The Fear List: How I Transformed My Relationship Anxiety by Facing It
What if your anxiety as a guide to what you can do to heal your past and live the life you want to? Here is how to change your perspective on anxiety.
Anxiety sucks -- so so badly. I have had so many anxiety attacks in my life I can’t even begin to remember them all. Of course, when I first started to experience anxiety attacks -- and anxiety in general -- that was not the case. It was as if I kept a laundry list of things that freaked me out in my head so that I could react to them similarly again in the future. And that list just kept growing and growing.
If you would have asked me at the height of my anxiety attacks, when my relationship-based anxiety was even affecting things like my job and family, if I thought my anxiety was a blessing I would have told you to kick rocks.
But now, when my anxiety attacks only come every few months, and last for minutes not hours, and the prickles of anxiety don’t consume my every thought, I feel differently.
I actually think of anxiety as a gift
As I mentioned before, my anxiety is mostly based in relationships. I have past relationship trauma -- when it came to things like my partner getting upset about something or feeling the need to make someone else happy, I came apart. And it was bad.
My kids saw it, my mom saw it, my partner saw it, and eventually, my boss saw it too. There came a point where I knew that I needed to change or I would forever be a slave to my fear.
I started out on a healing journey that completely transformed the way I thought about anxiety -- and any dense emotion, for that matter.
When I say dense emotions, I am referring to emotions that are not always easy to feel.
I like to think about emotions as candy
First of all, no candy is bad candy. Sure, there are some you like more than others but all candy is, in fact, candy.
Think of emotions like love and excitement as cotton candy; infinitely sweet and melting in your mouth. But emotions like fear and jealousy are akin to toffee; sticky and hard to chew, sometimes they even hurt your teeth.
Understanding that no emotions are bad emotions is only one piece of the puzzle. The other pieces come when you start to better understand what those "toffee" emotions are trying to tell you.
Dense emotions are a road map
They only come when you are triggered by one of three things: either a boundary, a past wound, or a value. And when you are triggered, you can actually begin to work on yourself and heal your past pain or establish solid boundaries.
When dense emotions arise, they are actually leading you towards something you can heal in your life.
If you didn’t have that dense emotion to guide you, you would not know what you needed to work on so there would be no way to continue to grow as a person.
On the surface it can seem like everything would be better if you just never had to overcome all that pain in the first place. But that is not life. Even the people who have never suffered through the kind of massive pain that we would typically think of as "trauma" have still experienced trauma and are affected by their wounds.
When you learn to heal you past wounds using your dense emotions to guide you, everything in your life begins to change. Not only do you grow but you also deepen your understanding of other people and their emotions.
The war against anxiety
If you are still trapped in the war against anxiety and just want to get out, I know how you feel. And trust me, I am in no way advocating you remain caught in that infernal battle. I am simply suggesting you start thinking of anxiety in a different way.
Start listening to what you are feeling because of whatever external triggering occurred and start to address those feelings.
The fear list
One of the quickest ways that I learned to start really exploring the blessing of anxiety is to make a list of all my fears.
You cannot slay a monster you don’t know you are fighting.
The first time I tried this I was shocked. The things that were causing me anxiety came out and I could actually name them.
Do you honestly know what you are fearing every time anxiety rears its ugly head?
Start with the fears everyone has, like spiders or being kidnapped, then dig deeper. Pour everything out onto the paper. You may be surprised to see what starts to come out as your mind gets more comfortable.
By doing this activity I learned that I actually feared all of my feelings. Thanks, in part, to this realization, this is no longer the case. Now when those dense emotions pop up I ask myself: where is this feeling coming from? What is the internal cause of this hurt? And then I chew the heck out of that toffee.
Military Dad Defends His 4 Little Daughters When Strangers Make This Rude Remark
Military Dad of 4 Daughters Defends His Girls When Strangers Make This Rude Remark
Austin von Letkemann is the military officer strangers feel "sorry" for — and the reason is infuriating.
Whenever the devoted father leaves the house with his four children, strangers can't help but notice the officer in uniform is holding hands with 4 adorable little girls. They will tell the traditionally "masculine" and "all American" dad they feel sorry for him, because he has no sons. This dad makes one thing very clear: They are his daughters, they aren't a burden.
In a passionate video, von Letkemann took to Instagram to share with his followers that the only thing that's "difficult" about being a girl dad — is clapping back to these sexist remarks over and over again.
They Mock His Daughters To Their Face
When strangers approach Austin von Letkemann and his four daughters, they don't always realize that their comments are being overheard. They seem oblivious to the fact that his girls understand every word. Von Letkemann describes how people will approach him and, without thinking, make remarks like "I'm sorry" or even joke about his lack of sons. What they don't realize is that these comments, intended to be light-hearted or humorous, can be deeply hurtful to his daughters. These strangers are not just disrespecting von Letkemann's choices as a father; they're also sending a message to his daughters that their presence is something to be pitied. It’s a message that von Letkemann won't stand for, and he's speaking out to defend his girls from these insensitive remarksSaying "Get Your Shotgun" Isn't Funny — It's Sexist
Another common comment that Austin von Letkemann encounters is the old "better get your shotgun ready" trope, often delivered with a smirk or a wink. This line is typically intended to suggest that a father with daughters should be on high alert to protect them from potential "suitors," implying that they are objects to be guarded rather than individuals with agency.
Von Letkemann finds this line of thinking outdated and sexist. In his viral Instagram video, he points out that these jokes are not just stale — they're damaging.
By suggesting that his daughters require armed protection, the joke reinforces the idea that women are inherently vulnerable and need to be shielded from men. Von Letkemann argues that instead of promoting this narrative, society should focus on teaching respect and consent, challenging these sexist tropes at their source.
Watch Austin von Letkemann's Video:
"If I Had A Fifth Child, I'd HOPE It Was A Girl" — One Dad's Message For Other Parents
Despite the constant remarks about his lack of sons, Austin von Letkemann is clear: He wouldn't trade his daughters for anything.
In fact, he told his Instagram followers that if he were to have a fifth child, he would hope for another girl. This declaration isn't just about doubling down on his pride in his family — it's a pointed response to those who see fathering daughters as a misfortune.
Von Letkemann's stance is a powerful one, rejecting the notion that a family is incomplete without sons. He encourages others to question the assumptions behind these comments and to appreciate the joy and fulfillment that his daughters bring. By sharing his story, von Letkemann hopes to create a more inclusive perspective on fatherhood, one that values daughters just as much as sons.