5 Ways to Cut Resentment and Bitterness from Your Relationship
Resentment is an emotion that can hurt a relationship and erode your intimacy. Even the most loving couples can harbor resentment for one another.
“There is no healthy place for resentment in our life, it is a thief,” says relationship coach Jodi Livon. “When we feel resentment we harbor dark feelings about something or someone and unless we consciously release those feelings, they continue to steal our light.”
We’ve asked experts about how to drop the resentment and feel the love.
Stay in the present
Breaking free of your resentments with others requires a commitment to staying in the present moment, says Shirin Peykar, M.A. LMFT, a psychotherapist in Los Angeles. She advises that every time you find yourself thinking about the past and the ways in which you were wronged, bring yourself back to the moment. “It can be helpful to focus on your senses as a way to come out of your mind and into the moment,” Peykar says.
Shift your communication strategy
Rather than focusing on what’s wrong, share with your partner what’s wonderful. “This often changes the dynamic in a relationship from tension, blame and defensiveness to understanding and closeness,
says Peykar. “From this space, your partner will be more inclined to hear you, validate you, and express their responsibility for the issues in the relationship as well. You will also be able to communicate your resentments in a healthier way from this space.”
Stop keeping score
Relationships aren’t competitions; nobody wins unless everybody wins. “If we’re accustomed to keeping score in our relationships, changing that habit takes a bit of practice,” says Donna Cameron, author of A Year of Living Kindly: Choices That Will Change Your Life and the World Around You. “The way to do it is to keep our eyes on the real prize: peace of mind, happiness, and appreciation of our friends and loved ones. If we can do that, we’ll find that we are spending less time keeping score and more time counting our blessings.” She also says it’s incredibly freeing to give without any expectation of reward or return, and to interact without keeping score -- it frees the mind from grudges and resentments, and creates a space to enjoy the people and abundance in our lives.
Speak your truth
Most of the time people are not communicating their needs effectively and clearly, so their partner doesn't even know these needs exist. “Think of a wife cleaning up after dinner while her husband sits on the couch browsing news articles on his phone. The wife is fuming, but doesn't say a word,” explains Rebecca Newton, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Redondo Beach, CA . “She's trapped in her own internal world of resentment and anger.” Instead Newton suggests she say: “Hey this is your responsibility, too."
“Then, it puts that need into his awareness,” Newton continues. She says a loving partner will help out. “If your partner continues to avoid meeting your needs even when you are communicating them effectively then you have a bigger problem on your hands,” she adds.
Consider speaking to a therapist
Turning to a professional is also a helpful option. “Using a therapist can be helpful because all of these issues can be addressed in a safe space where emotions can be processed and deeper healing can occur,” says Gina L. Spielman, LCSW, CH, is a licensed clinical social worker and certified hypnotist. “Being open to and participating in spiritual work can often help clear up resentments and judgments, creating profound shifts in perception, getting one to see things in completely different lights.”
Military Dad Defends His 4 Little Daughters When Strangers Make This Rude Remark
Military Dad of 4 Daughters Defends His Girls When Strangers Make This Rude Remark
Austin von Letkemann is the military officer strangers feel "sorry" for — and the reason is infuriating.
Whenever the devoted father leaves the house with his four children, strangers can't help but notice the officer in uniform is holding hands with 4 adorable little girls. They will tell the traditionally "masculine" and "all American" dad they feel sorry for him, because he has no sons. This dad makes one thing very clear: They are his daughters, they aren't a burden.
In a passionate video, von Letkemann took to Instagram to share with his followers that the only thing that's "difficult" about being a girl dad — is clapping back to these sexist remarks over and over again.
They Mock His Daughters To Their Face
When strangers approach Austin von Letkemann and his four daughters, they don't always realize that their comments are being overheard. They seem oblivious to the fact that his girls understand every word. Von Letkemann describes how people will approach him and, without thinking, make remarks like "I'm sorry" or even joke about his lack of sons. What they don't realize is that these comments, intended to be light-hearted or humorous, can be deeply hurtful to his daughters. These strangers are not just disrespecting von Letkemann's choices as a father; they're also sending a message to his daughters that their presence is something to be pitied. It’s a message that von Letkemann won't stand for, and he's speaking out to defend his girls from these insensitive remarksSaying "Get Your Shotgun" Isn't Funny — It's Sexist
Another common comment that Austin von Letkemann encounters is the old "better get your shotgun ready" trope, often delivered with a smirk or a wink. This line is typically intended to suggest that a father with daughters should be on high alert to protect them from potential "suitors," implying that they are objects to be guarded rather than individuals with agency.
Von Letkemann finds this line of thinking outdated and sexist. In his viral Instagram video, he points out that these jokes are not just stale — they're damaging.
By suggesting that his daughters require armed protection, the joke reinforces the idea that women are inherently vulnerable and need to be shielded from men. Von Letkemann argues that instead of promoting this narrative, society should focus on teaching respect and consent, challenging these sexist tropes at their source.
Watch Austin von Letkemann's Video:
"If I Had A Fifth Child, I'd HOPE It Was A Girl" — One Dad's Message For Other Parents
Despite the constant remarks about his lack of sons, Austin von Letkemann is clear: He wouldn't trade his daughters for anything.
In fact, he told his Instagram followers that if he were to have a fifth child, he would hope for another girl. This declaration isn't just about doubling down on his pride in his family — it's a pointed response to those who see fathering daughters as a misfortune.
Von Letkemann's stance is a powerful one, rejecting the notion that a family is incomplete without sons. He encourages others to question the assumptions behind these comments and to appreciate the joy and fulfillment that his daughters bring. By sharing his story, von Letkemann hopes to create a more inclusive perspective on fatherhood, one that values daughters just as much as sons.