The Best Schitt’s Creek Quotes And Sayings
Schitt’s Creek is beloved for its cast of eccentric characters, a steady supply of laughs, and some truly memorable quotes.
Schitt’s Creek premiered in 2015 as an unassuming Canadian sitcom about a wealthy family that loses its fortune, and must move to a small town purchased years earlier as a joke.
However, over the course of six seasons, the series became so much more, as viewers around the globe fell in love with the quirky members of Rose family and their even quirkier newfound friends.
Audiences laughed (and laughed), and occasionally cried, during the comedy’s 80-episode run, and committed many of the best Schitt’s Creek quotes to memory.
Funny Schitt’s Creek Quotes (And A Few Tear-Jerkers)
The most memorable Schitt’s Creek quotes are hilarious, of course, which owes as much to the talent of the writers as it does to the delivery of its stellar cast.
However, the show could also reduce fans to sobbing, particularly during key moments in the relationship between David Rose and Patrick Brewer. Below, you’ll find plenty of laughs — and, yes, a few tears.
David Rose’s Schitt’s Creek Quotes Are Simply the Best
It’s as difficult to define David Rose’s personality as it is to describe his personal style. A bundle of anxieties, insecurities and phobias, David is sarcastic, judgmental, unfiltered and, of course, self-absorbed.
However, beneath all of that, he’s also secretly soft-hearted, and desperate to be loved and accepted. And while David may not have an easily identifiable catchphrase, like his sister does, he has a lot to say, as these Schitt’s Creek quotes demonstrate.
“I like the wine, and not the label.”
Full quote: “I do drink red wine. But I also drink white wine. And I’ve been known to sample the occasional rosé. And a couple summers back I tried a merlot, that used to be a chardonnay. I like the wine, and not the label.” — David Rose
David Rose and Stevie Budd’s relationship turns, um, physical in Season 1, which surprises everyone — including David and Stevie.
Following their first night together, Stevie seeks to clarify David’s sexuality with a clumsy wine metaphor, which he makes even more confusing.
“I plan on popping a pill, crying a bit, and falling asleep early.”
Full quote: “Ah, I plan on popping a pill, crying a bit and falling asleep early. So just a regular weeknight.” — David Rose
Excitement for Alexis’ high-school graduation ceremony results in the Rose family forgetting David’s birthday in the Season 3 finale. Although a sulking David intends to spend the night alone, Patrick Brewer quickly devises another plan.
“I’m starting to feel like I’m trapped in an Avril Lavigne lyric here.”
Full quote: “OK, I’m starting to feel like I’m trapped in an Avril Lavigne lyric here. And while I not-so-secretly love Avril, and have paid very close attention to her battle with Lyme disease… Um, I don’t know why we’re…” — David Rose
The only thing weirder than David and Stevie seeing each other was when they were seeing the same guy, Jake, the rugged, open-minded woodworker.
Jealousy and uncertainty combined to, in the words of Avril Lavigne, “make things so complicated.” And that was before Jake proposed the three of them become a… throuple.
“The idea of me life-coaching another human being should scare you… a lot.”
In the Schitt’s Creek Season 1 episode “Little Sister,” Jocelyn Schitt asks David to talk with one of her new students, a gay kid who’s struggling to fit into the small town. Needless to say, it doesn’t go quite like Jocelyn envisioned.
Sixteen-year-old Connor proves more than a match for a reluctant David, who nevertheless learns something from their encounter: that his brief “friends-with-benefits” arrangement with Stevie Budd is not a good idea.
“I’m a delightful half-half situation!”
Full quote: “I’m a delightful half-half situation, which is why it’s so annoying that my Dad thinks he can boss people around on a holiday that he technically has no authority over.” — David Rose
When Stevie and Patrick exchange Christmas greetings in the Season 4 holiday special, David questions why he didn’t receive a “Merry Christmas.” Stevie explains it’s because she thought he was Jewish, which is only half right.
“I don’t know what kind of carnage I inflicted in my past life to deserve it.”
