of its application. Legendary martial artist Bruce Lee famously said “be like water,” pointing to the nature of Ch’i, and how it aligns with the energetic flow of the universe. Ch’i is an energetic product of opposing forces of positive and negative energy, or yin and yang. Ch’i isn’t to be forced or controlled, but surrendered to, in order to flow with the natural order of things.Riding the wave of this energy flow, feng shui harmonizes people with their environments. Its early applications ranged from choosing land to settle and develop crops, to governmental buildings, sacred sites, and tombs. Anyone who has looked into ancient architecture will know how important the positioning and structure of physical buildings were. Like many ancient approaches, feng shui also considers astrology and the position of the stars.Feng Shui and Electromagnetic FieldsAlthough labeled as pseudo-scientific by certain, let’s say, more skeptical communities, the principles of feng shui have interesting parallels with modern understanding of the Earth’s magnetic fields. A study from 2019 discovered that some people sense changes in these fields, similar to many animals that rely on them to navigate — think salmon traveling 1,000s of miles through the sea, or birds migrating through the sky.Other studies led by HeartMath Institute have shown that people respond to coherence to the frequency of the Earth. When brainwaves and heart rate match that of the Earth’s natural frequency, people feel calmer, more compassionate, and more at ease. There’s also little doubt about the interconnection of nature, and how humans are intertwined with their environment. All of which to say, there’s a plausible amount of science to back up the wisdom of this ancient Chinese art.Applying Feng Shui to Your HomeKeep in mind this is largely an intuitive process. As you make changes, pay close attention to how you feel. Most of us have “a vibe” of a room, or felt comfortable or uncomfortable sitting in a specific place in a cafe or similar, without knowing why. Perhaps, like magnetic fields, we have an intuitive connection to the principles of feng shui.While it might not be possible to enter a trance-like state, tune into the Earth’s electromagnetic field, and position your furniture in a way that will astrologically transform your entire life, there are certain principles of feng shui that can be adopted at home.1. Consider the ElementsA cornerstone of the philosophy of feng shui is related to the five elements: fire, earth, metal, water, and wood. Nature is the product of construct flux and interaction between these elements. In feng shui, harmony in an environment requires a balance of these elements. As objects, elements represent rock or ceramics, candles or fireplaces, electronics or metal furniture, fountains or aquariums, or plants. Each element is represented by a color, too: red, yellow, white/beige/silver, dark blue or black, blue or green.An excess of certain elements can cause things to be out of balance. If that’s the case, other elements have to be introduced to neutralize the environment, depending on their relationship. Wood weakens water and strengthens fire. Fire weakens wood and strengthens Earth. Earth weakens fire and strengthens metal. Metal weakens Earth and strengthens water. Water weakens metal and strengthens wood.2. Respect the DoorwayDoorways are a big deal in feng shui. They’re viewed as portals of Ch’i, the thresholds between the individual building (or home, or office) and the outside world. Seen as an individual organism, this is the home’s defense against negative energy. Each separate room has a portal-within-a-portal, which has to be equally respected. With the main door of your home, make sure the hallway is free from clutter — set the intention to frame the entry point in a positive way. Clean, purposeful, tidy.Equally, make sure all doors can open freely. It’s tempting to place things behind doors, such as an umbrella stand in the hallway, or a piece of furniture in the living room. But for optimal energy flow, doors have to be free to open as wide as possible.3. Set Up the Commanding PositionLinked to the power of doorways, the commanding position is the optimal set-up for key items, including your bed, stove, and desk. Like my intuitive decision to move my desk, the feng shui principles suggest avoiding having your back to a doorway, at any given moment. Symbolically, this represents being ready for what life has ahead of you, and not being caught off-guard.The recommended commanding position is facing a door, but not directly in front of it; so perhaps diagonally or at an angle. For your desk, a bonus point is to have your back facing a solid wall, which represents being supported and strong in your career decisions.4. Declutter and Keep Things Tidy More common sense than anything, decluttering and tidying is key factor in creating a harmonious and productive environment. The principle of feng shui is that environments are “alive,” in some sense, and they are symbolic of our inner world. While you may not have full control over shared spaces, you are in command of your home. Clutter represents a busy mind. Old or broken objects represent holding onto things that no longer have value.In recent years, there’s been a rise in the use of minimalism. That doesn’t have to be the case with feng shui, but pay close attention to the objects in your home. If your environment was an extension of you, how could you best care for it? What does it represent currently, and what would you like it to represent? Some TLC in this direction can create a positive feedback loop.5. Invest in Plants Plants are the embodiment of the element of wood. In terms of feng shui, and the interconnection between people and their environment, it doesn’t get much stronger than plants that play a role in recycling the oxygen you breathe. Unsurprisingly, research has found a whole host of benefits of having plants on display, from reduced stress and improved focus.The same principle from above applies — make sure you care for them! Water them regularly, and trim them whenever they become overgrown (it is said that an overgrown branch becomes imbalanced in its yang energy, sucking up too much light and demanding extra nutrients to survive). If the unfortunate happens and plants start to die, it's time to get rid of them. In feng shui, dead plants are a big no in terms of negative energy.6. Consider Movement PatternsFeng shui is all about maximizing the power of the Earth’s life force, so energy can flow freely. This is symbolized in your home, or office, by how freely you can move through the environment. Pay attention to the layout of the furniture, and the regular ways you have to move. Are there obstacles? Do you have to awkwardly squeeze past tables or chairs as you walk to the kitchen or the bathroom? Being able to move easily requires a healthy dose of space, the overlooked element in many interiors. Space is the “glue” that invisibly connects all the items in your home or office. Use it wisely.7. Work With LightWhen it comes to energy, there’s no source more powerful and life-sustaining than the sun. A supportive and nourishing environment will make the best use of natural light during daytime, which means keeping windows unobstructed and clean, and positioning key areas with the dance of light in mind. Consider using mirrors to add the extra illusion of light and space in certain areas, if necessary.When it comes to artificial light, make sure your home or office is lit well. Be purposeful with your lighting — brighter light works better for productivity, whereas dull, warm light might be better for when you’re relaxing in the evening. Make sure to include the fire element and add a number of candles around your home, too.Piecing It Together There’s a lot of mystical wisdom to feng shui. If you feel the pull, feel free to immerse yourself in learning more about the flow of energy fields, and how to harness the power of working with the natural ebb and flow of nature. Feng shui is much more than home layouts, and its philosophy can be widely applied to many areas of life. If that’s too much to ask, though, at the very least it’s a philosophy that can inspire you to think differently about the relationship you have with your environment.Become more deliberate about the quality of your living or workspace. Keeping things clean and tidy, and positioning things in a way that feels intuitively “right,” can only have positive results. Don’t stress too much about doing everything perfectly, as there are often contradictions or impossibilities (for example, in my home, it’s impossible for my bed to face the door), but do your best to sprinkle a little magic. Who knows, maybe it’s the small adjustment that can take your life to the next level.KEEP READING Kaizen: How You Can Utilize The Japanese Philosophy of Continual Improvement

