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A Woman Lost: My Journey to Midlife Enlightenment Took Me to a Tropical Island
Self-Development

A Woman Lost: My Journey to Midlife Enlightenment Took Me to a Tropical Island

I am terrified. I’ve run away to a tropical island in Malaysia, far from everyone I love and everyone who loves me. I am lost. I feel empty, apathetic, lonely. I am confused, hurt. Without motivation, without drive, and incredibly not myself. But wholly myself, at the same time-- and that scares me.I was fired a week before Christmas by the tech company I worked for. It was the first job I had ever had outside the arts (if you don’t count all the waitressing and bartending gigs). I had become tired of two decades of the actress/short film producer slog, living paycheck to paycheck, contract to contract. I knew what that life was, but that’s all I knew. I had loved it but would go months without creative work. Life had more to offer, no? Most importantly, for the first time in my life, I felt devoid of passion, no longer believing in my work or my voice. I had lost the eternally optimistic attitude that had always given me the strength to pursue my dreams. My drive was gone. Surely a steady paycheck would be amazing, learning a new job exciting and fulfilling? I was 42 and half-way through my life (if I was lucky) so… what was the second half of my life going to look like? I had finally fallen madly in love, so my future was not mine alone anymore. I couldn’t just wing it, the way I always had. I wanted to build a life with him, maybe buy a house one day, or at the very least have a bit of a nest egg. At 42, I had no money in the bank and $15,000 in credit card debt, so I took the job. I quickly discovered it wasn’t all it was cracked up to be. The company didn’t value its employees; we were mis-managed, and I told them so. Too old and tired of being mistreated, I started looking into worker’s rights, got my colleagues on board to negotiate better working conditions-- and got sacked because of it. December found me jobless, being kicked out of my beautiful apartment I loved so much because the landlord wanted to renovate (don’t worry, I got a settlement which went straight to my credit card debt), and I started suffering from vertigo almost every day. Have you ever had vertigo? It’s like living on a boat. My brain was trying constantly to get my body to steady itself. My vision and perspective was all off, like I was on magic mushrooms. Although I know better now, at the time, I attributed it to the early stages of menopause, because the internet told me so. Add to that that I didn’t know what I was doing with my life and you’ve got a recipe for paralyzing fear. I was flailing. I needed a drastic change, to do something so outside my comfort zone that it couldn’t help but shake my shit up. So, I got in touch with an old friend who co-owns an outdoor education camp for kids in Malaysia and within 2 weeks, I had basic wilderness survival and first aid certifications. What was I thinking? I don’t even like kids! How long would I go for? 3 months? 6 months? A year? Was I really going to leave the love of my life behind? I had constant vertigo, for god’s sakes, I couldn’t venture across the planet! But I was determined, I’m a stubborn woman, if ever there was one. I knew that an extended time away would give me the space I needed to reflect on what really matters to me now; what are my core values, what fulfills me, what makes my heart trill? For 20 years, I blindly chased the same dream, even though I had changed so much. There are so many events, so many words, so many thoughts, feelings, hurts and laughter that make up a life, a person. My childhood, losing my mom to cancer as a teen, fighting addiction, being raped-- all the choices I’ve made, good and bad, that have led me here… they all made me Holly. I knew I wasn’t completely lost-- that Holly was still in there somewhere, yelling at me to get on with it, to calm down, breathe and listen to my heart. I just needed to go somewhere quiet where I could actually hear her. Somewhere like a tropical island half way across the world. So, forget fear, I’m going on the adventure of a lifetime…A Woman Lost: My Journey to Midlife Enlightenment chronicles Holly’s journey to where she is now: working at a camp for kids on a tropical island in Malaysia. This seismic shift will force her to confront her core values, priorities, and beliefs about purpose. How lost can you get? How lost can you actually be?

