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personal essay

How to Tell if It's Too Soon to Move on From Your Breakup
Heartbreak

How to Tell if It's Too Soon to Move on From Your Breakup

Breakups are incredibly complex and necessitate many layers of healing to fully, completely move on. When relationships matter-- truly, deeply matter-- there’s no off switch when you agree to call it quits. Love and memories still remain.Throw intense emotions, a restructuring of your schedule, a loss of physical intimacy, possibly the loss of your ex’s friends and family into the mix and a one-size-fits-all answer to how soon is too soon to move on becomes almost impossible to figure out.Moving on takes time When you're in the eye of the storm, feeling all the feelings, it’s understandable to seek a fixed and certain time limit on the grieving process. I get it. I know the feeling. Being with your sadness is an act of courage. It’s natural to question how long the process might take. However, my intention is not to provide solid answers or a timeframe. Instead, I wish to share a few tips that, in my personal and professional experience, have yielded a healthy approach to moving on.What is "moving on" after a breakup?I’m a lucky guy. I’ve fallen in love numerous times. Yet, break-ups never get easier. However, I’ve learned that regardless of what led to the end, if I valued and cared enough to establish a consistent, intimate relationship with someone, those feelings of love wouldn't simply go away.Perhaps this sounds obvious. But as years have gone by, I’d attempt to sanitize my feelings, as if moving on meant feeling completely indifferent towards my ex. Naturally, framing it this way led to lots of frustration because the love still remains.My first full relationship ended 10 years ago. I still love her. Another relationship ended four years ago. I still love her. Another ended three years ago. I still love her. Another ended just under a year ago. I still love her too. See the recurring theme?It's a non-linear, illogical processThe difference is although I love my exes and want the best for them, I no longer crave to be close to them or wish to rekindle a romance. Would I like them to be involved in my life to some degree? Perhaps. But I accept that this isn’t always practical. And I accept and have gratitude for the times we shared.If love remains then what does moving on mean? Well, firstly, moving on is a gradual process. It isn’t linear. It doesn’t make sense. I can have days following the breakup where I feel completely fine but then, experience a rough day years after it happened. Matters of the heart aren’t logical. They’re completely absurd. Don’t waste too much time trying to work it all out. The importance is to allow yourself to feel.However, over time, there’s less emotional charge to the memory of an ex. The love — a calm, soothing unconditional love — remains. But there’s no giddiness, ferocious sadness or grief at the loss of what once was. Instead, I find happy memories cause positive reflection.Consequently, I notice storylines around “what could’ve been” settle in my mind. In the aftermath of all breakups, I struggle to see the reasoning. Even when I know it’s the end, part of me wants to plead and bargain, to just find a way because surely love is enough, right?After some time, this bargaining fades and I reach the final stage of grief, which is acceptance.What about meeting someone new?For many people, including myself, the process of moving on may appear to be concluded when we meet someone new. A word of caution on this topic: meeting a new person after a relationship is a tricky territory. It isn’t always a bad decision. But when meeting someone soon after a break-up, it takes a little soul searching to uncover our motives. Does it come from a genuine, healthy place?The most important aspect of moving on is healing. In the past, I’ve moved into new relationships to avoid feelings of pain. I’ve tried to fill the void by meeting someone new. This is an approach that avoids processing and acknowledging pain, and will cause issues to resurface down the line.It must be said though, that it is entirely possible to grow and heal with someone else, if your new partner is understanding and accepting, and awareness is brought into the healing process.That’s a far cry from falling into a new relationship and denying any aspect of pain that remains from a fresh breakup, essentially using the love and attention of someone else as a mechanism to enhance self-worth. Developing a strong sense of selfI’ve previously written about the importance of retaining independence in romance and avoiding Cupid’s Timeline. If the relationship you’re leaving was healthy, then it’s entirely possible you’ll leave with a fuller, whole sense of self. However, codependent traits can seep into any relationship, even with the best intentions.For example, after I’d done a lot of work around codependency, I met someone whose chemistry seemed to ignite the shadow part of myself I naively assumed I had healed. But I’d done the work away from relationships. I was aware of certain tendencies. But it was only after meeting this person that these behaviors and emotional patterns got triggered. Therefore, I needed to confront them in as they occurred in real-time and not in meditation or reflection.Break up the patternI learned that if there’s conflict in a relationship, I have a tendency to project my emotions onto my partner. I expect them to take joint responsibility, as if I were entitled to it. Healthy relationships are supportive, but my emotions are my responsibility. And unless I build and strengthen my ability to process them, the pattern will repeat over and over.For example, let’s say I feel really sad after a breakup. A reflex of mine is to project my sadness onto a partner, for them to make me feel better. After losing my partner, I struggle to process this sadness on my own. Then, I meet someone new, and all of a sudden I feel better and the sadness eases.Without consciousness, I can move from one relationship to the next as a mechanism to handle sadness without ever confronting it. Again, mutual support is essential in loving relationships. But if I always require someone else to process my sadness, anxiety and feelings of insecurity, I will always fall into codependent relationships. This can lead to addictive or poor decision-making when looking for future partners.So how soon is too soon?To conclude, there’s no definitive timeline for moving on. But it’s important to consider the key points of healing from a heartbreak. It is a process that involves forgiveness, processing grief, acceptance, and re-building independence. Honesty with ourselves is required to really check in with how we feel about the loss of someone who, no doubt, has had a big impact on our lives.I know how difficult it is to be with the pain. The impulse is to run, escape, find something to soothe. However, to really grow through a break-up, and move on in a healthy way, we have to sit with the pain, and learn from it. I’ll leave you with these words from Pema Chödrön in When Things Fall Apart:Most of us do not take these situations as teachings. We automatically hate them. We run like crazy. We use all kinds of ways to escape — all addictions stem from this moment when we meet our edge and we just can't stand it. We feel we have to soften it, pad it with something, and we become addicted to whatever it is that seems to ease the pain.Breakups suck, there’s no doubt. But if you have the courage to confront your pain, the process of moving on will act as a huge catalyst for your personal growth.More helpful articles:How Not Talking About Relationship Anxiety Hurt My New LoveThese Are the Two Types of Forgiveness You Need to Move onI Lost My Identity in My Relationship — Then I Found Myself in the Breakup