Do You Lack Desire For Romance? Maybe You’re An Aromantic Person
Relationships

Do You Lack Desire For Romance? Maybe You’re An Aromantic Person

A conceptual revolution has taken over relationships and sexuality recently, as different needs, desires, and tendencies are identified and understood. Increasing numbers of people are awakening to their authentic way of relating, and language and terminology are catching up. This is a conceptual revolution as these diverse behaviors are part of the natural human spectrum, and have been overridden by the predominant worldview of Western society, known as amatonormativity.RELATED: Breaking Down the 4 Types of Polyamorous Relationships (And Their Complications)There’s necessary unlearning when it comes to the narrow definition of gender, sexuality, and types of love. As we undergo a process of creating more expansive maps, labels become both validating and reassuring, not only showing you’re not alone, but that your experience is normal, healthy, and experienced by others. Without that, it’s easy to compare yourself to societal expectations and invalidate your personal experience.With that in mind, let’s explore one of the lesser-known definitions in this new relational landscape — aromanticism. If you’ve often questioned the conventional approach to romance, and if friendships are much more appealing than sexual relationships, this may describe you.What Does It Mean to Be an Aromantic Person?An aromantic person doesn’t experience romantic attraction. Of course, the experience of this is much more nuanced and unique than one statement, and the term can apply to a broad range of people, existing somewhere on the aromantic spectrum. The term itself was likely introduced in the early 2000s, linked to a survey about asexuality, as the two identities are related, but not the same.In detailing the history of aromanticism, AUREA (Aromantic-Spectrum Union for Recognition, Education, and Advocacy) points to fascinating early examples that could have described aromanticism. In detailing the difference between love and limerance, psychologist Dorothy Tennov noted that some people seemed to be non-limerent, in other words, not prone to falling in love or experiencing infatuation with others.In the 1200s, the Medieval French communities (beguinages) were formed for women who wanted to live solo lives. Later, around the 17th century, The Golden Orchid Society of China, which ran for 300 years, was established for women who refused to adhere to society's expectations of marriage and family life. There are many more examples of aromantic people in history, again pointing to the fact that, what seems like a “new” label, is a natural and long-established tendency.The Difference Between Aromantic and AsexualAromanticism is distinct from asexuality. Someone who is aromantic may enjoy sexual relationships. Someone who is asexual may experience romantic attraction. Someone who is aromantic could be asexual, too, just in the way they could be straight, bisexual, pansexual, or any other sexuality on the spectrum. The world of attraction, sexuality, and desires is complex and depends on each individual. Accordingly, only the person themselves can identify where they are on that particular map, and the boundaries may not be so clearly defined.Characteristics of AromanticismTo better understand aromanticism within this field of complexity, it pays to take a closer look at what is known as asexual spectrum identities. Aromanticism isn’t as straightforward as not enjoying romance but encompasses a much wider, and more varied, set of likes and dislikes. Within the spectrum there are additional identities:Gray-romantic or gray-sexual: landing in the middle of both, these people may experience sexual desire or romantic impulses only under certain conditions.Demisexual and demiromantic: people who only experience sexual desire or romantic desire once a strong emotional bond is formed.Lithromantic: someone who is only romantically interested when there is no reciprocated interest. If the interest is returned, attraction fades.Recipromantic: someone who only experiences romantic desire when they know if it is felt by the other person.The next question is to consider what behaviors qualify as romantic. The notion of romance has been largely instilled into the collective mind by the arts, in particular storytelling machines such as the film industry or the music industry. Within these cultural definitions are healthy and unhealthy behaviors. For example, things like possessiveness and codependency are often conflated with romance.When it comes to actual behaviors, romance includes a mixture of different forms of intimacy, from cuddling, holding hands, sharing poetry or art, and making romantic gestures, such as cooking a candlelit meal. An aromantic may enjoy any of these behaviors. Their lack of romantic attraction is broad; aromantics don’t develop crushes or fall in love in the same way, as they don’t experience the foundation of strong romantic attraction.It’s worth noting that aromantics can still develop strong emotional connections with others, in what is known as platonic love (love without sexual desire or romantic attraction). They can still enjoy intimacy and different forms of connection. The asexual and aromantic community have a term — squish — to describe a type of “platonic crush” which comes with the desire to spend time with, and to get to know, someone in a platonic setting.How Aromanticism Affects RelationshipsIn addition to the inner validation that comes from understanding different identities and styles of love and connection, wider awareness can help create understanding in others. Aromanticism comes with challenges in relationships, for good reason. As previously noted, the standards and conventions of Western culture, amatonormativity, create expectations around relationships — including monogamy, marriage, children, and settling down with one person.RELATED: Open Relationship: What Does it Mean & What Are the Rules?Although times are changing, anything that deviates from this runs the risk of being misunderstood. This applies to all identities, as much as it does aromantics. By not feeling romantic attraction, it may be difficult to develop deep connections or to find a healthy balance when it comes to sexual relationships, especially if partners question why the lack of romantic desire is there.Aromantic people still desire intimacy and connection. Finding others who understand their particular form of intimacy is crucial, otherwise, the feelings may not be reciprocated. Some aromantic people will develop what is known as queerplatonic relationships. This is the term given to platonic relationships that go beyond the standard definition of friendship. They involve deeper levels of intimacy, and can even include living together or co-parenting.Aromanticism and LoveBecause romance is so closely intertwined with definitions of love, there’s a common misconception that aromantics aren’t loving, which isn’t the case. In an interview on AUREA, aromantic Tate Lin describes the biggest misconception from their experience:“It's the idea that aros cannot love, that we are robots, that we are lesser for only having platonic and familial love, and that we cannot have a fulfilling life without romantic love.I held a secret skepticism that it was possible to lead a full and happy life as an aromantic. To me, it couldn't be possible — not without romantic love at least. It's actually kind of scary to think about, huh? Romantic love is so entrenched in society that it took me two years to navigate myself around it.”Fortunately, as the map expands, so does our understanding of the borderless nature of love and relationships. Perhaps one day all terms, from aromantic to asexual and beyond, won’t be required, as people will be approached and understood for their uniqueness. Until then, these terms will continue to empower. And if that allows people to feel seen, valued, and develop relationships in their own way, that alone is a huge result.KEEP READING Demisexuality: When Emotional Bonds Are Essential For Sexual Attraction

Tim Robbins: 4 Ways To Apply The Actor’s Empowered Mindset
Mindset

Tim Robbins: 4 Ways To Apply The Actor’s Empowered Mindset

Tim Robbins is best known for featuring in one of the most inspirational films in Hollywood history — The Shawshank Redemption. In the 1994 epic, Robbins stars alongside Morgan Freeman as Andy Dufresne, a man who vehemently claims his innocence having been convicted of murdering his wife and her lover. The bond between Andy and "Red" (Freeman) spans decades of time in prison, with a powerful message of hope and resilience.RELATED: What Is Method Acting, Which Actors Use It and Is It… Dangerous?Robbins has had an esteemed acting career, including an Oscar, and time spent behind the camera directing films such as Dead Man Walking, for which he received an Academy Award nomination. He’s also the founder of an experimental theater group, The Actors’ Gang, which he started in 1981. All of which is to say, Tim Robbins understands the industry. And, not only that, he’s someone at the top of his game. There’s a lot to learn from Robbins’s mindset and approach, but one of his mantras stands out more than most.Robbins: Never Blame the AudienceRobbins is known for considering the diversity of audiences and leaving any differences outside of the theater. That’s not always an easy choice to honor. In a Substack interview with Matt Taibbi, he expressed concern at how covid-measures impacted the arts, in particular vaccine mandates for audiences. “At the door, you don’t say you can’t come in, because you haven’t done this or that,” he said. “I had a problem with that. So I waited until everyone could be allowed in the theater.” Robbins’ approach has integrated into his acting mindset — never blame the audience. It’s an unwritten rule he follows, regardless of how well, or how poorly, a performance goes. In an interview with Traveling Boy, the actor expanded upon this ethos when asked about the validity of actors blaming the audience:“Never assume anyone in the audience had enough money to buy this ticket and assume because of that, they walked five miles to get here because they couldn't afford a bus. That's the respect you owe an audience. You never want to hear that an audience sucked. No. You sucked. You didn't meet them. You didn't find a way to tell them a story. Because of our discipline and approach, which is how do we make this immediate and great right now for these people, we rarely have an off night.”Tim RobbinsThe feedback loop of an audience is amplified in theater. Compared to a movie, where actors may spend months in a studio setting, surrounded by the crew, with occasional screenings shown to other people, actors in a theater have nowhere to hide. They breathe the same oxygen as the audience. Although respect works both ways, Robbins leads the way. And there’s a lot to learn from this simple, but profound, approach.Applying Tim Robbins’s Mindset“I learned much more about acting from philosophy courses, psychology courses, history and anthropology than I ever learned in acting class.”Tim RobbinsThe above quote by Robbins points to the actor’s wisdom. His mantra, never blame the audience, can be interpreted in a number of ways. Above all else, it’s about personal responsibility, discipline, and a growth mindset. Blaming the audience is a metaphor that extends far beyond theater. The act of blaming the audience avoids looking at the actor’s own experience, or finding creative ways to improve, and instead projects fault onto a faceless crowd. Clearly, studying psychology and philosophy has paid off. Robbins' approach has the hallmarks of stoicism, in particular Marcus Aurelius’ quote: “You have power over your mind — not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength.” In the theater of life, blaming the audience creates no room to learn from the audience. What didn’t work, and what could be done better next time? With the metaphor in mind, let’s look at 5 ways to apply the mindset to your life.1. Know That Blame Has Limited ValueWhat areas of life are you tempted to blame others, or life itself, for things not going your way? It’s normal to fall into blame from time to time. We might blame our partner for our emotional ups and downs. The tax man for our poor financial situation. Or our broken alarm clock for waking up late. Anytime you fall into blame, you stop taking responsibility, and enter into a space of learned helplessness.Blame has limited value. Instead, try to adopt an approach that always considers your role. You can start with small steps. What actions can you take, today, to make progress in any given situation? You’re much more creative than you’d imagine, and solutions will present themselves. For example, in a relationship, you might see the ways you lose your cool easily, and commit to improving your emotional regulation.2. Always Ask: How Can I Do Better?Despite Robbins’ career success, notice that he doesn’t assume the audience doesn’t get it. He’d be forgiven for taking such an egoic stance, considering his knowledge of the field. But instead, Robbins always makes the assumption there’s something he can do better, that it’s not the audience’s misunderstanding. He gives them the benefit of the doubt and doesn't make assumptions. The beauty of this approach is that it applies to all life areas.Let’s say, for example, you’re trying to make a career out of writing. You feel compelled to write, and show up every day to put words on the page. But every time you publish… tumbleweed. One option would be to fall into bitterness and moan about how people don’t get your work. The other would be to show up every day, keen to look at ways to improve. Can you improve your delivery, your headlines? Can you simplify or make your topics more relatable? There’s always scope to improve.3. Don’t Take Things PersonallyWhat I love about Robbins’ approach is that, even when not blaming the audience, he’s not sulking. He’s not personifying their lack of connection, taking it personally, and blaming himself instead. He’s viewing the situation objectively and analyzing it with logic. Granted, in life, it’s difficult not to take certain things personally; rejection hurts, as does not being noticed, or having something you care for overlooked. But do your best to train your mind not to take it personally.Notice that Robbins uses the example of someone not having money to pay for a bus ticket? Always give people the benefit of the doubt, extend them compassion, and don't assume or jump to quick conclusions.Not getting a response you’d like doesn’t mean you’re a failure, or not good enough. It just means something wasn’t quite right, but you have the chance to go again, to experiment, to try something new. Remain as self-compassionate as understanding when going through apparent setbacks and failure — it’s all part of the journey to success.4. Be ResilientWhat’s more important than individual outcomes, the metaphorical audience on any given night is the resilience you develop by showing up, day after day. That’s how character is developed. By continuing to show up, you’re demonstrating belief in what it is you’re here to do, even when you’re not received as warmly as you’d like. You're showing grit and determination, all the traits that lead to success. By not blaming the audience, you’re developing the value of humility, something that will be essential when things eventually do take off. This point is particularly relevant to the film that put Robbins on the map, The Shawshank Redemption.Finding Inspiration in Robbins’ MantraAt the risk of a spoiler (you’ve had long enough to watch by now), Andy is the embodiment of resilience. Day after day, as lights go out, he chisels away at the prison wall with a tiny rock hammer. Each small piece of stone chiseled away builds up. He keeps going, year after year after year until he’s chiseled a hole big enough to escape through.Using Andy as an example, think how easy it would have been for him to enter a space of blaming the audience; the courts, the injustice, the prisoners causing him harm, and the people ignoring his pleas of innocence. But he had no choice but to keep going, to believe, to find the energy to chisel away, to never lose hope.There’s a lot of wisdom packed into Robbins’ modest approach. Blaming the audience is the easy way out. By taking responsibility, you’ll be able to adapt a resilient approach to life’s ups and downs, build character along the way, and always strive to do better. You’ll have off days, for sure. But over the long run, you’ll move forward, one step (or stone) at a time.KEEP READING Achieving Resilience: The Importance of Bouncing Back

