Does it seem like life is always easier for other people? Does it seem like the proverbial deck is just stacked against you? Opportunity never seems to come knocking, while problems seem to walk right in uninvited, right?
Life is like that for everyone sometimes, no doubt about it. But for people with a victim mentality, life is like that each and every day. See, the operative word in those questions above is “seem.” Because with exceptions, more often than not other people are facing all the same types of challenges you are, life is not oriented against you, opportunity is waiting, and troubles are evenly distributed.
So why does life appear harder, less fair, and less fulfilling to you? Perhaps because you are suffering with a victim mentality.
Also called a victim complex (or, less often, a victim syndrome), the victim mentality is a state of mind in which you tend to put the blame for the challenges and troubles in your life on anything but yourself. You may blame your problems on others, on your upbringing, on your location, on various other circumstances beyond your control (or perceived to be beyond your control, at any rate), or on mere bad luck.
The victim complex is not to be confused with cynicism or pessimism, which are the beliefs that most people are motivated by self-interest and that in most cases the worst that can happen will happen, respectively; cynics can be quite motivated to take control of their lives and effect change, while pessimists may expect the worst but don’t necessarily take things personally just because things are (or might be) bad.
RELATED: What Is Groupthink? How To Avoid This Common Bias
If you think you may have developed a victim complex, consider these 10 common aspects of the victimhood mentality – if many or most apply, it may be time to work toward reframing your view of self, others, and the world at large.
1. You consistently avoid taking responsibility – It’s never going to never be your fault. And it’s never going to never be your charge. But if you have a victim complex, you may be able to trick yourself into feeling that you’re never the responsible party, whether that means owning up to a mistake or taking the reins of a task that needs doing.
2. You perceive life as easier for everyone else – and with this all too often comes resentment, which can damage relationships with family, friends, and colleagues, erecting barriers between those that could help you – barriers that may be inexplicable to others, and thus only grow more entrenched as they react to the feelings you exude unbidden.
RELATED: No Mud, No Lotus: Why Growth Can’t Happen Without Self-Acceptance First
3. You do not seek solutions to problems – Even when you do know there’s an issue at hand and you’re the one that needs to handle it, if you just don’t put in the time and effort to do so, instead giving up and letting it pass (or, worse, letting it fester), that’s a clear sign of the victim syndrome.
4. You are not self-confident – Self-confidence is a struggle for most people, but the resilience to keep trying even when we’re not sure you’ll succeed builds it up, and as it builds, so too does success tend to follow, thus starting a beautiful cycle. The person with a victim complex often experiences the reverse, though: lower and lower self-confidence leads to reduced achievement and a downward spiral is created.
5. You can find an excuse for everything – “Oh, it was a Friday, I couldn’t get to it.” “I think it got lost in the mail.” “I told Tom to handle that, I guess he dropped the ball.” “I never learned how to do that.” And on it goes. Excuses don’t help a thing, only solutions do.
6. You give up easily – If throwing up your hands and walking away from a challenge is your M.O. then you may well be playing the victim, convincing yourself it’s OK to give in rather than dig in for the long haul.
RELATED: Open-Mindedness: 5 Practical Steps To Open Your Mind
7. You cede control to other people – Leaning on people for help sometimes is one thing, and a healthy thing at that; letting other people have all of the control in life, whether they want it or not, is unhealthy, and that goes for you and for them.
8. You are often irritable – When the world is against you, it’s easy to understand why you’d be angry a lot of the time. But the world is not out to get you, and the sooner you see this, the better you will feel.
9. You often consider yourself powerless – Do you find yourself often saying things like: “Someone ought to do something about that!” or “They should really change that!” or “People shouldn’t treat me like that!” or the like? Guess what? You’re someone. Do something about it. Make the change. Stand up for yourself.
10. You have a tendency toward self-sabotage – Self-sabotage takes on many forms, but it is essentially an act that you perpetrate despite knowing it may or will have negative impacts on your life without the likely chance for much benefit. It can be a coping mechanism, a self-protection tool, or even self-inflicted punishment, but if a routine behavior, as is common for those with a victim complex, it’s a problem.