Full quote: “There’s no connection. It’s just one long string of really bad luck, and I don’t know what kind of carnage I inflicted in my past life to deserve it. I must have been Dracula or a spin instructor or something.” — David Rose
David and Patrick’s four-month anniversary sparks excitement among the Rose family, who plan a barbecue in celebration. After all, it’s David’s longest relationship. Fearing that he repeatedly sabotages his own love life, David doesn’t want to invite Patrick.
That leads to what passes for a heart-to-heart with Moira, who sums up her son’s previous relationships as, “one bungle after another. I’m not saying there’s a connection.”
“I would hardly call myself an expert on … genuine human emotion.”
Full quote: “OK, look, um, I would hardly call myself an expert on this subject, and by subject I mean genuine human emotion. So, I am just going to tell you what I know. And you can do whatever you want with that. OK? I know that your name has come up in conversation every single day, for the past six months. Um, I know that she’s different now I mean, not that different, obviously, but, um, different enough to know that she made a mistake with you. Or was it two mistakes? Or more?” — David Rose
Despite their frequently antagonistic relationship, deep down, David and Alexis truly care for each other. That becomes apparent again in the Season 4 finale, “Singles Week,” when David tries to convince Ted Mullens to give Alexis another chance.
“What does that mean? What does ‘fold in the cheese’ mean?”
Moira’s attempt to convince her family she knows how to cook erupts into chaos as she becomes determined to teach David a life skill. If there were any doubt the enchilada recipe isn’t some sort of family heirloom, as Moira claims, it’s resolved by the shared confusion over the instruction to “fold in the cheese.”
“You smell very flammable right now.”
The death of Bob Currie’s brother, Carl, in Season 1 reveals more about Stevie Budd as her hard-living cousin, Sean, arrives in town for the funeral. Stevie soon joins in the partying, much to David’s surprise and amusement.
Alexis Rose’s Quotes Are a Little Bit… Alexis
Perhaps no Schitt’s Creek character is more quotable than Alexis Rose, whose nonstop exasperation with her brother (“David!”), and revelations about her sordid past make her words perfect for (almost) any occasion. Or, at least if you find yourself locked in a car trunk, or dating a world-famous athlete.
“Ew, David!” became a breakout catchphrase of Schitts Creek, despite Alexis Rose’s expression of exasperation appearing just three times over the course of six seasons. We could blame the Mandela effect, except Alexis said “David!” — or some variation there of — north of 230 times during the first five seasons.
Those variations include “No, David,” “Ouch, David,” “Don’t, David,” “Honestly, David,” “Oh, yay, David,” and the timeless classic, “You’re like a big, dirty raccoon, David.”
“Hide your diamonds, hide your exes. I’m a little bit Alexis.”
Schitt’s Creek featured a handful of memorable musical moments, including Noah Reid’s heart-melting cover of “Simply the Best” and Emily Hampshire’s show-stopping rendition of “Maybe This Time.” However, Annie Murphy’s choreographed performance of “A Little Bit Alexis” takes the cake.
Described as the theme song from the “critically reviewed, limited reality series” of the same name, Alexis Rose performs “A Little Bit Alexis” in the Season 5 episode “The Hospies” as her audition for Cabaret. Alexis turned out to be a little bit … a little bit … too much, and lost out on the coveted role of Sally Bowles. Instead, she was cast as one of the Kit Kat Dancers.
“It’s this long, boring story involving a yacht, and a famous soccer player…”
Full quote: “My name is Alexis, and yes, I did not finish high school. Um, it’s this long, boring story involving a yacht, and a famous soccer player, and like a ton of mushrooms.” — Alexis Rose
At some point, Jocelyn Schitt should have learned that exposing impressionable students to the Rose family might not be the best idea. But in the Season 3 episode “General Store,” she welcomes Alexis to her class, as a student, to the youngest Rose can finish high school and earn her diploma. Alexis, of course, makes one heck of a first impression.
“I miss being surrounded by loose acquaintances who think I’m funny and smart and charming.”
