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emotional health

Avoidant Attachment Style: How to Identify and Overcome A Fear of Intimacy
Relationships

Avoidant Attachment Style: How to Identify and Overcome A Fear of Intimacy

Attachment theory is one of psychology's prevailing relationship frameworks. It originated from the work of psychologist and child development expert, John Bowlby, in the 1950s. Since then, attachment theory has gained popularity and become a popular topic in relationships, trauma recovery, and self-development.Bowlby referred to attachment as “lasting psychological connectedness between human beings.” Everyone needs emotional bonds to thrive. But traumatic experiences early in life affect the way those bonds are formed. The effectiveness of Bowlby’s model is thanks to the four different attachment styles — anxious attachment, avoidant attachment, fearful avoidant, and secure — and the way in which these styles affect adult relationships.RELATED: Here’s Why Being a Hopeless Romantic Is Actually a Very Good ThingThe way in which we receive and give love largely depends on our attachment style. Each style has associated behaviors and coping mechanisms. Avoidant attachment, as the name implies, leads to behaviors such as withdrawing from love, avoiding intimacy, and putting up emotional walls.It’s tricky to detect. However, in order to have intimate, deep connections and fulfilling relationships, this attachment style has to be identified and overcome. So what are the signs of avoidant attachment? And how do you start the healing journey?What Is Avoidant Attachment?Bowlby’s work, and subsequent research in the field of psychology, highlight a strong link between the quality of caregiving a child receives, and the child's future relationships. Born into the world completely dependent on others to survive, the way in which our needs are met, or unmet, has strong repercussions throughout life. A person's early environment will shape the traits they develop, conforming roughly to one of the four main attachment styles.Avoidant attachment is caused by caregivers that are neglectful of an infant's needs. Over time, a child in this situation begins to internalize the belief that their needs won’t be met, or aren’t important. Parental behaviors, from not responding to cries, or ridiculing them for being upset, all reinforce the child's belief their emotions and needs aren’t important. Parents who set exceptionally high standards for their children, who are emotionally distant or cold, all contribute to this attachment style's development.Infants as young as one year old have been found to attempt self-regulation and self-soothing — to meet their needs independently — when a caregiver fails to support them. According to research, children with avoidant attachment “may view others as untrustworthy and develop positive but unrealistic self-perceptions, with an excessive focus on their ability to overcome difficult situations on their own.”How Avoidant Attachment Impacts Adult RelationshipsInternalized patterns continue through various stages of development. Someone who excessively focuses on independence may go on to become incredibly successful in business, for example. But high levels of independence don’t relate well to intimate relationships, which require interdependence and vulnerability. Unsurprisingly, someone with an avoidant attachment style will translate as emotionally unavailable.That doesn’t mean people with avoidant attachment styles lack emotion, quite the opposite. “The avoidant person quickly presumes that others are keen to attack them and that they cannot be reasoned with, Alain de Botton writes in The Course of Love, adding:“One has to escape, pull up the drawbridge and go cold. Regrettably, the avoidant party cannot normally explain their fearful and defensive pattern to their partner, so the reasons behind their distant and absent behavior remain clouded and are easy to mistake for being uncaring and unengaged, when in fact the opposite is true: the avoidant party cares very deeply indeed, it is just that loving has come to feel far too risky.”Afraid of repeating the trauma of neglect, someone with an avoidant attachment may withdraw, what psychologists call deactivating their attachment system. They distance themselves and rely on self-regulation, a practice they had to adopt when young. This is an unhealthy coping mechanism. Psychologist Hal Shorey explains how deactivation leads to “low sensitivity to social cues, blunted emotions, and ignoring or suppressing negative social perceptions.”Due to fear around expressing emotions, avoidant attachment styles tend to suppress their thoughts and emotions, while struggling to express their needs or show vulnerability. Outwardly, it may appear someone is “held together.” Inwardly, this is a facade to avoid their deep wounds of rejection.How to Heal Avoidant AttachmentThe promising news is that attachment styles are not life sentences, but deeply ingrained behaviors that can be changed. With care and attention, people with avoidant attachment can transform the way they relate, and cultivate a secure attachment style. Because avoidant attachment is oxygenized by suppression, even the willingness to acknowledge issues is something to celebrate, the first step of a healing journey.Attachment styles are intertwined with trauma, and for many people, therapy is the most effective solution. However, therapy isn’t always easy to access or affordable, and in those cases, there are steps to be taken inwardly:Start with compassion: all infants deserve love, care, and attention. That’s sadly not always the case, and behaviors developed while young, in order to survive, deserve compassion.Meet your inner child: as an adult, you have the opportunity to “reparent” yourself, to meet the wounds head-on, and to overcome limiting behaviors, thoughts, or emotions that prevent you from giving or receiving love. That starts with integrating your inner child.Acknowledge your desire for love: a basic need for love and intimacy may be buried under layers and layers of defense mechanisms, in the form of justification, excuses, or avoidance tendencies. Being able to begin to acknowledge a desire for love allows you to begin exploring all the things preventing you from that.Be mindful of the ways you withdraw: the more awareness you bring to the way avoidant attachment affects your relationships, the more you can start to notice patterns and make different choices. In the beginning, that may just be noticing what triggers withdrawal or suppression.Some experts have argued the therapeutic relationship is successful in healing attachment wounds by reenacting a parent/child relationship, this time focusing on a healthy dynamic. The same, in theory, can apply to other relationships, be it friendships or romantic relationships. Because avoidant attachment wounds are interpersonal, much of the healing occurs in relationships.RELATED: The Platonic Relationship: Everything You Need to Know About Platonic LoveThat requires an understanding partner, someone you’re able to communicate with openly and explain the work you’re doing to overcome emotional blockages. Having the courage to express avoidant tendencies is an empowering step: not only in self-awareness but in alleviating potential feelings of rejection in a partner who translates withdrawal as a lack of caring. For avoidants, this is significant, because it’s the beginning of stepping outside of the belief of having to always be independent, and starting to turn to others for help. In turn, that can promote healthy co-regulation, the ability for two people to work together to overcome difficult emotions or stressful situations.Independence, in modern times, is held high on a pedestal. But the truth is, we are all stronger together. Learning about your attachment style, and working to overcome its limitations, is success in its own right.KEEP READINGIntimacy vs. Isolation: The Most Important Balancing Act of Adult Development

