Close Ad

how to guide

Maladaptive Daydreams: How To Stop Getting Lost In The World of Imagination
Mental Health

Maladaptive Daydreams: How To Stop Getting Lost In The World of Imagination

There’s a stigma around zoning out. Whether missing parts of a conversation or not paying attention at school, drifting off into the land of daydreams isn’t socially acceptable. In recent years, the focus on mindfulness, and paying attention to the moment, reinforces this point: daydreaming is a distraction, undesirable, a way to disconnect from the present moment.RELATED: How to Focus: 12 Tips to Improve ConcentrationBut not all daydreaming is bad. Mind wandering has been linked with all sorts of positive benefits, from high creativity and intelligence. Zoning out from your immediate environment might zone you in on a powerful insight or problem-solving mindset. Creative geniuses from all fields, from philosophers to scientists, often land upon their biggest breakthroughs through daydreaming. Clearly, these are adaptive processes.The American Psychological Association defines its opposite, maladaptation, as “detrimental, counterproductive, or otherwise interfering with optimal functioning in various domains.” Maladaptive daydreaming describes daydreaming that has a negative impact on life. There’s growing recognition that many people, especially those with co-existing mental health conditions, experience maladaptive daydreams.Whether you’ve had an official diagnosis or you’d simply like to stop being carried away by your inner dreamworld at inconvenient times, this overview will guide you through the causes of maladaptive daydreams, and practical steps to stop.What Is Maladaptive Daydreaming?Maladaptive daydreaming, or daydreaming disorder, is a “compulsive fantasy activity characterized by immersive imagination and shifting of attention toward a rich inner world while neglecting social, occupational, and academic activities.” Research has linked maladaptive daydreaming with various mental health disorders, including anxiety, depression, schizophrenia, and ADHD. Despite gaining attention in the field of psychology, it’s not officially recognized as a psychiatric disorder by the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5). But that doesn't make it any less impactful. People who experience maladaptive daydreams often completely zone out, entering rich and complex fantasy worlds. They can be immersed in these worlds for hours at a time.Some experts explain maladaptive daydreaming as a coping mechanism linked to childhood trauma, as a form of disassociation, or detachment from reality. When a child’s environment feels unsafe or threatening, they may start to escape into their imagination, and continue this behavior into adulthood.Maladaptive daydreaming isn’t the same as straightforward mind wandering. In fact, a 2022 study in the Journal of Clinical Psychology called for maladaptive daydreaming to be recognized as a distinct disorder. Unlike the type of mind wandering that comes with ADHD, which can be creative or skillful, maladaptive daydreaming involves conscious absorption in rich fantasies.The Symptoms of Maladaptive DaydreamingProfessor Eli Somer, Ph.D, a trauma expert and one of the world’s leading researchers of maladaptive daydreaming, has proposed diagnostic criteria for maladaptive daydreams. Within the proposal, he outlines eight of the common symptoms:While daydreaming, experiences an intense sense of absorption/immersion that includes visual, auditory, or affective properties.Daydreaming is triggered, maintained, or enhanced with exposure to music.Daydreaming is triggered, maintained, or enhanced with exposure to stereotypical movement (e.g., pacing, rocking, hand movements).Often daydreams when feels distressed, or bored.Daydreaming intensity and length intensify in the absence of others (e.g., daydreams more when alone).Is annoyed when unable to daydream or when daydreaming is interrupted or curbed.Would rather daydream than engage in daily chores, social, academic, or professional activities.Has made repeated unsuccessful efforts to control, cut back, or stop daydreaming.To meet the criteria, someone has to have experienced two or more of these symptoms within a six-month period, including number one — immersion and absorption. Maladaptive daydreams create a sense of distress or impairment in daily living and are not caused by physiological changes (such as drug taking) or a mental health disorder that better explain the experience.Immersive daydreaming shares many of the traits of maladaptive daydreaming but doesn’t impair a person’s functioning. This is where the fine details become tricky — great works of literature or art require their creators to enter states of complete absorption, in order to bring forward imaginary ideas. The main quality of maladaptive daydreaming is how well a person can function.What Do Maladaptive Daydreamers Fantasize About?Many maladaptive dreamers develop an emotional attachment to the characters and events existing within their mind’s eye, which creates a feedback loop and keeps the cycle going. Somer’s research includes qualitative information on the nature of maladaptive dreamers. He categorizes five key themes of fantasy life:Violence: Tarantino-esque bloodshed and aggression.Idealized self: imagining scenarios where the maladaptive daydreamer is an “improved” or “ideal” version.Power and control: including dominating other people, or being in positions of authority.Captivity, rescue, and escape: involving either being imprisoned or rescuing others from abusers.Sexual arousal: far from normal fantasy, maladaptive daydreamers can spend hours and hours building complex scenarios or the ideal partner.Many of the cases cited in Somer’s work were dealing with complex trauma or historical abuse; that can’t be understated. However, the second theme, the idealized self, is of particular relevance to self-development. The image that comes to mind is a movie scene, where the high school “geek” fantasizes about having it all, being the alpha, or carrying out revenge, before snapping back to reality.Perhaps unsurprisingly, if you put these themes together (spare sexual arousal) and you have the elements of a superhero narrative, the pinnacle of collective fantasy. In another respect, the character Tyler Durden, from Fight Club, has all of these hallmarks — which makes sense, as the Narrator in Chuck Palaniuk’s story was experiencing regular dissociation and maladaptive daydreams.How to Stop Maladaptive DaydreamingFirst, we have to remember the golden rule of psychology — what we resist, persists. Trying to force maladaptive daydreams to stop can have the reverse effect, only serving to fuel their intensity. This is an additional risk because of their link to behavioral addiction and obsessive-compulsive disorder. The initial starting point is firstly to acknowledge daydreaming has become a problem and that you would like to change. Next, if excessive daydreaming is having a negative influence on your life, consider therapy to get professional support or treatment for maladaptive daydreaming. The disorder isn’t common knowledge, however, so you may have to point your therapist in the direction of some material, in order to share your experience.RELATED: How To Boost Your Dream Recall For Higher CreativityWith these points in mind, what are other practical steps that you can take to stop maladaptive daydreaming? At the risk of poor comparison, maladaptive daydreaming is, to some extent, similar to an eating disorder. If you’re addicted to drugs or alcohol, it’s possible to go cold turkey, to give up completely. But if your issue is food, you have to find a better balance, because you need food to survive. It becomes about changing your relationship, not removing the trigger.The same applies to maladaptive daydreaming. You don’t want to switch off your imagination — the chances are, your imagination contains many gifts! Instead, you want to focus on channeling the vivid mental imagery into healthy outlets, whilst tackling the core motivation for the mechanism to escape daily life.1. Start With Your PhysiologyThat involves getting proper sleep so you’re rested during the day, eating well so that you’re providing your body with healthy fuel, managing stress, working on relaxation, and exercising. You may also consider visiting a doctor to have a bodily MOT — checking for any deficiencies, or hormonal imbalances, in order to rule out biological problems that may be contributing to your experience.2. Inquire Into Underlying Defense MechanismsIf you want to stop maladaptive daydreaming, you have to understand what motivates you to start. The origin of the habit may be linked to childhood trauma; this is something that can’t be approached lightly and may need additional support. However, in the present moment, the here and now, you will be able to notice patterns and tendencies, common to all addictive behavior.When are you more likely to enter fantasy? Is it when you’re bored? When you’re stressed? When do you experience low self-esteem? If you gently enquire about the times when you’re more likely to engage, you may detect underlying mechanisms. Once you discover your “triggers,” you can better understand the mechanics of the experience.For example, if you experience low self-esteem, perhaps you imagine your idealized self who is able to do all the things you perceive yourself to be incapable of. If you feel exploited or powerless, you may fantasize about being a superhero, there to save the day. If you suppress anger or rage, you may experience violent imagery as a type of mental retribution. Get familiar with this, as this is the core issue that needs addressing.3. Explore Your Fantasies With CuriosityDo you create the fantasy, or does the fantasy choose you? Apologies for the philosophical take, but this is a rich area of exploration. Your imagination, like dreams, doesn’t happen by chance or randomness. The fantasies you engage with are encoded with deeper meaning, a way to guide you to psychological mechanisms that remain unseen or unhealed.Carl Jung, a pioneer of depth psychology, saw daydreams as an extension of the unconscious mind. For Jung, there were lessons contained within the contents. In Man and his Symbols, Jung writes: “Daydreams arise just because they connect a man with his complexes; at the same time they threaten the concentration and continuity of his consciousness.”In Jungian terms, a complex is “an unconscious organized set of memories, associations, fantasies, expectations, and behavior patterns or tendencies around a core element which is accompanied by strong emotions.” That means that the fantasies you engage in also show you where complexes lie.Part of this understanding requires some knowledge of symbolism and archetypes. Most of us are able to do this intuitively — explore your fantasies as you would deconstruct or analyze a piece of art, or a movie. What do the characters tell you? What did the director, or author, have in mind when it comes to the fantasy’s message?4. Integrate The DreamworldRemember, you can’t have a zero-tolerance policy to your imagination, but you can integrate it in a healthy way. Start to work with your inner life as a conscious component of your development and self-understanding. Start a regular journal practice, where you actively explore the fantasies existing within. Maladaptive daydreams aren’t a waste of time; they’re supportive of your psychological and emotional evolution.Part of integration is to discern when daydreams are unhealthy, and when they’re healthy. Are they solving problems, offering a creative exploration? Or are they being used as a form of escape? Equally, integration requires a level of mindfulness in order to practice keeping attention to the present moment.Think of this as a type of Jedi mind skill. Your mission is to get your daydreams under control, so you utilize them as a gift, and aren’t at their mercy, whilst channeling energy and attention into “the real world.” Find a balance between imagination and rational, pragmatic thinking. Find a sense of grounding in your daily life, and allow yourself to dream without completely floating away.5. Find a Creative OutletAgain, channeling is better than attempting to stop completely. So many things in life are a matter of perspective. Without minimizing the seriousness of maladaptive daydreams, your ability to create rich fantasy worlds, and the lucidity of your mental imagery, can be used in creative ways. Great creative work often comes from a sense of immersion in these worlds.That doesn’t mean you have to literally write stories, although that’s one potential outlet. You may paint, create music, take up improv, or do anything that allows you to bridge your inner world with the outer world. Don’t judge what contents exist within, but don’t mistake them for who you are, either.Through this process, as you slowly integrate, as you heal and put the daydreams into the appropriate context, you will arrive at a place of greater self-acceptance and connection to the world around you. The allure of daydreams will decrease, as will the desire to escape. And if the allure or desire is there, you’ll be able to find a healthy outlet for it.KEEP READING When Does Daydreaming Become A Problem?

How to Fall Asleep Fast (and Stay Asleep Longer, Too)
Mental Health

How to Fall Asleep Fast (and Stay Asleep Longer, Too)