We Can Come Together, or We Will Fall Apart
Self-Development

We Can Come Together, or We Will Fall Apart

The air holds an ominous weight that seems to grow heavier, day after day. It crackles with febrility; at every news clip, every headline, every harrowing image that races across the screen.The air crackles with febrility... or is that, our nerves?First they came for the Socialists, and I did not speak out —Because I was not a Socialist.Then they came for the trade unionists, and I did not speak out —Because I was not a trade unionist.Then they came for the Jews, and I did not speak out —Because I was not a Jew.Then they came for me — and there was no one left to speak for me.-- Martin Niemöller There are days when it seems the world is coming apart at the seams. Whole countries left buried beneath the rubble, souls shattered by such terrors and traumas to make minds crumble as readily as the cardboard buildings turned to wreckage.The sea has become a graveyard for those who fled and failed. And for too many of those who survive the journey out of hell, their unspeakable suffering is turned to silence, their voices muted -- dubbed over by demagogues on the hunt for easy answers to ease our rising anxieties, and for easy enemies to explain our righteous woes.These waves of unwelcome history keep crashing back up against the shores, and the waters are glacial at my toes. It shoots a serpentine shiver down my spine.It takes a special kind of courage and calm to swim through turbulent waters without tensing up. We don't know how to react. How to respond. Who to blame.Beware.When our fears are furious, they will ask for a cold blood that will chill our hearts into hardness.He against she. Us against Them. And we will surrender our common humanity to the siren songs of a Savior, who will feed on our fearful hearts to rally the mob to the never-ending list of imagined enemies within.But have you ever stopped to look the Other in the eye, and ask them what they dream of in their lost and lonely hours? Have you asked where they come from, or wondered what hurt and horrors keep them lying awake at night in cold sweats and tears?And if, instead of shriveling up into brittle mounds of kindling nerves, we opened our chests and broadened our shoulders to embrace all the weak and wounded in search of a home?What if we replaced our preconceptions with curiosity, our callousness with compassion, and humbled ourselves enough to lend our ears to the fears of our neighbors and brethren of all creeds and colors, and to the besieged masses of humanity who are crying out for life and love?What would happen if we simply talked to each other, and actually stopped to listen?What world, then, would the sun rise over at tomorrow's dawn?

What Yoga Taught Me About Myself, the World and Living Well
Exercise

What Yoga Taught Me About Myself, the World and Living Well

For decades, yoga has been gaining in popularity across the West, as more and more of us are finding in its benefits an antidote to the frenetic and unhealthy pressures of our lives. I can understand the craze. If there is a single before and after in my own life until now, it's the moment I started practicing yoga six years ago. Since then, my relationship to myself, my loved ones and the world have been completely transformed, in ways I would never have imagined at the start. I'd like to share this journey with you, because I genuinely believe that far too many of us -- stressed, anxious, and detached from ourselves and our cherished few -- could benefit enormously from the millennial wisdom that's embedded within its practice. What Yoga Taught Me About Myself, the World and Living Well I have been a seeker and I still am, but I stopped asking the books and the stars. I started listening to the teaching of my Soul. - Rumi Working with our bodies, not against them The first thing to know is that the word "yoga" derives from a Sanskrit term denoting "union." This is an essential idea to understand, because it derives from an Eastern worldview that is completely opposed to the Western tradition. In the West, we think in terms of binary oppositions and hierarchies: we speak of mind over matter, of reason over emotion, and most especially, of humanity over nature. Indeed, our entire social and economic systems are premised on this toxic idea of humanity's conquest of nature, and we are now seeing the tragic consequences of this everywhere we turn. At a time when our societies have never been richer, we are suffering unprecedented epidemics of depression, suicide, anxiety, obesity, and other mental and physical illnesses linked to our inability to listen to our bodies (and souls), and take care of ourselves. Rather than heed nature's signals, we deprive ourselves of all the things we evolved over millions of years to need, from physical activity to nutrition, sleep to social connection. And this is to say nothing of the impact humanity is having on our planet and climate. They're all different consequences of the same mind-over-nature mindset at work, where we speak loud and hold a big stick, instead of pressing our ear closer to learn. By contrast, yoga is premised on the pursuit of a mind-body union, and of harmony between humanity and nature. It replaces the hubris of the Western mindset with a humility that recognizes our essential oneness with nature. For if we have learned one thing over time, it's that despite all our delusions fed by the lure of short-term gains, in the long run, nature always wins. Change the frame, change everything Far from being purely academic, the philosophy of yoga is literally embodied within the practice, assuming you find the right teacher and style to suit your needs. Over time, a regular practice of two to three sessions a week can gradually integrate into your mind almost subconsciously, altering your mental and emotional mechanisms at the root. And once you change the way you perceive and interpret events and experiences in your life, you change everything. For me, it completely transformed my life. I'm a fairly anxious and highly analytical person by nature and education, and the constant spinning of the wheels in my head often sent me spiraling in one direction: downwards. Yoga taught me to get out of my head, where I thought the source of the problems and solutions always lied, and to get into my body, which is where I focus my attention now when negative emotions arise. When I feel anxious or stressed, for example, my instinct now isn't to sit in a corner analyzing them, but to take a walk, meditate and breathe, do some exercise, see friends, or do whatever I need to do to change the flow of chemicals through the body. Once I change the frame, the rest invariably follows. To explain what I mean, let's go through three mental habits that my yoga practice has instilled in me, illustrating with each the exact link between the practice and the mental reprogramming it sparked. Self-knowledge through mindfulness In my hatha yoga practice, I'm constantly looking inward to scan every inch and atom of my body; to ensure proper alignment and breathing in the postures, the fluid circulation of blood and oxygen through the body, and to check for any tensions or signals that I might be pushing myself too far and jeopardizing the above, or risking sprains or injuries. The cumulative impact of this has been to condition me to always look inward, and by doing this, to notice the moment a new emotion or sensation arises. Over time, it became automatic for me, to the point where the inner signals speak so loudly now that I can't ignore them. This places you in the position of an observer, who watches and charts the tides as they rise and fall, yet without feeling the temptation to jump in. This mindfulness I've cultivated is one of the most powerful benefits of a regular yoga practice. Over time, the self-knowledge you will nurture through this mindset will equip you to live a life that's more in harmony with your deeper self, and therefore happier and more fulfilled. Self-love through compassionate observance My yoga practice taught me not only to observe my body's responses, but just as crucially, to do so without judging. Rather than feeling upset or disappointed with myself if I'm less flexible one day, for example, you learn to listen with curiosity and compassion, and to heed the body's limits instead of ploughing through them. Over time, this method of patiently but persistently pushing up against your limits -- and sometimes just past them, the better to demarcate where they are -- will see them gradually expand over time. Your body will open up little by little, until one day, you find your body doing things you never thought would be possible. The same thing goes with the mental habits. If one day I notice a greater sense of agitation or constriction in my chest, for example, I will seek to pay close attention to it, neither denying it nor getting frustrated with myself. The purpose is always to listen, and to learn. Just as with mindfulness, this constant pursuit of compassionate self-observance gradually percolated down into my mental bedrock, becoming integrated into all other aspects of my life. It taught me such primary virtues as self-love, patience, and the revolutionary power of cumulative micro-actions performed consistently over long periods of time. Balance in everything A third and final principle central to yoga is the very Eastern notion of balance. In a hatha yoga practice, every posture (or "asana") is followed by a counter-posture -- a forward bend is balanced by a back-bend, the left side with the right side, and so on -- bouts of exertion are compensated by periods of rest and silent meditation, and depending on the pace and advancement of your practice, a foundation of meditation and rest is to be found within every posture as well. Every class I've ever followed begins with silent meditation, and ends with a prolonged period of rest in the lying-down pose known as "shavasana." This tenet of balance has perhaps become the most central guiding principle in my life. And while it may be a constant struggle to maintain this balance in a Western society that seems to glorify every kind of unhealthy imbalance, the mindfulness and self-love I've nurtured throughout my six years of practice has kept the inevitable periods of imbalance brief, the stresses and losses of perspective fairly fleeting, and the foundations beneath my feet firm even amidst trying times.