6 Actors Who Captured Transformative Leadership On the Big Screen (And What You Can Learn From Them)
Mindset

6 Actors Who Captured Transformative Leadership On the Big Screen (And What You Can Learn From Them)

Humanity’s progress depends on remarkable people who step forward to inspire and guide others. Modern culture reflects this need with the worship of the entrepreneur, with the likes of Steve Jobs and Elon Musk as modern-day symbols of innovation and leadership. Effective leadership wins the hearts and minds of the masses; but what makes a remarkable leader?RELATED: 60 Marcus Aurelius Quotes About Life, Death and LeadershipThere is an element of mystery, a charm or charisma that seems to be god-given, rather than developed. However, research has identified key qualities of transformational leadership, bringing these qualities to light. Let’s look at the secrets of transformative leadership, backed up by Hollywood’s most impressive examples, to give you a clear idea of what it takes — along with quality movie recommendations.What Is Transformative Leadership?What comes to mind when you think of a leader? Most of us have an idealized image of leadership. Sure, there are negative examples, such as a tyrant ruling over others with fear and intimidation, or an authoritarian who demands other people do as they say. But most of us can identify leaders who embody something special — the ability to transform others, not through fear, but through inspiration.Transformative Leadership TheoryJames MacGregor Burns, a historian and political scientist who extensively studied presidents, coined the term transformative leadership in the 1970s. His work has been studied and built upon since then. In 1991, scholars Bernard Bass and Bruce Avolio introduced three distinct categories of leadership styles:Laissez-faire: a French term that translates to “let them do (what they want),” a passive style of leadership that puts the responsibility of decision-making on employees. These leaders are absent and shirk at making decisions and leading by example.Transactional: this is a standard form of leadership, which doesn’t have big goals or desire to make positive change, but keeps things ticking over. These leaders will organize teams based on reward and punishment and monitor only to find fault. Think of a sales manager who is uninspired by their work, and encourages the team to perform and hit targets with the promise of bonuses.Transformative: these leaders go above and beyond. They’re not around to keep the status quo, but to completely rethink the organization’s (or culture’s) way of operating. A significant element of this type of leadership is the ability to connect vision and values, getting people to “buy in” to the cultural shift. These leaders focus less on short-term transactions, and more on the bigger picture.Leadership styles apply to any scenario where leadership occurs. The most obvious is in an organization; think of the CEO or manager position. But leadership occurs in families, sports teams, communities, and cultural movements. The likes of Martin Luther King or Gandhi may come to mind. Many transformative leaders don’t have high profiles, but the chances are, their followers will detect something remarkable. The Four Dimensions of Transformational LeadershipWhat makes that something remarkable? Exceptional communication skills are, of course, essential, along with self-awareness and a solid grasp of human psychology. You could argue that the right timing for a message to be received, and the relevance of the leader’s vision, all contribute. In addition, Bass and Avoilio identified the four dimensions of transformational leadership:Individualized consideration: these leaders don’t expect everyone to have the same needs, but they’re able to adapt and inspire a diverse cross-section of people. Not everyone will be inspired or motivated by the same approach, but these managers will find a way for each individual.Inspirational motivation: in order to go above and beyond, these leaders know how to connect to an inspired vision, how to communicate that, and how to identify ways to move towards the vision. Not relying on punishment and reward, they stir the hearts and minds, encouraging others to become part of the shared vision and values. Idealized influence: these leaders are ethical and model, and lead by example. They don’t shy away from difficult decisions but demonstrate integrity, thoughtfulness, and care, whilst always inspiring their teams to do better.Intellectual stimulation: these leaders encourage people’s input and foster creativity. They’re aware of their own biases and aren’t afraid to welcome other perspectives. Rather than believing their way is the right way, they’ll always assess and update, and that includes challenging the mental models and conventional ways of thinking.Examples of Transformative Leadership in FilmSome individuals command the attention of thousands, or millions, of followers; these people inspire others to become better, to exceed their own expectations. Others fight for a cause in acts of courage and resilience that go unnoticed by the masses. No matter their origin, Hollywood has captured many of these stories on the big screen. Below isn't a definitive list, but a collection of the many faces of transformative leadership.1. Samuel L. Jackson in Coach CarterSport is a powerful vessel for transformative leadership to shine. That was Ken Carter’s initial focus (Jackson) when he returned to his old school, Richmond High, to coach their basketball team. Based on a true story, Carter made waves for suspending his top performers for poor academic grades. This wasn’t only about basketball, but wanting the best out of his underprivileged group, where many end up in prison. Carter’s passion and inspiration were aimed off-the-court, as well as on it.RELATED: 128 Leadership Quotes to Inspire You to Become a Better LeaderThe movie captures how Carter instills a sense of respect, determination, and confidence — a form of idealized influence. He stands up for his belief in improving the players’ grades, despite huge amounts of pressure. “I took this job because I wanted to effect change in a special group of young men,” he says, “and this is the only way I know how to do that.” Eventually, the players get on board. A number get scholarships to attend college.2. Daniel Radcliffe in Harry PotterAlthough not an obvious choice, Harry Potter (Radcliffe) is a transformative leader in his own magical sense. Fighting for the forces of good over evil, Potter continues to develop and grow as he moves through education at Hogwarts, mentored by Albus Dumbledore. Eventually, he goes on to mentor others, particularly when the school’s pupils are told they are not able to train in practical defense against dark arts. In response, Harry forms a secret group, Dumbledore’s Army.During secret training, Potter encourages the team of students to go beyond what they thought was possible, through inspirational motivation. “Every great wizard in history started out as nothing more than what we are now — students,” he tells them. He meets every individual’s needs, particularly Neville, who looks like he’ll never make the grade but is supported by Harry until he eventually learns the spell he’s been trying hard to master.3. Helen Mirren in Calendar GirlsWhat do a group of middle-aged women from Yorkshire have to do with transformative leadership? Another film based on true events, Calendar Girls tells the story of a group of women who pose for a naked calendar, with the noble aim of raising money for a cancer charity. However, against all expectations, they start to receive more and more attention, before their story reaches the heights of global fame, including an interview on The Tonight Show.Their exposure isn’t through pure luck, though. Leader of the group Chris (Mirren) is shown navigating all sorts of hurdles along the way, not least her impassioned speech to get the calendar’s official status. What’s most impressive is how Chris leads by example in navigating the unexpected leadership status. She wears her heart on her sleeve, inspiring with passion and authenticity, as well as a never-say-die attitude. 4. Hilary Swank in Freedom WritersAnother true-story set in a high school setting, Freedom Writers shows the naive but well-intentioned efforts of new teacher Erin Gruwell (Swank). Joining a school in LA that was heavily divided by racial segregation following riots a few years prior, Gruwell seems to be on a lost cause. The students have no desire to learn and have to some degree already become resigned to their fate. But the teacher has a different idea.Working tirelessly to find different ways to motivate the group, she begins by attempting to show them what they have in common, not what separates them. Gruwell works extra jobs in order to fund the school’s purchase of books, and, after reading The Diary of Anne Frank, arranges a school visit from Miep Gies, the Austrian secretary who protected Frank. In the end, her enthusiasm and belief in her students changes their belief of what's possible.5. Brad Pitt in MoneyballAnother story of sport leadership based on true events, Moneyball depicts a different style of transformative leadership. Rather than lead the line with passion and charisma, in the way Coach Carter did, Billy Beane (Pitt) takes an unconventional approach in piecing together Oakland Athletic’s baseball team in the 2002 season. Faced with financial constraints, he works with Yale economics graduate, Peter Brand, who has a radical way of scouting players, by relying on cold, hard data.Faced with a lack of belief and even ridicule by those around him, Beane sees the potential in Brand’s "sabermetric model" and assembles a team that, on paper, appears to be low in quality. To make things more difficult, initially the team struggles, and Beane fires his head scout who opposes the idea. Eventually, the pair’s approach leads to success and is now fully integrated into the sport.6. Chadwick Boseman in Black PantherWould any current movie list be complete without a superhero element? The multi-billion-dollar frenzy of superhero movies in recent decades points to the popularity of comic book adaptations. There are a number of reasons why. Larger-than-life portrayals of invincible heroes are pure escapism, a way to be entertained and stimulated by the big screen. But there’s more to it; superheroes amplify the qualities of transformational leadership, particularly idealized influence.Although there are plenty of options to choose from, Black Panther stands out as a deeper exploration of what it means to lead. And not just any type of leading, either — what it takes to be a King. The late and great Chadwick Boseman excels as T’Challa, showing the often painful process of trying to lead with integrity and honor, whilst always holding the bigger picture in view, and pre-empting the repercussions of decisions, knowing when to fight or negotiate, and how to respond in high-pressure situations.In one powerful scene, T’Challa’s father, T’Chaka, tells him: “You are a good man with a good heart. And it's hard for a good man to be a king.” Those words ring true; similar to Ken Carter, T’Chaka knows that true leadership will involve making decisions that might upset others, but honoring values is more important than being liked, even if that weighs heavy on the heart.KEEP READING Leadership Styles: What Best Suits Your Psychology?