This probably won’t come across as breaking news, but sleep is important. Like, as important as water, food and shelter. In fact, consistent, and quality, sleep can improve your mental health, and may actually prolong your life. That's why it's crucial to learn how to go to sleep fast, and stay asleep.Frustratingly for too many, falling asleep and enjoying proper sleep duration are much easier said than done. Fortunately, anyone can enjoy better sleep quality. However, you may need to work at it, because, when it comes to finding out how to fall asleep fast, practice pays.That’s right, you need to practice how to fall asleep. Admittedly, it may sound silly. After all, isn’t falling asleep as natural as walking or talking? But think of it like this: You had to practice to learn how to walk and talk properly, but have you ever practiced falling asleep?Don’t worry if the answer is no. That's because enough other people have developed methods that will not only help you to fall asleep faster, but to enjoy a restful sleep.Sleep Duration: How Many Hours of Sleep Do You Need?Photo by Andrea Piacquadio from PexelsWhat does "a good night’s rest" mean, anyway? In the simplest terms, it's a night where you fall asleep fast, and stay asleep for hours. If you wake before it’s time to get out of bed, you then fall back to sleep quickly (15 or 20 minutes, at most).The number of hours of sleep merit a closer look. According to scientific data reported by Health Line, the average adult between the ages of 18 to 64 needs between seven and nine hours of sleep each night. Kids need more, senior adults need less. And, frankly, almost none of us is getting enough.Figure Out How Many Hours of Sleep Makes YOU Feel GreatOf course, there's a bit of flex time. If you sleep only six and a half hours a night, yet feel great every day, then good for you. On the other hand, if you need the entirety of those nine hours to function properly when awake, no problem there. Getting healthy sleep means getting as much sleep as you need to feel rested and productive. It does not mean adhering to a strict guideline laid out by medical experts.That said, you have to figure out how much sleep you need. Pay attention to your own personal data, such as how much you slept on days you feel great. Then you can plan your bedtime around that number, reverse-engineering your routine based on wake-up time. That way you'll know you can always hit your number. Well, most of the time.Can’t Fall Asleep Quickly? It’s Probably Not a Sleep Disorder(Benjamin Torode/Getty)Remember how we talked about the need for practice? Your trouble falling asleep is probably due to a lack of practice, not because of some larger sleep issue. According to peer-reviewed studies reported by Sleep Advisor, only about 10 percent of U.S. adults suffer from chronic insomnia. That can become a medical concern, and require intervention from a professional. Chronic insomnia involves debilitating bad sleep on three or more nights out of a week in a cycle lasting three or more months.Are You Creating Your Own Obstacles to a Good Night's Sleep?The rest of us probably don't suffer from sleep disorders. Instead, we can’t fall asleep quickly enough because we’re not trying to fall asleep properly. Or else, because we have thrown up proverbial hurdles that are creating needless sleep problems. That said, up to 50 percent of American adults report at least occasional issues falling asleep and staying asleep. So, while the solutions may not be that difficult in the grand scheme of things, this is nevertheless an issue we need to fix.Thus, we’ll now move into the more specific discussion of ways to fall asleep fast. Practice one or two of these for a little while, and soon you’ll welcome bedtime each and every night.Three Methods You Can Practice to Help Fall Asleep FasterThere’s an old joke in the military that explains how soldiers can fall asleep so fast even in abjectly terrible conditions: “Carry a hundred pounds of gear up and down hills from sunrise to sunset, eating while you march, and occasionally dodging enemy bullets, and then crawl into a foxhole. You’ll be asleep in 10 seconds.”But don’t worry, that’s not the military method of falling asleep we’ll cover here. Instead, author Sharon Ackman points to a method developed by the U.S. Navy that has been proven to help people fall asleep rapidly.The Military Method for Falling Asleep Fast(James O'Neil / Getty)Here are the steps to the so-called military method of falling asleep fast:Lie down and get as comfortable as you can, then relax all of the muscles above your neck -- even your tongueRelease all tension in your shoulders, arms and handsExhale steadily and fully, relaxing your chest musclesRelax your legs, working down -- so, thighs, then calves, then ankles and feetClear your mind by picturing a comforting, easily visualized scene – think an empty beach or crackling fireSlowly repeat the words “don’t think” for about 10 secondsIf you’re not asleep after that, do those simple steps again. And again. Then back off, and try again the next night. And the next. It will take a few weeks, but if you stick with it, you will fall asleep faster than ever before.Progressive Muscle Relaxation for Falling Asleep FastNot feeling the military way to fall asleep fast? Or maybe you simply want a second tactic. Then using a progressive muscle relaxation approach can work. Also called a body scan, it's essentially a type of mindfulness meditation or sleep improvement. It relaxes your body (go figure) while also bringing your mind into the present moment, calming thoughts that may be rushing in.To do a progressive body scan relaxation, follow these steps:Lie comfortably, ideally, flat on your back, arms at sidesStart at the top of your head and consciously relax the muscles there, letting your forehead muscles loosen, the muscles in your jaw and mouth, and your tongueMove, mentally speaking, to your neck and shoulders, letting all of those muscles relaxNow pick a side of your body, and assuming you started with the left, work down – let the muscles in your left arm and hand relax, your left pectoral, release your abs (this will be more of a core relaxation, don’t get hung up on left abs!), then your left thigh, left calf, and on down to the toesRepeat the same shoulder down relaxation on the right side, again noting which muscles you are relaxing as you go, going as slowly as you canAssuming you are still awake at the end of this process, focus on staying relaxed and keep your thinking clear by putting all of your attention on your bodyYou can move down the body evenly during a body scan relaxation, meaning both arms, legs and so on at once. However, by separating the halves of yourself, you will allow for greater focus, and you will use a bit more time, which means more time spent relaxing into slumber.The 4-7-8 Breathing Method for Falling AsleepDr. Andrew Weil, a Harvard-educated physician with noted health and wellness expertise, developed this unique method for helping people to fall asleep fast. With practice, it works. Why? Because the steps involved slow and calm the nervous system, essentially tricking (or easing) your body into thinking you were about to fall asleep anyway.Here is Weil’s method, and note that as with all of these approaches, some practice may be needed.Rest the tip of your tongue against the ridge of your mouth, just behind your upper teethExhale all of the air in your lungs through your mouth, breathing out forcefully enough to make an airflow soundClose your mouth and breathe in through your nose for a four-second count, hold the breath for a seven-second count, then exhale again with enough force to make an audible breath noise, but steadily now, exhaling for eight seconds (you may need to practice this exhalation to get the timing right)Repeat the same breath cycle (in for four, hold for seven, out for eight, e.g.) four times total, then pause and breathe normally for a bit before repeating it, and repeat until you are asleep or want to give your sleep practice a rest for the night.Casual Tips That Can Help You Fall Asleep FasterPhoto by cottonbro from PexelsIf the military method for falling asleep, a mindful meditation session, or breathing exercises aren’t your cup of tea, no problem. There are plenty of other techniques you can use that will help you to fall asleep fast.Try to Stay Awake - Seriously, It Will Trick Your BodyThe first, ironically, is to try to stay awake. Provided you are at least somewhat tired, and you can lie in bed awake without your mind starting to race through thoughts, then trying to stay awake is a bit of reverse psychology. Turn out the lights, and turn on the fan or the white-noise machine (whatever your typical routine is). Get into bed, and get comfortable. But don’t close your eyes. Instead, keep them open and try to keep your mind alert -- but without specific thoughts to distract you.Your body, knowing it’s time for you to fall asleep, will start to override your mind. You may well feel your lids shutting almost unbidden. With a little luck (and better still, with a little practice) it will suddenly be morning, and you’ll feel fresh and ready to roll. Read Before Bed (But DON'T Watch TV or Browse Online)(Catherine Delahaye/Getty)Watching TV before bed? Very bad. However, reading before bed can be a great way to relax into slumber that will be of genuine sleep quality. Just make sure you're not reading on a screen (phone, tablet, etc.). Sit up while you read, and don’t lie down until your book (or magazine or paper) is on the nightstand and you are ready to fall asleep. Make sure to set down the reading material as soon as your eyes start growing heavy. If you try to finish a chapter, or even a page, despite the fatigue, you may miss the chance for rapid sleep onset. That's because your body thinks you are trying to stay up, and resets itself. Don’t fight to stay awake, even if the book is gripping. In other words, the story will still be waiting for you tomorrow. Oh, and don’t read something related to work. That is going to stress you out, and be counterproductive. Work will be waiting for you after that quality sleep that’s coming, too.Listen to Soothing Music, But Without HeadphonesListening to pleasant, soothing music is also a great way to ease yourself into asleep quickly. That doesn’t mean it needs to be all-instrumental or "New Age." Just select music isn't too upbeat or bass-heavy. Also, keep the volume low. Don’t wear earbuds or headphones, either. They can be jostled uncomfortably, and wake you up. Even worse, they can end up creating danger if a piece of hardware gets lodged in an ear or an airway. Stick to a speaker. And if you can set the music to turn off automatically sometime after you fall asleep, that’s ideal.What to Avoid if You Want to Fall Asleep QuicklyPhoto by Monstera from PexelsYou surely know the basic (common sense) things to avoid when you are trying to improve sleep quality: caffeine, screens that put off blue light, and, if at all possible, a racing mind. But there are a few others you should pass on prior to your bedtime routine that may seem a bit counterintuitive.Warm Baths or ShowersFor example, many people find a nighttime warm bath or shower relaxing. However, they can have the opposite effect than what you need to fall asleep faster. The warm water raises your body temperature just when you need it to be falling. If you really need that bedtime bath or shower, at least end with cool water so you can start the cool-down process that helps you fall asleep faster once you hit the mattress.Working Out Before BedtimeWhile strenuous exercise earlier in the day can lead to better sleep at night, because your body will be in need of the rest. However, do not exercise close to bedtime. By working out, you will speed up your nervous system and warm up your body. Neither of those is conducive to falling asleep well. Also, you’ll need to shower off, which, as we just noted can, throw a wrench in the whole sleep program.Eating Close to BedtimeAs confirmed by countless academic, medical associations and peer-reviewed journals, it’s also a good idea to avoid eating close to bedtime. The digestive process can keep you awake. This is especially true with heavily fibrous and spicy foods. Your best bet is a healthy, hearty dinner eaten well before you begin your bedtime routine.Drinking Alcohol Before BedIf you want productive, deep sleep, skip alcohol before bedtime as well. Sure, booze may make you fall asleep fast, but your sleep quality will be lousy, and you’ll likely wake up in the middle of the night. Plus, good luck feeling well-rested in the morning. A Better Bedtime Beckons(10'000 Hours/Getty)Regardless of which approach you choose to work toward falling asleep faster, know that a better night's sleep is not only possible -- it’s coming. You may not nod off in 10 seconds the first night, or the fourth, or the 14th. But even before you have mastered one or more of the sleep techniques covered here, they will begin to help you drift off faster.What You Put Into Your Sleep Routine Will Pay Off in Your Waking HoursAnd the work you put in before sleep each night will be worth the effort during your waking hours. You will have more energy, your mood will improve, you will be better able to focus, and you’ll get more done, from work to hobbies to fitness.Simply put, with more productive sleep, you will be a more productive person. You’ve got what it takes to make this happen.KEEP READING: What Is the Optimal Amount of Sleep?