When Mindfulness Backfires: The Ego-Trap of Inauthenticity
Mindset

When Mindfulness Backfires: The Ego-Trap of Inauthenticity

Mindfulness is authenticity. Through a balanced approach to inner experience and the outer world, we learn to express ourselves genuinely. We uncover deeper truths of who we are, we learn to accept the authenticity of our thoughts and emotions.But on the spiritual path, ego-traps are never far away. And even a practice with authenticity at its core can result in inauthenticity.How?The trap of intellectualizationMeditation has changed my life. The ability to create distance from my thoughts and emotions has enhanced my relationship with myself, with others, and with the wider world. Yet there have been moments where I intellectualize meditation. Previously, I’ve written about my surprise at taking a break from meditation. The space from the practice highlighted that I’d developed a belief that meditation would lead to a certain outcome.Meditation can lead to authenticity, but when intellectualizing the process, there’s a risk of spiritual bypassing — a term describing the tendency to use spiritual ideas or practices to avoid unresolved issues. It’s escapism masked as spiritualityIn my early days, I’d intellectualized the idea that someone who meditates is always calm, present, focused, at ease. This became an issue for me.I was playing the role of the meditatorAdmittedly, meditation did make me calmer, more present, more at ease. However, the issue arose in the moments when I didn’t feel these qualities. At times, I felt anxious, erratic or groggy, or was generally experiencing “negative” emotions. These are all parts of the human experience, of course.Yet rather than experience these feelings -- remember mindfulness is experiential-- I ignored them, and simply acted as if I were calm. I played the role of “the meditator.” The effects of this weren’t particularly catastrophic, but the irony was, in attempting to act mindful, I was sabotaging my mindful practice.In these moments, I wasn’t allowing myself to experience my authentic being.Acting mindful vs. Being mindfulWhat, then, is the difference between acting mindful and being mindful? To explore this further, it’s important to understand the relationship between thoughts, feelings, and actions. When acting mindful, we allow the belief to lead: I should be mindful, that means I should be calm, cool, collected, at ease.Actually being mindful means applying mindful non-judgement to our current experience. We observe beliefs, sensations and feelings, and accept their presence. Our actions, then, aren’t being led unconsciously by our beliefs.However, being mindful still allows us to act against impulses or emotional states. And our ccceptance creates space to remain calm when faced we are faced with difficult emotions.A case study of anxietyTo provide a solid example, let’s say I am experiencing anxiety. In the first scenario of simply acting mindful, I would resist or suppress the anxiety, and tell myself “I shouldn’t be this way.” I’d attempt to act “calm” or “cool” despite my true feels -- This stifles authenticity.When anxiety arises while we actually being mindful, we acknowledge its presence and accept it as best we can. We move freely and express as authentically as possible, even if this expression is acting in a way which feels anxious.The motivation for the behavior in both instances is different. In the first example, we behave in a way we believe we should behave. In the second, we accept our experience and behave authentically, while trying our best not to react or become consumed by thought or emotion.It's not glamorousThe more we develop expectations about meditation or spiritual practice, the greater the risk of falling into ego-traps, or spiritual bypassing. One common mistaken belief is that spiritual growth is all lightness, love, joy, and compassionThese traits are cultivated through practice, but true growth requires facing trauma, and being able to accept so-called negative emotions.As Toko-pa Turner writes in Belonging: Remembering Ourselves Home:"True healing is an unglamorous process of living into the long lengths of pain. Forging forward in the darkness. Holding the tension between hoping to get well and the acceptance of what is happening. “Tendering a devotion to the impossible task of recovery, while being willing to live with the permanence of a wound; befriending it with an earnest tenacity to meet it where it lives without pushing our agenda upon it. “But here's the paradox: you must accept what is happening while also keeping the heart pulsing towards your becoming, however slow and whispering it may be."These words are a reminder that authentic expression involves finding the balance between accepting what is, and keeping your heart pulsing towards becoming.How to stick to the path of authenticityAny time we find ourselves resisting elements of our experience — such as anxiety or sadness — or craving elements of experience — such as happiness or joy — we veer off the path of authenticity, towards an idea of how to be.In these moments, it’s vital we reconnect with ourselves. Exercise forgiveness. Express self-compassion. And then we return to the moment, one breath at a time, re-establishing our desire to move towards authenticity, not to act, but to be.