What Is Emotional Dysregulation? A Comprehensive Guide
Emotional Health

What Is Emotional Dysregulation? A Comprehensive Guide

Everyone has overreacted at some point in their lives. It’s part of being human. However, if extreme negative reactions become your norm, there may be something deeper going on, namely emotional dysregulation. Whether brought on by extreme stress or as the result of childhood trauma, emotional dysregulation can affect your quality of life and your relationships.Here’s what you need to know about emotional dysregulation, including the key warning signs and when to get help. What Exactly Is Emotional Dysregulation?According to the American Psychological Association, dysregulation is defined as “any excessive or otherwise poorly managed mechanism or response.” When it comes to emotional dysregulation specifically, this might look like not being able to calm down, acting with aggression, being passive-aggressive, creating conflict, avoiding tough emotions (i.e. shutting down), behaving impulsively when emotions get out of control or ruminating on negative thoughts.Essentially, when you’re emotionally dysregulated you lack the coping skills to react rationally. You might feel confused or overwhelmed by your feelings to the point that you can’t manage your behavior, take care of yourself or make decisions. (Getty)Emotional dysregulation is a spectrum: Some people may become dysregulated after experiencing a prolonged period of stress when they’re feeling like they’re at the end of their rope. The “straw that broke the camel’s back” metaphor may come to mind here: When emotionally dysregulated, adults may act like toddlers, having a tantrum over something seemingly trivial. Others may have cultivated extreme emotional dysregulation as a result of childhood trauma and their outbursts are more habitual, or even their norm. In these cases, these people may become diagnosed with a mental health disorder. Where does emotional dysregulation come from?Psychologists often point to reactive attachment disorder as a root cause of emotional dysregulation. When children suffer from abuse or neglect in childhood, they don’t form healthy attachments nor do they learn now to properly regulate their emotions. Typically, parents who struggle with emotional dysregulation won’t be able to teach their own children healthy coping skills, causing the next generation of emotionally dysregulated adults. What Are the Signs of Emotional Dysregulation?The following outlines three of the most common signs of emotional dysregulation: High levels of anxiety or depressionPeople who are emotionally dysregulated may also deal with anxiety or depression, with one issue influencing (and exacerbating) the other. They may feel strong levels of shame or anger (toward themselves or others) as well. Finally, even they may have difficulty sleeping or always feel exhausted. Self-harm or self-sabotaging behaviorsAnother sign of emotional dysregulation is relying on unhealthy coping mechanisms. When someone is not able to properly cope with their emotions and regulate themselves, they might turn to substances like drugs or alcohol as a means of escape. They might also binge eat or control their eating as a way to feel less out of control emotionally. In extreme cases, they may also have suicidal thoughts or attempt suicide. Difficulty maintaining healthy relationships(Getty)It’s challenging to be in a relationship with someone who is emotionally dysregulated. They may be prone to outbursts or even become verbally abusive. An emotionally dysregulated person may hide their emotions or have a hard time having a vulnerable or revealing conversation. They may also hold grudges or blow minor conflicts up into huge blowouts, which can ruin their relationships. What Should You Do if You’re Feeling Emotionally Dysregulated?If you feel like you’re not dealing with your emotions in a healthy way, there are many avenues for getting help and learning how to regulate your emotions. Here are some options you can try:Find a therapist who’s trained in cognitive behavioral therapy Even if you think you’re not the therapy type, nearly everyone can benefit from talking to a mental health professional. This is especially so if you think you’re emotionally dysregulated. Typically, those who suffer from emotional dysregulation benefit from working with someone trained in cognitive-behavioral therapy, a type of therapy that combines talk therapy with changing habits and learning strategies like mindfulness and acceptance. A therapist can work with you to modify your behavior and build new practices to help you regulate your emotions. Practice skills that lead to emotional regulationWith or without the help of a therapist, you can start practicing emotional regulation, building new neural pathways in your brain so you can change the way you currently react. First, you can try noticing your feelings and trying to name them as they come up, which can increase the time between a stressful or challenging situation and your response. You can also work on mindfulness, either controlling your breathing or becoming aware of your body in other ways to help you stay rooted in the moment without getting lost in the storm of your feelings. Finally, you might try affirmations and gratitude journaling to build your relationship with yourself and help you to focus on the positive. Maintain a healthy lifestyle Implementing a strong self care routine can help improve emotional regulation. Eating healthy food, making time for exercise and getting enough sleep can support both your physical and mental health. When you feel good physically, you often feel good mentally as well. (Getty)Consider antidepressants Work with a therapist and a psychiatrist if you are worried about your emotional dysregulation and feel like the aforementioned coping strategies aren’t enough for you. Sometimes, a chemical imbalance is the root cause of emotional dysregulation and the right medication can help ease the symptoms. Rule out underlying conditionsConsider talking to your doctor if you’re concerned that you might have a physical illness that could be affecting your mood. Getting the necessary blood tests and check-ups that your doctor recommends is a good way to rule out any underlying conditions that could be causing issues mentally. When Should You Get Support? If your reactions to everyday stressful situations are causing issues in your life, it may be time to seek additional support. Talk to someone you trust—a partner, friend or family member—about your feelings and to get some validation. This person may be able to help you realize that you need more support in regulating your emotions. Then, find a local therapist (or one online) who you can speak with to help you develop healthier coping mechanisms.Emotional dysregulation can get worse over time if left untreated, as your neural pathways become more familiar with outsized or extreme reactions to challenging situations. Working on regulation skills ASAP can help you change these ingrained patterns and help you develop healthier ways of expressing—and accepting—your emotions.

Managing the Self-Critic in You: A Comprehensive Guide
Emotional Health

Managing the Self-Critic in You: A Comprehensive Guide

Our thoughts create our reality. This is especially important to keep in mind when examining how we think about ourselves. At its best, our inner monologue can empower us to make great strides in areas of our lives we care deeply about. Encouraging ourselves that we're going to get that promotion, getting excited about a first date or thinking positively about the day ahead overall can shift our mindset and even our outcome in certain scenarios.Conversely, having a harsh self-critic can skew situations negatively. Thinking you're not good enough to land a new job will likely impact your performance during a job interview. Telling yourself you're not worthy of dating a quality person can cause you to self-sabotage on a first date. Waking up in the morning thinking you won't be able to complete the day's work successfully, that your boss hates you and that your coworkers don't think you're competent are all thoughts that will fill your day with negativity.Bottom line: Managing the self-critic in you is important for a fulfilling life. It's perfectly natural to have the occasional doubts about yourself or examine yourself critically from time to time. However, the key is to manage these thoughts and channel them into positive change – not dwell on them or accept them as truth.In this article, we'll explore what self-criticism is, reasons why we self-criticize and how to manage your self-critic.What Is the Self-Critic?(Getty)The self-critic has been examined by psychologists and scientists alike. Acclaimed psychologist Sigmund Freud referred to the self-critic as the superego, is formed during the process of internalizing external views of ourselves. Freud noted that this process starts in childhood, where we internalize our parent's thoughts about ourselves and believe them as truth. As we grow into adulthood, societal norms and expectations also shape our self-critic, particularly in areas where we fall short of our peers.Our self-critic has also been examined from a more scientific lens. Constantly looking for threats in our environment, similar to the way our self-critic looks for reasons why we might fail, was thought to be a survival skill. Author Shirzad Chamine examines this in his book, Positive Intelligence: Why Only 20% of Teams and Individuals Achieve Their True Potential and How You Can Achieve Yours. In addition to our hypervigilant self-critic being on the lookout for potential threats, Chamine also says this is why our parent's views about ourselves shape our self-critic. As children, we rely on our parents to survive. Because of this, we follow them blindly, accepting their criticisms instead of examining whether or not they're true. The belief that our parents are right about everything, including their perceptions of us and our shortcomings, can manifest as a harsh self-critic in adulthood. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) also examines ways to manage the self-critic. Known in CBT by the self-critic's output, automatic negative thoughts, this type of therapy works to identify the core beliefs that shape us, then challenge these thoughts with facts to dismantle these beliefs. For example, when a therapist is working with someone who believes they are a failure, the mental health professional may ask questions and look for instances that disprove the theory, based on the person's life experiences.Tips for Managing Your Self-CriticNow that you understand what your self-critic is and how it's formed, lets explore ways to manage your inner monologue and negative self-thoughts. 1. Take an evidence-based approachSimilar to the way therapists work with clients in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, examining the evidence of the thoughts we have about ourselves can be a powerful tool for managing our self-critic. It's easy to believe negative thoughts about ourselves that our self-critic brings up, especially when they've been engrained in us since childhood. However, examining the thoughts we have about ourselves from both sides can help prove our self-critic wrong. (Getty)For example, say you're leading a meeting with coworkers for the first time, and your self-critic tells you that you'll fail. Take a moment to list out factual statements of why you might fail in that situation. Next, make a list of facts that show you won't fail. While there may be facts on both sides of the list, having evidence on both sides of the scenario proves that your self-critic isn't 100% accurate.2. Keep a journal of your thoughtsOne challenge of managing the self-critic is that we spend so much of our time listening to our inner monologue. Because of this, the negative thoughts we have about ourselves can become so routine, we may not even notice how often we think poorly of ourselves, put ourselves down and talk ourselves out of doing something we truly enjoy just because we're afraid to fail.One way to start managing the self-critic is to keep track of the negative thoughts we have throughout the day. This can be done through journaling, or even by taking a moment to pause and recognize a negative thought when we have it. The more aware you are of the negative perceptions you have about yourself, the easier it will be to pause when these thoughts come up.3. Shift your thoughtsStopping your self-critic from continuing to dismantle your self-image once a negative thought comes up is easier said than done. One powerful tool for shifting gears can be taking yourself out of the environment you're in and doing something that makes you feel present and doesn't allow your mind to ruminate on the negative thought. For example, taking a walk outside and examining your surroundings can pull you pack into the present and keep you from getting deeper into negative thoughts. (Getty)Or calling a friend and talking about a different subject can shift the focus onto something positive. Plus, speaking with someone who enjoys your company and values you as a friend helps you see yourself in a more positive light. 4. Swap negative thoughts with real thoughtsIt's unrealistic to think that you can manage your inner self-critic by simply swapping a positive thought in place of a negative one. However, taking a negative thought and reframing it into something real and evidence based can start to positively shift your inner monologue. For example, instead of forgetting a friend's birthday and saying, "I'm a terrible friend," rephrase that to say, "I try my best to be a good friend but sometimes I'm forgetful." Making a small edit to a negative thought can go a long way in managing your self-critic. 5. Approach your thoughts as you would a friend'sOf all the thoughts we have about people, the ones our self-critic holds about ourselves are often the harshest. Because of this, sometimes it can help to examine the negative self-thoughts we have about ourselves as if a friend was having them. If a friend came to you and said, "I feel like I can't do anything right, I'll never amount to anything," it's doubtful you'd agree with that thought. Take the advice and compassion you'd offer to a friend who felt this way about themselves and offer it to yourself when your self-critic brings them up. Self-Criticism SummaryThough it may not always feel true, we are in control of our self-critic. The thoughts we have about ourselves are our own. While it's natural and healthy to look for ways to improve ourselves, it's important to remember and celebrate all of our positive qualities and attributes, and to work towards self-acceptance. Pay attention to negative self-thoughts when they come up, examine what facts are true about these thoughts and work on processing the thought and moving on from it rather than ruminating on it. It can take time to learn how to manage your self-critic, but it's worth doing.