5 Signs You’re in a Toxic Relationship, and What Steps To Take Next
Heartbreak

5 Signs You’re in a Toxic Relationship, and What Steps To Take Next

Out of all the areas of development, relationships are the hardest to navigate. Finding common ground with two or more people, with competing needs, perspectives, desires, cognitive distortions, fears, and anxieties, is a complex challenge. Unlike meditation, reframing thoughts, or working on limiting beliefs, another person is unpredictable, and to an extent, mysterious.RELATED: Transactional Relationships: Toxic or a Necessary Evil?Factor in unrealistic fantasies of perfection portrayed in the media, and dysfunctional dynamics that have been normalized, and knowing whether a relationship is healthy or toxic isn’t straightforward. What’s the correct balance, between unhealthy or even abusive dynamics, and a reasonable approach to healthy conflict or human imperfection? This article will explore the nature of toxic relationships, putting them in the correct context, before offering guidance on what you can do if you believe your relationship is toxic.Please note: this article will explore grey areas of human behavior without offering black-or-white conclusions. Conflict happens. People mess up. But emotional or physical abuse, the crossing of boundaries, or harmful behavior never has to be tolerated.What Is a Toxic Relationship?Toxic relationships are the result of people interacting in ways that are unhealthy or damaging. The "toxic" speaks to the unique chemistry that seems to create tension or conflict. It doesn’t mean either person is fundamentally bad or wrong (no person is “toxic”) but it explains dynamics that can cause harm. Psychologist and communication expert Lillian Glass coined the term toxic relationship in her book Toxic People, which was released in 1995. Her definition is:“Any relationship [between people who] don’t support each other, where there’s conflict and one seeks to undermine the other, where there’s competition, where there’s disrespect and a lack of cohesiveness.”Although Glass was a psychologist, "toxic relationship" is a colloquial term for unhealthy relationships. Glass’ descriptions are nuanced. But as is often the case when psychological theories become mainstream, the term has become over-simplified and overused. As a result, there’s a risk the label can cause people to jump to conclusions, or dismiss relationships just because they don’t fit a certain expectation.Is a Toxic Relationship an Abusive Relationship?Because a toxic relationship isn’t a diagnosis or “official” term, there’s room for interpretation. Many of the traits of toxic relationships qualify as abusive. But healthy conflict can be mislabelled as toxic, too. There are differences between healthy, unhealthy, and abusive relationships. Healthy relationships include mutual respect, trust, and honesty. Unhealthy relationships include dishonesty and mistrust. Abusive relationships demonstrate controlling behavior and physical or emotional abuse.Unhealthy relationships can become healthy if you’re committed to forming a long-lasting, fulfilling relationship. Dysfunction, if acknowledged, can be overcome. Anyone has the potential to slip into “toxic” forms of behavior, and it doesn’t mean the relationship itself is doomed. It’s important to discern between moments of toxicity, or whether the relationship is incompatible at its core.A truly toxic relationship is one that is harmful, abusive, or simply unpleasant. In most cases, the solution is to end the relationship (we’ll explore this in more detail later) for the benefit of everyone involved — studies have found difficult social relationships can lead to inflammation, depression, high blood pressure, diabetes, and heart disease. Traits such as passive aggression and betrayal are also linked to negative mental health.Toxic Relationships and Karmic RelationshipsMany karmic relationships have the potential for toxic behavior. That’s because these “fated” relationships bring two people together with the purpose of spiritual growth (especially twin flame relationships). These dynamics often have “compatible” patterns of behavior that, if handled consciously, can catalyze both people's development. However, for growth to occur, you must first see limiting or negative patterns or become aware of unprocessed trauma. Without conscious effort or willingness to take responsibility, these relationships can become emotionally draining. "Fate" isn't an excuse to engage in turbulent or cyclical dynamics.5 Signs You’re In a Toxic RelationshipPerhaps a more accurate description is “signs your relationship demonstrates toxic behavior” — remember, anyone can slip into this type of behavior. What matters is the willingness to look at these behaviors, and the desire to change. Approach these signs not like a checklist to affirm or deny whether your relationship is toxic, but to gauge where the relationship needs work.1. The Relationship Makes You Feel Bad ConsistentlyAfter spending time with this person consistently you feel drained, or on edge, or “off” in a way you can’t quite put your finger on. All relationships go through ups and downs. But with toxic relationships, the downs far outweigh the ups. Glass notes that when a relationship lacks joy, it’s a big indicator that it is toxic. Other indicators include regular anxiety, anger, or sadness.2. The Relationship Lacks Support Why build social bonds with people? We’re all in this together, and relationships are about mutual support. It’s unreasonable to expect unwavering support, 24/7, but toxic relationships fundamentally lack support most of the time. They may be competitive rather than collaborative. Competition isn’t always bad. If done with good intentions, it can be inspiring or supportive (for example, two work colleagues spurring each other on during a game of squash). But if the entire framework of the relationship centers around competition, it can lead to feelings of comparison, jealousy, and envy, ahead of support.3. There’s Little Authenticity or EmpathyAny relationship where you struggle to be authentic is questionable. Consider, what is it in the dynamic that causes you to hide? Are you afraid of judgment or ridicule? Toxic relationships tend to be high in judgment and low in empathy. In a healthy, supportive relationship, any decent person would want to avoid upsetting someone they care for. In toxic relationships, there’s a lack of empathy or respect for one or both people involved. That includes little attempt to understand the other, see their point of view, or accommodate their needs.4. Communication Is HostileToxic relationships are full of blame. One or both people may consistently point out flaws or faults in the other, without taking responsibility for their role or shortcomings. A lack of communication is the root of all conflict, and toxic relationships are likely built upon a foundation of suppression, avoidance, or a lack of honesty.Poor communication, a lack of boundaries, and the suppression of difficult feelings can fuel mutual feelings of resentment and bitterness in toxic relationships. That leads to passive aggression or even ridicule.5. The Relationships Is Based On Mind GamesRather than being seen as equal, toxic relationships are based on manipulative behavior, or a desire to control. This is usually a combination of the early points of blame, a lack of accountability, and poor communication. That can lead to power plays, mind games, and all sorts of unhealthy dynamics.What to Do if You’re in a Toxic RelationshipNo relationship is perfect. Relationships aren’t fixed or set in stone, they’re constantly evolving and changing, and require attention and care to improve. If you’re in a toxic relationship, you still have options. If you and your partner, or friend, are able to take accountability and express a desire to grow, then there is space to move closer and closer from unhealthy, to healthy.RELATED: Why Setting Relationship Goals Is Important – And How to Do ItBefore writing the relationship off, here are steps you can take to transform from toxic to healing. It’s crucial that both people make the effort to work on whatever the “toxic” traits are. If this relationship is one-sided, it’s less likely to succeed. But together, it can become a huge opportunity for growth.1. Acknowledge IssuesThe first step is to accept the nature of the relationship. It’s easier to live in denial, to pretend things aren’t so bad. But without seeing issues clearly, it’s difficult to find solutions. This step requires a healthy dose of compassion for both people involved. If at this point blame or judgment arises, have compassion for that, too.2. ForgiveIt’s impossible to move on and fix a toxic relationship if there isn’t some element of forgiveness. Big arguments, passive-aggressive comments, or regular heartbreak all build barriers of resentment or mistrust. Forgiveness is the antidote. Remember, this isn’t the same as condoning unhealthy behavior. But it does mean setting the intention to forgive and let go of resentments in order to heal.3. Explore Issues Through Non-Violent Communication If there are resentments and tension in the relationship, there’s a risk of blame, judgment, name-calling, or other messy forms of communication. It’s likely these dysfunctional ways of relating — even if only surfacing during stress or upset — are present and habitual. Overcoming this damaging form of communication requires the intention to be honest, open, and respectful when addressing issues.4. Set BoundariesEach of you requires clarity on what is or isn’t tolerable. You have to express this, keeping non-violent communication in mind. You may decide forms of behavior that are not tolerable, from either side. This starts the process of avoiding the normalization of unhealthy or damaging forms of communication. For example, you may agree that if either person swears or name-call, the conversation will end.This is a litmus test for the future of the relationship. If both people are able to acknowledge boundaries, it shows there is a sense of mutual respect. If someone dismisses boundaries and continues to cross them, the next step is to consider ending the relationship completely.Setting boundaries to fix a toxic relationship also involves mutually beneficial changes in the dynamic, such as agreeing to spend less time together or adjusting expectations. For example, you may notice that when both people have been drinking, the likelihood of arguing is higher, so you decide to drink less.5. Take It SlowCertain patterns of behavior may be deeply ingrained. If there’s a mutual desire to heal, patience is essential as the relationship undergoes transformation. There might be mishaps or slip-ups, but if the quality of the relationship is moving in the right direction, this can be navigated. A zero-tolerance policy will add a lot of pressure and a sense of unforgivingness. A consistent growth policy, however, will encourage both people to constantly try and do better.Naturally, if some behaviors or interactions are damaging to your mental health or well-being, you may have less space for patience, which is also okay. That’s where boundaries around tolerable or intolerable behavior will help.How To End a Toxic RelationshipWhat if there’s a lack of willingness to try? Or fixing the relationship is beyond what both of you are capable of? Glass succinctly summarizes the approach to fixing a toxic relationship. “I really am a firm believer that you have to try to work everything out and understand why the person is toxic,” Glass told Time. “You may be able to live with it — but on the other hand, you may not. [If you can’t], you’ve got to get out of it. We have to not put ourselves in that position.”It’s worthwhile to understand why the relationship is toxic. As mentioned above, putting all the focus on a “toxic person” overlooks your role. But the message remains the same. If you’ve explored the toxic elements and gained understanding and clarity, you then have a choice: fix it or leave. If you’re considering staying in the relationship, reflect on the reasons why. Is this genuine? Or motivated by a fear of uncertainty or a sense of obligation?Consider the Cost of Not LeavingA study by the University of Ontario found 18 percent of people stayed in unhealthy relationships due to fears of being single. Further research has linked low self-esteem with staying committed to unhealthy relationships, notably due to “perceiving poor alternatives.” But whatever you choose, make a commitment to either have the courage to end the relationship, or move towards a healthy way or relating. The latter isn’t easy. In Ready To Heal, psychologist Kelly McDaniel writes:“The energy it takes to endure withdrawal [to an addictive or toxic relationship] is equivalent to working a full-time job. Truthfully, this may be the hardest work you’ve ever done. In addition to support from people who understand your undertaking, you must keep the rest of your life simple. You need rest and solitude.”In ConclusionTo recap, there’s no such thing as a toxic person. Toxic relationships are a matter of dynamics, and what is more important than labeling is to discern whether the relationship is unhealthy, healthy, or abusive. From this place, it makes it easier for you to make a decision — do you want to continue, to try and heal? Or is it time to get out of the toxic relationship?In this article, we’ve covered a lot of the nuances, from the way in which labeling can be an avoidance of responsibility, to the beliefs that keep people stuck in unhealthy relationships. All relationships experience conflict from time to time; it comes with the territory of having two individuals with different wants, needs, behaviors, and sensitivities.The occasional mishap is forgivable. Periods of difficulty don’t signal the end. But we all deserve supportive, respectful, loving relationships. You deserve this. So if you feel in your heart of hearts that a relationship is toxic and unhealthy, one of the best acts of self-care is to take action, face the facts, and consider if it’s time to call it quits.KEEP READING Discussion v.s Debate: The Secret of Interpersonal Communication

What Is a Sapiosexual? 6 Signs You’re Attracted to Intelligence
Relationships

What Is a Sapiosexual? 6 Signs You’re Attracted to Intelligence

A chiseled jawline. Well-defined abs. Full lips. The hourglass figure. No matter which way you swing, when it comes to sexual attraction, there are certain cliches that stand out in terms of qualities people look for. Those mentioned are, admittedly, superficial. But beyond an obsession with physical appearance lies an attraction to the mind. Someone who finds intelligence sexually attractive is termed a “sapiosexual."Rooted in the Latin “sapere,” sapiosexual wasn't added to the Merriam-Webster dictionary until 2020. The concept is integrated into society, however; some dating apps offer it as a clickable preference. (In 2014, OkCupid listed sapiosexual as an option when choosing sexual orientation and mate preferences.) But what’s behind the trend? Does the thought of intelligent conversation turn you on? Are you sexually attracted to someone who prefers reading books to hitting nightclubs? Are you a sapiosexual person, and is sapiosexuality truly on par with other sexual orientations?What Is Sapiosexual Preference? Talk Nerdy to MeSapiosexuality is being “sexually attracted to highly intelligent people." It speaks to those who view intelligence as the most important trait. The term's Latin root, sapien (the same as Homo sapien), means wise or intelligent.In 2019, Marlène Schiappa, France's minister for equality, described herself as sapiosexual, and singer Mark Ronson apologized for “coming out” as sapiosexual during a TV interview. That same year, OkCupid decided to remove the option from its app.Why the uproar? Sapiosexual people self-identify. And, as with most online trends, it is more superficial than meets the eye. What's more, sapiosexuality has been criticized for its potential to be ableist or discriminatory, and that it’s a sexual preference, rather than a sexual orientation.The Controversy of Sapiosexuality as a Sexual IdentityPhoto by Toa Heftiba on UnsplashThe language to describe sexual orientations has evolved. In addition to the traditional labels of heterosexuality, homosexuality and bisexuality, there are a multitude of orientations, most added within the past decade. They include:Pansexual: attraction not related to sex or gender identityDemisexual: sexually attracted to someone based on emotional connectionAsexual: someone who doesn’t experience sexual attractionAndrogynosexual: attraction to someone with an androgynous appearanceThese sexual identities go beyond desires or fleeting experiences. Although, in the past, different sexual interests wouldn’t define someone’s identity, the trend is growing. “The model of sexuality as an inborn thing has become so prevalent that people want to say ‘this is how I feel, so perhaps I will constitute myself in a particular way and understand this as an identity’,” William Wilkerson, a philosophy professor at the University of Alabama-Huntsville, told Quartz in 2018.That can result in “identifying” with preferences, or seeing certain qualities as part of a wider personality. It’s not easy to define intelligence, either. Is sapiosexuality related only to academic achievement or intelligence in fields of science, literature or math? And what about other forms of intelligence, like emotional or creative?Online quizzes add to sapiosexuality's problematic nature. Questions on sites like BuzzFeed ask readers whether they’re "repulsed by the idea of having sex with someone who had never gone to college, or had no interest in higher education." With that in mind, it's best to take the term with a pinch of salt. But that doesn’t mean a sexual attraction to intelligence isn’t a reality for many people.The Psychology of Sexual AttractionPhoto by Pavel Danilyuk from PexelsThe first scientific study into sapiosexuality were published in 2018 in the Intelligence journal. Although most people look for intelligence in a partner, the study found that a small percentage reported sexual arousal to high degrees of intelligence. In ranking desirability in a partner, intelligence was second, behind “kind and understanding,” and ahead of “exciting personality” and “easygoing.”Interestingly, the desirability of smart people reached a peak with an IQ of 120 (people smarter than 90 percent of the population). And it dropped between 120 and 135 (people smarter than 99 percent of the population. In other words, according to the study, there's a limit to the connection between attraction and intelligence. An ability to quote Nietzche or to wax lyrical about sociopolitical issues might be a turn-on, but being a misunderstood genius? Maybe not so much in the same way.Again, human attraction is complex. Certain animals are sexually attracted by certain traits, but human attraction includes multiple factors, including intellectual curiosity. Yes, it involves physicality, along with biological cues like pheromones — chemical signals that are detected unconsciously. Still, we’re the only species attracted to personality traits.The Difference Between Attraction and Romantic Love There's a distinction between attraction, intimacy and romantic love, too. “Probably the most unexpected discovery, and the one that really changed my own thinking, was the fact that sexual orientation doesn’t necessarily ‘orient’ one’s capacity for romantic love,” psychologist Lisa Diamond told the Association for Psychological Science. She adds:“In my research. I found that lesbian women sometimes fell in love with their close male friends, even when they weren’t attracted to them, and heterosexual women sometimes fell in love with female friends. I soon found that this has been true throughout human history, and it led me to investigate the biobehavioral independence of sexual desire and romantic attachment.”Lisa DiamondAroused By Intellectual Conversation?Why is that relevant? There are different types of intimacy, and not all are sexual. The common forms include emotional intimacy, physical intimacy, spiritual intimacy and, of course, connecting on an intellectual level. That means intellectual intimacy can be enjoyed and experienced. But what makes a sapiosexual different is that intellectual intimacy, or even witnessing intelligence, leads to arousal.The emphasis, here, is sexual attraction. To put this in context, other types of identities may be drawn to certain traits, such as intelligence, as a form of attraction or intrigue, without the sexual dimension being involved. For sapiosexuals, however, talk of quantum theory of reinterpretations of French Renaissance poetry is as good as foreplay.Signs That You’re Sexually Attracted to Intelligence“Like any sexual orientation or preference, [sapiosexuality] exists on a spectrum,” Dr. Tari Mack, a psychologist and relationship expert, told Bustle in 2015. “Some sapiosexuals are purely attracted to people based on their intelligence and some find it simply one of the most attractive qualities in a potential partner.” So, how do you tell the difference? How do you know if intelligence is part of your sexual preference, or if you’re a fan of intellectual intimacy? Here are a few signs to look out for.1. Deep Conversation Is a Turn-OnSmall talk probably won’t cut it, at least not if it’s the default with your romantic partner. The desire for intellectual intimacy and deep conversation is common, but if you’re sapiosexual, intellectual conversations with a smart person is essentially an aphrodisiac. That involves sharing yourself through conversation, but also through the way you feel while witnessing your partner talk. Does their articulation draw you in?2. Intellect Is More Important Than Physical AppearanceIt’s difficult to place concrete categories or hierarchies of attraction. That said, for sapiosexuals, intelligence is a priority of attraction. That doesn’t mean physical appearances aren’t important. But someone who displays a high level of intelligence may catch your attention, even if they don’t look the way you may have envisioned.That point has drawn some criticism. In a fairly unforgiving take, Rajvi Desai wrote in The Swaddle, “[Sapiosexuality] is [...] a trait that’s less about a peculiar attraction to intelligence in others, and more about staunchly positioning oneself as someone not swayed by conventionally beautiful people, or not looking to have a mindless one-night stand.”Harsh words, but helpful guidance. It's tempting to feel above certain primal desires, attaching to the idea of only being attracted to intelligence. Being able to discern between ego-based superiority, or dating-app posturing, and a genuine attraction to intelligence, helps to reveal where your true sexual desires reside.3. Your Dating Rituals Center Around Intellectual Stimulation(Tetra Images / Getty)Favor poetry slams over picnics? Prefer browsing someone’s bookshelf to scrolling through their Instagram photos? Your dating rituals provide insight into your level of sapiosexuality. If your idea of a good time involves an environment that is intellectually stimulating, it says a lot about your attraction. That’s not to say fun is off the table (these activities are fun, for those who enjoy them). But there’s a certain level of importance when it comes to bonding.A sapiosexual will want to bond in a way that prioritizes intellectual stimulation. However, there can be a mix, too. And it’s not necessarily the only way you will court a potential suitor.4. Building Rapport Includes Sharing Intellectual LikesIn addition to dating, when two people get to know each other, they find common ground on which to build a connection. For sapiosexuals, a large part of the bonding process will involve recommending books, art or music. It’s a way to display intellectual flair. Conversely, receiving well-thought-out recommendations can be a powerful way to discover deeper levels of compatibility.5. You Appreciate a Partner Who Is Self-AwareLike all things, even the topic of sapiosexuality circles back to self-development. One reason sapiosexuality is so difficult to define is that intelligence itself is difficult to define. It depends somewhat on perspective. According to a famous quote, usually attributed to Albert Einstein, "Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.”There are many forms of intelligence. Self-awareness and emotional intelligence are one; you may find yourself attracted to a partner who is willing to learn and grow. That doesn’t only mean reading or gaining knowledge, but also working to create a deeper understanding of communication and human interaction. When it comes to relational harmony, it doesn’t get more intelligent than that.6. Your Level of Attraction Grows Over TimeHumans are infinitely rich. The process of “getting to know someone” is never-ending. Even couples that have been together for decades can learn new insights about each other. For sapiosexuals, that's great news. It means attraction levels continue to build as you get to better understand someone’s mind.Physical attraction doesn’t have to be superficial. However, it can fade, especially after the honeymoon period. When sexual attraction is linked to multiple areas, you’re more likely to keep the fire burning, and keep the passion alive.In ConclusionWhat purpose does all of this serve? Considering the controversy around the term sapiosexual, and the debate surrounding whether it's an orientation or a preference, it's best to use this knowledge skillfully. It comes down to self-awareness. Whether you're on the dating scene or looking to deepen understanding and intimacy with a current partner, having an idea of your own likes and dislikes allows you to communicate what you need, and what works for you.If you realize you have a strong attraction to intelligence, it’s something not to overlook, especially if that is a deal-breaker. Get practical, and consider the ways in which you can invite this into your romantic life: Participate in a book club with your partner, or look for new lovers who explicitly display an interest in intellectual pursuits you enjoy.Keep in mind, though, Cupid’s arrow is largely mysterious. You can’t plan to whom you're attracted. What's more, it's likely what attracts you will evolve over time. So, above trying to identify qualities, or creating rigid labels about who, or what, attracts you, remain true to yourself. And from that source of truth, you’re much more likely to experience true attraction, and deep love, as the rest of the jigsaw pieces fall into place.KEEP READING Demisexuality: When Emotional Bonds Are Essential For Sexual Attraction