These Are the Two Types of Forgiveness You Need to Move on
Emotional Health

These Are the Two Types of Forgiveness You Need to Move on

The post break-up period is full of intense emotions, heartache, insecurity, and a continuous loop of memories shared with your ex. There’s no quick fix to navigating the heartache, but there are skillful ways to deal with the intensity, to avoid becoming trapped in self-pity and regret.I don’t move on easily; I never haveHeartache comes in waves, often unexpectedly. I’ve held on to relationships for years, or found myself caught in loops of regret, longing, self-criticism. Holding on always comes with small print: what if things were different?Over the years, though, I’ve learned to let go easier thanks to various tools I use to regulate my emotions and treat myself with increased self-compassion.I’ve had my fair share of breakups. They’re always unpleasant. But now I handle them slightly better. I’ve moved from complete and utter despair to feels like a healthy way to process a loss. It’s victory, of sorts.One practice has been my biggest catalyst to moving on: forgivenessBreakups rarely go smoothly. There’s pain and grief on both sides. To move on, two types of forgiveness are needed: towards our ex and towards ourselves.Forgiving your exLetting go is an overused cliche. Consequently, it runs the risk of losing meaning. To remind myself of what it feels like to let go, I bring awareness to the opposite: what does it feel like to hold on? Holding on keeps me stuck in the past. Energetic attachments — resentment, anger, craving — prevent me from looking forward. These are messy, ugly emotions. Honesty is needed to acknowledge their presence. Only when I saw these energetic attachments did they start to lose their power over me.The end of one relationshipRelationship A was a tough and intense 18 months. I fell hard and fast, and was lost in the beautiful chaos of it all. The breakdown of the relationship was gut-wrenching; my ex left me in Berlin with two weeks’ notice. We attempted long-distance until, during our anniversary celebration, I discovered she’d used Tinder regularly. Ouch.Post-breakup, I was holding on to Relationship A through a sense of righteousness. I made myself the victim. I was bitter and resentful. How could she? Letting go required honest reflection. I explored my bitterness, I befriended it. I cultivated compassion for my ex — I saw her as human: flawed and scared and unsure. The more I humanized her, the more empathy developed. As I exercised forgiveness, I felt the energetic shift. With added clarity, it became apparent I was holding on to anger towards myself, too. To heal this, I needed another form of forgiveness.Forgiveness towards yourselfIn Relationship A, I was angry at myself for letting the relationship get the better of me. I was angry about ignoring red flags. I was angry about overextending. I was angry about falling hard and fast and getting lost in the beautiful chaos.Awareness of this self-directed anger was a huge "Aha!" moment. It opened the door to forgiving myself. A healthy dose of self-compassion was needed. I reminded myself of my human imperfection, of how easy it is to be blinded by love. I tried my best. I wanted to make the relationship work. I did no wrong.Combined, these two types of forgiveness freed me from the shackles of Relationship A. It was a gradual process; occasionally resentment or anger resurfaced. But eventually it eased. Now, I look back on this relationship with kindness and appreciation. I wish my ex well.The different balanceTo further explain, I present Relationship B. This came before Relationship A, but letting go was more difficult because the process of forgiveness was different. To crudely place percentages on a topic that cannot be quantified:Relationship A — 80 percent forgiveness towards my ex, 20 percent forgiveness towards myself. Relationship B — 10 percent forgiveness towards my ex, 90 percent forgiveness towards myself.Relationship B came at a time of great instability. It was a grounding, nurturing relationship while I was anything but. Throughout our three years together, I broke things off numerous times and broke her heart. The relationship ended when I left the UK and moved to Berlin. The irony of this coincidence is not lost on me, though my ego wants to point out that I gave a few years’ notice.To move on from this relationship I had to direct much more attention, at the regret and anger I had towards myself. I felt I’d let her down, that my emotional instability was a form of weakness. Yet I was going through a personal crisis. Forgiveness here meant being compassionate toward my 22-year-old sekf. I reminded myself I did the best I could, with the tools and coping mechanisms I had at the time.Forgiveness isn’t always rational You may be wondering where the 10 percent of forgiveness towards my ex comes from. I needed to forgive my ex... for moving on. As silly as this sounds, such was the dynamic, such was her level of support and forgiveness towards me, that I’d subconsciously developed a sense of entitlement towards her love (I told you breakups were messy).Forgiveness isn’t always rational. My angst at my ex moving on was not rational — of course she was going to live her life. But I still needed to follow the process. Forgiveness allowed me to acknowledge the way I was feeling. And, on a cognitive level, I was able to see how my entitlement wasn’t rational.Ultimately, forgiveness is a gift to ourselves and our ex partners. It allows us to open our hearts, to experience appreciation for what once was, and to release attachments to how things could’ve been. Most importantly, it allows us to truly move on, to let go of memories of what-once-was, return to the present, and enter future relationships with clarity.And if what if we fall into similar traps in future relationships? Then we forgive again.

The Fear List: How I Transformed My Relationship Anxiety by Facing It
Mental Health

The Fear List: How I Transformed My Relationship Anxiety by Facing It

Anxiety sucks -- so so badly. I have had so many anxiety attacks in my life I can’t even begin to remember them all. Of course, when I first started to experience anxiety attacks -- and anxiety in general -- that was not the case. It was as if I kept a laundry list of things that freaked me out in my head so that I could react to them similarly again in the future. And that list just kept growing and growing. If you would have asked me at the height of my anxiety attacks, when my relationship-based anxiety was even affecting things like my job and family, if I thought my anxiety was a blessing I would have told you to kick rocks.But now, when my anxiety attacks only come every few months, and last for minutes not hours, and the prickles of anxiety don’t consume my every thought, I feel differently. I actually think of anxiety as a giftAs I mentioned before, my anxiety is mostly based in relationships. I have past relationship trauma -- when it came to things like my partner getting upset about something or feeling the need to make someone else happy, I came apart. And it was bad. My kids saw it, my mom saw it, my partner saw it, and eventually, my boss saw it too. There came a point where I knew that I needed to change or I would forever be a slave to my fear. I started out on a healing journey that completely transformed the way I thought about anxiety -- and any dense emotion, for that matter. When I say dense emotions, I am referring to emotions that are not always easy to feel. I like to think about emotions as candyFirst of all, no candy is bad candy. Sure, there are some you like more than others but all candy is, in fact, candy. Think of emotions like love and excitement as cotton candy; infinitely sweet and melting in your mouth. But emotions like fear and jealousy are akin to toffee; sticky and hard to chew, sometimes they even hurt your teeth. Understanding that no emotions are bad emotions is only one piece of the puzzle. The other pieces come when you start to better understand what those "toffee" emotions are trying to tell you. Dense emotions are a road map They only come when you are triggered by one of three things: either a boundary, a past wound, or a value. And when you are triggered, you can actually begin to work on yourself and heal your past pain or establish solid boundaries. When dense emotions arise, they are actually leading you towards something you can heal in your life.If you didn’t have that dense emotion to guide you, you would not know what you needed to work on so there would be no way to continue to grow as a person. On the surface it can seem like everything would be better if you just never had to overcome all that pain in the first place. But that is not life. Even the people who have never suffered through the kind of massive pain that we would typically think of as "trauma" have still experienced trauma and are affected by their wounds. When you learn to heal you past wounds using your dense emotions to guide you, everything in your life begins to change. Not only do you grow but you also deepen your understanding of other people and their emotions. The war against anxietyIf you are still trapped in the war against anxiety and just want to get out, I know how you feel. And trust me, I am in no way advocating you remain caught in that infernal battle. I am simply suggesting you start thinking of anxiety in a different way. Start listening to what you are feeling because of whatever external triggering occurred and start to address those feelings. The fear listOne of the quickest ways that I learned to start really exploring the blessing of anxiety is to make a list of all my fears. You cannot slay a monster you don’t know you are fighting. The first time I tried this I was shocked. The things that were causing me anxiety came out and I could actually name them. Do you honestly know what you are fearing every time anxiety rears its ugly head? Start with the fears everyone has, like spiders or being kidnapped, then dig deeper. Pour everything out onto the paper. You may be surprised to see what starts to come out as your mind gets more comfortable. By doing this activity I learned that I actually feared all of my feelings. Thanks, in part, to this realization, this is no longer the case. Now when those dense emotions pop up I ask myself: where is this feeling coming from? What is the internal cause of this hurt? And then I chew the heck out of that toffee.