Full quote: “David, I just– I miss my life! And I miss doing things. And I miss being surrounded by loose acquaintances who think that I’m funny, and smart, and charming. Will you? Just a few people. Please. You can’t tell me that you don’t wanna hang out with people other than me.” — Alexis Rose
When Johnny and Moira set off in Season 1 for a weekend getaway, Alexis proposes throwing a party in hopes of creating a facsimile of her former life. Unfortunately, her vision for a gathering doesn’t match David’s … or Schitt’s Creek’s.
“Gwyneth Paltrow does a compost gift exchange.”
Full quote: “Yeah, no, I I know composting. Um, Gwyneth Paltrow does a compost gift exchange.” — Alexis Rose
Like the rest of the Rose family, Alexis is unprepared for their new life in Schitt’s Creek. However, to the surprise of Mutt Schitt, she does have some knowledge of composting, thanks to Gwyneth Paltrow.
“Do I leave everything behind and move to some random island to be with the love of my life?”
Full quote: “What now? Do I leave everything behind and move to some random island to be with the love of my life? Because I did that with Harry Styles in England and it was, like, too rainy.” – Alexis Rose
Ted’s surprise weekend return from the Galapagos Islands presents Alexis with a difficult decision about not only their relationship but also about her life. Perhaps unsurprisingly, she’s been in that very situation before, minus the tortoises.
“It’s just a checkpoint, OK?”
Full quote: “It’s just a checkpoint, OK? I’ve been through tons of these in Johannesburg, um, it’s like a drive thru, except everybody has a gun.” — Alexis Rose
Johnny Rose’s entrepreneurial interests collide head-on with Alexis’ inattentiveness in the Season 2 episode “Milk Money,” when they’re saddled with nearly $400 worth of illegal raw milk.
With Roland Schitt in the mix, it’s sheer panic as they arrive at a police checkpoint with a truckload of illicit milk, hastily made-up aliases, and a flimsy cover story.
“I don’t skate through life. … I walk through life.”
Full quote: “I don’t skate through life, David. I walk through life. In really nice shoes.” — Alexis Rose
David Rose is nothing if not a bundle of anxieties, in stark contrast to his sister Alexis, who’s unfazed by anything. When David’s license expires in Season 3, care-free Alexis chauffeurs him to his driving test, which leads to his accusation that, “you’ve always just gotten stuff, without realizing that other people don’t skate through life the same way you do.”
Moira Rose Quotes
What can be said about Moira Rose that hasn’t already been said by … Moira Rose? She’s the melodramatic former soap opera star with a flare for melodrama but not, unfortunately, for parenting or, well, everyday life.
Amid the theatrics, and indiscernible accent, Moira delivers a never-ending supply of iconic Schitt’s Creek quotes. Some of them are even insightful, bébés. Honest!
“You must prepare for life, and whatever it will throw at you.”
Full quote: “You must prepare for life, and whatever it will throw at you. The opportunities will diminish, and the ass will get bigger. Oh, you can bet your bottom dollar it will! Especially yours. You’re going to have a huge ass. And you, future baldy. Sorry, hairless, homeless! So what? Who cares? When they get mean, you tell them to go to hell! Because only you know who you are! And those cruel Internet people cannot take that away from you! You will forge on! And you will find some glimmer of something to hold on to. And only then will you find your way back. Only then will you become once again who you are!” — Moira Rose
If there’s anyone worse than David Rose to trust with shaping the minds of young people, it’s his mother, Moira Rose. But in the Season 1 episode “Don’t Worry, It’s His Sister,” Jocelyn Schitt asks Moira to coach her students, who are staging an anti-drug play.
After a rough start — “Never let the bastards get you down!” — Moira momentarily course-corrects, only to go completely off the rails.
“Gossip is the devil’s telephone. Best to just hang up.”
Moira is woefully uninformed about her children’s personal lives, primarily because she can’t be bothered with the details. But when Twyla Sands demonstrates in the Season 4 episode “Girls’ Night” that she’s up to date on Alexis’ love life, Moira deflects by pretending to take the high road by not participating in “gossip.”
“Take a thousand naked pictures of yourself now.”