The Football that Taught Me to Overcome Fear
Mindset

The Football that Taught Me to Overcome Fear

This is a story about the defining moment of my childhood as an immigrant kid in America, when an errant football broke my spirit, and forever changed my life. I decided then and there not to let my alienation paralyze me or my fear of failure sabotage my progress, or to let a seemingly insurmountable obstacle -- my lack of English -- suppress my potential.I made a choice to overcome fear, and to create my fate rather than succumb to it. I charted a path, threw myself into it fully, and have never looked back.The Football that Taught Me to Overcome FearInaction breeds doubt and fear. Action breeds confidence and courage. If you want to conquer fear, do not sit home and think about it. Go out and get busy.- Dale CarnegieThe recess bell rang and kids begrudgingly fell in line to go back to class. I followed suit. A breeze of warm, spring air brushed against my face. Summer was coming, but first I had to survive the last few weeks of fourth grade. And what’s a few weeks? It’s a blip in the annals of time. But for an immigrant kid with, at most, ten English words at his disposal, it was an eternity. This was my second week at an American school. I spent the entire recess and the previous two weeks in a corner gawking at other kids playing tetherball in the schoolyard, too immobilized by fear and loneliness to even utter a sound. I was quite fascinated with what they were doing and wished that I could, too, join in the fun. But I hadn’t dared to say a word.Struck by fear: The football that changed my lifeWhile in line, a rogue football ricocheted right off my face. It wasn’t the pain inflicted by the football that made me cry. It was the shame over the fact that, while I had been hurt, I didn’t even have the courage to say “Ow”. My fear of failure, of making embarrassing mistakes and language gaffes, had rendered me lifeless. I froze. And I wept. Tears streamed down my face like a waterfall. I resisted but to no avail. Kids gathered around to see if I was okay. I couldn’t even look at them. That was the defining moment of my childhood and one that I won’t soon forget. It’s hard to fathom that the football, for breaking my spirit that day, would change my life. I decided at that point to never let fear be a dam that holds back the river of progress. That summer, I spent every waking hour immersing myself in the English language. While others were swimming and playing basketball, I was at the library scaring myself with Goosebumps tales and whatever else I could get my hands on. I spent hours in front of the TV watching Sesame Street and other rudimentary children’s programming to teach myself the basics. My vocabulary grew exponentially in three short months. In the first week back from summer, I was taken out of ESL classes -- not because of my newfound knowledge, but because I was confidently engaging with other kids, making mistakes and laughing about them with my new friends. It was one of the proudest moments of my young life. A few years later, I was placed in English Honors classes and I haven’t looked back since.Choose your fateThe lesson here isn’t to surround yourself with footballs hoping that one would knock some courage or determination or resolve into you. Those qualities exist inside you. And sometimes it takes a dramatic event -- a close call with death, an accident to a family member, etc. -- to trigger a change mechanism that allows you to overcome your fears. But why wait until then? And why leave it to fate?You have the power to choose your path, much like I chose mine. I chose not to let a seemingly insurmountable obstacle suppress my potential. I chose not to let fear rule my life. Once you cross that hurdle, you may proceed to formulate an attack plan and execute. But you must first choose to do so. Life is a series of decisions and consequences. Sometimes we make the wrong decision, but you can't let the fear of failure stop you from moving forward. You’re bound to make mistakes. So make them often, but in smaller doses. Because the biggest mistake you can make is to try to not make any mistakes by doing nothing.