I Lost My Identity in My Relationship -- Then I Found Myself in the Breakup
Heartbreak

I Lost My Identity in My Relationship -- Then I Found Myself in the Breakup

It was a dark period of my life. The warning signs were there. I’d internalized the myth of romantic love. The idea of The One infiltrated the work I’d done on self-empowerment.I felt I’d arrived; that this relationship was the destination. I didn’t realize I was placing my worth and emotional needs in the hands of someone else.Then the relationship crumbled -- and I crumbled tooIt was a dark period, but a necessary one. This particular breakup led me on a humbling journey of self-discovery, fuelled by the question: why do I feel this bad?It wasn’t my first breakup, and wouldn't be my last. But I was lost.Losing the relationship felt like losing a part of meBy the time this relationship ended, some years ago, I already had an established meditation practice. I was aware and working on taking full responsibility for my emotions, to avoid the egoic trap of seeking fulfilment in the external. But we all have blindspots, and mine was romance.I came face-to-face with my lost identityThis was a powerful moment in my understanding of my ego and self-image. I needed to reach this point to come face-to-face with the feeling of lost identity. Through meditation and self-enquiry, I leaned into the sadness, the sense of loss. My “healthy” grief was accompanied by a sense of worthlessness.As I reflected, it became clear I’d always looked to romance for validation. In basic terms, this translated to:I’m worthy and loveable because my partner loves me.I compensated for a lack of self-love by placing my sense of worth in the hands of someone else’s love. In addition, I found feelings of codependency had formed. Heart in hand, I gave responsibility for my happiness to someone else.It doesn’t take the Dalai Lama to tell you this is a recipe for disasterAwareness and acceptance is the first step in change. Once I’d clearly seen these traits and started to understand why I felt so bad, I was ready to transform. The journey to rediscovering identity is long, difficult, and ultimately never ends. All journeys begin with a single step.Here are 4 steps to rediscovering identity post-breakup: 1. The honest assessment of your inner worldThe very first step is an honest assessment. I needed to explore my inner-world with compassion and non-judgement; this wasn’t a time to ignite the self-critic, but time to curiously enquire. Questions I asked myself included:Where am I giving my power away?What expectations did I hold about emotional fulfilment in this relationship?Where am I seeking fulfilment in the external?These questions revealed that I handed responsibility for my happiness to my partner, that my self-worth was filtered through the prism of romantic relationships. Ultimately, it highlighted a painful truth: I lacked trust in my ability to love myself.2. The honest assessment of the outer worldEmotional dependency may be invisible. It manifests in emotional and mental realms, like expectations, entitlement, or feelings of resentment, bitterness or anxiety.Once I gained clarity on my inner world, I turned to the external. What behavioral traits and activities were powered by my loss of identity? How had I given my identity away in the physical world?I discovered two areas: life balance and goal settingThe way I was investing my time was imbalanced. I prioritized my relationship over my interests, activities, and friendships. I’d defaulted to seeing my ex — free time in my schedule was automatically spent with my beloved.My goals were sacrificed too. I realized I’d disconnected from what I wanted from life, and from my inherent values. What I saw as an act of love was a way of neglecting my own dreams and desires. I put my partner first. I forgot myself.3. Who am I?Once I had clarity on the emotional, mental, and material, I looked into the spiritual aspect. I explored the areas in life I was not taking responsibility for self-fulfilment, self-love, and self-care. Then I asked: who am I?This led me down the rabbit hole of unlearning beliefs I’d developed about my identity. I explored my spiritual nature beyond ego. I made a vow to myself to remain conscious and aware of the way my ego-identity forms. I reconnected with the part of me beyond all concepts. I started to feel my own power.4. Rebuilding the relationship with your selfUnderstanding that my identity was not attached to the external allowed me to rebuild my image authentically. I connected with my values and cultivated self-compassion.I took a curious attitude towards myself. I learned about my needs and authentic desires. I wanted to know myself away from all definitions, all relationships, all labels. I took this time to prioritize my relationship with myself.Practically, this meant time alone. To flourish in future relationships, I became aware that I needed to feel whole. If placing my needs on someone else was a cause of suffering, I needed to work on caring for myself.This didn’t mean isolating myself — I still turned to friends and family for support — but it did mean making a life-long commitment to support myself, too.From the darkness to the lightBecause I’d gone from relationship to relationship, it was important for me to detox from being a couple through this period of learning and growth. I developed a sense of self-compassion and self-love.What started as a period of darkness has given me true independence.Better still, taking responsibility for my emotional needs has freed me to love more authentically. It’s erased a sense of neediness. That’s not to say old habits don’t return at times. Do I slip into codependent traits? Occasionally.But what is important is the awareness and the willingness to avoid mistaking my identity for anything that can be lost.More proof you can get through your breakup:Here's How to Survive a Holiday Breakup-- and Thrive InsteadThese Are the Two Types of Forgiveness You Need to Move on7 Strategies for Surviving Toxic Relationships – and Thriving After4 Reasons Why Not Winning The Break-Up Can Be Good for You

