If you ain’t first, you’re last!

Every few years, a comedy movie comes along that stands the test of time.

It’s already been 17 years since Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby hit the big screen. 

The gut-busting comedy, starring Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly, follows Ricky Bobby, a slow-witted but skilled NASCAR driver who stays at number one thanks to help from his best friend and teammate, Cal Naughton, Jr.

But when a French Formula One driver makes his way up the ranks, Ricky Bobby’s talent is put to the test.

The 2006 film is full of hysterical one-liners that are sure to make you laugh out loud.

So buckle up and enjoy this collection of hilarious Talladega Nights quotes that never gets old!

Talladega Nights quotes from Ricky Bobby

  • “Help me, Jesus! Help me, Jewish God! Help me, Allah! Help me, Tom Cruise! Tom Cruise use your witchcraft on me to get the fire off me! Help me, Oprah Winfrey!” — Ricky Bobby
  • “Hey, Guys! No tires! We’re not a pit crew anymore, we are a car wash team.” — Lucius Washington
  • “Dear Lord baby Jesus, lyin’ there in your ghost manger, just lookin’ at your Baby Einstein developmental videos, learnin’ ’bout shapes and colors. I would like to thank you for bringin’ me and my mama together, and also that my kids no longer sound like retarded gang-bangers.” — Ricky Bobby
  • “Don’t you put that evil on me, Ricky Bobby!” — Lucius Washington

“Here is the deal – I am the best that there is. Plain and simple. I wake up in the morning and I piss excellence.”

Ricky Bobby
  • “I hope that both of you have sons … handsome, beautiful, articulate sons, who are talented and star athletes and they have their legs taken away. I mean I pray for you to know that pain and that hurt.” — Ricky Bobby
  • “I’m all jacked up on mountain dew!” — Texas Ranger
  • “Like the frightened baby chipmunk, you are scared by anything that is different.” — Jean Girard
  • “No one lives forever, no one. But with advances in modern science and my high-level income, it’s not crazy to think I can live to be 245, maybe 300.” — Ricky Bobby

“Old man, I’m gonna come at you like a spider monkey!”

Texas Ranger
  • “Well, let me give you a saying from Colonel Sanders: I am too drunk to taste this chicken.” — Ricky Bobby
  • “Wow! I feel like I’m in Highlander!” — Ricky Bobby
  • “Aaaaah, Ricky Bobby! Now we shall dance and yes, it will be a slow jam.” — Jean Girard
  • “Are we about to get it on? Because I’m as hard as a diamond in an ice storm right now.” — Ricky Bobby

“My husband Gregory and I want what any couple wants: to retire to Stockholm and develop a currency for dogs and cats to use.”

Jean Girard
  • “Dear eight pound, six ounce, newborn baby Jesus, don’t even know a word yet, just a little infant, so cuddly, but still omnipotent. We’d just like to thank you for all the races I’ve won and the money that I have accrued over this past season Also, due to a binding endorsement contract that stipulates I mention Powerade at each grace, I just wanna say that PowerAde is delicious and it cools you off on a hot summer day and we look forward to PowerAde’s release of mystic mountain blueberry. Thank you, for all your power and your grace, dear baby God, Amen.” — Ricky Bobby
  • “Did that blow your mind? Because that just happened!” — Ricky Bobby
  • “From now on, it’s Magic Man and El Diablo.” — Ricky Bobby
  • “Girard is sitting on the pole, which is a statement of fact and in no way a comment on his sexual orientation.” — PA Announcer

“Hang on Baby Jesus, this is gonna get bumpy!”

Ricky Bobby
  • “Hey, shut up you little pot-licker, I’ll stick you in a microwave!” — Reese Bobby
  • “I don’t know what to do with my hands.” — Ricky Bobby
  • “I like to picture Jesus in a tuxedo t-shirt, cause it says, like, I want to be formal but I want to party, too, cause I like to party, so I like my Jesus to party.” — Cal Naughton Jr.
  • “I like to think of Jesus as a mischievous badger.” — Cal Naughton Jr.

“I’m just a big hairy American winning machine, you know?”

Ricky Bobby
  • “I sent in my application to The Real World, so I’m hoping to hear back from that. I’m putting a lot of my eggs into that basket, the MTV basket. I’m also thinking about getting a gun, and dealing crack. Being a crack dealer. Not, like, a mean crack dealer, but like … like a nice one. Kinda friendly, like, ‘Hey, what’s up guys? You want some crack?’ I’m just waiting on those two things to just kinda flesh themselves out.” — Ricky Bobby
  • “I threw a bunch of grandpa Chip’s old war medals off the bridge.” — Walker
  • “If you ain’t first, you’re last.” — Ricky Bobby
  • “Look, I like the Christmas Jesus best, and I’m sayin’ grace, when you say grace, you can say it to grownup Jesus or teenage Jesus or bearded Jesus or whoever you want.” — Ricky Bobby

“I like to think of Jesus as an Ice Dancer, dressed in an all-white jumpsuit, and doing an interpretive dance of my life.”

Cal Naughton Jr.
  • “One of you turds is gonna get smacked in the mouth!” — Texas Ranger
  • “Ricky, remember: The field mouse is fast, but the owl sees at night.” — Chip
  • “Shake and bake.” — Ricky Bobby

“Ricky Bobby appears to be unhurt, but that Wonder Bread car is toast.”

Race Announcer
  • “Susan, I’ve never heard you talk like that. Are we about to get it on? Because I’m as hard as a diamond in an ice storm right now.” — Ricky Bobby
  • “We keep it on there for profiling purposes! We’ve also got The Pet Shop Boys and Seal.” — Bartender
  • “Why do you want me to break your arm so badly?” — Jean Girard

“You gotta learn to drive with the fear, and there ain’t nothing more God darn frightening than driving with a live cougar in the car.”

Reese Bobby