Full quote: “Allow me to offer some advice. Take a thousand naked pictures of yourself now. You may currently think, ‘Oh, I’m too spooky,’ or ‘Nobody wants to see these tiny boobies,’ but believe me: One day you will look at those photos with much kinder eyes and say, ‘Dear God, I was a beautiful thing!” — Moira Rose
Every once in a while, almost as by accident, Moira Rose doles out genuinely helpful advice. The first noteworthy instance is in the Season 2 episode “Moira’s Nudes,” when she’s disappointed to discover the purported naked photos leaked online aren’t actually her. That leads to a moment of regret, then self-reflection, and, ultimately, some well-meaning (if misguided) words of wisdom for Stevie Budd.
“A mother puts her own mask on first.”
Full quote: “If airplane safety videos have taught me anything, David, it’s that a mother puts her own mask on first.” — Moira Rose
Moira Rose seldom places the needs of her children before her own. In the Season 3 episode “The Affair,” she sort of explains the reasoning behind that position when David insists, “I’m pretty sure parents are supposed to put their children before themselves.”
“I was half-expecting early Unabomber.”
Full quote: “This place is almost charming. Very rustic cottage… I was half-expecting early Unabomber.” — Moira Rose
Johnny and Moira’s plan for a romantic getaway at Roland Schitt’s cabin starts out well enough. That is, if you can overlook Johnny having to crawl through a window to unlock the door. Plus, the cabin is much nicer than Moira envisioned. Of course, all of that makes sense once they realize they mistakenly broke into Bob and Gwen Currie’s cabin. Still, “almost charming.”
“I had to be both puppet and puppeteer!”
Full quote: “I know all about being left in the lurch for a fundraiser. Eva Longoria and I were supposed to perform our ventriloquist act for the Everybody Nose Benefit for Juvenile Rhinoplasty when she suddenly drops out due to exhaustion. I had to be both puppet and puppeteer!” — Moira Rose
Poor Jocelyn Schitt’s is on the verge of a breakdown in Season 4 when the headliner of her annual fundraiser — television’s Moira Rose! — won’t commit to a routine, just a day before Asbestos Fest. When Jocelyn reveals that her sister was supposed to help organize the event, but had to drop out, Moira empathizes, and shares her own experience. But she definitely doesn’t make the situation any easier.
“What you did was impulsive, capricious and melodramatic. But it was also wrong.”
When the Roses’ plan to sell Schitt’s Creek falls through in the Season 1 finale, David runs away. He’s found, three days later, in the Season 2 premiere, living with a kind Amish family that can’t wait to see him leave.
Although Moira is more concerned about the status of her crocodile bag, which David took with him, she also has some motherly — or, at least, mother-like — words for her prodigal son.
“You just stand your solid ground, refusing to be anything but you.”
Full quote: “What the hell is your secret, Stevie? You just stand your solid ground, refusing to be anything but you. Hmm. Never thought I’d say this about anyone in this town, but you you’re very, very cool. And whether you set sail, or stay put, that’s not going to change. Now, why don’t we take our Sally by the hand, and we go out there, and show those people everything she can be. If she were only more like you.” — Moira Rose
Stevie’s biggest moment in Schitt’s Creek arrives in the Season 5 finale, when she belts out “Maybe This Time” as Sally Bowles in the local production of Cabaret.
However, that might not have happened without Moira, who drops her facade to give a pep talk to a nervous Stevie.
“What does burning smell like?”
Full quote: “David! Oh good, now I see bubbles. David! What does burning smell like?” — Moira Rose
Jocelyn Schitt’s kitchen deserved a better fate than to become an unfortunate laboratory for Moira’s enchilada experiment. But as the Season 2 episode “Family Dinner” spiraled out of control, Moira’s primary concern quickly turned from the meaning of “fold in the cheese” to the smell of burned … something.
“Now I know how it feels to be utterly helpless, like you, and your sister.”
Full quote: “I could make a bed, I could fix a wobbly table, or start a car without a key. Then I met your father, and suddenly I had people to do everything for me. And I assumed that I would maintain my proficiencies, should I ever, God forbid, need them. But no, I have lost all my skills. And now I know how it feels to be utterly helpless, like you, and your sister.” — Moira Rose
Moira Rose wasn’t always the aging former daytime soap star prone to flights of fancy and desperate to reclaim her fame. Or so we’re told. Once upon a time, she could actually do things for herself, and maybe even pronounce “baby” without affectation.