How I Kept Hope Alive During My Recovery from Addiction
Physical Health

How I Kept Hope Alive During My Recovery from Addiction

I know more than anyone how vital hope is to recovering from addiction. You need it to stay positive and keep moving forward. You need it to believe that you can change, and that a better life is within reach despite everything you’ve been through. Yet when you’re in recovery, it can be very difficult to stay hopeful. What can you do to keep the hope alive? Here are some strategies and tools that really made a difference to me. How I Kept Hope Alive During My Recovery from Addiction I had a happy childhood. I had loving, hard-working parents that did everything they could to make sure that my brother and I had everything we needed, and everything they never had. Nonetheless, at 9 years old I was attracted to the pull of the adult world. I got drunk for the first time at a family party. The feeling of liquid confidence surging through me was addictive. By 19 I had moved from alcohol to marijuana and even cocaine. My lifestyle and series of poor choices soon landed me with a two-year prison sentence. Prison changed me and, for the first time, I saw how much damage my addictions had brought to my life. When I got out I made up my mind to get clean. I didn't get any outside help, because believed I could do it all on my own. I was wrong. I relapsed hard, and I lost all hope and faith I had in my own willpower to get my life back on track. My self-esteem and mental and emotional state took a powerful blow. At one point I became so convinced that there was no point in trying any longer that I attempted suicide. After that, my parents had me admitted into a rehabilitation facility near them. Prison may have opened my eyes to how my addictions had turned me into everything I didn't want to be, but rehab was what gave me hope that change was possible for me. Rehab was where I was finally given the tools, support and guidance I needed to succeed in recovery. But most of all, rehab helped me recover my sense of hope. Hope is vital to recovery. You need it to stay positive and keep moving forward. You need to believe that you can change, and that a better life is within reach despite everything you’ve been through. Yet when you’re in recovery, it can be very difficult to stay hopeful. So what can you do to keep the hope alive? Here are some strategies and tools that really made a difference to me. Acceptance You need to accept the present. The good, the bad and the ugly need to be realistically acknowledged and accepted. Do not exaggerate how bad your situation is, but don’t downplay it either. Once you acknowledge and accept your present reality, don’t let it own you. Your present does not have to be your future and you have the power to make the changes necessary to ensure your future is much brighter. Look at things as they are without letting it bring you down. Goals Goals are an extremely important part of staying hopeful. Goals are expectations you have for yourself, to be actualized within a certain period of time. Expectations are one half of what hope is. You should always have an idea of where you want to be in the future in terms of your recovery. Think about certain improvements or changes you’d like to make by the end of the week, the month, the year. Think about feelings and temptations you’d like to overcome. Believe that you can attain it, but don’t set yourself up for failure. Try to set goals and timeframes for yourself that are comfortably within reach. Sharing Another really great way to stay hopeful is to both listen to and share stories of hope. The more you hear about other people's journeys of healing and recovery, and the more you recount your own tales, the more prevalent these will be in your day-to-day life. Sharing stories of hope under hardship will lift your spirits and make you believe even more in your capacity to overcome your addictions and attain the life you imagine for yourself. Gratitude More often than not, you lose hope because you lose sight of all the things that are good in your life. You let the negativity cloud your mind and spirit, overshadowing all the positive things you have to be grateful for. Make lists of all the things that you are grateful for as often as you can. Write little reminders for yourself all over your house. When you focus on all the good things that being sober gives you, you will find a newfound source of energy to stay on your path of recovery and wellness. Hope is the bedrock of your recovery. Hope is believing that your expectations will become reality. Hope allows you to strive for bigger and better things with a positive outlook, because you know that everything is within reach. Without hope you cannot get better, so don’t lose it. Don’t lose hope because it’s never too late, and the only constant in life is change. Why not change for the better?