Weaponized Incompetence: How to Respond to the Subtle Manipulation Tactic
Relationships

Weaponized Incompetence: How to Respond to the Subtle Manipulation Tactic

My dad once taught me a trick he’d learned while working in construction as a scaffolder. New team members would be on tea duty, requiring them to make up to 20 cups, a number of times every day. The men my dad worked with were no-nonsense, and if they didn’t like the tea, if it were a little too milky, or a little too strong, they’d spit it out and ask for another, meaning double the work. However, if you were really good at making tea, you’d be stuck doing it forever.RELATED: 5 Signs You’re in a Toxic Relationship, and What Steps To Take NextSo my dad decided to experiment. He started making tea that was poorly made, overly milky, too strong. Sure enough, his teammates would spit out the tea, and ask him to do another. But after the second round of poor tea-making, they gave up. “Steve,” they said, “that’s it, don’t even bother.”My younger self appreciated this school of life wisdom. What my dad was demonstrating was what could be termed weaponized incompetence, the act of deliberately performing a task poorly to avoid doing it. What my dad was doing was lighthearted and something he later told his friends, to their laughter. However, in different areas of life, weaponized incompetence can take on a darker edge. Learn all about this subtle form of trickery, and how to handle it.What Is Weaponized Incompetence?The origin of weaponized incompetence is likely a 2008 Wall Street Journal article, The Art of Showing Pure Incompetence At an Unwanted Task, which coined the term strategic incompetence. That article focused on deliberate incompetence in the workplace setting. However, in recent years, weaponized incompetence has found viral fame on social media platforms, like TikTok, linked to romantic relationships and toxic masculinity.In this context, weaponized incompetence is a way for someone to avoid unwanted tasks, such as household chores, by placing the emotional labor onto their partner. Emotional labor is another hot-button topic, which describes invisible tasks that are undertaken, mostly by women, in order to appease or keep functionality flowing in work or in personal relationships. In Fair Play, which tackles gender inequality, Eve Rodksy captures this imbalance when she writes:“Seventy-eight percent of moms say they are so busy maintaining family stability by being constantly available, mentally and physically, to deal with every detail of home life that they aren’t taking care of themselves.”Is Weaponized Incompetence Abuse?Weaponized incompetence has been linked to emotional abuse, gaslighting, and other forms of manipulation. It’s worth noting that often these types of behavior are subconscious, and not done deliberately; someone may have learned the behavior from their parents (don’t ask me to make you a cup of tea!), or have developed the habit of avoidance without being clear about why that is. In that sense, performing tasks poorly could be learned helplessness.However, there is a risk of weaponized incompetence entering abusive territory. If someone deliberately performs a task poorly, and denies it or shifts blame on the other person when this is called out, it could be gaslighting. Equally, if someone resorts to flattery (“you’re so much more skilled than I am”), or overemphasizes their inadequacy (“this will take me a while” or “I struggle with this more than you,”) it could be manipulation through guilt-tripping.Either way, any way of avoiding responsibility, without creating an even give and take or meeting personal obligations, is a red flag that deserves deeper exploration. Where Does Weaponized Incompetence Happen?Weaponized incompetence occurs in lots of relationship dynamics — between romantic partners, in workplace settings, between parents and children, siblings, or friends. It can even find its way into therapeutic relationships, such as with coaches or therapists who have clients who don’t maintain accountability or demonstrate inner resourcefulness. It may occur as a one-off or indicate a deeper, habitual form of behavior.Examples of Weaponised IncompetenceWeaponized incompetence comes in many forms. People may outright refuse to perform a task, make a lot of noise and drama about performing a task, perform a task poorly (such as going grocery shopping and “forgetting” key items), or emphasize how much better the task would be performed by someone else. Examples include:In relationships: I’m drinking coffee as I write. My partner made my coffee. The coffee is delicious. However, at her apartment, her coffee machine is complicated; it takes a while to grind the beans, foam the milk, and operate it in the right way. It takes a solid 20 minutes. I also have an espresso machine at home, and have learned how to use it. Not learning, being dramatic if ever I have to make it, and encouraging my partner to make it, instead, would enter the realm of weaponized incompetence.In work: projects that require teamwork run the risk of weaponized incompetence. For example, if there are menial tasks, such as updating spreadsheets, and someone takes too long and disrupts the workflow for others, a colleague may jump in, and choose to do it instead.In shared living: having housemates requires a delegation of tasks, such as cleaning. If someone is generally slow to clean up, and when they do, don’t clean properly, or rush the job, it may encourage other housemates to do it instead, or end up doing the job a second time.How to Deal With Weaponised IncompetenceStart by exploring whether you are on the receiving end of weaponized incompetence, or enacting it yourself. It’s entirely possible that you engage in behaviors that cover the definition, from time to time. When I discovered the term, I reflected uncomfortably on times when I’ve avoided tasks in a way that was manipulative, even if that was subtle and not deliberate. All of us are capable of slipping into this territory.RELATED: Are You Being Emotionally Abused? Here Are The Signs To Look Out ForWhen it comes to your own behavior, reflect on how you perform certain tasks, with self-honesty. Do you ever avoid making an additional effort, knowing someone else will step in? Are there things you could learn to make it easier for others, or areas you could improve your efficiency?When considering other people’s behavior, the first step is to consider how frequent and obvious weaponized incompetence is. It’s tempting to jump to conclusions and assume emotional abuse, but remember, for a lot of people, the behavior is unconscious. With that in mind, some steps to follow are:1. Consider Why the Behavior Is UpsettingWhen you first become aware of types of unhealthy behavior, the first response of anger is understandable. We’re all becoming more switched on to the nuances of communication, and unhealthy dynamics. What was normalized and unseen years ago now has a label and a stream of blogs about it online. Without attempting to classify all types of behavior, consider why this specific behavior, in your specific context, is upsetting.For example, let’s say your partner regularly forgets items on the grocery list. There are a number of reasons this might be frustrating — it might indicate negligence on their side, or it may leave you the person responsible for sorting the situation. You may frequently do the shopping, and only occasionally rely on them to help out.Below the surface, you may feel unseen, undervalued, or all sorts of heartfelt and genuine emotions. This is the core of the upset; tap into it, because it's the deeper truth of why these behaviors are unhealthy in any relationship.2. CommunicateDo your best to address weaponized incompetence with integrity. Being angry or upset in a moment is fine. But set the environment for a conversation where you can enquire, without making assumptions. Ask questions. Get curious. Share your pain points. Avoid using the term itself. For example, you might say, “I struggle that when you do the shopping, you often forget groceries. Please can you be more careful?”Ideally, the other person will respond positively, explaining their reasoning. It could be that they’re oblivious to the knock-on effect of forgetting a thing or two, and simply being aware may change the behavior. It’s a red flag if the person is overly defensive or dismisses what is communicated.3. Set BoundariesOnce you’ve communicated what behaviors aren’t desirable, and why, the next step is to set boundaries. They’re a way of essentially saying what you do or don’t tolerate, and what you’ll do in response. Boundaries can be hard, soft, or somewhere in between. For example, you may say that grocery shopping is split 50/50, and if essential items are forgotten, it’s that person’s responsibility to go back and get them.4. Consider Negotiable and Non-Negotiable CompetenciesEach person in any relationship has to be able to ask for what they need, related to competency. It’s okay for competency levels to be unequal in different areas, as long as it roughly balances out. In a romantic relationship, someone might be better with DIY, someone might be better at cooking, and that’s healthy. The issue is when one person feels neglected or unsupported due to the other person’s incompetency. Knowing where those areas are is key.5. Decide What to Do if Things Don’t ChangeIf you give someone the benefit of the doubt, an opportunity to communicate, and chance to adjust their behavior, there’s not much else you can do. How that person responds will be a big indication of their original motivation for committing weaponized incompetence. It could even be that you decide it is better to find other solutions; if your partner is awful at cleaning, maybe they offer to hire a cleaner, so the job still gets done.But if things don’t change, and the situation remains the same, with that person still committing the same behavioral hiccups, then it’s time to consider how much of a dealbreaker it is for the relationship. The occasional milky or overly brewed tea is forgivable. But a complete lack of support in non-negotiable areas may cause the relationship to end.Have patience, and find a balanced approach. But don’t overlook the power of the opposite of weaponized competence, what I’d call mutual competence, a sense of togetherness and teamwork, where combined, you’re stronger than alone.KEEP READING How To Deal With Manipulative Behavior in Relationships