Everything You Need to Know About the Enneagram Personality Test
Self-Development

Everything You Need to Know About the Enneagram Personality Test

To learn more about yourself generally leads to self-improvement.However, most such opportunities for self-improvement can’t be controlled because they are usually tied to a life experience.It’s like a sound wave bouncing around a room. We can’t see the room– ourselves– but every time the wave bounces off a surface– an experience– we gain information about that area of the room. The more things we experience, the more we learn about ourselves.But there are other good ways to learn more about ourselves. One of the most effective is to take personality tests based on the latest scientific research, which range from IQ tests to emotional intelligence ones.One of the best personality tests ever created is The Enneagram personality test.Personality is to a man what perfume is to a flower.– Charles M. SchwabWhat is the Enneagram personality test?The Riso-Hudson Enneagram Type Indicator, RHETI, or simply Enneagram personality test, was created by the Enneagram Institute as a way to categorize the major personality types which are formed in children around the age of five years old (and then further developed, but never fully changed, after that).“From one point of view, the Enneagram can be seen as a set of nine distinct personality types, with each number on the Enneagram denoting one type.It is common to find a little of yourself in all nine of the types, although one of them should stand out as being closest to yourself. This is your basic personality type,” according to Enneagraminstitute.com.However, your own personality isn’t so simple. Every person, the institute explains, has “wings” or associated personality types:"No one is a pure personality type: everyone is a unique mixture of his or her basic type and usually one of the two types adjacent to it on the circumference of the Enneagram. One of the two types adjacent to your basic type is called your wing."Personality types with similarities were designed specifically to cluster together (or cross, in some cases), so your own personality will likely be more of an "area" or shape on the Enneagram spectrum. However, we all have one dominant Enneagram personality type.The 9 Enneagram personality typesThe nine official Enneagram personality types are:1. The ReformerReformers are rational idealists. They’re principled, purposeful, self-controlled, and perfectionists. They have a strong sense of right and wrong and tend to be crusaders for a cause.Positive qualities: Wise, discerning, realistic, and noble. Can be morally heroic.Basic Fear: Of being corrupt/evil, defectiveBasic Desire: To be good, to have integrity, to be balancedKey motivations: Want to be right, to strive higher and improve everything, to be consistent with their ideals, to justify themselves, to be beyond criticism so as not to be condemned by anyone.Other Reformers: Confucius, Plato, Joan of Arc, Mahatma Gandhi, Nelson Mandela, Martha Stewart, Meryl Streep2. The HelperHelpers are the caring, empathetic, and interpersonal type. They’re generous, people-pleasing, and can also be possessive.Positive qualities: Unselfish and altruistic, they have unconditional love for others.Basic fear: Of being unwanted, unworthy of being lovedBasic desire: To feel lovedKey motivations: Want to be loved, to express their feelings for others, to be needed and appreciated, to get others to respond to them, to vindicate their claims about themselves.Other Helpers: Bishop Desmond Tutu, Eleanor Roosevelt, Stevie Wonder, Barry Manilow, Dolly Parton3. The AchieverAchievers are very driven, success-oriented, pragmatic types. They’re adaptable, image-conscious, and tend to be energetic.Positive qualities: Self-accepting, authentic, everything they seem to be—role models who inspire others.Basic fear: Of being worthlessBasic desire: To feel valuable and worthwhileKey motivations: Want to be affirmed, to distinguish themselves from others, to have attention, to be admired, and to impress others.Other Achievers: Arnold Schwarzenegger, Muhammad Ali, Oprah Winfrey, Tony Robbins, Michael Jordan, Elvis Presley, Madonna4. The IndividualistIndividualists are sensitive, introspective types. They’re expressive, dramatic, self-absorbed, and temperamental. They’re very self-aware and emotionally honest people.Positive qualities: Inspired and highly creative, they are able to renew themselves and transform their experiences.Basic fear: That they have no identity or personal significanceBasic desire: To find themselves and their significance (to create an identity)Key motivations: Want to express themselves and their individuality, to create and surround themselves with beauty, to maintain certain moods and feelings, to withdraw to protect their self-image, to take care of emotional needs before attending to anything else.Other Individualists: Edgar Allan Poe, Virginia Woolf, Frida Kahlo, Judy Garland, Bob Dylan, Stevie Nicks, Prince, Johnny Depp5. The InvestigatorInvestigators are intense, focused types. They’re very perceptive, innovative, secretive, and can be isolated. They have the ability to concentrate effectively on a task and come up with creative solutions.Positive qualities: Visionary pioneers, often ahead of their time, and able to see the world in an entirely new way.Basic fear: Being useless, helpless, or incapableBasic desire: To be capable and competentKey motivations: Want to possess knowledge, to understand the environment, to have everything figured out as a way of defending the self from threats from the environment.Other Investigators: Albert Einstein, Stephen Hawking, Emily Dickinson, Stephen King, Bill Gates, Jane Goodall, Jodie Foster6. The LoyalistLoyalists are committed and security-oriented types. They’re engaging, responsible, anxious, and suspicious. They’re also very hardworking and responsible.Positive qualities: Internally stable and self-reliant, courageously championing themselves and others.Basic fear: Of being without support and guidanceBasic desire: To have security and supportKey motivations: Want to have security, to feel supported by others, to have certitude and reassurance, to test the attitudes of others toward them, to fight against anxiety and insecurity.Other Loyalists: Mark Twain, Sigmund Freud, Malcolm X, Diana, Princess of Wales, J.R.R. Tolkien, Bruce Springsteen, Spike Lee7. EnthusiastEnthusiasts are busy, spontaneous-types. They’re versatile, acquisitive, and can be scattered. They tend to be extroverts and are very optimistic and playful.Positive qualities: They focus their talents on worthwhile goals, becoming appreciative, joyous, and satisfied.Basic fear: Of being deprived and in painBasic desire: To be satisfied and content—to have their needs fulfilledKey motivations: Want to maintain their freedom and happiness, to avoid missing out on worthwhile experiences, to keep themselves excited and occupied, to avoid and discharge pain.Other Enthusiasts: The 14th Dalai Lama, Galileo Galilei, W.A. Mozart, Thomas Jefferson, Benjamin Franklin, Robin Williams8. The ChallengerChallengers are powerful, dominating types. They tend to have great self-confidence and are decisive, willful, and often confrontational. They can be very resourceful, protective, and sometimes egotistical.Positive qualities: Self-mastering, they use their strength to improve others' lives, becoming heroic, magnanimous, and inspiring.Basic fear: Of being harmed or controlled by othersBasic desire: To protect themselves (to be in control of their own life and destiny)Key motivations: Want to be self-reliant, to prove their strength and resist weakness, to be important in their world, to dominate the environment, and to stay in control of their situation.Other Challengers: Franklin D. Roosevelt, Winston Churchill, Martin Luther King Jr., Ernest Hemingway, Serena Williams9. The PeacemakerPeacemakers are easygoing, stable, and optimistic types. They’re receptive, reassuring, agreeable, and complacent. They’re usually creative, supportive, and tend to prefer to keep the peace more than express a disagreement.Positive qualities: Indomitable and all-embracing, they are able to bring people together and heal conflicts.Basic fear: Of loss and separationBasic desire: To have inner stability "peace of mind"Key motivations: Want to create harmony in their environment, to avoid conflicts and tension, to preserve things as they are, to resist whatever would upset or disturb them.Other Peacemakers: Abraham Lincoln, John F. Kennedy, Jr., Joseph Campbell, Walt DisneyWhich personality type are you?Ready to find out your personality type and discover your own unique qualities? Go to the Enneagram Institute’s course page to take the test yourself and start your own journey of self-discovery.

What Is the Easiest Language to Learn for English Speakers?
Self-Development

What Is the Easiest Language to Learn for English Speakers?