A Collection Of Tips To Learn How To Let Go
Emotional Health

A Collection Of Tips To Learn How To Let Go

Holding on to things we can’t control can cause us a great deal of stress and unhappiness. It also keeps us stuck in the past, and keeps us from growing and living our lives freely. If we want to be happy and free, then we need to learn to let go. Trauma occurs in the nervous system, when an event happens and our systems freeze in place. In order to let go of that stress, we have to reset our nervous system. Attachment is mental and emotional fixation on something we think we need or want. We get attached to things like people, views, outcomes, or material possessions. Many of us walk around with fear of abandonment and other trauma attached to our experiences growing up. These fixations and obsessions create irrational fears and thought patterns within our minds. Many of us confuse the feeling of pleasure or emotional gratification, with happiness. Happiness is both a passing emotion and overall state of being. You don’t have to be happy in the moment to be happy overall. True happiness comes from freedom from suffering, not emotional pleasure. Yet our society teaches us that if we achieve or acquire things that bring us pleasure, then we’ll be happy. Happiness takes work and an understanding of the different energies within our body and surrounding us everyday. Holding on is also a habit. Our behaviors are so deeply ingrained in us that we just hold on to things without even realizing it. In addition, we’re afraid to look at ourselves because we may not like what we see.The Benefits of Letting GoIt’s easy to hang on to things that are no longer serving us, such as unhealthy relationships, habits, and thoughts that maybe once offered something of importance to us, but not longer do. A part of the growth process is to grow apart, move on and evolve, and in many different forms.(Getty)In terms of relationships, it’s important to not hold on too tightly to your partner. Independence and freedom are critical to healthy growth and interaction. Without it, couples begin to mold into each other and lose the passion that once made the relationship so fun and interesting. Without being challenged, we aren’t able to let go of the comfortable but toxic habits we’ve built up. We end up carrying that around with no true way to express it. When you learn to let go, you’ll attract healthier people in your life. Energy is real and the feeling you put out into the world will be received and reciprocated. Moving with a free and open energy will attract that same energy into your life. You’ll inspire people to also let go and be open.If we hold on to something, we can’t move forward. We cannot grow emotionally if we hold on to something we think brings us happiness. If you keep holding on to things around you, then you will remain stuck in the past because things are always changing.As you learn to let go, your self-esteem and self-confidence will grow. When you realize that you won’t die from letting go of things you thought you needed, you will be able to pursue things that are healthier for you.(Getty)Tips on Lettings GoMantras can be an extremely helpful way to help you let go of things you’ve been holding on to for too long. How you talk to yourself can either move you forward in life or keep you stuck in the same old habits. Often, having a mantra that you tell yourself in times of emotional pain can help you reframe your thoughts, calm your nervous system and stay in control. It can help you prevent that trauma from setting in the first place.Clinical psychologist Carla Manly explains,, instead of utlising terms and phrases like, “I can’t believe this happened to me!” try a positive mantra such as, “I am fortunate to be able to find a new path in life — one that is good for me.”It’s not uncommon to hear someone say that you should distance yourself from the person or situation that is causing you to be upset. According to clinical psychologist Ramani Durvasula, that’s always a good idea. “Creating physical or psychological distance between ourselves and the person or situation can help with letting go for the simple reason that we are not having to think about it, process it, or being reminded of it as much.” (Getty)Sometimes distance is the necessary step in letting go and moving on. It takes discipline and can be extremely tough, however in a sense, we can be addicted to people and thoughts just as we are to other things. Distance is a key factor in letting go and moving on. Focusing on yourself is also of the highest importance. You have to clearly address the hurt that you’ve experienced. Working through your feelings will help you rationalize, digest and come to powerful conclusions about your situation. Taking the time to take care of yourself outside of your experience is also important. Go to the gym, eat healthy, practice self-care and self-love. Each day lay a brick in the foundation of a healthy mental model. It will make a world of difference. The more we can bring our focus to the present moment, says Lisa Olivera, a licensed family therapist, and the less impact our past or future has on us. “When we start practicing being present, our hurts have less control over us, and we have more freedom to choose how we want to respond to our lives.” By building an ecosystem around ourselves and our daily habits that promote letting go and forgiveness, we will ultimately lead healthier and happier lives. Having engrained actions that allow us to calm our nervous systems, unload stress throughout the day, and remove projected emotions away from our partners and relationships, and out into the world, gives us the opportunity to experience our present more clearly and openly than ever before.