However, in “Family Dinner,” she mourns the loss of her fabled self-sufficiency, which is what leads to the enchilada dinner.
“Our lives are like little bébé crows, carried upon a curious wind.”
Full quote: “We are gathered here today to celebrate the love between two people, whose lives were ostensibly brought together by the fated flap of a butterfly wing. It is all but impossible to explain why things happen the way they do. Our lives are like little bébé crows, carried upon a curious wind. And all we can wish, for our families, for those we love, is that that wind will eventually places us on solid ground. And I believe it’s done just that for my family here. In this little town. In the middle of nowhere.” — Moira Rose
Moira’s crowning moment, both in terms of fashion and genuine emotion, arrives in the series finale a she presides over the wedding of David and Patrick. While dressed as … the Pope? But don’t let the miter distract from her moving words, about fate and love.
Johnny Rose Quotes
Although Johnny Rose isn’t exactly the family’s bedrock, he’s undeniably the most grounded member. When Moira, David or Alexis pursue their latest flights of fancy, it’s often Johnny’s responsibility to rein them in.
However, Johnny’s practicality is frequently complicated by his difficulties navigating modern technology and “hip” expression, which is understandable, considering he made his fortune in home video. Luckily, Johnny’s bewilderment sometimes spawns some of the best Schitt’s Creek quotes.
“Tweet us on Facebook!”
Full quote: “Moira, you’re having a drink, you glance down at your coaster, it says, ‘tweet us on Facebook!’ Or uh, ‘leave us a review!’ And you say, yeah, yeah, OK, I think I will.” — Johnny Rose
Johnny Rose understands business and branding, but the finer points of social media may elude him. That much becomes obvious when he orders drink coasters in an effort to promote the motel.
“It’s not called Schittsville. It’s called Schitt’s Creek.”
Full quote: “The joke is I’m sitting here in a half-decent restaurant with my wife and our friends. And all you two have done is complain about the food, and pretend that you didn’t leave us high and dry after we lost everything. … I’m not quite past it, Moira. You wrote us off, Don. Not a phone call, not an email, not a nickel. Roland and Jocelyn here, could not have been more generous with what little they have. They found us a place to live, they’ve offered us their truck whenever we’ve needed it. They’ve invited us to their parties, they even offered to take us out to dinner tonight. … And that town you passed through, it’s not called Schittsville. It’s called Schitt’s Creek. And it’s where we live.” — Johnny Rose
Johnny Rose’s first big stand-up-and-cheer moment arrives in the Season 2 finale, when he and Moira run into two old friends who turned their backs on them. After Don and Bev spend much of dinner making fun of “Schittsville,” in front of Roland and Jocelyn Schitt, Johnny finally decides enough is enough.
“Not smart enough to stop wearing sweaters in the middle of the summer.”
Full quote: “Oh, look at David. Smart enough to get that joke, but not smart enough to stop wearing sweaters in the middle of the summer.” — Johnny Rose
With Moira preoccupied with staging Cabaret, Johnny volunteers to take her place in the annual Mayor’s Roast. Unfortunately, Johnny isn’t exactly the king of comedy. However, in his mind, he absolutely slew at the roast — and when he returned, triumphant, to the motel, he took good-natured aim at his family.
“Talk to the hand, son, because the ears are no longer working.”
Johnny Rose’s understanding of social media is only slightly less tenuous than his grasp of contemporary lingo. Hence, this dismissal of David in the Season 1 episode “Surprise Party,” immediately followed by a (somehow) even worse one: “Cancel your trip, Alexis, because the travel agent is out of the office.” David and Alexis were horrified, naturally.
Stevie Budd Quotes That Are Sincerely Inspiring
Easily the least-eccentric native of Schitt’s Creek, Stevie Budd is frequently the deadpan observer of the Rose family’s antics. But while the motel manager turned owner pretends not to care about anything, she’s revealed to be filled with uncertainty, about her abilities and her prospects.