Learning a foreign language is easier today than it has ever been before. That’s thanks, at least in part, to language learning apps like Duolingo, programs like Rosetta Stone, a wealth of available language classes (both online and in person). Thanks to both the web connecting us all remotely and to the ease with which we can travel in the 21st century, there are just so many ways to approach a new language you want to learn.That said, even though this is a great time to learn a new language, let’s not pretend anything makes a new language easy to learn - it’s just easier than it was before! Language learning: Not always easy(Victor Dyomin/Getty)There’s a good reason so many school students always let out the biggest sigh of the day when the next class is foreign language: it’s just not easy for English speakers to learn a new language. But when you choose the right easiest language to learn, it need not be worth sighing over, and it is worth sticking with.And good news: you probably already have a head start when it comes to a lot of the easiest languages to learn simply by the nature of day-to-day life in America. From the constant exposure to Spanish, to the familiarity of the structure you’ll find in many Germanic languages and English, to the many cognates found in other European languages, such as Norwegian, you’re not starting at square one when you pick one of the easiest languages to learn.That said, just because a language is easy to learn does not necessarily make it the best investment of your time unless your specific use case warrants the language learning. Case in point: while Afrikaans is generally accepted as one of the easiest languages for English speakers to learn, the number of native speakers number less than 10 million. It is geographically limited in use, and according to the BBC, it may be a dying tongue, no less. So by all means choose one of the easiest languages to learn, but hedge your bets like we did in our curated list of easiest languages below.A few of the benefits of learning a foreign languageThe most obvious benefits of language learning are that it lets you communicate with more people and to enjoy the writing, movies, music, and other arts and media created in other languages in ways English speakers otherwise could not. But beyond broadened opportunities for communication and arts and literature appreciation, there are many benefits to be gained by language learning beyond your native language.When you are fluent in a foreign language (or better yet, when you can speak a few different languages at least passably) you make yourself significantly more competitive in the professional world. If it’s you and an otherwise comparable candidate vying for a job but you speak two languages or more, there’s a very good chance you are going to get the job. The same is true for school placement, internships, and so on, so it’s never too early to look into a second language.Language learning also offers you benefits that are all about you, not about travel or literature appreciation or your career, according to ACTFL. Even learning and practicing the easiest language of which you are not a native speaker challenges and exercises your brain and helps hone your memory, your creativity, and your overall mental acuity much the same way as regular use of crossword puzzles, sudoku, or other brain building hobbies. But unlike those challenges, enjoyable as they may be, language learning adds a life skill you can use beyond the game page.(Morsa Images/Getty)Why is learning a new language so hard?Learning a new language is not hard, provided you do it when you are young. But by the time you reach adulthood (or even adolescence) your brain has not only become accustomed to your native language, it has effectively turned off the mechanisms used to acquire new phonemes. Phonemes are those distinct types of sound in a language that distinguish one word from another. As an example of a phoneme, think of how for a native English language speaker the words “row” and “how” are quite distinctly different. They would sound quite similar to a nonnative speaker though, right? So at least you know it goes both ways: it’s as hard for perfectly fluent English speakers to learn a new tongue as it is for non-English speakers to learn your native language.Beyond the fact that the adult brain has those phonemic barriers to the very sounds of a new language, the other reason learning foreign languages is so hard is that it’s a four-pronged issue. In order to truly become proficient at a new language, you are not, in fact, merely learning to speak it, but rather you have to learn to speak it, to hear it, to read it, and to write it. And that’s just a lot of work any way you cut it, especially if the language uses an alphabet or a whole writing system other than that of your native language.What makes some languages easier to learn?Tying in with what we just covered, not all languages are hard to learn even with those four aspects (speaking, hearing, writing, and reading, e.g.) as many of the Romance languages and Germanic languages are close to English in form, if not in vocabularies jam packed with cognates.Closely related languages including Italian, Spanish, French, German, and even Romanian all follow many of the same rules as English, including comparable verb tenses, use of plural forms, and of course a similar alphabet and punctuation. While most words in these languages and a few other will of course be different than their English counterparts, many words are similar from one language to another, giving you that head start. So really it’s not that one language is easier to learn than another from an objective standpoint, it’s that given your being a native English speaker, there are easiest languages for you to consider despite the fact that they may be confounding to someone who grew up speaking, say, Russian or Japanese.Little surprise, then, that you won’t find a language with a Cyrillic- or character-based alphabet recommended here.What are the easiest languages for English speakers to learn?Based on factors ranging from comparable grammar structures to multiple similar words, here are the five easiest languages to learn for you if you’re an English speaker who wants to expand your horizons and linguistic abilities.1. NorwegianNorwegian is arguably the easiest language to learn for a native English speaker looking to add a second language, and that’s precisely because so much of the Norwegian language is similar to English. For example, consider a few common phrases in English and then in Norwegian, like “good morning” which is “god morgen,” “time for breakfast” is “tid til frokost,” and “I am American” is “jeg er Amerikansk.” Beyond the oft similar vocabulary, the structure of the Norwegian language is similar to that of English.2. Spanish Spanish is everywhere in America (and beyond, of course) and thus you not only have good reason to know it, you have countless opportunities to practice it, too. From signs and advertisements to conversations in shops or on the train to hearing the radio and watching TV, Spanish is ubiquitous here. The language itself is also easy for an English speaker to read and write, so once you get down the verb conjugations, which can be tricky, you can start loading up on vocabulary and you’ll be off to the races.3. German ( Hudzilla / Getty)German has some tricky aspects to it, like how there are three “genders” of words, the masculine, feminine, and neuter, but it is a phonetic language, meaning words are pronounced more or less as an English speaker would expect, which makes reading and speaking much easier. There is also only one form of present tense which is simpler than English.4. French French is no more challenging than German nor harder than Spanish, really, based on the rules of grammar; it’s ranked where it is because the pronunciation of words is much harder and more nuanced, though, with many words spoken rather unlike an English speaker may expect based on reading. So it just takes practice.5. Indonesian There’s a jump in difficulty level here, to be sure, and we could have plugged in Italian, Portuguese, Romanian, or a few other languages that are easier for an English speaker to learn than Indonesian, but of the Asian languages, this one is the least challenging for native English speakers. That’s because it uses the Latin alphabet and largely phonetic pronunciations, and because the grammar rules, while unlike those of English, are quite simple.The best tools to use to learn the easiest languagesIf you are going to learn a foreign language all on your own, without the help of a class or hired tutor or a fluent friend and so on, it’s often best to use a couple of resources so you are not putting all your language learning eggs in one basket. One program may be heavy on the grammar rules, while another may teach your more day-to-day useful language, such as popular idioms and phrases (“eggs in one basket,” anyone?) and thus you’ll get a well-rounded experience.For language learners who want to use an app, Duolingo is one great choice because it features regular assessments and can customize your learning based both on your progress and on certain areas of interest, such as travel or work. Babbel is another great app for learning languages thanks to its efficient lessons, most of which are between 10 and 15 minutes long. (NurPhoto/Getty)If you have more time to dedicate to your language studies and you can usually be seated at a computer (not on a phone or tablet, e.g.) then Rosetta Stone is a great language learning program – it takes a more holistic approach to teaching a language and you will not learn casual, conversational use of languages as fast as with some apps, but you will learn a foreign language more completely and with more complexity if you stick with Rosetta Stone programs.There are also many audio only language learning resources that are great for people with car commutes when you need eyes on the road. Many of these can be obtained from your local library, so look into free resources before you spend money on such options.There are also many other enjoyable ways to practice a new language and strengthen your foreign language skills. These include watching TV and movies in the language, which is easier than ever with options like YouTube or even specialty satellite TV channels, or listening to music or podcasts in the language, which is also easier than ever.You can also be even more dynamic in your practice by seeking out opportunities to talk to actual people in real time via platforms like Skype, Zoom, or Google Meet. There are programs that can connect you to students hoping to learn English or to seniors happy to chat with language learners. You’ll brighten their day even as you sharpen your skills – a win-win if ever one existed.So what language should I learn?If you have a specific reason to learn a foreign language, be it that your job is relocating you to a new country, you are starting to date someone who does not speak English as a native language, you want to explore literature in the languages in which it was first written, and so on, then it’s not a matter of choosing the easiest language to learn: that choice has been made for you.If you are looking to maximize the potential people with whom you can speak a common language, then Mandarin Chinese is your best choice – it is the most widely spoken language on earth by a factor of almost three, with some 1.3 billion native Chinese speakers alive now and the numbers only growing. (golero/Getty)That said, this and other Asian languages are not easy for English speakers to pick up (with the surprising exception of Indonesian, which uses a Latin alphabet and simple grammar rules), thus not appropriate for many of the more casual language learning enthusiasts.If you are looking to learn the easiest language that will aid you in the most interactions with others, then you need to think in terms of where you live and where you may travel. For most Americans, a romance language like Spanish is a great choice for English speakers to study as it is the second most common language in the United States and as it is spoken widely across Central and South America and of course in Spain. (In fact, Spanish is the second most widely spoken language on Earth, according to Babbel!)The traveler who wants to learn a foreign language prior to a trip around Europe would do well to consider German, as Germanic languages are used not just in Germany but also in Austria, Switzerland, and parts of France and Italy.Ultimately, though, the right language for you is the one you are most excited to learn – there is no wrong answer here. And you’re not limited to learning one language either: the capacity of your own brain to learn will amaze you, whether you are working on one of these easiest languages or you are on to Arabic or Cantonese.You are capable of so much more than you know right now, and learning new things can be good for you in more ways than one!

Unconditional Love: What is It & How Do You Find It?
Marriage

Unconditional Love: What is It & How Do You Find It?