Why I'm Messed Up And So Are You
Self-Development

Why I'm Messed Up And So Are You

People think I have my life together. Guess what? I don’t. Being perceived as great (in a highly constructed reality you’ve created for those around you) doesn’t actually mean you’ve got it together. There’s this thing... it’s called being authentic, and most of us have no idea how to do it. I’m still learning how. When you are being authentic, you are the strongest, most resilient version of yourself, because authenticity means bearing your scars and failures for the world to see, no matter how ugly they feel. And that’s what we don’t do. We’re not vulnerable enough. We’re too busy trying not to be vulnerable. The possession of flaws is a staple of the human experience, yet we live in a society in which we are pressured to cover up those flaws in order to appear normalized or acceptable. Simply put, this is why we are messed up. Why I'm Messed Up And So Are You The problem is that if we cave to this pressure of being perfect, we present a flawless, error-free, sterling version of our character—our Self—and in doing so, we feel increasingly lost due to a) a divergence between who we are and who we present to the world, and b) the incorrect belief that we’re the only ones with such divergence, thereby viewing everyone else as ‘composed’. In our hearts, we know there is work to be done, but we avoid it, because beginning such work would entail exposing our flaws & opening ourselves to ridicule, perception, and judgment; a cruel punishment, indeed. I’m not saying we need to start screaming our insecurities/addictions/trauma at the top of our lungs, down the hallway at work (let me know if you do, I kind of want to be there for that), but we need to be cognizant of why we have our insecurities, and work to communicate ‘why’ to the people around us. We find the greatest comfort in those who we believe are like ourselves. The reality is that when we’re willing to endure vulnerability, we find not just comfort, but incredible strength and community, telling our stories and bearing our souls to a cold world. Eckhart Tolle said it best, “...you need to say yes to suffering before you can transcend it.” It's like rehab, but for everyone. We all need rehab. We are warriors in our own lives. We fight battles no one knows anything about. All of us. It's a fact. And yet, we walk around presenting the most suited and put-together versions of ourselves, as if to suggest that being civilized also means being ignorant and incommunicative of our struggles. Like we all aren't going crazy. It's completely delusional to act like this. Sharp pencils look sharp because they haven’t been put to the test. Being authentic means being put to the test. It means breaking the cycle of 'character versus reputation'. It means letting the two converge no matter how stupid or ugly we look. You start somewhere and you change what you don't like. Fight the insecurity. Be a warrior. Life is tough. Admit that you have no idea what you're doing, and that you make a ton of mistakes. Once you find the confidence to say, "this is who I am, and I'm getting better," that's total exposure. That feels embarrassing, but you'll find that you'll attract other people who seek authenticity in the process. You'll become a catalyst of confidence for others, too; reminding them it's okay to be lost or hurt. We find the greatest comfort in those who we believe are like ourselves. So, by being authentic, it becomes infinitely easier to grow, to connect with those who truly care for us, and to deal with our individual pain. Those who hide their weaknesses are more concerned with maintaining outward perfection than those who communicate their faults openly. Nothing can be said or done to the latter individual that would prevent them from fighting through life, because they have no false ideas to protect. You're a warrior. Act like one. And while you’re at it, if you’ve figured it all out, reach out to tell me how you’re doing because I'm still trying.

I Stopped Focusing On Others Before 8 A.M. and Discovered the Hidden Advantage of Being Selfish in the Morning
Productivity

I Stopped Focusing On Others Before 8 A.M. and Discovered the Hidden Advantage of Being Selfish in the Morning

I don’t think it’s that hard to sell someone on the value of a consistent morning ritual. It's easy to convince someone of the benefits of rising early. Start your day off right by adding an extra hour to your day to achieve goals. For the truly busy, that’s a pretty easy sell. For almost two years, my routine looked like this: wake up at 4:30am, make coffee, do a daily visualization exercise, drink my coffee, and get to work. I run a small business, so typically I would begin the day by picking up where I left off on my latest writing project. Sometimes, I’d spend the hours of 5-7am catching up on email. With this approach, I was serving others before the sun came up. And it worked for me, at least for a while. During this time, I used one metric to determine if my morning was successful or not: Did I get more work done before the sun came up than most people get done all day? If I could honestly answer yes, then my morning was successful. There was one point of focus to my routine, and that was productivity. But in the spring of 2016, something happened. I had all but given up my early morning routine. The only motivation I had was to keep my head under the pillow when the alarm went off. If you’re at all like me, your morning usually sets up your day. The days where I have rough starts are usually the ones where I make poor choices later on. I needed a solution. And through experimentation, I came up with something that I think will really help people. Stop focusing on others before 8am. Here’s why, and also how it might work for you: The only logical reason you are going to consistently get up early is to do something you genuinely want to do. If not, you might be able to will yourself into getting up, but that isn’t going to always work. Because consistency is the most important asset for achieving your goals, you’d be better off taking another approach. Isn’t it likely that you’ll always be motivated to do something that’s going to directly benefit you? By that logic, I’d recommend that you use the first few hours of your day to focus only on yourself. To do this, simply change the metric you are using to determine whether the morning was successful or not. For the same reason that many people are not happy with standardized testing in schools, using a metric you don’t believe to be an accurate assessment of your abilities is not worth your time. It will also not contribute to achieving the goals you’ve set. Instead, find or create a metric that improves you at a person, instead of forcing yourself to consistently measure up against something that you don’t really believe in. For starters, here’s the metric I used: Have I accomplished at least 2 things in the first 2 hours of my day that are solely focused on improving myself? Instead of working on my latest writing project, I spent time reading or working on legacy projects. Instead of answering e-mails, I began hitting the gym or going on a 3 mile walk. At 7am, I’d then take a shower, make a good breakfast, review my list of things that I needed to get done, and only then would I get to work. Have I done 2 things today that focus on improving myself? If so, it’s time to start working. Rather than a shotgun blast routine structured around being productive in my business, my morning routine became a mindful, enjoyable expression of self-care and focus on my greatest desires. And guess what? This changed everything. Within two days, my 5am wake up call had once again become something I was looking forward to. Just remember that when 8am rolls around, the work will still be there. You’ll show up with a more resourceful attitude and a better capacity to serve others, because you are demonstrating a commitment to serving yourself first. Through this experiment, you’re going to learn something very important: you can’t give to others what you don’t already have in excess. It’s not a coincidence that the people in your life that are prone to burning the candle at both ends tend to be the same ones you know to be inconsistent, flaky, or even selfish. They don’t do it on purpose. That’s simply how their mind and body copes with the constant fatigue and stress. Your sense of fulfillment and happiness directly correlate to your health, level of productivity, and ability to serve others. If you struggle to get up in the morning, my recommendation to you is to start filling your cup first. Prioritize your greatest desires and the things that are a little selfish in nature first thing in the morning. It doesn’t matter if it’s 30 minutes or 2 hours. Just choose things you genuinely want to do. You might find that not only will you feel better, but the people you interact with when the sun is shining will benefit, too.