How I Learned To Cope With Eco-Anxiety and Climate Despair
Self-Development

How I Learned To Cope With Eco-Anxiety and Climate Despair

I was in attendance at a press conference recently when I first heard the term “eco-anxiety.”The physician on stage told the stories of the Inuit communities she’s worked with, who have been witnessing, and living with, the effects of global warming and climate change for years.I remember feeling a sense of relief — there were people out there suffering from the same worry about climate change as I was. It is a very real thingTurns out there are many ways to describe this condition, be it “eco-anxiety,” “climate anxiety,” or “climate despair. Whatever you want to call it, there is no denying that it is real.No, there is no official clinical definition for it yet, but it is not surprising that the phenomenon is on the rise considering the collective, growing awareness of the environmental crisis we are facing.Personally, my mind started imagining climate change’s worst scenarios nearly a decade ago. I remember watching Superstorm Sandy wreak havoc on New York City in 2012 like it was yesterday. I sat there in shock and disbelief, staring at the images of the storm’s aftermath on my television. It hit too close to home (literally and figuratively)At least 53 people were killed in NYC alone, as a result of the storm. Major hospitals were evacuated and shut down, hundreds of thousands of homes and vehicles were destroyed, and economic losses were registered in the billions.A profound sense of fear and despair washed over me. Something told me that the world would be seeing a lot more of these kinds of intense storms in the future — and I was right.At first, I was angryI felt guilty and I felt scared. My anxiety was soaring high. I was angry because in my mind, too many people were actively denying that climate change was real and it felt as though no one was taking the threat seriously. I felt guilty because I was part of the problem and I felt scared of the unknown.All these questions were coming up: Is climate change even real? If it is, how is it going to affect my future and that of my loved-ones? Is climate change a good reason not to have children? I had none of the answers to any of these questions and I felt totally hopeless.Luckily, my late mother raised me to be a warrior Life has taught me the importance of confronting uncomfortable issues head on, instead of ignoring them in hopes that they will go away––because they never do.Pretending climate change is not a real threat is not an option for me. If you too have been feeling anxious about climate change, you’re not alone. There are ways to cope and to channel your worry into action. Here are some ways to cope with eco-anxiety:1. Acknowledge, accept, and talk about your feelingsIgnoring negative emotions is easy. Unfortunately for most of us, it has become second nature, to our detriment. Feeling scared? Angry? Worried? Sit with it. Avoiding uncomfortable emotions only make things worse in the long-run. Instead of suppressing your fear, worry and/or anger, allow yourself to feel it. It’s normal to feel these emotions, it comes with being human. Get curious about how you’re feeling: explore your emotions, write them out, and be open to what they’re trying to teach you. Talk about how you’re feeling with people you trust. Sharing is a good way to release tension.2. Mourn the lossMuch like “eco-anxiety” is real, so is “ecological grief”, and with grief comes mourning. Take all the time you need to process any and all feelings of loss you may be experiencing. Whether you’ve been directly impacted and lost your home or pet, or find yourself grieving the future you envisioned for your children, grief is no joke and it needs to be embraced (rather than suppressed) so that you can move forward.3. Empower yourself by turning negative feelings into positive actionOnce you’ve acknowledged and accepted your feelings and the anxiety they’ve stirred up, you can start channelling them into action. The first step here is to identify what you can do and to zero in on your interests. Yes, the fight against climate change is unprecedented, but I’m a firm believer that there is hope in action — no matter how small. For instance, if you love to travel, you might want to consider taking fewer planes to get around. If you love the ocean, you could volunteer to remove trash from your area’s beaches and waterways. If you’re into investing, make sure you’re putting money into companies that divest from fossil fuels. No matter how big or small, these actions add up.At the end of the day, I’m not encouraging you to simply get rid of the anxiety. Instead, I challenge you to make it easier to deal with by using it as motivation for change. We’re all in this together.

How to Handle Being the One Friend Who Doesn't Have Kids
Friends

How to Handle Being the One Friend Who Doesn't Have Kids

Pretty much everyone close to me has kids now. It wasn’t a gradual development, either.I’ve always had a strong group of friends (mostly women), and when we hit our mid-thirties, none of us had any kids yet, with no signs of that changing on the horizon, I thought that was it: we were an anomaly, a rare breed of bad-ass childless wonders, and that was that.But then my best guy friend in the world announced his girlfriend was pregnant, and today they’re a family of four.From where I was standing, it happened fast:Within a year of my best friend's announcement, one of my closest girlfriends decided she didn’t want to be the only person in her family without children, and the next thing we knew, she was expecting.A year after she gave birth to a beautiful baby girl, another friend in our tight knit group who’d been married a while but was convinced she couldn’t get pregnant naturally, suddenly did! We were all over the moon. Her baby boy was born almost two years ago.And so it continued, expanding outward, with seemingly everyone I knew announcing baby bumps on social until I felt I was a solo settler living on one of the very few remaining non-parental planets.The "aunt" friendWhile it’s been an absolute marvel playing cool auntie to a brood of beautiful babes currently aged 2-4, and an incredible experience watching my friends grow and mature into parents with myriad new challenges to face, I must say: it can be hard being on the outside of the shenanigans known as pregnancy and childhood.They say the grass is always greener, and maybe it’s true, but being the one without kids is not a simple, clear-cut matter. Personally, I am no longer single, and I am not even sure if I want to have children or not. Yet, nonetheless, it has been harrowing at times to be on the outside of an experience they all share.Here are 3 realizations about being the friend without kids:You need to reach out firstAnyone with friends who have recently (or even not so recently) become parents will likely mention the same phenomenon: it’s not that your new parent friends don’t want to see you or be your friend anymore, but they have a baby, for god’s sake!If you want to hang out, not only is the proposal going to have to come from you, but any hanging out is going to have to be 100% on their terms—their schedule, their choice of activity, and their mood.Does this seem callous somehow? Maybe, if you’re incapable of empathy. Yes, it’s true you might feel a bit (or a lot) de-prioritized, but if your friendship is strong enough, this will constitute evolution rather than bonafide distancing!Conversations get interruptedThis is a big one, particularly among my women friends, as, sadly, the reality is that women’s time post-childbirth is compromised far more than that of their male partners.While some of this makes sense, since only women can breastfeed, for example, a lot of it seems rather socially ingrained, with men feeling more entitled to hanging onto adult leisure time than women.The result is that I almost never get to hang out with my friends anymore without one or more of their babies/toddlers present, and while this means endless fun and lots of unforgettably cute moments, the fact is that we can’t talk like we used to—about work, about relationships, about feelings—because there’s usually a tiny hand tugging on someone’s hair or an outburst of tears just a few minutes in.Be prepared and sympathetic that this is even more frustrating for your friend than it is for you.Other life challenges seem to pale in comparison to childrearingEspecially for new parents, the only thing in the world that matters is their child: their health, their feeding schedule, their social skills, their bad or good habits, their general development, the list goes on. And why shouldn’t it?So if you had a bad date who couldn’t stop talking about him or herself all night, or your new waxing salon isn’t up to par, or you’ve simply been kind of sad and feeling isolated from your friends because they all have kids and don’t have as much time or energy for you as before, it may not feel important enough to bring up in the face of other topics of conversation that seem to have a hell of a lot more to do with raising a freaking human being.The choice is yours, but most friends worth holding onto will still give a damn about your feelings even after they become parents—even if they don’t have the same level of energy to give to you.Embracing being auntie (or uncle)Different and confusing though it may be when your child-laden friends relegate you to auntie, one thing’s for sure: although it’ll never be quite the same as it was, that’s perfectly alright.The fact of the matter is that whether one has a child or not, anyone not living with their head in the proverbial sand is bound to go through a number of major transitions in life— and your friendships either evolve and adapt to suit your new circumstances, or you eventually shed them and move onto new ones that better suit you in your own personal growth.