Solitude: How You Can Benefit from Alone Time
Self-Development

Solitude: How You Can Benefit from Alone Time

On average, we spend most of our time interacting with others. Whether it's in a professional capacity at work, at home with our family members or roommates and even while running errands like picking up groceries, interacting with others is a large part of where our time is spent.While there are plenty of benefits to being social and maintaining relationships, it's important to note that spending time alone is essential to our mental health and well-being as well.Spending time alone offers a much-needed break from constant social interactions, allows us time to decompress and explore our own thoughts and feelings about our experiences.This article will explore the importance of being alone, the benefits of alone time and how to ensure you use your alone time to your personal advantage.Why Is Alone Time Important?(Getty)There are a few reasons why spending time alone is so important. Here are a few core reasons why alone time plays an integral role in our lives.Alone time offers time for creativityDepending on the type of work you do, engaging in a group brainstorm may be something you're accustomed to doing. While building off the ideas of others and collaboration certainly has its place and benefits of its own, exploring your own personal creativity through your own unfiltered outlet is important to do as well. Being creative on your own allows you to tap into your own personal tastes and interests and gives your mind a break from the constant input and assessment of others. In fact, one study found that highly creative people tend to purposely disengage from social activity for certain periods of time in order to do this. Alone time improves personal developmentConstantly being surrounded with the presence of others means you're always engaged with other people's thoughts, opinions and perceptions. For example, think about the way you determine the activities you engage in when you're with someone else or in a group of friends. You're likely to do what the majority wants to do rather than what you truly want – especially if no one else is interested in the activity or hobby you'd like to try. Spending time alone allows you to tap into the things that interest you, which expands your personal growth and development. Alone time increases your social energyHave you ever had a week that's been particularly packed with social plans? Maybe it was a full week of work followed by after work happy hours, children's activities and family engagements. If that week left you feeling exhausted, you're not alone. Engaging in social activities has its benefits – but spending all of your time conversing and interacting with others will likely leave you feeling exhausted and depleted of energy if you don't have or make any time to recharge.Spending time alone allows you to give your mind a break from constant conversation and interactions with others. For example, allowing yourself a few hours of alone time before the start of a busy week can leave you feeling recharged and ready to engage and speak with others – rather than exhausted by the idea. Why Does It Feel Hard to Spend Time Alone?If spending time alone is good for us, why does it sometimes feel hard to do? Here are a few reasons why it may initially feel hard to spend time alone.(Getty)You haven't had much experience with spending time alone. Anything you begin to do for the first time can feel challenging – and spending time alone is no exception. If you're constantly used to being in the presence of others, suddenly spending a large amount of time by yourself can bring negative feelings to light. Being cut off from the constant stimulation of others can feel upsetting. In this case, it may be best to start with short amounts of time and gradually ease your way into spending more time solo. You feel that being alone is a bad thing. We've been conditioned to believe that being alone is a bad thing. Sitting alone in a park, eating out at a restaurant solo or even seeing a movie by yourself tends to get looked down on in society. If this is the case, spending time in a non-public venue may be the best starting point before venturing out. You have distressing thoughts when you're alone. If you haven't spent much time alone and have gone through something hard or distressing recently, being alone can eliminate distractions and cause these unprocessed thoughts and feelings to present themselves. Though it may be uncomfortable, it's important to sit with these thoughts and process them instead of continuing to distract yourself with constant social interaction. How to Spend Time AloneSpending time alone can be easier said than done – especially if your work life and living situation leave little room for doing so. Here are a few tips to help you get started and benefit from alone time.Take a walk. Taking a walk forces us to be present in the moment. It gets us out of the house and away from others and eliminates distractions (especially if you opt to leave your phone at home). Taking a walk is also an activity that's socially acceptable to do solo, so it can be a great starting place for those who feel uncomfortable with the social stigma of being alone.(Getty)Set time aside. Find time within your schedule that you can block out to be alone each day. This can be as minimal as blocking off a lunch hour on your calendar where others know not to disrupt you or taking the long way home from work to have an hour to yourself before returning home to roommates and family.Stay away from your screen. Whether in public or private, it's important that alone time isn't spent on a screen scrolling through social media. Make a plan. In order to minimize distractions and benefit from alone time, plan what you're going to do during the block of time you've set aside. This can be reading a new book, taking a walk in a new neighborhood or engaging with a new solo hobby.Summarizing SolitudeSpending time alone is just as important as social activity when it comes to our mental and emotional health and well-being. It's important to strike the right balance between spending time with others and allowing ourselves to rest, recharge and process our thoughts and feelings on our own. In order to capitalize on the benefits of alone time, consider starting small – especially if spending time alone initially feels uncomfortable or unappealing. Learning to enjoy your own company can be a process – one that takes time and intention. But doing so not only has personal benefits but helps improve your social interactions and relationships with others as well.

Holistic Wellness: What Is It and Why Is It Important?
Mental Health

Holistic Wellness: What Is It and Why Is It Important?