Depending on the history of your love life, unconditional love may be something readily available, in short-supply, or even non-existent. If you’re not even sure it exists, you’re certainly not alone! Many people have never seen what unconditional love looks like in their own families, and so they struggle as adults with giving and receiving such transformative loving energy.That’s why gaining perspective into how unconditional love works is important. It can get you more in tune with your feelings. It can also help you better understand what work needs to be done - not just in your current relationship, but in your future relationships as well. Love is powerful, and it requires great effort and learning to sustain over time.Unconditional Love DefinitionDescribing this type of love we all desire AKA unconditional love is relatively straightforward. True to its name, it exists without conditions (ie., it comes without strings attached). This means you give it without any expectation of receiving anything in return. Unconditional love finds itself in all kinds of relationships from those we have with certain family members (ie., a child, parent, sibling) to the relationships we develop with pets and even some plants. However, it’s certainly not to be expected and isn’t guaranteed in these or any relationship. It has to at first be possible, and then nurtured and tended to with care. Consider that you water a flower in hopes it will bloom but if you do feel love in this regard, it exists regardless of the outcome. You water anyway.In other words, unconditional love in its healthiest form is defined by a level of free-flowing support that naturally brings out the best in both people (or beings involved). This support is born from a deep-rooted respect or admiration.Respect for individuality and the distinct nature you and others hold outside any single relationship in lifeRespect for the foundational loving relationship you can develop with yourself and use as a compass in current and future loving relationshipsRespect for the undeniable truth that love changes with events and time (and that people change, too)Respect for the other person’s boundaries, needs, dreams, triggers, etc.Respect for the other person’s life journey (ie., not trying to “control, take over, steer”)Relationships based on this highly desirable unconditional love are defined by strength through life’s struggle or, in other words, with kindness in the face of chaos. Life is always a challenge with ups and downs that we can’t predict, but unconditional life isn’t something that fluctuates with events. It only deepens with time. First, we need to find somewhere for it to sprout...On Finding Unconditional Love in a Romantic Relationship and BeyondFinding unconditional love isn’t necessarily easy, but it starts at home. It begins by looking inward and assessing your current ways of expressing and receiving love. It’s okay if unconditionally loving someone seems impossible. Unconditional love is nonetheless real, and can be truly liberating.You might want to do some journaling while you consider the following self-reflection questions:Do you have strings attached (ie., conditions) the love you give people? What conditions do you place on love?What happens when those conditions aren’t met? For example, do you go cold or ice people out?How have your reactions to unmet conditions impacted previous relationships?These kinds of self-examining questions are examples of “the work” that’s necessary to create desired changes in perceptions and actions. If you want to love and be loved unconditionally, you need to recognize the strings first so you can then cut yourself free.Reading about the five love languages and other forms of love can offer further insight into how you express feelings of different forms of love and how you would like to be treated by a romantic or other partner. Consider the following:Maybe you have some unlearning to do before being able to open your heart in this way. Maybe you have opened your heart too haphazardly in the past and you’re wondering what to do differently this time around. Maybe you really have been looking for love in the wrong places (ie., places that don’t understand your love language).Once you have a better understanding of your more dominating love languages (you’ll likely have more than one love language) or those of greater importance in a relationship, it narrows down what to look for.Love languages:Acts of serviceReceiving giftsQuality time Words of affirmationPhysical touchList them in order of preference to get a better sense of what you thrive on as a human being, and what your own needs are. When you know what you’re looking for, you can begin manifesting it into reality rather than wandering aimlessly from relationship to relationship. Healthy unconditional love is not out of reach! Unconditional Love: Part of a Healthy RelationshipDescribing unconditional love is easy when looking at healthy relationships, but it is not as easy to recognize in practice, and furthermore, isn’t a given in every single relationship (and that’s okay, too). You need to understand that some people will not be open to unconditional love because they simply have never seen it, known it, or felt it before. This is why choosing the right relationships is important. Ideally, you will find someone who can also love unconditionally. This way you both can flourish even during the hard times. However, even love that has conditions can be worthwhile and those conditions may dissolve with time spent together and work from both people. Yes, loving someone unconditionally means loving them through thick and thin and giving this love freely even during times of extreme relationship turmoil (and this can feel like a lot of work!). For example, if your spouse cheats on you and you find out they’ve been unfaithful, you can experience a broken heart that hurts but doesn’t destroy your unconditional love for the person. You may love them regardless of what they do (or you may not). Other rather extreme examples include:Your teen crashing your vehicle Your child telling you they hate you Your dog biting youUnconditional love will not change from these types of events. Nothing can shake it. Even if you feel other emotions like anger, disgust, fear, or disappointment, the love remains.If you’ve ever said or heard something like, “This is my chosen family,” or “You’re my chosen family now,” this is a sign of unconditional love already existing in your life.Unconditional love is the feeling behind other phrases like:“I may not like you very much right now, but I still love you.”“Of course I still love you! I could never not love you.”“Loving someone doesn’t just go away overnight.”“I need to detach with love.”“Your mom and I will always be proud of you.”Some people may also equate unconditional love with mature love because it’s the kind of love that doesn’t keep score and deduct points for bad behavior. With all of this said, it’s just as important for you to know that loving someone unconditionally doesn’t mean you stay in an abusive or otherwise unhealthy and unfilling relationship. If unconditional love doesn’t flow both ways, it also leaves room for unhealthy persons to take advantage, so just remember: Unconditional love isn’t an excuse for harmful and hurtful behavior, especially in a romantic relationship. If you’re experiencing relationship problems, seek support and outside help (professional or peer). You see, while loving someone unconditionally can sometimes mean different things to different people, it’s never an open invitation to cheat, lie, or steal. It is not an excuse to take advantage of another person’s willingness to love without conditions. While this may feel obvious to some, it may not be to others who have lived in environments with unhealthy power dynamics (e.g. with people with untreated addictions or mental illnesses). It takes practice to unlearn toxic ways of loving and shift toward healthier expressions of love, especially if you’ve learned these early in life from the parenting adults in your life.If you grew up with an active addict in the home or someone who was actively experiencing mental illness like depression, anxiety, or bipolar disorder, you may have learned unhealthy ways of asking for love and giving love. This is not necessarily anyone’s fault, but it’s a wound that needs to be healed, and the future is in your control to change. How to Love Unconditionally Loving unconditionally is one of the most rewarding and life-changing goals you can cast. If you’ve been exposed to negative self-talk from parenting adults and mentors (or if those adults put heavy emphasis on things like “earning love” or “losing points,”) you may need some extra time, patience, and persistence in changing your relationship to love and how you love. But at any stage in your story, you can start encouraging and nurturing feelings of unconditional love. Try these strategies to get started.Open the Communication Lines ImmediatelyUnconditional love is free from the type of judgement you find in power-imbalanced romantic relationships. This means communication lines should be as wide open (transparent and honest) as possible because it’s actually safe to speak your mind. If you’re not sure what this looks like, here’s a few starter tips for getting it right without starting a fight.If you have a problem, address it as soon as possible and appropriate.Actively listen to your partner (head nodding, gesturing, asking follow-up questions)Speak softly to be heard and received Work to make the other person feel safeAllow for silent moments and pauses Have serious conversations in a private and appropriate setting (not public or in-front of children) Think about what the person said afterwards Honor and respect your partner’s opinions, beliefs, and needs even if you don’t share them or understand them Use humor sparingly and wisely Provide Emotional Support in Romantic Relationships Emotional support is the care work you put into being in another person’s world. It’s the gentle encouragement or vote of confidence that helps your partner see their passions and purpose come to life. Don’t worry, you don’t need to be cheerleading at all hours or encouraging ideas you don’t believe in, but you do need to be showing a consistent level of support for the other person and their goals outside of your relationship. In other words, you need to be supportive of the things they love that don’t directly benefit you (other than they make your partner happy and you like seeing them happy). Share Power in All Your RelationshipsUnconditional love (or any form of love for that matter) doesn’t involve games of tug-o-war or relentless battles to win alpha status, prove who’s right, or determine head of household. Rather, this healthy love type involves reasonable and realistic compromise, fair negotiations, and sometimes personal sacrifice, but never all from one person all the time. Power-sharing is crucial to maintaining an even ebb and flow that fosters a healthy relationship between two people. If one person hoards the power, an imbalance occurs that leaves people vulnerable to feelings of resentment. Practice Makes ProgressYou can practice to love unconditionally with pets and plants. Write down any current expectations you may have. Some examples include expecting your plants to grow, flower, or fruit and expecting your pets to love you in return (give affection) and behave appropriately because of how much you love them.While having expectations is healthy and normal, attaching those expectations to love is a choice. If you want to change this relationship to develop a different type of love, a power-shared and compassion-first love, you’ll need to begin dropping expectations attached to your feelings of love.Again, you don’t need to drop your expectations, but if you want to practice loving unconditionally, you need to cut the strings attached to your actions. The same holds true when we talk about unconditional self-loving. Ask yourself what current conditions limit your capacity for self-love? Is it the concept of grades, salary, weight, or where you live? From now on, consider these external factors as giant concrete walls standing in the way of loving yourself unconditionally. Grab a hammer. Start swinging.As these walls come down, self-acceptance and forgiveness can begin to take root. Now, rather than building walls for protection, you are growing roots for strength. Unconditional Love Isn’t Relationship InsuranceFeeling or receiving unconditional love also doesn’t mean that your relationship is shatterproof. Breakups and divorces happen even when unconditional love is present (and that’s okay!). Sometimes enforcing your personal boundaries will be a driving force behind leaving unhealthy relationships (and this is a positive thing!). You can still love people from afar when necessary for your personal wellbeing and safety.Unconditional love can be experienced as:A selfless actCompassionUnconditional positive regard (complete acceptance)EmpathyStability Sustaining Love like this can outlast marriages because it’s not attached to contractual ways of loving or what only one person can provide in return (AKA conditional love). Without this binding force, you’re free to find your own happiness and love exactly as comes naturally because you’re not doing it performatively (ie, because you promised you would, because that’s what you’ve always done, because that’s what you know is expected). Unconditional love can also be defined by everything it’s not. Like all kinds of love, the concept of conditional love exists on a spectrum. It can sound like many things from stark remarks to subtle and insidious comments:“After all I have done for you, you owe me this.” “If you love me, you’ll do [insert anything here].”“I need you to forgive me right now!”“Don’t you love me?”“I would have expected at least a thank you.” “I did all that, not that I expected anything in return, but something would have been nice.”*“You know, they could have at least acknowledged the amount of effort I put in.”And any and all phrases starting with, “If it wasn’t for me…”*When people say aloud to others that they expected nothing in return for whatever they did, they likely expected something (even if praise and recognition). Otherwise, they wouldn’t think to mention it. Unconditional Love Still Involves Healthy Boundaries Your love may not cost a thing, but loving unconditionally doesn’t mean you become a doormat and pushover, either. It means you recognize and respect another person’s boundaries while wanting and working for their happiness and encouraging them to continue making independent choices that serve their highest interests (even if it doesn’t serve yours). Don’t worry, your own boundaries serve your best interests. These boundaries define the space you take in this world. Specifically, they define the space where you end and another person begins. You can think of them as your soul boundaries, spirit boundaries, mental health boundaries, or physical (personal space) boundaries - anything that reinforces your own well being. Different people in different situations will have different types of boundaries. Whether or not it makes sense to you, respect a person’s communicated boundary anyway. Defining Your Own Boundaries in Unconditional Love RelationshipsA time will come when you’re ready to set boundaries with deep work-revealed intentions with a romantic partner. This means you’ll be fully prepared to embrace the purpose behind each boundary and acknowledge why they are important. This will help you in maintaining new boundaries with others and in respecting new boundaries others may establish over time.To begin narrowing down your own boundaries, you can do a self-check on the following specific boundary examples:Monogamy and nonmonogamy Sexuality and gender expressionsTime and energy (including how many days a week you can spend together)Body hair, modifications, tattoos, surgeries, medications, etc.Culture, religion, ethics, and beliefsCo-parenting or in-law visitations Drugs and alcohol consumption The healthiest boundaries are those that are communicated clearly and maintained despite any initial or continued backlash. If you’re still not sure where your boundary lines are, reread the list. Whatever thoughts arise while reviewing it can become your starting place for setting boundaries in loving relationships. Some boundary examples from the above list may include:I am only comfortable in a monogamous relationship.I am open to dating people from across all spectrums.I would consider converting to another religion.I don’t drink alcohol. It’s also important to have a conversation (or many conversations!) about other people’s boundaries. Knowing what people are and are not comfortable with upfront saves time later in miscommunications, misunderstandings, and missteps over boundaries. For example, you may want to know if someone, in turn, is only comfortable in an open or polyamorous relationship. While these may seem like technicalities that have little to do with unconditional love, respecting your own and other people’s boundaries is a key component in establishing the types of real bonds unconditional love can grow in. Backlash From Healthy BoundariesIf you’re new to setting personal boundaries, you may have to face some backlash from people who are less than thrilled you’ve found your voice. Boundary backlash happens because setting boundaries requires changing — and many people are resistant or hesitant to changing for a million reasons including emotions like fear and anxiety and self-limiting beliefs and behavior patterns. When you appear to be changing or developing different boundaries than previously existed, you hold up a mirror to other people’s behavior, too. While the other person may very well be impressed and intimidated by your emotional strength and commitment to your best interests, they may not express this as such. Instead, they may express negative emotions.Boundary backlash sounds like this:You’re no fun anymore (judgement)You never say ‘yes’ anymore (disappointment)You’ve changed (disapproval)What are you trying to say about me, then? (defensiveness)The phone not beeping anymore (abandonment)Yes, you may lose a few people who just will not be able to accept your healthy boundaries because they cannot set and maintain their own. It may sound harsh, but losing these people is ultimately much healthier than losing your voice and constantly having your boundaries crossed, ignored, or otherwise disrespected. Cut the cords and let yourself move to find the unconditional love we all desire and deserve. If these are irreplaceable people in your life, you may want to consider talking to them about boundaries before deciding to end the relationship. If you need help, you can start by reviewing this common list of healthy boundaries and considering where your relationship with this person stands. This way, you’ll have real-life examples to draw upon.In your relationship, do you both:Ask permissionTake each other’s feelings into accountShow gratitude Remain honestGive space (avoid codependence or controlling behaviors)Show respect for differences in opinion, perspective, and feelingsTake personal responsibility for your role in the relationship and actionsAnd don’t worry if things seem like a condition-laden mess right now. Change comes quickly when you start doing the work and maintaining your own healthy boundaries with healthier people won’t be a problem; it’ll just be the norm. With these boundaries in place, you can release yourself to love freely (without hidden costs) and fears that lead people to create unhealthy attachments, jealousies, and confines around relationships in the first place. Is Unconditional Love Healthy?The short answer is, yes: Unconditional love is healthy. The longer answer is that several small studies support that unconditional love is healthy, but in order to understand what that really means, we need to look at how these studies actually define unconditional love. In most cases, unconditional love is measured by nurturing behaviors, affection, and emotional warmth.Examples include:Unconditional love activates or lights up the same areas in the brain’s reward system as romantic love and maternal love, according to a study using brain imaging technology (known as neuroimaging).Parental unconditional love towards infant children in particular has been associated with their greater emotional resilience or strength against adversity in later adulthood (resulting in less distress).Parent-child unconditional love has also shown potential in offering some protective benefits against childhood traumas (meaning that if something traumatic happens, the child may have a more favorable response and recovery).Unconditional love can provide a secure foundation for children to learn because they feel supported if they make mistakes (which we all do). As we age, this type of love provides a beautiful opportunity for people to become their full selves without worry of abandonment and to experience a sense of security unmatched in relationships where people keep scores.Unconditional Love Can Be Used in Unhealthy WaysWhile unconditional love is a healthy and mature feeling, in some worst case scenarios, some people can use it in very unhealthy ways to gain control and power.In toxic relationships (romantic relationships or other), unconditional love can be something you’re made to believe exists in your relationship when it’s actually an idea that’s being weaponized and used against you. For example, you may hear things like:“No one will ever love you like I do” “You’re lucky I love you like I do”“You’ll never find someone to put up with you the way I do”“How can you complain with all I do”There’s a lot of “I” in there, and that’s not what healthy and selfless love sounds like. That’s what manipulation and sick love sound like. In ConclusionAddressing your relationship with love may not feel easy, but it does lead to personal transformation, an increase in self esteem, and even the possibility of a greater sense of self love. Once you start the process, you’ll find that unconditional love is possible everywhere and with everyone. Look inward!