Healing From Trauma Can Be Fun -- Here's How I Did It
Mental Health

Healing From Trauma Can Be Fun -- Here's How I Did It

“We will look deep into your pain and conquer your demons.”“It may be challenging but it will be so worth it.”“It’s time to be brave enough to work through your trauma.”“Don’t worry, you can do it, and I will be there to support you when it gets difficult.”These are all real statements that I was confronted with while looking for a coach to help me overcome the trauma of a past abusive relationship.All of the quotes seemed harmless... All I heard was that in order to heal, I was going to have to accept that it would be difficult, challenging, and painful. And that was the last thing I wanted. At the time I was in a new healthy relationship but all of the PTSD from my ex was coming right back up and wreaking havoc on my life. I honestly feared I was going to lose my boyfriend because of my own toxicity. Despite that fear, I sure as hell didn’t feel brave enough to open up all my wounds and experience all my pain all over again. I was already doing that on a daily basis. The rhetoric I was hearing was only reinforcing my fearUnfortunately, I was stuck in that fear and pain for a really long time. I remember thinking:Why do I have to keep going through more and more painful things just to have the life and love that I desire?It made me angry. And lonely -- really really lonely. It honestly made me feel that I wasn’t good enough to heal. That I couldn’t conquer my pain. That my reality would just be wrapped in my past trauma forever. It made me feel like I had lost my whole life to my abusive ex -- not just the years I had given him while we were married. The wrong message with the right intentionNow, I know that those coaches, healers, and positive beings of light had no intention of their words having this effect. They were genuinely just trying to be supportive. And I am sure that many people don’t hear what I heard within them. However, I also know that there are people out there that definitely, whether consciously or not, hear that discouragement in those attempts to be caring and motivating. They, too, are allowing that discouragement to keep them stuck in their pain.Eventually, I started reading books and healed myself enough to not be afraid of diving into my pain, so I hired a coach. And then another coach. And another. But a whole new problem was coming up. I was not getting the level of healing I neededYes, I learned a lot of tools but my daily anxiety was still affecting not only me, but those around me. I yearned to be free of all the fear and guilt and yet I couldn’t seem to find a program that worked for me. It was making me doubt myself all over again. Then one day, I was playing Dungeons & Dragons with my kids and I had an idea. What if healing wasn’t something that we had to think of as healing? What if I could actually shed the belief that healing could only be achieved through a ton of work, effort, and struggle? What if healing could be fun? What if it could be a game? That realization changed my lifePhoto Credit: Toa Heftiba on UnsplashI have always been a lover of all things fantasy and nerdy. I eat fiction books for breakfast and have watched all the anime. I cosplay and play both video and tabletop games. I even write my own fiction work. But before that time, I had not thought about the possibility that the content I adore being used as a tool, not just to bypass my pain, but to consciously overcome it. It is my deep held belief that as humans we have forgotten the power of our imagination to shape our reality. Yes, with the growth of different manifestation strategies and methods that have come to the surface over the last few decades we are rediscovering that power. But, what if we used our imagination to experience the things that we are too afraid to truly dive into in our physical life?I gave my journey a storylineI created a character of me, a world she lived in, and a monster that I was going to overcome -- the embodiment my fear of being unlovable. When I learned a new skill, had a new realization, or addressed a new wound I would level up my character and give her gear and storyline. I narrated her world like it was a novel. Each challenge or panic attack I faced was a quest I made her go on. I would see her overcoming things as I did. And it worked. Not only did I find that my healing was becoming a reality that was deeply and profoundly changing the way I interacted with the world, but I was no longer daunted or overwhelmed by the idea of my own growth. I was having fun. Fun is the keyIt made my world feel free again. After you have gone through a traumatic experience -- whether it be abuse or a bad injury or just simply getting fired from a job -- the last thing you want to do is to have your journey to heal that trauma be traumatic too. Don’t get me wrong: I am not saying that the methods and philosophies of the coaches that were trying to help me didn’t work for other people or weren’t effective. I am sure that they were. But they were giving my brain ammunition to keep me stuck and therefore nothing was clicking. That is why the power of fun is so important. As humans we learn through stories and we deeply want to imagine and create. Give yourself the freedom to let what you imagine take you to levels you never dreamed. Through imagination we reconnect to our soul. To the childlike wonder we once had for the world. To the freedom that is within us. Since discovering the power of fun, I am no longer burdened with the pain and the guilt of the past. My relationship is stronger than ever and I haven’t had a panic attack in years. The best part is: my character is still growing and learning and taking on bigger and bigger quests. And I am still enjoying the journey more than I ever thought possible. So, stop buying into the belief that growth must be challenging but instead ask yourself, how can you make it fun. How can you make it an adventure worth having?

