The Best (and Funniest) Office Quotes From Your Favorite Characters at Dunder Mifflin, Including Dwight, Kevin and Michael Scott
Funny quotes from NBC’s, The Office. Hilarious quotes from Michael Scott, Dwight, Kevin, Andy, Creed and the whole Office cast.
Based on the BBC comedy of the same name, The Office aired for nine seasons, from 2005 to 2013, on NBC before finding new life in streaming and syndication. Besides giving its audience a good laugh, the mockumentary sitcom remains relevant as a window into the workplace and its many relationships. It also delivered a seemingly endless series of hilarious The Office quotes.
Most of us have experienced office life, so it’s easy to relate to the show’s events and characters. Working so close to a bunch of people who are different from you can sometimes be frustrating and awkward. But because you’re already there, you might just try to make things work — everyone else is doing the same. And if, at the end of the day, you can leave your cubicle with a smile, you’ve accomplished much more than you realize.
77 The Office Quotes to Pick You Up from a Bad Day
The Office is among the most iconic workplace comedies of the past few decades. It provided viewers with an array of quotable lines that have stuck with us long after the 2013 series finale.
From Jim’s epic pranks to Dwight’s nonsensical rants to Michael’s crazy shenanigans, the employees of Dunder Mifflin Paper Company have uttered some of the most memorable words in modern television. Most of the dialogue is hilarious, and some of it is straight up cringe-worthy. But there are also plenty of sweet moments that will tug at your heartstrings.
“I am one of the few people who looks hot eating a cupcake.” – Kelly Kapoor
“For my New Year’s resolution, I gave up drinking… during the week.” – Meredith Palmer
“I have been trying to get on jury duty every year since I was 18 years old. To get to go sit it in an air-conditioned room, downtown, judging people, while my lunch is paid for… that is the life.” – Stanley Hudson
“How is it possible that in five years, I’ve had two engagements and only one chair?” – Pam Beesly
“From time to time I send Dwight faxes. From himself. From the future.” – Jim Halpert
“Do I look like someone who would waste my own time?” – Robert California
“I talk a lot, so I’ve learned to just tune myself out.” – Kelly Kapoor
“The man is wearing sandals. I don’t need to see Oscar’s toes at work. Gross! I mean he looks like he just got off the boat.” – Angela Martin
“I don’t care what they say about me. I just want to eat. Which I realize is a lot to ask for. At a dinner party.” – Pam Beesly
“What are your weaknesses? I don’t have any, a–hole.” – Kelly Kapoor
“I normally don’t enjoy making people laugh.” – Angela Martin
“Oh, it is on, like a prawn who yawns at dawn.” – Andy Bernard
“One day Michael came in and complained about a speed bump on the highway. I wonder who he ran over then.” – Jim Halpert
“We have a gym at home. It’s called the bedroom.” – Phyllis Lapin-Vance
“You guys I’m, like, really smart now. You don’t even know. You could ask me, ‘Kelly, what’s the biggest company in the world?’ And I’d be like, ‘blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah blah blah.’ Giving you the exact right answer.” – Kelly Kapoor
“A few years ago, my family was on a safari in Africa and my cousin, Mufasa, was um, he was trampled to death by a pack of wildebeests and um, we all took it really hard.” – Ryan Howard
“I don’t want to be married in a tent like a hobo.” – Kelly Kapoor
“Dwight mercy-killed Angela’s cat.” – Pam Beesly
“I don’t talk trash, I talk smack. They’re totally different. Trash talk is hypothetical, like: Your mom is so fat she can eat the internet. But smack talk is happening like right now. Like: You’re ugly and I know it for a fact ’cause I got the evidence right there.” – Kelly Kapoor
“I wake up every morning in a bed that’s too small, drive my daughter to a school that’s too expensive, and then I go to work to a job for which I get paid too little. But on pretzel day? Well, I like pretzel day.” – Stanley Hudson
“Oh, I don’t think it’s blackmail. Angela just does what I ask her to do, so I won’t tell everyone that she’s cheating on Andy with Dwight. I think for it to be blackmail, it would have to be a formal letter.” – Phyllis Lapin-Vance
“You know what they say about a car wreck, where it’s so awful you can’t look away? The Dundies are like a car wreck that you want to look away from, but you have to stare at it because your boss is making you.” – Pam Beesly
“My roommate wants to meet everybody. Because I’m pretty sure he thinks I’m making Dwight up. He is very real.” – Jim Halpert
“I wonder what people like about me. Probably my jugs.” – Phyllis Lapin-Vance
“I’m guessing Angela is the one in the neighborhood that gives the trick-or-treaters toothbrushes, pennies, walnuts.” – Pam Beesly
“Sometimes I get so bored I just want to scream, and then sometimes I actually do scream. I just sort of feel out what the situation calls for.” – Kelly Kapoor
“Stanley just drank OJ out of my mug and didn’t seem to realize that it wasn’t his hot coffee. So, the question has to be asked, is there no limit to what he won’t notice?” – Jim Halpert
“Last year, Creed asked me how to set up a blog. Wanting to protect the world from being exposed to Creed’s brain, I opened up a Word document on his computer and put an address at the top. I’ve read some of it. Even for the internet, it’s… pretty shocking.” – Ryan Howard
“It’s like I used to tell my wife. I do not apologize unless I think I’m wrong, and if you don’t like it, you can leave. And I say the same thing to my current wife, and I’ll say it to my next one, too.” – Stanley Hudson
The ‘World’s Best’ Michael Scott Quotes
Self-proclaimed “World’s Best Boss,” Michael Scott remains one of the unforgettable sitcom characters of the 21st century. His iconic one-liners still crack us up. Just as he was goofy and witty, he was also inappropriate and offensive at times, making him relatable to anyone who’s ever worked in an office.