Holistic wellness, as a lifestyle concept and an approach to overall health, has become increasingly popular. The phrase can be used in a range of contexts and encompasses numerous alternative health practices, so it can mean a variety of things. For the most part, it is understood that wellness—or being well—is something most people generally aspire to. But what exactly is holistic wellness? Considering the whole personEssentially, holistic wellness is an approach to physical, mental, and spiritual health that considers the whole person in the pursuit of health, happiness, and spiritual wellness. It is often used to describe the overarching approach of many alternative or complementary medicine disciplines as well as a general approach to living a healthy, full life. Instead of simply looking at specific issues, whether they are health complaints like a chronic or acute illness, lifestyle issues such as diet, exercise, or weight gain, a holistic approach to wellness takes every aspect of a person’s life into account in order to find a place of healing, balance, and positive energy.In this guide to holistic wellness, we will explore what a holistic approach to wellness truly is, why it’s important, and how you can work towards achieving it.Holistic wellnessHolistic wellness strives to bring a person’s mind, body, environment, and spirit into balance. The two most common ways to think of holistic wellness are as a medical approach to wellness (also called holistic medicine) that promotes overall health, and more generally, as an integrative lifestyle practice that strives toward overall wellness.Integrative health approach and lifestyle concept in oneAs an integrative health approach, holistic wellness solutions center on treating the whole person in order to prevent and treat health issues while also promoting general wellness. As a lifestyle concept, holistic wellness is all about achieving optimal health in mind, spirit and physical wellness through a variety of methods that revitalize the whole person while also addressing specific issues or problems. Optimal health and holistic wellness solutionsHolistic wellness has become increasingly popular as more and more people strive toward balanced wellness, self care, intentionality, and living a better life. Generally, as the name implies, holistic wellness is about striving for being well in a way that utilizes every part of a person’s life, including the body and mind, emotional wellness and mental health, spiritual and social wellness, and overall wellness. Holistic means knowing and valuing the interconnectedness of all the parts of something. So, rather than just focusing on symptoms or specific issues, the concept involves how every aspect of a person intersects to influence their overall wellness, including even their personal relationships. Holistic care looks at many factors in order to design a whole person approach that can improve a person’s whole life, in an expansive sense as well as down to the tiny details. If you were to go to a holistic wellness center, they would focus on a number of key factors, that would take into account a person’s:FitnessDietIntentionalitySpiritual healingMental healthSocial healthNutrition(Westend61 / Getty)Physical activityOpennessMental statePhysical fitnessFinancial healthEnvironmental factorsEmotional healthOrigins of holistic wellnessThe concept of holistic wellness, self-healing, and the importance of treating the entire person rather than just a specific illness or condition goes back millenia and has roots in many ancient cultures. Eastern medicine, Ayurvedic medicine, and traditional Chinese medicine are all based on this holistic, interconnected approach. The term holistic comes from the Greek holos, meaning whole. Combined with wellness, you get the whole person approach to health, healing, and happiness. Ancient Greek physician Hippocrates, who is considered the father of medicine, was also a proponent of this approach to health care.Ancient Chinese philosopher Lao Tzu (also called Laozi, which translates to Old Master) is also considered a pioneer of this way of thinking. He promoted the idea that mental, physical, and spiritual health intertwine. Lao Tzu, who was the founder of philosophical Taoism, advocated for a slow, mindful approach to wellbeing, which is encapsulated in this saying that’s attributed to him: “The journey of a thousand miles starts with one step.”Why is holistic wellness importantThe Interconnected perspective promoted by holistic wellness allows for a deeper understanding of the root causes and underlying issues that may be contributing to physical and mental health conditions or general malaise. Additionally, this holistic care philosophy hinges on the idea that untangling the issues that are preventing someone from living their best life is the key to achieving balance and optimal health in all areas.So, for example, if you have a nagging discomfort, such as back pain or headaches, or you feel stressed or depressed, a holistic approach to treating those issues would not be limited to those specific ailments. Yes, those problems would be addressed in a relatively normal way. Say, for example, your back pain required chiropractic care - you would check they accept insurance, and could have it paid for by your work’s health plan. (AJ_Watt / Getty)However, an holistic approach would also consider all the non-physical ways that your discomfort was manifesting itself. Every other aspect of your life that might be contributing to those conditions would also be considered and treated as well.A variety of optionsHolistic wellness centers offer a variety of treatment options that can facilitate this holistic approach to medicine and optimal living. Some of these options include homeopathy, acupuncture, herbal medicine, traditional chinese medicine, breathwork, and other complementary and alternative medical practices. Ultimately, holistic medicine strives to treat the whole person to uncover the underlying issues that may be contributing to such ailments as depression, grief, pain, anxiety, skin conditions, stress, trauma, and marital problems.A productive way to understand the concept and benefits of a holistic health and wellness approach is to think about how issues like excess stress, poor sleep, inadequate nutrition, financial insecurity, and the legacy of racial and social injustice can exacerbate or cause a variety of other mental and physical health conditions. So, if you only treat the symptoms, such as the stomach aches or headaches often caused by stress, insomnia, or poor sleep, you will miss the root causes and the problems will persist.How to achieve holistic wellnessHolistic wellness can be achieved through a variety of methods. In fact, it is often necessary to approach striving for overall wellness by pursuing many avenues of change in one’s life. Consulting holistic wellness centers and practitioners is a good place to start. You can work with a range of providers to make a plan that will foster spiritual and emotional growth as you finetune your mind and body.Other ways to promote holistic wellness include self care, optimal nutrition, breathwork, exercise, meditation, yoga, listening to music, mindfulness, optimism, stress management, and counseling. (Deepak Sethi / Getty)Even small changes can result in big steps toward the goal of wellbeing. Additionally, many people find that once they get the ball rolling toward positive lifestyle changes, future changes become easier to start and maintain.Ultimately, striving for holistic wellness can help you overcome challenges like depression, make progress in therapy, reduce stress and anxiety, achieve optimal physical and emotional health, develop new ways of thinking, and achieve greater life satisfaction.Key takeawaysHolistic wellness promotes wellness in all areas of life, while honoring the interconnectedness of every aspect of the human experience. This approach to health and living your best life teaches us that you are not truly well unless all areas of your life are balanced and in an optimal state, including mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual health.Pursuing holistic wellness is one way to root out issues that may be undermining your ability to fully realize your potential and enjoyment of life. This lifestyle, mental health, and physical health approach can help you discover your healthiest, most balanced, energized, centered, and dynamic self. Even better, those that embrace holistic wellness often find that they arrive at a state of health and happiness like they never imagined—and end up living a better life.

The Teeth-Falling-Out Dream: What Does It Mean?
Emotional Health

The Teeth-Falling-Out Dream: What Does It Mean?