My Breakthrough Moment: Writing a Letter to My Younger Self
Self-Development

My Breakthrough Moment: Writing a Letter to My Younger Self

If you’ve ever sat down to write a letter when you’re mad or upset, you know the experience can be cathartic. It’s the same when you address the letter to yourself — your younger self.Don’t let the past control your present. If you hold onto things that upset you — even something you’ve done to yourself — it can create a cloud of negativity that follows you around for years.Instead, face the past head-on with a letter to your younger self, just like mine below.A Letter to My Younger SelfDear Kayla,You’re a full-fledged adult now, can you believe it? At 15, you wanted the years to fly by. Now, I just wish they would slow down. It’s not all bad. Being an adult, and all of the freedom that comes with it, is even better than you imagined. The ability to make a pizza at 3 a.m. without mom asking what you’re doing. Heading off on road trips with your husband. Setting your own schedule to do what you want, when you want. I wouldn’t trade it for the world.There are some things I wish you would have done differently, though. If only you had known then what you know now. That’s why I’m writing to you!You don’t know it yet, but after you graduated and moved out of mom and dad’s, you struggled to find my place in the world. You bounced from dead-end job to dead-end job. You felt unsatisfied with life. Then, when you started blogging, you finally felt a sense of satisfaction — accomplishment. It took a long time to get there, though.Be serious about school. It may not seem like a big deal now, but it will later. Listen to your teachers, strive for good grades, study for the SATs and get into a good college. It will make things easier, I promise. Education is how you challenge your thinking and become a better person.It was in college that you learned more about meat production. It’s where you decided to give up eating meat. It’s been a great decision, and you feel healthier every day for having done so.I don’t hold my past decisions against myself — don’t worry, you can keep the bacon for now — but I wish there were some other things I had known. Maybe if you would have changed majors, you would have been a little happier? (We both know you love writing poetry, but were too afraid to do anything about it!)Now, you have a career you love and write poetry as much as you like – just not professionally. Who knows, maybe you’ll get there!Though you probably should have done some things differently (i.e. branched out more and joined a few clubs and organizations), you’re right where you need to be now.Don’t give up, even when you feel like you should. Life gets a whole lot better.How to write your own letterIf you want to write a letter, you may not know where to start. To get a sense of what you want to get out of the letter, start with a simple goal. Maybe you want use the letter as a topic for a college essay. If this is the case, jot down some key areas you wish to address in your letter to get an idea of what points to talk about.You may not even know what you want from the letter, and that’s okay, too. Just write!I wanted to confront my mistakes, so I wrote about what bothered me, what I wish I had done, and where I ended up in life.Doing this felt sort of like a diary, but because I directed the letter towards a more naïve, younger version of myself, it was easier than I thought.After writing my letter, I felt a sense of clarity like never before. Almost like my life flashed before my eyes, though less dramatic. The process meant I had to be honest with myself. What’s the point of writing a letter made for someone else to read? Dig out the heavy stuff. Who can you get personal with, if not yourself?If you plan to write your own letter, it’s crucial to detect self-deception — when you lie to yourself. It can be easy to believe your own lies We all want to paint ourselves and our past actions in the best light, even when it’s far from the truth. However, real growth comes from brutal honesty. Here's how writing your letter will open things up for you:A confrontation In writing a letter to my younger self, I can confront my decisions and gain peace. It’s over — done with. I can’t change it. All I can do is hope to get closure.The same goes for my decision to stop eating meat. When I first discovered how manufacturers made meat products, I felt guilty for my participation. I believed, because of my purchase habits, I was responsible for the horrible conditions. I lacked compassion for my own choices, whether right or wrong.At 15, I know I wasn’t thinking about where my food came from and how it was made. I was thinking about boys and college and getting my driver’s license.In college, I was afraid to pursue a career that I’d really like because I didn’t know how successful I would be. Even if I worked hard, how good could it really get? I decided to major in English instead, which proved to be just fine, but I beat myself up a lot after college for chickening out.Feeling bad for myself did nothing constructive.In the end, I was able to write for a living, which is just what I wanted. Though it’s not poetry, I can still pick up a pad and pen whenever I please. Even though it wasn’t in the cards, maybe it will be someday.The idea is to confront your emotions in a raw and honest way.If you have any trouble, start with a sentence a day and work your way up to a letter. How was your day today? How will you make tomorrow better? Eventually, the thoughts will just flow, and you’ll have written a page in no time.A sense of peaceIf you’re exceptionally hard on yourself, you’re not alone. I’ve gone through the negative cycle of berating myself for past mistakes, even though the outcome can’t be changed. However, self-criticism can take a toll — on both our minds and bodies.Our brains are trained to distinguish the good from the bad. When we sway from our goals or expectations, we assign a negative value to the experience. Writing a letter to my past-self allowed me to access the more compassionate side of my brain — to analyze the situation in a new light. We’re human, and we all make mistakes, no matter how evolved we are. The trick is to learn from mistakes in order to not make them again. So far, I think I’m doing alright in that department. You’ve written the letter — now what?Once I wrote my letter, I signed it, sealed it in an envelope and — stuck it in a drawer. Sorry if that’s anti-climactic, but it’s the truth.It’s not about who reads the letter or where it ends up. It’s about the writing process. Typically, dwelling on the past is a vicious cycle, but writing is a healing process that has real benefit. When you talk to someone, as in traditional therapy, you get the opportunity to vent your feelings and frustrations. When you write a letter to your younger self, you try to understand and learn from past decisions and emotions.Don’t just relive past eventsFocus on the emotions you felt and consider how you changed for the better as a result. This exercise can be especially beneficial for those who are introverted, like me, and prefer to keep to themselves. Writing a letter to your younger self isn’t hard. Just pick up a pen and get going. Consider life events that have shaped who you are and how you think. When finished, seal the letter away to reflect on later. Likewise, you can toss it in the trash and consider it the end to a healing experience.What will you write next?