5 Steps to Apply The Wisdom of Internal Family Systems Therapy to Your Own Life
Mental Health

5 Steps to Apply The Wisdom of Internal Family Systems Therapy to Your Own Life

A friend once shared that when they started looking for support for their mental health, they were shocked to find more than one type of therapy. I’d assumed everyone knew this, but the truth is, there are many options available, and finding the right type of therapy is just as important as the therapy itself. Internal Family Systems Therapy, or IFS, is a lesser-known form of therapy, which we’ll explore in this article.RELATED: Personal Vs. Group Therapy: Which Mental Health Journey Is Right for You?Internal family systems therapy was founded by Dr. Richard C. Schwartz in the 1980s. It takes an interesting view of the psyche; rather than one solid and fixed “self,” the IFS model is based upon the theory of multiple subpersonalities that have their own emotions, beliefs, and viewpoints. If this all sounds a little disconcerting, don’t worry — it’s less “out there” than it sounds, and is an evidence-based approach that has been proven to be effective.In addition to walking through the various goals and components of the IFS model, we’ll also show you how to apply its theory as self-help, to give you a taste of its practical power.What is the Goal of Internal Family Systems Therapy?Schwartz developed IFS therapy having originally worked as a psychologist trained in family systems; the theory that families are complex, emotional units, and the way they interact influence the psychology of each member. Schwartz expanded upon this theory to apply it an individual, having noticed that many clients spoke of different “parts” of themselves, that have conflicting demands.Schwartz also noticed that these inner parts communicated in ways that mirrored family dynamics. From there, he started to explore ways in which to heal the inner parts, moving the client to a more integrated and whole version of themselves. For Schwartz, traumatic experiences led to defense mechanisms and “extreme roles,” which have to be seen and healed in order to find greater emotional and psychological balance.Although the idea of multiple “personalities” can bring up images of extreme disorders, many schools of thought in psychology have explored inner conflict as being one of the core elements of the human mind. To name a few, Sigmund Freud had his theory of the id, ego, and superego, whilst his protege, Carl Jung, spoke of different archetypes that exist within. Jung, in particular, was also concerned with “wholeness,” that is, the person bringing the fullest version of themselves to the forefront of their being.Is Internal Family Systems Therapy Legitimate?While the amount of research around IFS therapy isn’t as comprehensive as other forms of therapy, such as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), it is an evidence-based practice, with a growing body of evidence for positive results in treating conditions including depression, PTSD, stress, and anxiety. In 2021 a study published in the Journal of Aggression, Maltreatment & Trauma found IFS therapy to be effective in reducing PTSD in survivors of extreme childhood trauma.Leading world experts on trauma, including Gabor Mate and Dr. Bessel van der Kolk, endorse and have been inspired by Schwartz’s innovative approach to trauma-informed treatment. Tapping into Schwartz’s ethos, in The Body Keeps The Score, Kolk writes:“The Self is like an orchestra conductor who helps all the parts to function harmoniously as a symphony rather than a cacophony.”The Core Components of Internal Family Systems TherapyThe IFS model promotes self-leadership — that is the ability to self-heal and uncover a sense of inner resourcefulness, to find the answers and to kick-start self-repair. In this sense, it mirrors philosophical or spiritual approaches of inner wisdom. The relationship between the self, and parts, is the foundation of internal family systems.PartsWithin the IFS model, parts come under different categories. Typically they are in conflict with each other and lack trust in the self. They may be “frozen” at different ages (think, for example, of the inner child). The goal is to find better harmony as an overall system, relying and trusting the core self as, as Kolk says, the conductor of the orchestra. The three categories are:Exiles: the most intense in feeling and memory, most often linked to trauma, and difficult emotions such as shame, humiliation, or even rage or anger. These parts are exiled, pushed out of consciousness, and suppressed, but in doing so, this depletes the availability of psychic energy available.Managers: these parts look for ways to control the system, and keep the exiled parts away, through concern over their level of disruption. These are known as proactive protectors, and are often healthy, keeping a person functioning and operating well.Firefighters: known as reactive protectors, firefighters take control if exiles break through the system, attempting to avoid pain in a more cavalier way, including forms of escapism such as substance abuse, self-harm, or thrill-seeking behavior. Firefights are at odds with managers for being more volatile.The Core SelfWhat exactly is the self? Pinning down a definitive description of the self is complex. But different schools of thought, including the IFS model, have been able to identify a core self that holds, in some way, our highest potential — colloquially called a higher self or true self, it’s grounded in wisdom and clarity, compared to the reactivity or distortions of individual parts. Internal family systems categorize remarkable characteristics of the self as Eight Cs and Five Ps, which are:Calm, clarity, compassion, curiosity, confidence, courage, creativity, and connection.Presence, patience, perspective, persistence, and playfulness.Schwartz discovered that when operating from the self, these qualities consistently appeared, catalyzing the healing process.The Unburdening ProcessPart of the goal of internal family systems is to allow the self to create the appropriate conditions for exiled parts to rise to the surface, share their pain, their needs, and their fears, and be communicated with from a different quality of consciousness. In doing so, they become healed and integrated, rather than shunned from the spotlight of consciousness. Schwartz calls this process unburdening, due to the nature of letting go of painful memories and unaddressed emotions.How To Apply Internal Family Systems On Your OwnAlthough the IFS model is used as a therapeutic method, it’s possible to apply its tool and insights on your own — it is a model of self-leadership, after all. Similar to CBT, the ethos of the method can be used on yourself, although it may take more discipline, it can be effective. It begins by identifying the self. According to Schwartz:“It helps to know when you're in self and when you're not. We have a meditation that helps people get their parts in open space and then feel what it's like to be in self. And then, the simple practice of just noticing how many of those eight Cs you are finding. And noticing how open your heart is, or noticing if you have a big agenda.”1. Discern What The Self Is, And Isn’tThe list of remarkable qualities above directs you towards the qualities of the self. But words alone don’t capture it; you have to familiarize with the self, when it’s most present. Personally speaking, this has been one of the biggest gifts of meditation. Through mindfulness practice, I was able to find the inner sense of peace and wisdom that catalyzed my own healing process.RELATED: Self-Reflection: Why Is It Important?The self can be active spontaneously, too. It can feel as if a sense of calm and clarity suddenly comes over you, like an “aha” moment — maybe on a walk in nature, after exercising, or after a period of stress and anxiety, where suddenly, the clouds are lifted. Without trying to conceptualize, become as familiar as you can.Don’t stress at this point or try to force connection, as the self is paradoxical; the more you clear your mind and become centered, the more likely it is to appear.2. Finding Lost PartsThis task isn’t easily done alone, especially if you have experienced significant trauma. But it is possible to begin exploring your inner landscape, to identify the different parts, and how they surface in your day-to-day life. In the IFS model, this is known as “unblending,” as a way to clarify the individual components. Therapists use 6 Fs to locate parts, which you can also apply to yourself:Find: this requires self-awareness to be present to individual components, how they exist energetically and within the body.Focus: rather than ignore this part, deliberately focus on it.Flesh out: now start to fill in the gaps. Does this part have a visual element? Is it represented in a certain way, or by powerful emotions?Feel toward: the next step is to ask the question, how do you feel about this part? This will highlight whether the self is active, or whether another, secondary part is influencing (or judging) this part.BeFriend: start to enquire into the nature of this part, how it became the way it was, what it needs, what its intentions are. A core ethos of the IFS model is that all parts have positive intentions.What does this part Fear? This question will surface the protective mechanism of the part. For example, suppressed rage may be through the fear of causing harm, or being rejected, if that emotion comes to the surface.3. Identify Managers and FirefightersThe next stage is to reflect on the way in which inner parts interact. What patterns do you detect? What managers or firefighters show up when you experience difficulty? This isn’t an easy task and takes a combination of patience and self-awareness to see how this inner complex system unfolds. Here are some questions to point you in the right direction:Where in my life do I attempt to control, or over-prepare? This can be obvious, such as planning all the different activities of a trip, or meticulously crafting your weekly schedule. Or it can be subtle, such as avoiding certain social scenarios to avoid triggering reactive qualities, such as fears of rejection or abandonment.What emotions do I struggle with the most? This can point you to the qualities of exiled parts, and their associated feelings. These emotions are also most likely to be linked to firefighting mechanisms.How do I escape from unpleasant feelings? It’s widely acceptable to escape unpleasant emotions, from anxiety to sadness, through different forms of escape. Can you detect patterns in your firefighting tendencies? What emotions do you avoid, and how do you avoid them?4. Give Space to Each PartBoldly claiming these steps will return you to a sense of wholeness, and “heal” you, would be misguided. This work takes a lot of time. The process of returning to wholeness, it could be argued, is lifelong. What’s most important is that you begin the journey of recovering exiled parts of the self — many different forms of therapy agree with the IFS model, in that sense.Can you view the exiled parts as deserving of compassion, or acceptance? Know that the parts of you that cause pain, or avoid difficult feelings, was an intelligent way of attempting to self-protect, they had their purpose. So give space to each part; you may practice a journal technique of writing from a specific part. Intuitively, you’ll know this, as you’ll be tempted to describe the situation as “a part of me wants…”RELATED: The True Meaning Of Maslow’s Hierarchy of NeedsAlways pull the thread when you feel this seeming inner fragmentation. It’s not a sign of madness, but, according to internal family systems, the true nature of mind. The more you can settle in the self, and become the conductor of your inner orchestra, the more harmony and peace of mind you’ll create, as well as unlock the energy it takes to keep parts exiled.5. Practice Forgiveness and Letting GoThe unburdening process isn’t just a mental practice, but a full-body experience, which is why internal family systems are intertwined with healing trauma. Be willing to let go of past experiences, which may require forgiveness, towards yourself, and others. Remember that letting go of protective mechanisms, be it managers or firefighters, won’t send you into a downward spiral, but will liberate you from maladaptive tendencies.This isn’t a one-off, but an ongoing process, as are all of the above steps. Internal family systems are a powerful tool for mental balance, emotional harmony, and self-discovery. It’s not a checklist but part of a toolkit of personal development. So keep these steps in mind. And if part of you feels skeptical, put that part aside, let the self take the lead, and see what you gain with a little experimentation, some faith, and a pragmatic approach to the multifaceted nature of mind.KEEP READING How to Achieve Self-Actualization: A Complete Guide