Surrender: How I Overcame Alcoholism and Depression
Mental Health

Surrender: How I Overcame Alcoholism and Depression

I used to wonder if I lived in the dark or if the dark lived in me. Was I like one of those cartoons in the depression commercials walking around with a gray cloud over my head or was I a manufacturer of gray clouds? Growing up, I always thought there was something inherently wrong with me yet I couldn’t reconcile my self-image with my external reality. My upbringing was not abnormal or traumatic. I was the only child of two loving parents who are still married today but the way I felt on the inside didn’t align with my outside circumstances. My parents keep pictures in a photo album of my birthdays, Christmases, vacations we took. I look happy in those pictures, but I don’t remember feeling happy. It’s as if I’m looking at pictures of someone else. I wish I could recall the joy I must have felt when kicking up piles of autumn leaves in the front yard or soaring down the Slip ‘n Slide in the summertime. The only thing that seems familiar to me is the disconnect I had with other people, myself and God. If I think back long and hard enough, my earliest memories are not of specific events but rather emotions-anger, emptiness, and inadequacy. I constantly compared myself to others which only became worse as time went on. I kept looking for answers as to why I felt the way I did. I searched in men, money, alcohol, drugs, food, churches and nightclubs but I always ended up in the same place-the bookstore. My fingers would frantically comb through books in the Psychology/Self-Help section: Bipolar I & II, Depression, Anxiety, Adult ADD, Borderline Personality Disorder. Where was I in all of this? I fit the criteria for many of these disorders, but the solutions didn’t fit me. I tried everything from medication to meditation with little improvement. All I wanted was to find myself in a book that would identify exactly what was wrong with me and how to fix it. These days I often think maybe I'm supposed to write that book so that someone else who comes behind me can find it later. I couldn’t write about the solution back then because my entire life I’d been living in the problem. It wasn’t until I later that I came to understand and live the principles of acceptance and surrender. Bad Luck vs. Grace In my drinking, I lost many things-homes, jobs, money-but not just material things. I also lost relationships, integrity, and dignity but not because these things were taken from me. I willingly gave them up in exchange for the brief opportunity to not be present for a life I never wanted. I drew many lines in the sand and vowed I would never cross over any of them. I vowed that the next drink would be my last, that I would never try hard drugs, that I would never call you that name. But all of these things were conditional-contingent on my happiness, sadness, anger, boredom, job security, personal insecurity, relationship status, financial independence, emotional co-dependence-everything and nothing. Each time I crossed a line, I would draw another until, finally, I found myself in the ocean where there were no more lines because they had been swept away by water. It was at that point that I realized I had lost everything. Some people refer to loss as bad luck. I don’t believe it had anything to do with luck. It was grace. Surrender vs. Giving Up Losing everything was the best thing that could’ve happened to me because there was nothing left to fear. I no longer feared that I would drown from getting pulled down by the current. So I opened my arms out to the universe and tilted my head back-I was now floating. I was floating on top of all the murk-the lost dignity, the emptiness, the inadequacy. When you’re floating, the only way to look is up-where there is light, the heavens that are promised to us and a vastness that holds godly opportunities we small humans could never have imagined ourselves. Giving up meant making two whole-hearted attempts in 2010 and 2013 at stopping my heart forever. Today, I don’t give up-I surrender-and those are two very different things. When I surrender, I let go of the notion that I have all the answers or that my ideas are the right ones or the only ones. Life meanders. Sometimes it has sharp and narrow turns or rough terrain, and you have no idea what’s ahead. Other times the road is clear, wide and smooth and we’re able to cruise. When I surrender, I’m no longer choosing a specific path but I’m allowing myself to take any path the universe opens up for me, even if it’s scary, untraveled and unknown. From Pain to Joy When I was in my 20s, I had three symbols from the Runic alphabet tattooed on my wrist called Laguz, Thurisaz, and Algiz. Laguz means “water” and represents fluidity. Thurisaz means “thorn” and represents protection, but it also symbolizes chaos and hardship. Algiz means “elk” and represents divinity or connection to the Gods. The first time I attempted suicide, I crossed over a line in my life as I had done many times before in the sand. Except this line was permanently etched on my wrist instead of drawn in the earth. When that happened, I forever altered the meaning of the rune Thurisaz by changing its physical form. By eliminating the vertical line at the top of the symbol, I was left with a new rune called Wynn. Wynn means “joy” and represents happiness and life force. In that instance, the most agonizing moment of my life, I In that instance, the most agonizing moment of my life, I literally transformed my pain into joy. And now joy is bordered by water on one side and God on the other-the two most essential elements of my life today. Some might refer to this as a fortunate coincidence. I simply call it grace.