The Biggest Problem With a Victim Mentality
If you are consistently unable to accept that some or even many of the issues holding you back in life are self-created, then you will be unable to overcome them and move ahead. Without taking responsibility, there is no taking charge, and until you take charge of your own life, you will never thrive.
RELATED: What Is Self-Esteem? A Comprehensive Guide
This is not to say you need to see every last problem in life as your fault and yours alone to fix – there are more than enough difficulties out there for which blame in no way rests on you!
The Good News About the Victim Mentality
Many personality traits are innate within us. Some people are just more energetic and adventurous, while others are calmer and more cautious. Some people are predisposed to generosity, others to self-preservation. Some people are funny. Some people are sharp. These types of personality traits cannot be changed, only honed or tempered.
A victim complex, on the other hand, is what we call an acquired personality trait, also known as an acquired characteristic. It’s not innate within anyone to always feel themselves the victim and other people or other forces to blame for their problems, failures, or shortcomings. And just as it can be acquired, a victim mentality can be shed. Identifying yourself as having a victim mentality is the first step toward overcoming it and moving toward a better era of your life.
Military Dad Defends His 4 Little Daughters When Strangers Make This Rude Remark
Military Dad of 4 Daughters Defends His Girls When Strangers Make This Rude Remark
Austin von Letkemann is the military officer strangers feel "sorry" for — and the reason is infuriating.
Whenever the devoted father leaves the house with his four children, strangers can't help but notice the officer in uniform is holding hands with 4 adorable little girls. They will tell the traditionally "masculine" and "all American" dad they feel sorry for him, because he has no sons. This dad makes one thing very clear: They are his daughters, they aren't a burden.
In a passionate video, von Letkemann took to Instagram to share with his followers that the only thing that's "difficult" about being a girl dad — is clapping back to these sexist remarks over and over again.
They Mock His Daughters To Their Face
When strangers approach Austin von Letkemann and his four daughters, they don't always realize that their comments are being overheard. They seem oblivious to the fact that his girls understand every word. Von Letkemann describes how people will approach him and, without thinking, make remarks like "I'm sorry" or even joke about his lack of sons. What they don't realize is that these comments, intended to be light-hearted or humorous, can be deeply hurtful to his daughters. These strangers are not just disrespecting von Letkemann's choices as a father; they're also sending a message to his daughters that their presence is something to be pitied. It’s a message that von Letkemann won't stand for, and he's speaking out to defend his girls from these insensitive remarksSaying "Get Your Shotgun" Isn't Funny — It's Sexist
Another common comment that Austin von Letkemann encounters is the old "better get your shotgun ready" trope, often delivered with a smirk or a wink. This line is typically intended to suggest that a father with daughters should be on high alert to protect them from potential "suitors," implying that they are objects to be guarded rather than individuals with agency.
Von Letkemann finds this line of thinking outdated and sexist. In his viral Instagram video, he points out that these jokes are not just stale — they're damaging.
By suggesting that his daughters require armed protection, the joke reinforces the idea that women are inherently vulnerable and need to be shielded from men. Von Letkemann argues that instead of promoting this narrative, society should focus on teaching respect and consent, challenging these sexist tropes at their source.
Watch Austin von Letkemann's Video:
"If I Had A Fifth Child, I'd HOPE It Was A Girl" — One Dad's Message For Other Parents
Despite the constant remarks about his lack of sons, Austin von Letkemann is clear: He wouldn't trade his daughters for anything.
In fact, he told his Instagram followers that if he were to have a fifth child, he would hope for another girl. This declaration isn't just about doubling down on his pride in his family — it's a pointed response to those who see fathering daughters as a misfortune.
Von Letkemann's stance is a powerful one, rejecting the notion that a family is incomplete without sons. He encourages others to question the assumptions behind these comments and to appreciate the joy and fulfillment that his daughters bring. By sharing his story, von Letkemann hopes to create a more inclusive perspective on fatherhood, one that values daughters just as much as sons.