3 Actions to Encourage Healthier Conflict if Your Husband Yells at You
Relationships

3 Actions to Encourage Healthier Conflict if Your Husband Yells at You

Arguments come with the territory of intimate relationships, and they can’t always be avoided. When two people have conflicting needs, desires, beliefs, worldviews, and ways of communicating, arguments can happen. However, that doesn’t mean arguments are healthy, or something to be blindly accepted. The nature of arguments reveals a lot about the dynamic in the relationship.RELATED: Communication Skills: Why They’re ImportantHaving anyone yell at you is unpleasant. A significant other yelling at you consistently can lead to you feeling unsafe or threatened. There’s a difference between healthy conflict and aggressive behavior, too. If you feel that your arguments are imbalanced and, making the assumption that you’re reading this article because your husband is yelling at you, want to find healthier ways to relate, you’re in the right place.Reasons Why Your Husband Yells At YouIf someone is highly irritable and loses their temper regularly, there could be a number of contributing factors. Most likely there is an emotional cause, originating from a sense of desperation or frustration. Assuming the relationship is otherwise healthy, and not abusive, someone yelling may indicate they lack emotional regulation and the ability to communicate through difficult topics.If yelling occurs mostly during arguments or disagreements, that’s likely the cause. But if your husband yells at you unexpectedly or spontaneously, away from disagreements or conflict, that could indicate possessiveness, controlling tendencies, codependency, or unacknowledged resentment.There’s no excuse for yelling. If it happens in the middle of conflict, there is cause for compassion — sometimes people struggle with difficult situations and lose control. But if this is frequent and unprovoked, then the issue needs to be looked at more closely.Is It Abuse If My Husband Yells At Me?There are ways that you can discern whether yelling is unhealthy, or entering the territory of abuse. It takes self-honesty to explore the times your husband yells at you, and to consider your role. Were you also raising your voice or yelling? Were you being passive-aggressive? Ask these questions as a form of inquiry, not a way to attempt to shift blame or attempt to justify violent behavior. Make no mistake, yelling is a form of violence.Someone raising their voice is a sign of dominance and aggression. Depending on what is said, this can also be a form of verbal abuse, which is also linked to emotional abuse. Yelling can’t be minimized; although it might not have the same external impact as physical violence, it can still be a form of abuse and is just as valid.Abusive tendencies don’t tend only exist in the middle of conflict. Other ways to tell the difference between someone losing their cool and abuse include:Responsibility: people who lose their cool in the middle of an argument will be more likely to apologize and take responsibility. Once they have gone through a cooling-off period, they’ll likely realize their yelling wasn’t okay, and want to make up for that. If someone refuses to apologize or take responsibility for yelling, it could enter abusive territory.Blame: the chances of abuse are even higher if the person yelling blames you for their behavior. Rather than acknowledge their own inability to emotionally regulate, they may tell you that they’re only yelling because you made them — a significant red flag.A lack of desire to change: yelling is permissible if the intention is there to make change. If the yelling is frequent, and the person makes no attempt to understand the root cause, it could be a sign of an abusive dynamic.Can Yelling Be Part of Healthy Conflict?If the above examples are common in your relationship, it’s a big red flag. But yelling isn’t always a sign to end a relationship. Amanda Ripley, author of High Conflict: Why We Get Trapped—and How We Get Out, identifies two types of conflict: high conflict and good conflict. The former is full of unaddressed grievance, polarized thinking, superiority, judgment, and reactivity. Good conflict, however, “can be stressful and heated, but it doesn’t collapse into caricature.” It’s catalytic and supports a deeper understanding between both sides.3 Steps To Stop Your Husband Yelling At YouWith everything considered, it’s clear that consistent yelling isn’t ideal, whether the relationship itself is unhealthy or not. If you can see room for improvement, and believe that the issue can be worked on, that’s already a positive sign. The willingness to communicate to grow together is the hallmark of successful long-term relationships. It does, of course, take two to tango, and will require both of you to be on the same page when it comes to avoiding this damaging type of conflict.RELATED: 5 Signs You’re in a Toxic Relationship, and What Steps To Take NextFor the best results, it pays to make sure you are regulating emotionally and practicing your communication skills, when you open up the conversation. If you blame or accuse your husband, without prior warning, then it could have the opposite effect, and lead to more defensiveness or justification. Try to find an appropriate time to talk, and express your needs clearly. Then follow these additional steps.1. Communicate The IssueOnce you’ve found an appropriate time, carefully consider how you’d like to express your concern. You could open the dialogue by saying something like: “you’ve been yelling a lot at me lately. When you do, I feel scared and unsafe. It never leads to greater resolution, and I’d like us to find a way to work on this.” By using “we” statements, you’re offering a sense of togetherness, that it’s an issue for the both of you, even if that might be giving your husband the benefit of the doubt.2. Set Clear BoundariesOnce you’ve expressed the issue, and why, the next step is to express your boundaries. These can be flexible, or not. For example, you might set a hard boundary that if your husband yells or enters verbal abuse, you will walk away from the conflict. The next time you’re in that situation, you’ve set the expectation, and avoid enabling the unhealthy behavior.3. Work Together On Conflict Resolution PracticesHaving open conversations in the cold light of day is one thing, but remembering to act in a certain way in the heat of the moment is another. That’s why having a set of practices to rely on is key to overcoming unhealthy forms of conflict. By far, one of the best techniques you can use is to agree on a cooling-off period when things get too intense — for both of you. It allows for space to calm down, and avoid doing or saying things you’ll later regret. According to conflict resolution expert Heidi Burgess:“Cooling-off periods are used in highly emotional confrontations in which one or more of the parties has become intensely angry as the result of some real or imagined provocation or threat. Decisions made under these circumstances are likely to make the situation worse, rather than better. Bill Ury refers to cooling-off periods as, ‘going to the balcony.’ Parties can ‘go to the balcony’ to create enough time and space to distance themselves from their knee-jerk impulses. It gives them the chance to regain control over their emotions.”The Next Steps…All that is in your control is the ability to express boundaries and ask for behavior to change, as well as living by those standards yourself. However, if your husband or partner ignores those requests, disrespects boundaries, and has no intention to work on their emotional regulation, you’re then faced with a bigger question of whether or not to stay in the relationship.The way someone responds to having unhelpful behaviors challenged says a lot about the person. If your husband is apologetic and responsive, there’s every chance your relationship will become even stronger once you’ve worked on your communication styles and conflict resolution. You may yell from time to time, and that’s normal, but it’ll become less frequent, and won’t escalate, creating a safer environment for both of you.KEEP READING How To Deal With Manipulative Behavior in Relationships