Dealing With Depression: How I'm Managing My Bouts of Recurring Depression
Mental Health

Dealing With Depression: How I'm Managing My Bouts of Recurring Depression

Depression remains a jargon to many. If you’d ask people about their notions about it, they’d simply say that it is “just a period of blues.” However, that’s only one underlying symptom of this mental illness. It consumes your energy, enthusiasm, and existence in an inexplicable way. Dealing With Depression: How I'm Managing My Bouts of Recurring Depression The Turning Point I never manifested any signs of depression or any mental illness until I was 18. I was living an almost perfect life with abundance and high hopes about the future. My parents worked overseas, so I often kept victories and sorrows in life all to myself. I’d never thought that isolation would take its toll on me. My habit of looking at my face in the mirror intensified in the third quarter of 2012. I just couldn’t help it. At first, I thought it was just a product of vanity. But when I started perceiving myself as hideous, I knew there’s something wrong. Not only my appearance, but I also noticed that my energy level dropped drastically. I lost quality sleep. I had difficulty in concentrating during class sessions that even made me more anxious. My outbursts saw me hurling objects inside my room. I didn’t know what to do. A neuropsychiatry doctor diagnosed me with depression associated with a mood disorder. He prescribed me drugs to stabilize and keep me from pervasive thoughts. I had to stop school with all the beating and loneliness inside my head. The first three months of medication was great. There was relief that it finally ended, or so I thought. The Hardest Pill to Swallow: Recurrence I was ready to settle my unfinished business with academics after I worked freelance for some months. The first academic semester was smooth sailing; I even topped it with an academic distinction. Then came the next one; it was the time I felt the symptoms back. This was worse. I had panic attacks, suicidal thoughts, and everything in between. What really shattered me inside was the thought that it should’ve been my graduating year. I tried to muster the focus and dedication, but to no avail. Once again, I ended up canceling my enrollment. The feeling was comparable to a speeding toy car which ran low in battery – there was no compromise. When I felt it, it was certain to be a downward spiral. That was the moment my father disclosed me one thing: he also had the same illness growing up. Too bad, I wasn’t as emotionally strong as him. Will I be forever restricted? Can I still finish my studies? Is there more in life than the cycle of blues and temporary happiness? Those were the questions that my younger self, needed to answer. I convinced myself that I should device courses of action when it attacks again. Present Situation I’m 3 years older – and wiser – than the intimidated Monica who submitted to depression. I decided to forego schooling for one substantial goal. What could be the obvious reason? I took a breather so I can study my depression and mood fluctuations. My current job allows me to temporarily sacrifice my dreams at the least amount of guilt. I want to know more, so I can counter its every attempt to bring me down. I know I can only move on if I eradicate it out of my system or slow it down at least. Occasionally, there are still panic attacks and worries inside my head. But I’m stronger and unforgiving this time. When I feel depression coming, I don’t give it a chance to fully capitalize. Proven Safeguards to Get By Depressed people are often misunderstood. I understand the feeling. You just can’t put it into words. It’s like you’re being trapped in a void with little to zero resistance. If you’re down with depression, my culmination of self-help tips may ease it off. When symptoms subside: Never be confident. You can never know when depression will haunt you again. Stopping medication abruptly is one major cause of recurrence. If you plan to stop it, do it gradually and with the consent of your doctor. Identify and control your stressors. While you cannot avoid them wholly, you can always choose to limit them. Hit the time-out button when needed. Depression is triggered when you feel burnout. Consider short vacation trips as two-way investments: for relaxation and resetting stress. Value communication. Depression feeds on loneliness and despair. When problems start piling up, a coffee session with friends or family, for instance, surely helps. And hey, a beaming smile really uplifts anyone’s mood. Broaden your support system. Mood disorders and depression are less effective for people who feel loved and cared for. Run back to your family and close friends when the going gets tough. Cling to faith. When we’re not troubled or pained, it’s easy to forget who we owe it to. Always ask and thank the Man above for giving you the strength to go on with life. When down with depression: Remember the positives. This illness saps even the littlest of joy we have left. What are the things you have left? These are innumerable: family, friends, accomplishments that can never be replaced, etc. These are all waiting for your bounce back game. Progress in small increments. It’s not as if you’ll wake the next day as a completely healed person. Recovering from depression takes time. Were you able to end the day with reduced panic attacks and less worrying? That’s something to be thankful. Religiously stick with your meds. Feeling indifferent about this is normal when you feel no improvement. But trust me, all your medication needs from you are two things: trust and consistency. Cling to faith even more. It may be your darkest phase, but the Man above does not put you into situations you can’t handle. My recuperation strategies for depression are work in progress, as my bout with it continues. The best tip overall? It’s holding a firm belief that you can rise and be free once again. Never let depression take it away from you. It’s all a state of mind.