Motivation: A Comprehensive and Practical Guide
Motivation

Motivation: A Comprehensive and Practical Guide

Whether you’re trying to change the world, study for an exam, write a novel, get in shape, or simply do your dishes, motivation is an essential force behind reaching your goal, and understanding motivation is just as key. Motivation is what people say they want more of when they’re feeling “blah,” or are struggling to accomplish something. It’s the salt and pepper that helps you tackle bland, difficult, or unpleasant tasks that you’d otherwise avoid. It’s what separates those that simply start something (or just think about doing it) from those that finish. But while the idea of motivation is pervasive, motivation itself is not. As we all know from our knowledge of human behavior, wanting to be motivated is not the same as actually feeling it. So, how exactly does one get (and stay) motivated? Motivation: An elusive forceHonestly, it’s not always easy to stay intrinsically motivated—but it is possible. Still, motivation can be an elusive, mercurial force. Sometimes, it’s there, sometimes it’s not. For some things, say trying to lose weight or keeping your house clean, motivation may be easily accessible to one person, but feel impossible to another. Likewise, the tidy exerciser may struggle to find motivation for other tasks, like eating healthy or getting their work done.(PhotoAlto/Sigrid Olsson/Getty)It may feel random, unclear, or unfair why some people seem to have more motivation than others. Clearly, there are those that seem to naturally harness its power and have all the answers, while others feel they don’t have any at all. For those that find motivation a challenge, going after goals can feel like a frustrating, no-win, uphill battle.But all is not lost. There are many motivating factors that can enhance your own drive for success. Essentially, you can define motivation as a sort of river, one anyone can tap into. You just need to understand what it is, where to find it, and how to access it to your advantage. In this guide, we’ll explore all that as well as practical, accessible motivational strategies you can use in your daily life, and try to unearth some of the basic psychological needs of a person that’s successful in their goal-directed behavior.What is motivation? Motivation is what gives you the willpower to do what you need or want to do. It’s the reason, or “the why” behind your efforts. Often, it’s the difference between whether or not you see something to fruition.Motivation is what spurs you on to get the results you’re after. Most importantly, it’s the fire that gets you going when you don’t feel like it, and the gumption that gets you to go beyond the norm or the expected. An Inner ForceThis inner force goes by other names, too, such as drive, will power, verve, pluck, tenacity, follow through, and sticking with it. You know it’s there when you feel added energy or urgency about dedicating yourself to the task at hand, or more broadly, to reach your larger goals. It’s what keeps you going even when the chips are down, when you’re tired, having setbacks, or are tempted to do other stuff. Some things you’ll be naturally motivated to do, even without the benefit of external rewards. In fact, you may not even think of your will to do them as motivation. These include the habits and tasks that you find enjoyment in, that work for you, or have already been incorporated successfully into your daily life. For example, if you’re a social person, you won’t need the extra push a shy person may need to network or reach out to friends because you already have all the motivation you need. Essentially, some activities, goals, or to-do list items may need very little intentional motivation to get done. Other examples of this include playing your favorite sport, reading a story you love, eating your favorite healthy foods, or finishing a work project that you’re excited about. (Arx0nt / Getty)In other words, the more naturally enthusiastic you are about something, the less additional motivation you need. That’s because you already have heaps of it. More than enthusiasmThe motivation we’re talking about in this guide is different. Here, we are exploring how to get motivated for the goals where that essential drive is lacking. It’s about building up the necessary fire to keep you focused when it feels like your motivation has run dry. This motivation can serve as an antidote to procrastination, distraction, self-doubt, and other self-defeating feelings and behaviors, helping you to strive for and reach your goals.Types of motivationThere are many factors that make up the individual drive of human beings. Behavioral science tells us that these will vary quite a bit from person-to-person depending on their personality, life experiences, decision making abilities, even their physical and mental health, home environment, and genetics, among other closely related things. Much of this you can’t change. However, you can up your motivation by understanding more about how motivation works. Primarily, it’s key to know about the main two types. These are called external and internal motivation. External / extrinsic motivationExternal or extrinsic motivation comes from a force outside of yourself. It’s when you are doing something to avoid or gain a specific result. External drivers can be either positive or negative, as in the proverbial carrot or the stick. For example, you might drive the speed limit to avoid having an accident or getting a traffic ticket. Or you might turn in your homework to avoid the negative reinforcement of getting Fs. Remember the reward charts kids are given in kindergarten or the promise of a trip to the candy store to reward good behavior? Those are both examples of external incentives, or extrinsic motivators. The same principle applies for any “reward” or “punishment” you stand to gain from doing something. So, the reward for being on a diet may be losing weight. Or you might set up a punishment for yourself, like no Netflix on the weekends, until you complete your spring cleaning. Note that most external motivations can be flipped to either the negative or positive depending on your point of view. So, one person is motivated to complete their job task efficiently in order to not get fired, while someone else does the same thing for the goal of getting paid, getting a raise, or getting a promotion. Not all external motivators are tangible items. They may also be feelings-related, such as praise, acceptance, pride, or belonging.Internal / intrinsic motivationInternal motivation is the will to do something that comes from inside, rather than requiring outside influences. This is also called intrinsic motivation. Internally motivated actions aren’t done for the rewards or punishments that drive external motivation. Instead, they are just there urging you to do (and keep doing) whatever needs to be done. Examples of intrinsic motivation are when you just naturally want to do something for the sake of doing it. It’s kind of like altruism for yourself and your goals. In these situations, the promise of a cookie, kudos, or some other reward (or the threat of something bad happening) aren’t needed to get you to put in the work toward your goal.Human motivation in psychologyThere are dozens of theories on motivation in psychology. Two prominent ones are Maslow’s hierarchy of needs and McCelland’s acquired needs theory.MaslowIn Abraham Maslow’s theory, all needs are organized in hierarchical categories. These start with basic survival (like food and water) and safety and then move on up to more complex needs like social interactions and personal success. The idea is that your motivation begins by first addressing the most pressing needs before it can go after the loftier ones. As in, if you can’t pay your rent or sleep well then that is where your focus will be. But once your essential needs are all taken care of, then you can shift your sights on pursuing higher level goals.McCellandAmerican psychologist David McCelland also divided human needs into a variety of categories to explain human motivation. His theory focused on the common needs for affiliation, power, and achievement. The idea is that knowing how a person responds to an underlying need can be key in finding their motivation. So, if you have a strong need for affiliation, using social motivators will likely work well for you. Those who crave power, may be motivated by the possibility of leadership roles. (Bet_Noire / Getty)Recognition and learning new skills may make those that crave achievement more productive.How to get (and stay) motivatedSo, how do you use all this information about motivation to get some for yourself? First, having a simple awareness that you can foster your store of motivation is a good start. Some people may need to work a bit harder to find the necessary drive but that doesn’t mean it can’t be found. Know that finding your fire is a personal process that will be unique for each person. So, what motivates your sister, co-worker, friend, or neighbor may be drastically different than what works for you. And that’s fine. The key is honoring that difference—and simply finding what works for you.Tap into the motivation that’s already thereThink about what does motivate you. Possibilities might be feelings of belonging, approval, wellness, safety, or success. You might long for tangible items like more money, security, a promotion, or better health. Once you know what drives you, you can work to align that need with your goals. So, if you seek greater social connection and want to run a marathon, joining a running club might boost your motivation to put in the necessary training.Knowledge is powerIf you know that you have a strong competitive streak, use that knowledge by turning your tasks into a game you can win. For those that long for the spotlight, find ways to get your efforts noticed so that you’ll be more likely to maintain them. Whatever it is that you really want (connection, praise, collaboration, etc.) can usually be harnessed into motivation.Listen to the right internal voicesSometimes, the motivation is there but your internal voices shut it down. So, notice your inner dialog. Are you telling yourself you can’t, you won’t succeed, or to quit? Consider those thoughts. Is there anything useful to learn? Maybe you are worried about making a mistake or letting down others. Determine if anything productive can come of any toxic self-talk, and if not, discard it. Then, tune into internal self-validation, also known as your mind’s cheerleader. This is the part of yourself that offers encouragement and hope. “Magic is believing in yourself. If you can make that happen, you can make anything happen,” said novelist and poet Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe. Essentially, listen to the part of you that believes in yourself and use that confidence to fuel your motivation. If you need inspiration, read motivational quotes and then see if you can apply them to yourself.Silence distractionsMotivation can only go so far, particularly if you have other demands pulling you away from your desired or needed task. So, set yourself up to succeed by limiting distractions. (Getty)This might include silencing your phone, activating screen time limits on your devices, putting away the TV remote, or going into a dedicated work space away from others. Note what distracts you and find ways to work around them. For example, if you lose steam by cooking elaborate meals when hungry, try ordering in or making something simple. If you get sidetracked by cleaning your house, set up specific times when you’ll clean it—or go into another room.Trust yourself and go for itTrusting yourself is a key way to get motivated. So, give yourself the same courtesy you would give a friend: Trust that you can do what you want to do. Encourage positivity—and just begin. As Mark Twain famously said, “The secret of getting ahead is getting started.” Know that you may face hurdles but that your will to keep at it will help you persevere. Don’t let missteps convince you to give up. Instead, use them for inspiration. Revise, rethink, and take your chances when they come. “If you’re offered a seat on a rocket ship,” advises Sheryl Sandberg, “don’t ask what seat! Just get on.”Get comfortable with discomfortBeing motivated doesn’t mean it’s easy. Motivation just helps you initiate and keep going toward your goals. So, aim to be okay with feeling a little overwhelmed, uncertain, or frustrated. Don’t let these feelings of discomfort derail you or fool you into thinking your drive is dead. Instead, get comfortable with feeling some discomfort as you move forward.Give yourself rewards or consequencesBuild yourself a support system of external motivators. Think of these motivational supports as scaffolding to build up your resolve. As we discussed earlier, these rewards or punishments can be anything that works for you.If a piece of chocolate at the end of the day helps keep you on track, use chocolate. Maybe the promise of a bubble bath, hike, movie night, pizza, or long conversation with your best friend will put a fire under you. Alternatively, you might be more motivated by a negative consequence, such as knowing you will have to work at home that night if you don’t get your project done at the office.Stick to a structureRoutines are your friend. Setting up a structure or plan for whatever you want to accomplish can provide its own motivation. Research shows that humans are creatures of habit. So, when expectations are established we are more likely to fulfill them. This is why people who want to exercise regularly that set up specific times for their workouts will have better luck than those who try to do so sporadically. Likewise, if you want to become a painter, designate certain hours to the endeavor. Or if you struggle to keep your house organized, make a schedule for what to do when. Write it downUse the power of the pen to boost your motivation. Write down your goals. Break them down into doable steps. Cross them off as you complete them. Putting it on paper (or the digital equivalent) keeps you accountable, helps you stay on task, shows you what you actually need to do, and lets you see your progress. Simply seeing what you want or need to do written down can provide the fire you need to start a project—and see it through.Use technology in your favor Yes, technology can be a huge distractor, but it can also serve as an excellent external motivator, particularly if you struggle with organization, focus, or other executive function challenges. (Robert Way / Getty)According to the National Institutes of Health, tracking your progress boosts motivation, too. So, use the timer, calendar, reminders, notes, or other relevant digital tools and apps on your devices to give you those gentle nudges to keep you on track. Take baby stepsChunk your projects into smaller pieces, an evidence-based practice called chunking, to turn seemingly insurmountable goals into doable tasks. This method is motivating because it can give you a greater sense of control, enhance your focus, strengthen your connection to each step, and keep you tied to your vision. Celebrating each component you finish can also be highly motivating, helping you build on the success of completing each stage.Harness the power of praiseTalk yourself up. Tell others about your goals and successes. Let their praise and enthusiasm buoy your own. Be proud of all the progress you’ve made. Make it funFind ways to add fun and enjoyment into your task. This might be as simple as playing your favorite music while you work, combining efforts with a friend, or taking your task outside on a sunny day. Alternatively, consider if you can delegate the parts of a job you don’t like. Or try alternating doing what you like with what you like less so that you get breaks from what you find more challenging. Rewarding yourself with time to celebrate your accomplishments adds to the fun, too!Key takeaways for motivationMotivation isn’t an exclusive club. Even if you feel that yours is lacking, you can always build more. Really, it’s yours for the taking and it starts with believing that to be true. (DaniloAndjus / Getty)Seeking it out and stoking its power can make a huge difference in your life. Afterall, motivation is what keeps you going when it’s hard. It drives you to work hard, persevere, and dream big. So, experiment with different strategies to boost your motivation until you find the ones that work well for you.MOMENTUM IS EVERYTHINGAre you ready to change your life?

What is the Meaning of Life? An Exploratory Guide
Meditation

What is the Meaning of Life? An Exploratory Guide

Most of us wonder at the meaning of it all now and again, but fewer of us dare speak the question aloud for fear of sounding ridiculous: “What is the meaning of life?” Without an answer to what seems the most pertinent question imaginable, how do human beings know what’s important, or where our focus should lie as we navigate this rocky road of existence? In some ways lift seems so short, yet in other ways also interminable. How should we live meaningful lives? What defines a meaningful existence?One might find humorous or even crass answers to the question at hand. These answers may rely on lighthearted whimsy or be profound philosophical responses, which themselves lead to further questions about human nature and the ultimate meaning in a person’s life. One thing's for sure: the drive to self-actualize is real.Really, one might find answers anywhere, but an answer that works for one person may not work for another. In Monty Python's classic film The Meaning of Life (1983), there are several allusions to life’s meaning, and at the end, a character is handed an envelope containing "the meaning of life,” which she opens and reads out loud to the audience:“Well, it's nothing very special. Uh, try to be nice to people, avoid eating fat, read a good book every now and then, get some walking in, and try to live together in peace and harmony with people of all creeds and nations.” Sounds right to me, but how does it sound to you?Living a Meaningful Life: A brief breakdownThere are so many ways of identifying substantial meaning in one’s own life that it becomes very challenging to narrow down. Not to mention, the idea of “meaning” itself can have very different meanings to very different people. To some, it may signify purpose, while to others the question might be more focused on the nature of reality and objective meaning. Ultimately, though, meaning is something generally not agreed upon across the board. For those who do believe an overarching meaning of life can be discerned, however, views typically fall under one of several types. Meaningful Lives: A Spiritual Approach(Wilaipon Pasawat / EyeEm / Getty)Religion acts as a common source of personal meaning in life. This is likely because a person’s religious belief entails involvement in a community of like-minded believers in addition to a set of beliefs. At its core, the basis of most religion is that we, humankind living in this purely physical world, are the creation of an entity known as God, a power that had an intelligent purpose in creating us. While God is unprovable and altogether undebatable, many find the point moot when it comes to discussions of life’s meaning. Why? Because even if God exists and had a specific purpose in creating us, no one knows for certain what God's purpose is, or how it might converse with our own ideas of meaning. That said, many believe simply that ‘doing good’ in life is God’s plan for us, and that those who do are leading lives of meaning that will ultimately be rewarded. Which brings us to the ‘afterlife.’ While some who hold religious beliefs might contend that all this talk about the meaning of life is sort of missing the point, as life is actually just a prelude to a form of eternal afterlife, others might respond differently. Their contention may be that the concept of an afterlife simply serves to displace the problem, creating a new, if not identical question: what is the meaning of the afterlife? Reliance on an afterlife can discourage some from determining meaning or purpose for what may very well be the only life they have. Meaningful Lives: A Science-Based Approach(ferrantraite / Getty)The contributions of modern science to the discussion of life's meaning focus mostly on describing empirical facts about the material world, the observable, physical universe, and exploring the parameters of how physical existence as we know it came to be. While it’s a common belief that science-based worldviews imply life as we know it is a meaningless accident in a universe ultimately indifferent to human existence, recent advances in the study of evolution reveal a bigger picture, which, may, by itself, give meaning to life. Within this bigger picture, humanity is part of a vast evolutionary process within which we have a meaningful role to play. However, because some of us struggle to find meaning within this impersonal understanding of reality, our quest for meaning persists.The science world is broad, however, and includes many disciplines and therefore many lenses through which one might understand meaning. Take psychology: although most psychology researchers consider meaning in life a subjective feeling or judgment, clinical psychologist and professor Paul T. P. Wong proposes that there are also objective, concrete criteria for what constitutes a meaningful life. To this end, he created a 4-component solution (PURE) intended as a tool to help parse out the meaning of life:1.Purpose: We must choose a worthy purpose or a significant goal in our own lives.2. Understanding: We must develop a real understanding of who we are, what life demands of us, and how we can play a significant role in our time here.3. Responsibility: We alone are responsible for deciding what type of life we want to lead, and what constitutes an impactful and/or worthwhile goal to work toward.4. Enjoyment: We can enjoy a profound sense of meaning and personal fulfillment once we have actively harnessed the above components in service of a worthy life goal.Although the above breakdown may work for some, others still may find it too restrictive, too ambiguous, or difficult to apply to all of humanity given the gamut of human experience. Human Beings and Mystery as Meaning(Jonathan Knowles / Getty)The sixth-century Chinese sage Lao Tzu is said to have dictated the Tao Te Ching before escaping civilization for a life of reclusiveness in the mountains. He believed that the universe actually supplies what value humanity possesses. Tzu would argue that goals are insignificant, and that accomplishments do not imbue our lives with meaning. He suggests that simply being a product of the world means living a meaningful life; no effort is required. Tzu proposes a deeper understanding of existence itself, which is mysterious by nature. Much like oceans or trees, humans are part of “the way,” which is made up of all things, and makes up all things, and cannot ever truly be known or spoken about. This is a perspective founded on the belief that life is not comprehensible, but that this doesn't make it any less meaningful: whatever station one occupies in life, it matters, because we exist within and among the living, a small yet important piece in an enduring and incomprehensible chain of existence. While Tzu acknowledges that life can be brutal at times, he proposes that meaning comes from our will to persevere. As the Tao says, “One who persists is a person of purpose.”We Create Our Own Meaning in Life(Westend61 / Getty)Famed American Lit Professor Joseph Campbell put it this way: “Life has no meaning. Each of us has meaning and we bring it to life. It is a waste to be asking the question when you are the answer.” Ultimately, one thing seems clear: the meaning of life as a human being is that which you choose to give it. But the question still remains: how do we choose?Regardless of the answer that anchors you to this earthly plain and allows you to go about the business of being human in the day-to-day, only one thing’s for certain: when attempting to unravel a notion as lofty the meaning of life, there are bound to be as many right answers as there are truth seekers out there.For those who feel at a loss, professor and philosopher Iddo Landau Landau suggests a ‘reframing.' He writes, “A meaningful life is one in which there is a sufficient number of aspects of sufficient value, and a meaningless life is one in which there is not a sufficient number of aspects of sufficient value.” Basically, he’s saying meaning can be boiled down to an equation of sorts, and that when we add or subtract aspects of value, we experience more or less meaning. By this logic, if you feel a lack of meaning in your work, you might still find meaning in relationships, travel, or creative endeavors—to name just a few. It may also be the case, of course, that the life you live is already meaningful, but that you’re not valuing that which is worth valuing because you’re fixated on predetermined ideas of meaning (i.e. having children, or getting promoted).Ultimately, it is the temporary nature of human life that gives it shape and purpose. Within a limited timeframe, one might say the meaning of life is to live life meaningfully. Sick of the riddles yet? Maybe it’s time for some loose instruction.How to Find the Meaning of Your Life(Mike Powell / Getty)Rather than asking yourself why you’re here on earth and what exactly it is you’re supposed to be doing, consider drawing inspiration from the following action tips to make your experiences the answer to your queries and put some meaning back in your life.1. Practice HappinessWe’ve all heard the theory that happiness is a choice, even if it sounds trite. Ultimately, however, it is a choice, and the good news is that happiness, believe it or not, can be practiced by anyone regardless of their circumstances. The reality is we are all capable of unlearning certain basic tenets, becoming less reactive to the events of life, and having more control over how we choose to feel, regardless of what comes our way. No one’s saying you should be happy all the time, or force anything that you don’t feel, but cultivating a sense of calm and stability can go a long way toward a feeling of happiness with one’s life.2. See Your Natural Gifts as OpportunitiesWhile not everyone has an undeniable talent that surfaces at a young age and serves to illuminate a clear path forward, discovering where your gifts or talents may lie, even later in life, can give meaning and purpose to your existence. If you feel in the dark about your talents, it may take a little digging. Ask yourself: What comes naturally to you? What are you doing or experiencing when you feel at your best? How do you like to help or engage with others? If you keep asking, answers will come.3. Cultivate Meaningful Relationships With OthersAs we slowly make our way out of the restricting hold of a global pandemic, this one has special meaning. Whether in person or not, carve out time to spend with people that make your life fuller and who lift you up rather than drag you down. (Getty)This might be partners, friends, colleagues, or family. Sometimes it's necessary to ‘cut out’ people who consistently drain your energy or are always bringing negative vibes. The reality is, we are affected by those whose company we keep, whether we see it or not. Your outlook, and your general experience of life can either be enhanced by the people in your life, or obscured. Start tuning in to how you feel around others and make adjustments as needed.4. Set Goals and Stick to ThemAs a general rule, having a plan brings meaning to life. While being overly focused on goals or setting goals you can't attain doesn’t do anyone any good, it does help to have goals, along with a plan for achieving them—even if it’s a long term plan. Regardless of what it is, make sure it’s something that excites you, or that you actually want to do, rather than something you feel you should accomplish: when setting goals, it’s always important to check your narrative! Start by writing down your goals, and then, most importantly, goal setting.5. Do What You Can to Help OthersHelping others comes in many forms. If you've ever done the kind of work that serves the underserved, or simply stopped in the street to help someone who looked a little down on their luck, you probably know that helping others feels good and right, and can even instill a sense of self-worth or purpose. If we make space in our lives to think about others and cultivate generosity of spirit—either by giving of our time, money, or energy—this is a worthy meaning of a human life.6. Abandon Your Routine Now and ThenThe universe is brimming with possibilities, even if it doesn’t feel like it sometimes in the day-to-day. While there is certainly value in rhythm and routine, there is also huge value in shaking things up now and then. Every so often, depending on your circumstances, it might behoove you to do something different which will help you gain a refreshed perspective, like taking a spontaneous day-long road trip, going to the movies alone, staying at a hotel in your own hometown, or planning a day of zero obligations. (Anupong Sakoolchai / Getty)Although it may seem that ‘you don’t have the time’ for that sort of thing, occasionally abandoning your routine gives you a break from the expected and helps to highlight those experiences in life which matter most.7. Target Habits and AddictionsWe all have addictions--some more serious than others. Whether its TV, social media, cigarettes, alcohol, sugar, or anger, challenge yourself to going without it for a week—this might be quite painful and involve some real soul-searching, but where there’s a will, you'll succeed in making more space for deeper meaning in your life by letting go of that which no longer serves you. How will you fill your newly freed up time? What meaning will it hold?8. Do That Thing You've Always Wanted to Do but Haven'tAlmost everybody has a thing they really want to do that they haven’t done, even if they haven't told a soul about it. What’s that thing you always think about doing but which you’ve talked yourself out of or put off to some unforeseeable time in ‘the future’? What would you say if I told you that the future is now? Start by identifying what it is you're going to do, and then—go do it, simply. If this is really not possible within the current parameters of your life, begin working toward this big event, whether that means saving money, learning a skill, or doing whatever else needs doing to make it a reality. The first step is often the most difficult.9. Find a Purpose You Can Live WithOne of the most enriching and freeing and meaningful things you can do in this life is find your purpose. Your purpose is what makes you feel most alive, what drives you to be better, what gets you out of bed in the morning, what gives you energy to keep on living. This is what life is about, after all: finding out what you can contribute and following through.In Conclusion(Henglein and Steets / Getty)Anyone who feels their life is meaningless is asking the wrong questions and getting the wrong answers to boot. The feeling of meaninglessness is based on a failure to recognize what actually matters, instead becoming fixated on what might be missing. What is really most important to you? How will you harness its magic to fill your life with meaning? Everything you need is inside of you right now.