Wabi-Sabi: 6 Life-Changing Methods to Embrace Imperfection
Spiritual Health

Wabi-Sabi: 6 Life-Changing Methods to Embrace Imperfection

“Your issue is that you’re a perfectionist,” the astrologer said to me, “that you view life with expectations, in a way that can make you miss the perfection of each moment.” I smiled in the way you smile when you feel seen in an accurate yet uncomfortable way. The reflection came during an Aztec reading, a Christmas gift containing truth bombs everywhere. While perfectionism may support me in some ways, in others, it obstructs my view of beauty, and reasons to be grateful.RELATED: Perfectionism: How to Manage Unrealistic ExpectationsI’m aware of my craving for perfectionism. All of us have it, to some degree. I work with mine almost daily, noticing the times when my mental expectations cast a shadow over the reality directly in front of me. Overcoming these expectations is part of my spiritual practice, a way to accept life as is, not in a passive way, but in a skillful way, a way to respond to life with more wisdom.Recently, I came across wabi-sabi. It’s a philosophy that is ingrained in Japanese culture, has roots in Taoism and Zen Buddhism, inspires multiple art forms, and could be the perfect tonic to my craving for perfection. Wabi-sabi is the practice of embracing imperfection, a paradox leading to deeper levels of appreciation and fulfillment. Is this the gold ticket to a life of greater balance?What Does Wabi-Sabi Mean?Like many forms of spirituality or philosophy, especially those originating in other cultures, it’s almost impossible to capture the direct meaning of Wabi-Sabi. That’s okay, though, as this is more about a mindset, and an intuitive approach to life, than it is about trying to grasp it fully with the intellect. You’re unlikely to find two identical definitions for the two words involved, wabi and sabi, but they roughly translate as:Wabi: simple, humble, and natural living.Sabi: to grow old or wither.Combined, they capture the Buddhist essence of impermanence — nothing lasts forever. In the material world, everything is affected by the passage of time. But our craving for perfection, our sky-high expectations, create suffering, because they cast a veil over reality, causing us to miss the passing beauty of each moment. Simplicity, humility, and natural living are ways to connect to the sacred nature of reality, revealing hidden beauty.The Origin of Wabi-SabiSen no Rikyū was a 15th-century Japanese tea master, one of the wisest and most influential in Japanese history. Rikyū was credited with integrating wabi-sabi into tea ceremonies, departing from the previously extravagant approach to something more simple. Legend has it that, during his early years of training, Rikyū approached the master Takeno Joo to learn the way of tea. As a test, his master asked him to landscape his garden.RELATED: 5 Easy Ways to Create Good Feng Shui in Your HomeRikyū landscaped the garden to absolute perfection. However, just before presenting the garden to his master, he deliberately shook the cherry tree, so that the blossoms would fall everywhere, adding a touch of imperfection. In this moment, Takeeno Joo knew Rikyū grasped the concept of wabi-sabi, and would become a great teacher.As mentioned above, wabi-sabi has roots in Taoism and Zen Buddhism, which share the core teachings of acceptance of reality as is, in all its perceived imperfection. The mind, or ego, is the cause of suffering, by craving for things to be different. The Zen philosophy of mushin (no mind) describes the contentment and peace that comes from moving away from the mind, slowing down, and becoming present to the moment.Kintsugi and wabi-sabiThe ethos of wabi-sabi is beautifully captured in the practice of kintsugi, a physical expression of embracing imperfection. Kintsugi translates to golden joinery or golden repair, and is the art of repairing broken pottery by fusing it together with gold. Rather than the breaks being something to hide or discard, the random cracks and imperfections are embraced. The wabi-sabi aesthetic of broken parts are celebrated for giving the object character.The Psychology of Wabi-SabiSo-called beauty standards are applied to everything from the food stocked on supermarket shelves (engineered to look a certain way), to our physical appearance, signified by the rise of plastic surgery and a beauty industry worth billions upon billions of dollars. Any sign of imperfection is judged negatively. In many ways, modern culture is in denial of the natural state of impermanence.RELATED: Kaizen: How You Can Utilize The Japanese Philosophy of Continual ImprovementIn physical form, this is easier to detect. We might wish to hide wrinkles, have a body sculpted to fit the idealized images seen in magazines and social media, or manicure our meals to look Instagram-ready. But what about the psychology of wabi-sabi? How does this philosophy apply to the inner world?Three Categories of PerfectionismPerfectionism has been widely studied in the field of psychology, with strong correlations to a host of negative outcomes, from stress, depression, to low self-esteem. Psychologists Paul Hewitt and Gordon Flett identify three main categories of perfectionism:Socially prescribed perfectionism: the belief that other people expect you to be perfect.Other-oriented perfectionism: placing perfect standards on other people.Self-oriented perfectionism: expecting flawlessness from yourself.There is a paradox at the core of perfectionism — the more we strive to be perfect, the higher our expectations, and the less likely we are to achieve or experience what we crave. Perfectionism isn’t productive or skilful, but leads to a sense of suffocation or self-criticism. Although a philosophy stretching back hundreds of years, wabi-sabi is a useful solution to this modern issue.6 Ways to Incorporate Wabi-Sabi Into Your LifeSo how do you make wabi-sabi a way of life? Before we dive deeper into that, remember that wabi-sabi is a spiritual philosophy. It’s not a hack to find happiness, or another habit to track. It’s a mindset and way of life, a dedication to living aligned with certain values. And be warned: striving to always find joy and contentment in each moment is another form of perfectionism disguising itself! The below steps can modestly lead you along the path of wabi-sabi:1. Acknowledge Your Perfectionist TendenciesIn my Aztec reading, my guide was careful to point out that my perfectionist tendencies weren’t all bad — my attention to detail and desire to have everything in place works well in professional settings and structuring my life. Everything is a matter of balance, though, and when applied to my everyday life, perfectionism just isn’t an optimal approach. It’s what Buddhism identifies as dukkha, or suffering.The first step to incorporate wabi-sabi is to acknowledge the areas where you do crave perfection. What patterns do you notice? Feelings of disappointment or dissatisfaction could signal high expectations. If you often have mental images of how life “should be,” then it’s worth addressing this and setting the intention to change. This doesn’t mean sacrificing standards or ambition but finding a greater balance.2. Identify What Perfectionism Means To YouBy this, I mean on a deep psychological and emotional level. Before embracing wabi-sabi, the defense mechanisms and core beliefs that motivate your perfectionist behavior have to be deconstructed and understood. What beliefs do you have about perfectionism? Do you believe you won’t be loved or respected if you’re not perfect? Do you feel that life should always work out the way you’d like it to?Perfectionism can often be the mind’s tendency to avoid suffering of all kinds. For example, envisioning everything going completely to plan can create a sense of relief or control. But when things don’t go to plan, how do you respond? Maybe you use anxiety as a way to avoid feelings of anxiety or uncertainty. Know that this approach is futile, and, as taught in Buddhism, will only create additional, unnecessary suffering.3. Reflect On ImpermanenceIf you fully embrace wabi-sabi, the lessons will come to you. Part of the learning lies in the spiritual practice of embracing impermanence. Notice how everything is always changing, despite the mind’s tendency to crave fixed things. Another aspect of Buddhism known as aniccā, talks to this ever-changing quality of reality. Wanting things to remain the same, or denying this, is another cause of suffering. On the other hand, acceptance of impermanence leads to deeper peace and happiness.Another Buddhist principle of non-attachment is crucial. Attachment is sometimes referred to as grasping. You’ll likely intuitively understand the feeling when you try to hold onto, or grasp at, moments in life. Maybe your relationship is coming to an end, and you’re holding on through fear of the unknown. Maybe you are stuck in nostalgia, holding onto the past rather than looking to the future.The better you’re able to practice non-attachment, the more life will flow with ease. Beauty will be found in seeing how every moment is as delicate as a falling cherry blossom — and that’s what makes it valuable.4. Embrace Imperfection With ReframingSo much of happiness comes down to your approach to life’s events, and not the events themselves. The ability to embrace imperfection isn’t easy, as it requires a significant reframe. Rather than seeing unwanted or imperfect qualities as hurdles, what if you could see them as opportunities to grow? Adopting a growth mindset allows you to see what was previously imperfection to be opportunities.This is wide-reaching. For example, if you have a perfect idea of how to spend an evening with your partner, you might become overly sensitive to things not going well. But what if any hiccups or conflict were opportunities to reconcile, to get to know each other more deeply? If you have a perfectionist view of success, what if you focused more on who you were becoming in your journey?5. Seek to Live As Simply As PossiblePart of incorporating wabi-sabi is to embrace a more simple, natural-orientated life. Rather than always striving for the ideal, social-media-worthy lifestyle, what if you could focus on the basics? Cultivating a gratitude practice for life’s small joys, along with a deeper connection with nature, be it through forest bathing, running, walking barefoot, or just being aware of the abundant gifts Mother Earth provides all around.Every day we are force-fed images of the perfect lifestyle. What if wabi-sabi allowed you to rebel? We become so busy chasing and striving for an image of perfection that we miss what’s right in front of us. What would change if you fully embraced your life, exactly as it is? That doesn’t mean becoming passive towards things that have to change. Instead, it means taking a deep breath and letting go of resistance, in a way that allows you to gather your energy to direct it to what’s most important.6. Cultivate CompassionCompassion, another central teaching of Buddhism, is closely linked with wabi-sabi. It encourages us to embrace that everyone has flaws, and insecurities. It acknowledges that each of us suffer with life’s setbacks. It doesn’t seek to minimize or ridicule the very real pain that can come from disappointment or unexpected events. But it also offers a sense of support, a desire to extend beyond suffering, to meet everything with a full heart.What if all the heartbreak, setbacks, flaws, and idiosyncrasies were actually the gold that makes you stand out as an individual, gives you character? What if the moments life doesn’t go your way are actually leading you along the right path, one that isn’t quite yet in full view? What if feelings of love and joy and beauty are only so poignant because of the knowledge nothing lasts forever, so the only option is to cherish it, each day, as best you can?KEEP READING Ikigai: The Powerful Japanese Philosophy That Will Add Purpose To Your Life