Experiencing physical trauma in a dream can be very unsettling, to say the least. And sleep disturbances don’t just affect your sleep quality, they can also leave you feeling a little freaked out.In fact, many of us instinctively check our body for damage when we wake up after one of these unsettling REM sleep events, even though we know it won't really be there. In the end, all we can do is get up and just go about our day, trying our best to shake off any lingering feelings. Still, regardless of whether they were simply unusual or recurring dreams, they can still affect your mental health, whether temporarily or in the long run. In the case of recurring dreams, sufferers will find that these can result in poor sleep quality, among other negative side effects. One of the most disturbing dreams you can have about your own body is when you see your teeth falling out. According to research, the teeth falling out dream is a very common dream to have; nearly 40 percent of people report having such a dream. While everyone remembers losing their baby teeth as kids, few people can say they have actually experienced their adult teeth falling out. In these dreams, however, there's usually no tooth fairy bestowing gifts. Even if there is no actual dental distress, such dreams are full of dental tension, teeth grinding and instinctual teeth clenching.RELATED: What Your Dreams Say About You and How it Can Help You ImproveDo you want to know more about teeth-related dreams, and what a dream interpretation might tell you? Good! You’re in the right place. While dreams don't necessarily reflect one's waking life, trying to make sense of your dreams can be helpful in examining your daytime experiences.A good dream interpretation has the potential of providing a deeper meaning to those classic teeth falling out dreams and may help you feel less concerned if you happen to have one. Read on for more information on this unique type of psychological distress, and how to overcome these and other typical dream themes. Why Teeth Dreams Can Be DisturbingPhoto by Alexandra Gorn on UnsplashTeeth are vital to our everyday lives, especially since we use them functionally to chew and socially to smile. It’s no wonder that dreaming your teeth are falling out can be pretty scary, no matter who you are or what your life circumstances are. This dream is universally eerie—most people would feel pretty terrified by the thought of suddenly losing their teeth. It's safe to say that whenever someone wakes from a dream about teeth falling out, they'll feel a strong urge to check every tooth and make sure their mouth is just the same as it was when they went to sleep the night before. RELATED: 9 Ways to Defeat Insomnia — and Get a Better Night’s SleepEven though there is usually no sign of dental irritation at all, teeth dreams are also unnerving simply because there can be so much variety to them. They can play out in many different scenarios and situations as well. You can lose all your teeth, for example, or just one. Your teeth could fall out mid-conversation, or when you're getting your teeth cleaned at the dentist. You might even be doing something as simple as picking something out of your teeth in a dream when you end up losing a tooth. The dream motif scale can be all over the place. Whatever the dream ends up being and no matter the physiological and psychological correlates, there is clearly a lot of variation of the kinds of teeth-related dreams people have. The common denominator is how troubling they can be on your psyche when you wake up from one. What Teeth Dreams Typically Represent In Waking Life(Gravity Images/Getty)According to famous psychoanalysts Sigmund Freud and Carl Jung, dreams are more than just stories our brains make up while we sleep. Our dreams can often illuminate or mirror what's going on in our real lives, providing subconscious insight about various situations and relationships. A dream about teeth falling out—or teeth-related trauma, for that matter—can certainly indicate psychological stress over something going on in your waking life. When anxiety of some form or other enters your life, these can be one of the most common dream themes, whether the dream is triggered by a conflict with another person, a loss of some kind, a major change that's taking place in your life. Typical Dream ThemesPhoto by Egor Vikhrev on UnsplashHere are some of the most common interpretations of teeth dreams, a brief symptom inventory, and why these general sleep disturbances represent more than teeth tension or a literal fear of your teeth falling out. Communication IssuesThis is the most common interpretation for teeth dreams. When you dream about losing teeth, usually your brain is processing how you've been communicating lately. (This includes the reverse, as well, like if you've been withholding communication or communicating poorly recently.) So, if you've had a particularly challenging conversation, you've been psyching yourself out for a tough talk you need to have with someone or you've had regret over something you recently said, a teeth dream may form in your subconscious.RELATED: How to Overcome Your Deepest Fear Holding You Back from Your Dream LifeFeelings of powerlessnessWhen your teeth fall out in a dream, you can feel a sense of helplessness—like there's nothing you can do to keep this horrible situation from happening. In your waking life, this dream content could relate to you not advocating for yourself enough or standing up for what you truly believe in. This interpretation is also related to communication: Perhaps you have been withholding something you really need to say to someone. Or perhaps you feel like your voice isn't really being heard by your partner, your kids, your team at work, someone in your family or another key individual in your life. EmbarrassmentTeeth dreams can help us process awkward situations from life as well. Maybe you had a recent cringe-worthy moment—something you said or did that you really regretted after. Or perhaps you're worried about embarrassing yourself in an upcoming situation, like a presentation you need to give at work or a conversation you need to have with someone important. (For instance, if you're about to go on a first date or planning to propose marriage, you could have a teeth falling out dream beforehand if you're worried about the moment completely backfiring on you.)Insecurity Teeth can represent vanity or a lack of confidence. Straight, white teeth have become a beauty standard, while yellowed, crooked or missing teeth are often seen as less ideal physical traits. So, when you dream about your teeth falling out, this could indicate that you feel insecure, or that you have some kind of growing concern about your appearance. Maybe you're getting older and fear that you're losing your good looks. Maybe your self-esteem is deeply tied to your appearance and your brain is processing what it might be like if you were no longer beautiful. Or perhaps you've been feeling down on your looks and this dream represents the results of the psychological symptoms that accentuate your thoughts of being less-than when compared to others. RELATED: Everything You Need to Know About Your Sleep Cycle (And How to Improve It)LossIf you're recently experienced loss—the death of a loved one, getting fired from your job or another tough situation—you might have a teeth-related dream caused by depression. Or, you could have this dream if you're worried about impending loss, like you think your partner is going to leave you. There also are religious interpretations that a dream about your teeth falling out indicates that there's going to be a death in your family. (But, let's be real here: Dreams are not psychic events.)Money A less common interpretation is purely financial. Just like how kids expect coins when the tooth fairy visits, a teeth falling out dream can signify a windfall of cash on the horizon. This isn't a prescient vision of the future or anything like that—you probably shouldn't stock up on lottery tickets after having this dream. Rather, it's more that your brain could be processing a money-related event that may happen in your life, like getting a raise at work.The Most Common Dreams About Teeth Falling OutPhoto by Shane on UnsplashNow, to go deeper into what specific teeth dreams can mean, the following situations are some of the more common scenarios that pop up in people's dreams. The interpretations accompanying each one can give you an even more in-depth analysis of what these dreams might indicate about psychological distress in your daytime life. You can use them as a reference point when you have a teeth-related dream to help you further interpret its meaning, and also to improve your sleep quality.All of your teeth fall out suddenly: These are typical dream themes when you regret something you said. Especially if whatever you said had a major impact on another person or on one of your relationships, this dream could represent the divide between the time before your statement and the aftermath of it. You lose your teeth one at a time: This dream usually means that you said something you shouldn't have but more incrementally—maybe you gossiped about a friend and now you feel guilty about letting those words trickle out. RELATED: How to Fall Asleep Fast (and Stay Asleep Longer, Too)Your teeth are really loose, but don't fully come out: Some part of your life is teetering on the brink. There's instability going on somewhere: you're wavering on a decision or you're unsure about something. These teeth dreams are all about your life in limbo.Your teeth break or splinter: Broken teeth have to be repaired so these teeth dreams are often tied to stress or some kind of burden. In your waking life, you may have to deal with something you don't necessarily want to deal with. Another way to interpret this dream is if you said something but you're not sure that the other person really understood you—if your teeth are breaking off in pieces this means maybe you didn't explain your point well enough. Your teeth crumble: In this dream, your teeth might turn from solid to dust. This could mean that there's also something disintegrating or slipping away from you in your own life. Maybe your relationship is on the rocks or you're feeling a lack of control over a certain situation. Your teeth start rotting: This dream signifies that there are lingering problems in your waking life. Something around you is decaying and not being attended to, which is the reason for this psychological distress. RELATED: Reading Before Bed Will Give You a Better Night’s SleepYou lose your teeth and can't find them again: Since teeth often represent words, this dream usually means that you're having a hard time figuring out what to say to someone. Or, you've already said the wrong thing to someone and you need to figure out what to say now to rectify the situation or explain yourself. You pull out your own teeth: First of all, ouch. For this dream, there's often a big change coming up for you. This shift is approaching no matter what and it can either be something stressful (like you're about to graduate but you don't have a job lined up) or something empowering (such as you're about to start your own business), depending on what's going on in your life at the moment. These teeth you pull out could symbolize ripping off the proverbial band-aid and accepting this shift. You're wearing false teeth: Dreaming that you have false teeth in your mouth usually happens when you're involved in dishonest situations in your daily life. If you've been lying to someone, covering up a lie for someone else or projecting an image of yourself that's not really true, you might have one of these dream themes. How To Recover From A Dream About Teeth Falling OutPhoto by Mert Kahveci on UnsplashFirst and foremost, go check the mirror and make sure those pearly whites are all in order—that will ease your mind instantly. While most times, dream-induced feelings will dissipate quickly, you may still feel a little shaken. And that's perfectly normal.The best thing you can do if you're rattled from a teeth falling out dream is to embrace whatever uncomfortable feeling you're having and breathe through it—whether it's stress, regret, uncertainty, you name it—instead of trying to push it away. RELATED: 6 Surprising Reasons You’re Having Trouble Sleeping WellThen, if you're still weirded out from your dream, seize the moment to think critically about the content. Grab a journal and jot down whatever it is you can remember, then reread what you've written. You may find it all totally ridiculous seeing the scenario about your teeth falling out down on paper. Or you might find some interesting clues that correlate to how you're feeling about a situation going on in your life. Working through the thoughts and emotions that arise can help further diffuse the power of the dream and perhaps even bring you some needed clarity. In the end, dreams are just that: dreamsThe most important thing is to not stew over a teeth dream or other dream themes like it - or any dream for that matter! Remember that dream analysis is just one of the many self-reflection tools you have in your personal growth toolbox. In the end, recurring dreams of this nature are just the results of our subconscious getting a good workout. So while it's always interesting to look for deeper meaning, once you're feeling satisfied with your interpretation, let the dream go and enjoy your real life.KEEP READING:What Is the Optimal Amount of Sleep?