Never Give Up: How I Found Strength In My Darkest Moments
Mindset

Never Give Up: How I Found Strength In My Darkest Moments

When I was 8 years old, I was sent to a mental institution for 3 years for a crime I didn't commit. Although that experience was harrowing, and lonely, and took me to some dark places, it became the source of my greatest strength. The experience still teaches me some of life’s greatest lessons. Never Give Up: How I Found Strength In My Darkest Moments Then: Alone in the Dark I come from a big family. I’m one of 7 kids, all boys and one girl. And though I remember plenty of good times growing up, there were some times that were not so good. One of those not-so-good times involved an instant where something happened that changed the course of my life forever. There was a house fire. I didn’t set it, but for reasons too long to explain right now, I received the blame. The more I protested my innocence, the more my parents, the police, and then the doctors didn’t believe me. The result: I was sent to a mental institution. The first night I spent alone in the padded cell was pure mental and emotional torture. The room was covered from floor to ceiling with rug that was dirt brown in color, with the smell of mold permeating throughout. There was one small wire mesh window on the door where the occasional face or two would look in at me like a lab rat. An old, worn out punching bag lay on the ground for those denizens that had pent up rage. Well, I had plenty to rage about. I punched, and beat, and kicked that bag… The following is an excerpt from the memoir Fight Through the Dark: Spit flies from my mouth, snot forms at my nose, and tears fall from my eyes as I punch and punch and punch, angry at God for doing this to me. Blind, white-hot rage. I punch until the skin on my knuckles grows red and bloody. I punch until . . . until I am too exhausted to punch anymore. I collapse on top of that punching bag, and my eyes go to the wire mesh window on the door where I see a nurse with a clipboard looking in at me, checking off something on her form. I look at her with pure hatred that comes from a deep, dark place in me—a place so deep and foreign and unknown that I didn’t even know it was there. From that place of darkness come the thoughts that I say aloud. “God,” I say, “if you don’t get me out of here, if you don’t make all of this go away, I won’t believe in you. I will know that I am all alone.” With that, I close my eyes, lay my head down on the punching bag, and drift off to a deep sleep born of depletion and exhaustion. I awoke the next day, and I was still there. I had the realization that this was going to be very, very long and difficult. And then something hardened in me. I became resolved and determined. Realizing that I was on my own gave me strength. It said no one is coming to save me. It is up to me to figure this out. At first I banged on the doors and shouted over and over that it wasn’t me. I quickly realized this just made me look crazy… So I tried a different tact. I found that if I pretended that I actually set the fire, then the doctors believed that I was getting better, and after 11 months I gained my freedom. But, a month later, my brother set fire to the house again and I was sent back to the mental institution. After my initial devastation, I decided that I wasn’t going to give up. Once again it was up to me to figure this out. I’m 36 years old now. I gained my freedom, and proved my innocence. Even after that, I went through some tough times emotionally, spiritually and mentally. Whenever things got really bad, I remembered my younger self saying “I’ll figure this out.” That was enough to get me through. Overall, I am happy and grateful to say that our family has come together to heal (though it’s an ongoing process). Now: Never Give Up There were many truths that acted as lifelines along the way, and serve as lessons now. One of the most powerful lessons is the simplest: Never Give Up. Never give up. This is critical for anything you really want to achieve in life. Never give up on yourself. If you’re a parent, never give up on your child. Every situation is different and every choice we make is personal, and sometimes the choices are painful, but never lose faith that a better day is possible. Never lose hope that things will get better. It’s true, not all things we hope for come to pass, but we have a greater chance of experiencing better days if our minds are open to the possibility of them. We have an even better chance to get to those better days if we expect and know in our hearts that we will get there. This mindset works whether we are facing challenges and obstacles in life, or we are going after goals that no one else thinks we can achieve. It’s not what others think that matters— It’s what we believe. And I believe in the power of never giving up.