How To Apply The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success
Spiritual Health

How To Apply The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success

There are a lot of misconceptions in the field of spirituality. One of the most common is the belief that spirituality isn’t compatible with success — it’s not supportive of the desire to develop personally, professionally, or physically. From that perspective, wanting money or career success is somehow unspiritual. But is that really true?RELATED: Here’s Why Passion Is the Key To SuccessAccording to Deepak Chopra, one of the most renowned modern-day teachers of Eastern philosophy, success is best defined as “the continued expansion of happiness and the progressive realization of worthy goals.” Sure, seeking fame or fortune as your number one priority is likely tied up in your ego, not your true heart’s desire. But seeking worthwhile goals is absolutely essential to living a life of wholeness.The balance between inner fulfillment and outer accomplishment is a big challenge for anyone committed to their personal or spiritual development. Fortunately, in his bestselling book The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success, Chopra outlines a number of key principles that combine Western and Eastern philosophies. Are you looking for a different model of success? These laws will point you in the right direction.The Law of Pure PotentialityChopra’s spiritual laws of success come from a non-material worldview. In other words, consciousness is the foundation of reality, and humans, as an extension of that intelligence, have more influence than they believe. Pure potentiality describes this process, between what Chopra calls the unmanifest and the manifest. If you’re a fan of the law of attraction, you’ll likely be familiar with these terms to describe making your imagination a reality.How to apply this law: your thoughts are much more powerful than you think. This isn’t just a new age waffle, but a universal truth. This echoes Napoleon Hill’s famous book Think and Grow Rich, where he writes: “You are the master of your destiny. You can influence, direct and control your own environment. You can make your life what you want it to be.” Success requires you to get your mind on board, to start visualizing what you really want and to believe deeply that you can achieve it. The Law of GivingIn Chopra’s language, giving and receiving are part of the same flow of energy in the universe. Your pursuit of success, and any abundance that comes your way, shouldn’t be hoarded or guarded for you only, which disrupts this flow. The Taoist concept of Wu Wei aligns with this view. Becoming part of the universal flow of giving and receiving will supercharge your chances of success, opening your heart in the process.How to apply this law: As you consider what you’d like to achieve, envision how this will allow you to give more. If you want to receive more love, and you are willing to give it? If you want more material abundance, or you are willing to give things away and support others? Always attach an element of giving to your biggest goals and future visions.The Law of KarmaThe next spiritual law of success is closely linked to giving and is connected to the principle of karma. Originating from Eastern religions such as Buddhism, karma is the principle of cause and effect; that what you give, you’ll receive. Do you support other people’s success? Or do you judge others or envy them? Working on the way you handle other people will have a direct influence on your personal journey.How to apply this law: while there may not be a literal cause and effect to every action, the law of karma is a reminder to treat others how you would like to be treated. This becomes even more important when you do start to become successful; can you continue to respect everyone, and treat everyone with kindness? The Law of Least EffortAnother law with roots in Taoism, the law of least effort speaks to the natural flow and harmony of the universe. This is often misunderstood to suggest that success comes without trying, which isn’t the case. Instead, this spiritual law of success means working with the flow of life, not against it. A big part of this process is accepting what you can control, and what you can’t.How to apply this law: what areas of your life are you causing unnecessary resistance? Bring your awareness to what you can control, and what actions feel effortless or inspired. Effort in the sense of working hard for your goals is essential, but psychological or emotional resistance is an added hurdle along the way. Trust things will unfold exactly as planned for you.The Law of Intention and DesireIn Chopra’s model, “every intention and desire is the mechanics for its fulfillment.” The metaphysics of this can be confusing to get your head around, in the sense that, for a desire to arise within a human mind, the ability to fulfill that desire must also be possible. The difficulty is that most people lack the clarity of mind to accurately discern genuine desires, and instead operate from fear or ego-driven satisfaction. The balance is looking at your heart’s desire, connecting to that, and allowing your intuition to guide you.How to apply this law: to again quote Napoleon Hill: “The starting point of all achievement is desire. Keep this constantly in mind. Weak desire brings weak results, just as a small fire makes a small amount of heat.” You have to know what you want, trust it’s in your best interests, and pursue it feverishly, trusting which lessons surface along the way.The Law of DetachmentThe spiritual principle of detachment, or equanimity, is a buffer to desire and manifestation. How? Becoming attached to outcomes or desires creates a sense of deficiency or neediness; the feeling that you have to have the thing you desire in order to be whole, or complete. Detachment comes from a place of fulfillment; the feeling that you don’t need things to work out to be okay, although it’d be desirable.How to apply this law: don’t become blinkered in your pursuit of success or happiness. Learn to be present to the moment directly in front of you, rather than trapped in future visions. See all you pursue as a bonus, not a necessity to live a fulfilling life. Balance inner work with outer attainment. The Law of DharmaThe final spiritual law of success is perhaps the most important. Chopra encourages people to discover their unique gift and purpose, the way in which they can serve humanity. Another term originating from Buddhism and Hinduism, dharma is a person’s calling. Once you align with this calling, success magnetizes to you at increased speed and tenacity, as if the universe is responding to your alignment with an affirmation.How to apply this law: most models of psychological growth encourage people to find meaning as a precursor to happiness and success. The challenge is not simply going along with what you think you should pursue, based on other people’s expectations, but knowing in your heart of hearts what you’re here to do, no matter how modest or how bold the vision is.KEEP READING Chakras | A Complete Guide to the 7 Chakras and their Meanings