Self-Care Isn't Self-Love -- and It's Not Enough
Emotional Health

Self-Care Isn't Self-Love -- and It's Not Enough

If you pay attention to trending conversations, chances are you’ve heard talk of “self-care.” It’s not like the concept of caring for oneself is new, but the way we talk about it is.My first encounter with “self-care” occurred during my 6-year stint at Montreal’s Centre for Gender Advocacy—a feminist & anti-racist social justice organization. My job? Working ‘round the clock with countless volunteers on difficult-to-navigate issues: gendered violence, missing native women, reproductive rights, and transphobia—for starters. We organized educational workshops, lectures, marches. It was meaningful, yet exhausting. And thankless, in many ways. Anyone with a background in social justice organizing will likely know what I mean. Enter “activist burnout" A few years ago, self-care workshops began to surface, largely in response to this widespread tendency to work without rest or repose until one feels like a hollow shell of oneself. Yet I, who was sorely suffering from said burnout, had a negative reaction to these workshops, almost one of revulsion. My self-care is going the hell home, I would think to myself, ironically and judgmentally. What can I say? Burnout, for me, meant losing interest in work that was really personal and important to me, and beginning to resent anyone who made demands on my time. Personally, I attribute the rising level of discussion about its importance to a more obsessed all-around work ethic. Self-care has seemingly surfaced in tandem with terms like "work-life balance." While some might blame the omnipotent constant known as the internet for our ability to work from anywhere, anytime, the deeper problem is an inherent lack of deeper self-love -- rather than an easily prescribable need for better self-care routines.Self-care vs. self-love in the world series of happinessWhat is self-care, anyway? Essentially, it's the act of taking care of yourself — both physically and emotionally. In other words, it’s making sure you take the time you need to feel generally at peace. This could take the form of spending the night in rather than going out, limiting your social media time, getting a facial massage, going running, reading more novels, or eating something that makes you feel good. Self-care is allowing yourself enough good stuff to help you growTo really love yourself, however, you need to dig even deeper. Self-love means learning to manifest gratitude and acceptance toward yourself—both physically and emotionally. This could mean revising your self-talk to make it more positive, throwing out your scale, or letting go of regret and jealousy of others. Self-love, by its very nature, is supposed to be unconditional and unapologetic, while self-care is about taking time needed to feel good in your skin.Why is self-love more important than self-care? Here are the kinds of problems that I have observed with notions of self-care in the social justice world, which I also apply to the corporate world --- and many other contexts as well:1. It's so surface-levelLet me rephrase: the problem isn’t so much about self-care as that the conversations around it tend to remain insular, not expanding beyond self-care. Don’t get me wrong: I’ll be the last to nix self-care, but I’ve never met someone who needed more bubble baths without also needing deeper self-love, understanding, and kindness.This wouldn’t be a thing if baths, face masks, and the like didn’t often get treated as a stand-in for more deeply rooted peace of mind.2. It shouldn’t create more work for youIn my former line of work as a social justice advocate, people approached the perceived need for self-care... with workshops. That's right: workshops to counteract the effects of too many workshops. While this route most definitely works for many people, it seems to me that self-care needs can be as personal as the palm of your hand—if you let it be. In my case, my needs involved finding a way to take an extended hiatus from work that involves constant interaction with others. I felt guilty for a long time that my way of caring for myself was on the antisocial side. But I needed a break from work -- and that’s what a lot of people need.3. It should be integrated, rather than occasionalThe entire urge for self-care to begin with comes from a lack of ability to integrate relaxation, fun, and good health into your day-to-day life. Although we don’t like to face it, often what is truly needed is a reimagining of our life as we know it — because the way we structure our time is often detrimental to our mental and emotional health. Not what you want to hear? I know, I hear you. But it happens. How to turn self-care into self-loveHere are a few helpful strategies I have learned in my colorful trek from burned out to rekindled:1. Say no — just do itLots of us have trouble saying no to requests and/or expectations of various shades, be they at work or at home or even among friends. Especially women. Don’t feel like doing something, or simply don’t have the energy? Say so. Having less time to play roles or engage in activities that deplete you means more time for welcoming brighter, better things. And those things don’t always take the form you expect.2. Get over the need to be likedWhile you're relinquishing your need to say yes, you might as well relinquish your need to be liked too. As someone very wise once said, “if everyone likes you, you're doing it wrong.” It can be a tough and toxic world out there, and staying healthy in body and mind can mean existing somewhat at odds with its stickier elements. It’s important you find peace in that.3. Discover what you’re capable of giving on a full tankBottom line: Don’t stop taking bubble baths — just don’t confuse the bubbles for hearty, messy, enduring self-love. Once you feel true self-love, there’s no telling what you’ll have to give others. If what you want is to increase your capacity to do, then loving yourself is a great start.

The Silent Killer: How Not Talking About Relationship Anxiety Hurt My New Love
Emotional Health

The Silent Killer: How Not Talking About Relationship Anxiety Hurt My New Love

I will never forget the moment that I realized that I was toxic. I was standing in my living room, right next to the coffee stain in the carpet and the old piano with a missing key. And I was yelling. Not just little yelling, mind you, but big yelling. The kind that wells up from your stomach and echoes in a way that clogs your ears so that when you are done you realize you didn’t even hear what you said. I was yelling just like he did -- the ex who hurt me, who broke me by convincing me I was worthless. The ex I thought I had left behind me. I was yelling at my current boyfriend. My kind, loving, sweet boyfriend. The one who didn’t hurt me. The one who loved me, who loved my children as his own. I was yelling at him the way my ex used to yell at me.Except -- there was a key difference in the way I was yelling as opposed to the screaming my ex had subjected me to.My ex had wanted to hurt me, wanted to break me. He felt satisfaction with my tears and my pain. I was not like that. I was not trying to hurt my boyfriend. I was yelling because I was scared -- really scared. And I wasn’t just scared of one thing or two things. No, I was scared of everything that had anything to do with love at all. And I was taking that fear out on him.Here is what relationship anxiety does to you:I met my ex husband when I was sixteen. Back then, I desperately wanted to be liked for who I was. I was easy prey for a narcissist. He saw me coming from a mile away and knew exactly how to draw me in. And he did. We were married and had two kids by the time I turned twenty.I didn’t see the red flagsI was a child myself. He said he loved me, so I believed the way he treated me was love. Because I loved him I thought I could fix him. The first time I understood that I was being abused, we had just moved into a new apartment -- after being evicted from the last one. He was yelling at me, screaming that I was garbage for not being able to pay all the bills, that I was the reason for his unhappiness. He threatened to kill himself so that I would know the pain that I was putting him through. I was crying; pleading with him that I could change. I would make it better. Then neighbor knocked on the door. When I answered it, she looked at me the way someone looks at a wounded animal. She asked if I needed her to call the cops. I said no, but I meant yes. After that I started trying to figure out how to escape, which I succeeded in doing about a month later. I was freeIt was the most amazing feeling. I started to heal -- to build a real life for me and my children -- one that I vowed would be without fear. I sought counseling, and it helped. I got the job of my dreams and called all my power back to me. I built myself up. I spoke to my friends again. I had anxiety attacks for years, but after a while they began to subside. I felt healthy again. Like clock-work that’s when my amazing future partner crashed into my life. I was not looking for love, but it was looking for meThe man I love is amazing. He is everything I ever could imagine wanting in a partner. He is patient and kind and creative and nerdy. His energy matches mine perfectly. But I didn’t know what I would be like in a relationship with him. All I had known about love was that I should fear it. I warned him that I didn’t know how I would be, and I thought because I had given him warning that he should just be automatically prepared to take my pain away. By warning him, what I was really saying was: 'if I take my pain out on you, you should know how to deal with it. You should know how to make it better.'Of course, I didn’t know that was what I was saying at thetime. In the early stages of romance, I was comfortable. The fear didn’t strike until we moved in together. Then it exploded, like a cyst erupting and covering the healthy life I was trying to build with a thick layer of puss made of fear and guilt and feelings of inadequacy.It was full-blown PTSD but I didn’t identify it as that. I knew it was anxiety and fear, but I genuinely didn’t understand why he couldn’t make me feel better. All I knew was that I was scaredI started subconsciously blaming him for allowing me to continue to feel this way. PTSD triggers you based on past programming that occurs in a similar situation to the one where the original trauma occurred. For me -- and thousands of others -- that means the anxiety of your past relationship trauma does not, and will not, fully hit you until you are in a new relationship. You're fearful that your new relationship will fall into the same toxic patterns as the old one. But that fear creates the very same toxic relationship you were afraid. This makes your mind scream at you: "See your ex was right, you are the problem!" "You aren’t enough!" "You just aren’t meant to have love!" You allow your fear to create the very reality that you fearIn the moment when I was yelling at my partner, I realized that I was ruining my relationship because I wouldn’t own the fear. I was toxic in that moment. But I stopped myself. For the first time, I caught my fear and held onto it. I didn’t let it hold me. I looked at it -- and I understood, no matter how badly I wanted my boyfriend to be my knight in shining armor who could take the fear away, there was no way that he could. It wasn’t his fear. He couldn’t control it anymore than I could. I knew that I needed help. But holy heck was that so much harder to find than I anticipated. My trauma-filled brain didn’t want to go back to therapy. I felt that because I had "healed" when I was single through therapy and it didn’t work that it wouldn’t work this time either. Not wanting to face that failure again, I turned to online sources. It is shockingly hard to find support when you have relationship-based anxietyWhen I had just left my ex, there were all the resources in the worl. Now, years later, my trauma-filled brain didn’t want to go back to therapy. I felt that because the therapy I had gone through when I was single didn’t "work" that it wouldn’t work this time either. Not wanting to face that failure again, I turned to online sources. I also hired an anxiety coach, and she helped a bit. Then I hired another one, and another. I tried energy healing and then eventually therapy again. I read everything I could on the topic, but it was still hard for me to find anything that echoed my experience.When abuse victims come forward, the focus is physicalIt is easier for someone who hasn’t experienced it to grasp because it is an image that they can picture. But the stuff that does the most damage, the manipulation and emotional and mental abuse, is far more difficult to understand. If this sounds familiar to you... If you are feeling the pain leftover from your ex is about to make you ruin your current relationship. If you feel crazy because you can’t help but feel guilty all the time. If you can’t seem to shake the feeling that your partner will resent you. If you can’t stop the fear from welling up inside you every time your partner starts to feel anything. If you are desperate to figure this out so you can stop feeling all this all the time but don’t know where to start... Please, know this: I see you. I have been you. Your ex is not a life sentence and the pain they left does not get to dictate your future.You can slay the fears they gave you. You can have healthy love again. You have just taken the first step, by allowing yourself to read this and seeing yourself in the journey of others. You are not alone. And you are not broken. I am not going to say that I never feel afraid or guilty, but it is no longer crippling. I now have a tool kit to deal with my feelings before I take it out on others. That toolkit, so carefully compiled and constructed, reinforces that everything I went through wasn’t for nothing. And that is healing looks like.