My Journey From Panic to Public Speaking
Self-Development

My Journey From Panic to Public Speaking

When my anxiety was at its peak, I had multiple panic attacks every day. My body was always on high alert, fight-or-flight always active, heart-rate always elevated. My "worst case scenario" mind was overactive and incessant, fuelling a constant sense of foreboding.When even the smallest interactions and everyday challenges trigger extreme anxiety, you can begin to lose hope.Indeed, I did — I felt I couldn’t cope with life’s challenges. How will I ever thrive and be free to live the life I want, if I’m forever crippled by fear?Fear was my default stateSo imagine my response to genuinely nerve-inducing situations. Catalyzed by the addition of normal nerves, these situations felt unbearable. My anxiety was often triggered by anticipation alone.Panic attacks became so frequent I lost count -- but one moment has stayed with me."I can’t cope"Public speaking is challenging at the best of times, but during this period of my life, it was the cause of despair. Even the vague possibility of public speaking caused vivid mental images of nightmare scenarios. Choking, losing track, stumbling over words: “I can’t cope…”It’s a normal day. I’m at university. The workshop is relaxed; I’m not. There’s a group of around 12. These are my peers; many are friends. With a couple of sentences, we’re asked to share our ideas for an upcoming project. Just a few words. Just speaking. In public...As soon as I hear the sentence “let’s go around the circle,” I begin to lose control The usual symptoms are there — the lump in the throat, hyperventilation, racing heart, a sense of utter terror. But I remember this panic attack because it was different.It was the first time I left the situation. It was the first time I walked away. I didn’t attend further lectures that day. Instead, I walked home, closed the curtains, got into bed, and shut myself away from the world, as “I can’t cope, I can’t cope, I can’t cope…” played on loop in my mind.Taking the stage and finding the flowFast forward a few years: it's not quite a normal day. I’m in the exquisite and enchanted Castello di Titignano for SAND Italy 2019. The room is relaxed. Weirdly, I’m relaxed too. This is weird because I’m about to step to the podium and present at a conference for the first time.The crowd of faces aren’t just peers, but respected artists, philosophers, scientists, writers, and spiritual teachers. A subtle hum of imposter syndrome resides, somewhere, in the recesses of mind. But I don’t pay attention.As soon as I hear a volunteer utter the sentence “where’s the next speaker?” I feel calm. I take to the stage. I clear my throat. I speak. I don’t choke. I find flow. I enjoy myself. Me. Speaking publicly. Enjoying the experience. Thriving… How did I make this journey from panic to public speaking?Naturally the journey has been long and full of challenges. I can’t summarize the entire journey in one article, but I wish to share four key pointers that have helped the most. I believe they will assist your journey, too.1. I used the power of vulnerabilityVulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage aren't always comfortable, but they're never weakness.Brené BrownWhen I reflect on those days of panic, I’m struck by how much energy was used trying to “hold myself together.” I was terrified of being seen. I was so terrified of my anxiety being detected that I became a master of disguise. Many close friends and family had no idea what I was going through at the time.The more anxious I felt, the more I tried to hide. I was attempting to veil my vulnerability. This was intensified with public speaking. The moment my hands started to shake or my voice trembled, I’d do all I could to pretend I was fine, okay, calm.Slowly, I found the courage to remove the facadeThe process of vocalizing brings anxiety from the shadow into the light. It reduces energy wasted with futile attempts at concealment. To my surprise I felt instant relief when I labelled my anxiety. Later, I realized this was the first step in the process of acceptance.2. I took a mindful approachPanic disorder is the fear of anxiety itself. It’s anxiety about anxiety! Nerve-inducing moments were so difficult precisely because they triggered this chain reaction. Mindfulness is the practice of non-judgement. Through meditation, I learned to accept thoughts, feelings, and sensations. I paused the chain reaction.Then, using mindfulness, I started to deconstruct “panic” into its individual parts.I broke panic down into the stories I was telling myself.I noticed I was oxygenizing panic by telling myself I was weak or foolish or incapable. In the light of awareness I was able to challenge these thoughts. Further still, I noticed resistance to the physiological “cues” of panic. I sat with them in meditation. Like apparitions, they lost their believability over time. Thoughts are just thoughts. Feelings are just feelings. Sensations are just sensations. Through awareness and non-judgement, my reaction to anxiety decreased. I was no longer afraid of anxiety. I welcomed it.3. I built a connection with the crowdYou feel nervous. You’re counting down the seconds until it’s your turn in the spotlight. You take the stage. You look out to a sea of faces. The rich tapestry of unique individuals is now dehumanized and threatening. You feel disconnected and separated: it’s you versus the crowd. My toughest moments with anxiety were fused with a sense of isolation. Perceiving yourself in opposition to the crowd only increases anxiety. It’s impossible to feel supported and loved. It’s impossible to sense the crowd wanting the best for you.Breathe individuality into the crowd. Don’t look out at a sea of faces. See an opportunity to talk one-on-one with a room of beautifully unique beings. Make eye contact with individuals, and every time you do, have the intent to connect, human to human. Transform "you versus them" to "us."4. Step aside and surrenderSeparation, fear of being judged, fear of failure, catastrophizing… these are ego traits. We often associate ego with narcissism and pride, but our egos are equally active in moments of self-doubt or insecurity. From this perspective, fear of making a fool of yourself is a form of narcissism; it’s just motivated from the other end of the ego spectrum.The good news is — you are not your ego.Once you feel comfortable on stage, the next challenge is to embrace it, to enjoy it. The best way to do this is to surrender completely. Move out of your way and let your authenticity speaks for itself. Surrender fears, doubts, concerns.This takes great courage. It’s the ultimate act of vulnerability.Never forget...If you’re suffering from anxiety, I want you to remember hope is not lost. Take small steps. Aspire. Create a vision to move towards and know one day, you’ll look back at the path you’ve walked and you’ll be amazed.All the habits, mechanisms, and tools you apply in your return to baseline don’t lose their power -- they place you on a path of life-long growth.