Internal Conflict: Meaning & Examples
Self-Development

Internal Conflict: Meaning & Examples

It’s not that hard to get your head around the concept of an external conflict. The war scenes depicted in War and Peace or the shouting matches between husbands and wives in Anna Karenina? Those are external conflicts. The primary difference between internal and external conflict, from a writer’s point of view? Internal conflict can be a lot harder to write well.But what is internal conflict in literature? Let’s prime the pump with an example not from books at all, but from the movies.Internal conflicts in moviesOK, big time, massive, huge spoiler alert: if you still don’t know the wildest silver screen reveal from the year 1980, that “Oh my god!” moment near the end of sci-fi space masterpiece The Empire Strikes Back, then skip down a few paragraphs. Alright, you’ve been warned. The reveal is this: Darth Vader is Luke Skywalker’s father! However, the crux of the matter here does not come until the end of the next movie in the vaunted Star Wars franchise, The Return of the Jedi. In the dramatic final scene of Jedi, we see the Empire’s Darth Vader torn between saving his son Luke or the Emperor, Vader’s lord and master. The actor physically portraying Vader, David Prowse, did so in a mask that fully covered his face, thus his acting was all about body language. We see Lord Vader look back and forth, looking from potentially dying son to evil emperor again and again. In his pivots and twists and final lurch toward a decision (don’t worry, we’ll not add another spoiler), we see a physical manifestation of internal conflict. Most impressive that the scene still works despite a lack of facial acting or spoken words.More often than not, though, internal conflict is caused by issues less cut-and-dried than that which Vader faced, and resolving most internal conflicts is not as easy as deciding to throw the emperor to his death. (Oh, sorry – that was a huge spoiler.)In literature, as in life, internal conflict involves multiple components and are only solved by often heroic but seldom quick, cut-and-dried actions or decisions. That’s why a character’s own internal conflicts in literature or film can make a story so engaging, and why our own real life internal conflict can make life such a challenge. Often a fascinating challenge, to be sure, but a struggle nonetheless.Why is internal struggle important for great writing?Picture some of the greatest villains ever known from literature. What makes them so compelling? Yes, correct: their complexity. As two of the finest examples of all time, let’s consider two “monsters” from 19th century classics, Frankenstein’s monster and Count Dracula. (Albert L. Ortega / Getty)Far from being the single-mindedly cold, heartless monsters thought of at first blush, on a close reading of the original novels by Shelley and Stoker, we see creatures who do violent, gruesome things, to be sure, but who also have complicated motivations, who are oft gripped with indecision, who long for love and connection, and who are, perhaps more than anything else, misunderstood. (Granted, the “monster” of Frankenstein is the more easily sympathized with.)Complexity: Necessary for both internal and external conflictWithout a character’s internal conflict, and without the complexity thereby created, the stories would be infinitely less engaging, and almost surely not still in print worldwide even two centuries after the publication of Frankenstein (and some 125 years after Dracula). Internal struggle helps color characters ranging from these classics to modern heroes (and anti heroes and villains) and heroines such as Katniss Everdeen from the Hunger Games books and films, who is torn between loyalty to her family and home, her will to stay alive and even advance in society, and by the horror that in order to achieve any of it, she must kill. Almost every novel is going to have at least some character conflict or some external conflict (which are not always one and the same) like an argument or fistfight or a nuclear war. But only a book also featuring that enriching internal conflict can rise to greatness.A few fine examples of internal conflict in literatureWe have already noted several fine internal conflict examples, but in rather broad strokes. Now, to better illustrate what makes for believable, compelling internal conflict in writing, let’s quickly look at three more classic examples of internal conflict in literature, and how a character struggles when confronting these conflicts throughout their character development.Romeo and JulietRomeo and Juliet is hardly Shakespeare’s greatest play, but its namesake protagonists do display some of the clearest-cut examples of internal conflict in writing. (fona2 / Getty)Both are torn between romantic love and familial faith, and, dramatically, both arguably end up dead because of a lack of fully overcoming the struggle. (For a more nuanced and objectively better example of internal struggle in Shakespeare, read Hamlet.)Of Mice and MenIn Steinbeck’s slim classic Of Mice and Men, the protagonist George is ravaged by internal conflict as he tries to decide how to deal with the aftermath of the actions of his intellectually challenged friend Lennie. He finally makes a nearly impossible external choice, but the real drama of the story is within.Four WindsAnd in much more recent writing, witness the internal conflict of Elsa Martinelli, protagonist of Kristin Hannah’s novel Four Winds, who by turns must choose between husband and parents, husband and children, a home gone to pieces vs. the unknown out west, and finally the choice between what is right but a danger and what is safe but a tragedy. All of the internal and external conflicts in her life compound to make her struggle arguably the greatest challenge she faces.Moby DickAnd then of course in some cases we have examples of characters who manage to be fascinating and compelling despite an almost total lack of internal conflict. Witness as an example Captain Ahab from Moby Dick, who really has no internal struggle regarding his obsession with one of the most awesome external forces of the sea, the white whale. How to write great internal conflict into a characterCreating a character with believable internal struggle can help you create a narrative that will grip your reader all the more so. Even the strongest plot set in the most amazing surroundings can always benefit from a stronger literary or dramatic character, and a character the reader feels to be genuinely struggling with something is just that. A combination of internal vs external conflict usually always produces the best results.Why? Because let’s face it, we’re all dealing with internal conflicts all the time, be they big or small, many or few, or all of that at once, so we can relate. In fact, with fascinating characters and great dialogue, plot and setting aren’t even the main players in a fiction (witness many of the famous books of Jane Austen or Albert Camus’ The Stranger as evidence). (Dan Kitwood / Getty)But how to develop internal conflict within a character that will feel real enough to move the reader?Make it realIn a few words, make it real. The more well-rounded and fully-developed your characters are, the more real their internal struggles will feel, and the more depth and color will come from the pages. This does not mean describing every hair on a woman’s head, breaking down the outfit of a main character piece by piece, or any such external descriptions, and it certainly doesn’t mean breaking the classic “show, don’t tell” rule of writing. In other words, don’t write something like: “He was conflicted because he longed for the freedom of youth but did not want to abandon his family.” Do write something like: “His eyes drifted slowly from the toys and coloring books littering the playroom floor to the twilit evening beyond the window.”The better you know your character, the more real their internal conflict will feel to the reader even though you won’t have to spell it out. Think through the life story of the person, coming up with details, experiences, and relationships he or she had that may never expressly appear in the writing but that will inform how that character would feel in a given instance. When you know what your character has been through, your reader will know what the character is feeling even if that backstory is all behind-the-scenes.What creates internal conflict?Lots of things can lead to internal conflict, and that’s true both in the fictional worlds authors create and in the very real lives we’re all living. For our purposes here, we will treat life and literature as one, for indeed the former is the fodder for the latter anyway.Here, then, are five of the most common sources of internal conflicts.ReligionWhether imposed by society, family, or the self, religion (or a distinct belief set akin to a religion, also known as morality) can cause immense internal conflict when the heart’s desires run up against the dictates of the beliefs. This can be especially powerful in terms of human sexuality.SecretsThe decision to keep or reveal a secret is one of the greatest causes of internal conflict in life and in literature. Keeping the secret can tear us up inside; revealing it can tear apart relations outside. And in some cases, revealing it may save them, which is all the more complicated in a novel or short story.Romantic desire We’re using romantic desire as a shorthand for just that, for the emotional longing for someone, as well as for sexual desire. Both, whether separate or hand-in-hand, often lead to conflict, especially when the focalizer and the object of desire are within the bounds of preexisting relationships. (borchee / Getty)These two opposing forces can create some sparks!Self-interestSometimes purely selfish, sometimes prudent despite the damage it may do to others, acting in our own self-interest can cause great internal conflict as we are torn whether or not to put ourselves first in terms of finances, time, freedom, experience, and on it goes.Self-doubtAlmost the opposite of self-interest in this case, a lack of self-worth can lead a person (or a fictional character) to struggle to know whether to heed their own convictions, tend to their own needs, and make their own choices, or to be used and controlled by others. Overcoming this kind of self-conflict and realizing self actualization is nothing short of a hero’s journey. And it often makes for a compelling read, even in (or perhaps especially in) memoir or autobiography.Internal conflict is not “a rock and a hard place”Here’s perhaps the hardest thing about writing great internal conflict into a character: it’s not clear cut. As you would in your own life, if your character had a clear sense of which was the right choice to make in their own mind, the right proverbial path, the right lover or friend to stand by, and on it goes, he or she would make the choice and move on and your book would be over.Rather than being that “rock and a hard place” quandary where there are no good answers, internal conflict, by its nature, means that there are at least two viable avenues of action. If you, as a writer, are stuck as to what your character should do to create the best story, the good news is you have at your disposal something not available in real life: the chance to try more than one of the options. The readers will never know if it didn’t pan out and you did a bit of editing! If you’re still struggling with the process of writing, you can always check out our recent article How to Write a Book.And if appreciating or writing great literature is not the issue and you are more concerned about your actual, real life internal conflicts, consider looking at the best self help books.