The 7 Things I Learned About Loving Again After Abuse
Emotional Health

The 7 Things I Learned About Loving Again After Abuse

When I first began my healing journey after escaping my narcissistic and psychopathic ex-husband, I was shocked at how many people had suffered similar abuse. Until you have lived through an abusive relationship it is nearly impossible to understand the magnitude of the problem in the world today. I really dove into all the resources I could to help myself heal. I was under the impression that I could heal from all that I had suffered while I was single, so that if I ever did love again, I would be able to have the healthy relationship that I always wanted. I spent many years single, learning who I was again, reclaiming my power. Then, when I least expected it, an amazing man fell into my life. He was everything my ex was not, everything that I had dreamed a partner would be. And I thought, because he had come into my life, that I was ready, that I had healed enough to date again. But that is not how PTSD works. All the pain and trauma came rushing back. I felt out of control. Here was this man who wanted to love me, who genuinely cared. and I could not stop treating him like he was inevitably going to treat me the way my ex had. I was afraid of everything, and guilty about everything. I realized I wasn't going to let my ex make me destroy every good relationship I would ever have. No way! So, I set out on a new healing journey.Here are the top 7 things that I learned on my journey:1. The lack of resourcesThere are very few resources out there for people who are trying to learn to love again after abuse. When you first leave an abusive relationship there are more resources than you know what to do with -- hundreds of Facebook groups and books and self-help articles -- but a few years down the line, when you are really dealing with the pain of the abuse smothering you in a new relationship, it is nearly impossible to find anything designed to specifically help you. 2. The gap in understandingMost people that you talk to about what you are experiencing have a hard time understanding that the physical abuse is not nearly as scarring as the mental, emotional, or sexual abuse was. People who have not been through abuse think that the worst part of abuse is the physical stuff. And it makes sense: the physical stuff is the easiest part for them to grasp because it is the easiest part for abuse survivors to talk about. We have words to describe what happened physically, but it is much harder to describe what you are experiencing emotionally. Talking about the emotional and mental abuse is brutally painful, and sometimes, even expressing yourself in that way is triggering because your abuser made you feel like talking about your feelings is selfish, and that you were a bad person for doing so.3. Subconsciously, you want your new partner to be the one to ‘fix’ youI blame Disney for this one. We grew up with this image that our prince charming would swoop in and take us away from all the pain. So, when we become triggered into our past fears and guilt patterns in a new relationship, we think that our partner should be able to take our pain away. Even if we don’t believe this consciously, this belief shows up in the way we treat our new partners. We want them to heal us. We want them to love us so well that all the pain of the past is wiped away. Of course we do, it is way less scary to have someone else do the healing work for us. However, our partners can love us so purely and amazingly that they get an award for it, but it still won’t stop us from doubting everything.4. Guilt is just as devastating to your relationship as fear Most abusers, specifically narcissists, manipulate using guilt. They make you feel guilty for washing the dishes and not spending time with them, but if you don’t wash the dishes they made you feel guilty for not keeping the house clean. When you react to this guilt in a new relationship, it makes you feel like nothing you do is right and therefore look for your partner’s approval for every action you do. This inevitably puts a strain on your relationship because you are literally seeking permission to exist.5. Communication is important but must come from a place of personal growthYou should absolutely communicate with your partner about what happened to you in the past and what you are experiencing in the present. But it can be hard to communicate these things when you are feeling anxiety or fear without blaming your partner for what you are feeling. You should always calm down before speaking to your partner about what you are feeling. And be sure that you let them know what you are doing to try and prevent that trigger from happening again in the future or what they can do to support your growth.6. Healing is absolutely and completely possibleAll it takes to start healing is acknowledgement that you don’t want to feel the way you do any longer. I spent years reading every book I could and hiring coach after coach in order to facilitate my own healing. Because there were no resources specifically dedicated to loving after abuse this was a huge challenge. So, I started developing my own tools and eventually, I wrote a book on what I had learned. I never want anyone else to feel the loneliness that I felt on my healing journey. All it takes to start healing is acknowledgement that you don’t want to feel the way you do any longer. You are loveable. You are not the problem. You can rise above what happened to you and love again. You are not alone in this journey. Ever.7. People will try to convince you that healing is always difficultTo this I simply say: what? Why? I stayed stuck in my pain and fear for so long that it nearly ruined my relationship because I was continually told how hard healing would be. Who on Earth will be motivated to heal if they are repeatedly told how impossibly hard? I had already been through more hardship than I ever wanted. The last thing I wanted was another difficult experience. But there is no reason that healing must be hard. Anyone who tells you this is scared of the healing journey. Do not believe them. Healing can and should be a fun and freeing experience. It should make you feel whole. You can literally make it a game. Find yourself a team of support who agree that healing should be a good and happy thing. Whether this is your best friend or a coach or a therapist or, best yet, your partner. You deserve to have the healthy love that you dream of. You deserve happiness in your life and to love without fear of retaliation. You deserve to be you and know that you are enough.