Surprisingly enough, it’s the Rose family that leads Stevie down the path to self-confidence. Along the way, she delivers her share of noteworthy Schitt’s Creek quotes.
“I have my own holiday tradition.”
Full quote: “I have my own holiday tradition. It’s like the 12 Days of Christmas, but it’s one day with 12 bottles of wine.” — Stevie Budd
Johnny Rose decides two throw a Christmas party at the motel, and enlists Stevie Budd to buy the wine at Rose Apothecary. When David questions the need for two cases of wine, Stevie shares a holiday tradition of her own. She was joking … probably.
“I’m incapable of faking sincerity.”
Full quote: “So you know that I think your business is a good idea, and you know that I mean that, because I’m incapable of faking sincerity. I’m also just incapable of sincerity in general.” — Stevie Budd
If a single quote can sum up Stevie Budd, it’s this one. When an anxious David wrestles with uncertainty about his business idea in Season 3, the often-sarcastic Stevie offers her support, and underscores what Schitt’s Creek fans already knew about her.
“I know everything about you, about your history, your family, and I’m still here.”
Full quote: “I’m gonna go out on a limb and say that you were probably surrounding yourself with the wrong people, and we both know that Patrick is not that kind of person. Also, I know everything about you, about your history, your family, and I’m still here.” — Stevie Budd
Stevie quickly becomes David’s best — well, only — friend on Schitt’s Creek. More than that, she serves as a one-person Greek chorus, commenting on his anxieties and indecision. The discovery that Patrick was previously engaged to a woman sends David into a spiral that leaves their relationship in doubt.
However, Stevie has a solution: a spa getaway for David and herself, and some straight talk about keeping secrets from those you care about.
“Nobody hates me more than me.”
Full quote: “Uh, yeah, fine. But if it makes you feel any better, nobody hates me more than me. Generally speaking.” — Stevie Budd
Despite the obvious pitfalls of such a relationship, Stevie and David stumble forward in their confusing “throuple” arrangement with Jake, the rugged woodworker. Amid jealousy and suspicion, the relationship ends, somehow, even more awkwardly than it began, with Stevie trying to explain why she planned on going out with Jake, even after she thought he was breaking up with David.
Patrick Brewer Quotes
Thoughtful and practical, Patrick Brewer is, without a doubt, the most “normal” resident of Schitt’s Creek. That’s a big part of what makes his evolving relationship with David, from business partner to boyfriend to husband, so charming to watch.
Patrick helps to make Rose Apothecary a reality, and proves to David that not every relationship ends in heartache. Despite that “nice guy” persona, however, Patrick enjoys winding up David with some-placed barbs.
“You have to stop watching Notting Hill.”
Full quote: “David, you have to stop watching Notting Hill. It’s not helpful for our relationship.” — Patrick Brewer
Patrick’s plans to propose to David following a lengthy hike are complicated, first by high expectations fueled by David’s love for romantic comedies, and then by Patrick’s injury. The latter can’t be blamed on Notting Hill, however.
“You’re my Mariah Carey.”
Full quote: “Mariah Carey concert, I know. Yeah. And I don’t expect you to say it back to me, right now. You say it when you’re ready. It just felt right to me, in the moment. You’re my Mariah Carey.” — Patrick Brewer
Stressed out by the state of Ted and Alexis’ relationship, and by preparations for Singles Week, David attempts to pawn off some of his work. Patrick responds in the best way possible, by telling David “I love you,” thereby, purposely adding to his stress. That’s because he knows David has only said those words three times: twice to his parents, and once at a … well, you know.
“It’s like you’re an oracle when it comes to the sex lives of lonely people.”
Full quote: “Well, David, I gotta hand it to you. We’ve already sold half of our massage oils. It’s like you’re an oracle when it comes to the sex lives of lonely people.” — Patrick Brewer
The “Singles Week” episode produces another worthy Patrick Brewer quote, as marvels at David’s ability to predict consumer demand for … massage oils. It’s a very specific talent, but apparently quite profitable.