Love him or hate him, Michael provided laughter, eye rolls and the occasional nuggets of wisdom. The Office has made us all feel a bit better about our daily work lives, and if you need a good laugh, these Michael Scott quotes will put a smile in your face.
“I don’t hate it. I just don’t like it at all and it’s terrible.”
“Guess what, I have flaws. What are they? Oh I don’t know. I sing in the shower. Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I’ll hit somebody with my car. So sue me.”
“I saved a life. My own. Am I a hero?… I really can’t say, but yes!”
“I am running away from my responsibilities and it feels good.”
“It takes an advanced sense of humor. I don’t expect everybody to understand.”
“I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.”
“Any man who says he totally understands women is a fool. Because they are un-understandable.”
“I live by one rule: No office romances, no way. Very messy, inappropriate… no. But, I live by another rule: Just do it… Nike.”
“I understand nothing.”
“I would say I kind of have an unfair advantage, because I watch reality dating shows like a hawk, and I learn. I absorb information from the strategies of the winners and the losers. Actually, I probably learn more from the losers.”
“I knew exactly what to do, but in a much more real sense I had no idea what to do.”
“Do I need to be liked? Absolutely not. I like to be liked. I enjoy being liked. I have to be liked, but it’s not like this compulsive need to be liked, like my need to be praised.”
“I say ‘Dance,” they say, ‘How high?'”
“I’m not usually the butt of the joke. I’m usually the face of the joke.”
“They always say that it’s a mistake to hire your friends. And they are right. So, I hired my best friends. And this is what I get!?”
“Whether you’re scared of dying, or dying alone, or dying drunk in a ditch, don’t be. It’s going to be OK.”
“This is a dream that I’ve had… since lunch… and I’m not giving it up now.”
Motivational Quotes from Dunder Mifflin
The daily grind of corporate life can be mundane. The Office cast still captivates viewers because of how easy it was to relate to their routine drudgery. Whether it was Michael, Jim, Dwight, Pam or any of the show’s other unique characters, each had bits of dialogue that were quirky, insightful and inspiring.
As much of it was filled with hilarious moments, the show’s ability to capture what it’s like to be an employee made many of us feel less alone in our own experiences. If you need a boost to get you through the workday, these motivational quotes from The Office will keep you going, and probably make you chuckle.
“You only live once? False. You live every day. You only die once.” – Dwight Schrute
“I stopped caring a long time ago.” – Creed Bratton
“There’s something about an underdog that really inspires the unexceptional.” – Robert California
“I am about to do something very bold in this job that I’ve never done before: try.” – Jim Halpert
“I have decided that I’m going to be more honest. I’m gonna start telling people what I want, directly. So, look out world, ‘cuz ‘ol Pammy is gettin’ what she wants. And, don’t call me Pammy.” – Pam Beesly
“Look, I know the reason that you guys became accountants is ’cause you’re not good at interacting with people. But guess what? From now on, you guys are no longer losers. So gives yourselves a round of applause.” – Kelly Kapoor
“Fool me once, strike one. Fool me twice, strike three.” – Michael Scott
Dwight Quotes from The Office
By far one of The Office‘s most unique characters, Dwight Schrute steadily delivered awkward moments and hilarious one-liners. His ongoing rivalry with Jim, his loyalty to his job and his epic pranks quickly turned him into a fan favorite. Assistant to the regional manager, Dwight taught us some life lessons, well beyond beet farming.
Although Dwight wasn’t particularly nice to his co-workers (other than Angela), he was a hard-working and dedicated employee. The Office wouldn’t be the widely successful series we’ve come to love and cherish without him. These are some of Dwight’s most memorable quotes.
“PowerPoints are the peacocks of the business world; all show, no meat.”
“Whenever I’m about to do something, I think, ‘Would an idiot do that?’ and if they would, I do not do that thing.”
“You couldn’t handle my undivided attention.”
“I am faster than 80 percent of all snakes.”
“Bread is the paper of the food industry. You write your sandwich on it.”
“If I were buying my coffin, I would get one with thicker walls so you couldn’t hear the other dead people.”
“I never thought I’d say this, but I think I ate too much bone marrow.”
“I’m fast. To give you a reference point. I’m somewhere between a snake and a mongoose. And a panther.”
“‘R’ is among the most menacing of sounds. That’s why they call it ‘murder’ and not ‘mukduk.'”
“People underestimate the power of nostalgia. Nostalgia is truly one of the greatest human weaknesses, second only to the neck.”
“If I were buying my coffin, I would get one with thicker walls so you couldn’t hear the other dead people.”
“Today, smoking is going to save lives.”
“Identity theft is not a joke, Jim! Millions of families suffer every year.”
“The eyes are the groin of the face.”
Best Lines from The Office
It’s no surprise the hit sitcom continues to grow in popularity. Dunder Mifflin employees’ hilarious commentary has turned The Office into one the most-watched and -memed shows in recent memory.
From Michael’s weird words of wisdom to Stanley’s sarcastic comments, the crew at Dunder Mifflin have made viewers laugh, cringe and maybe even cry a little. In case you need a reminder of how legendary The Office is, here are some of the comedy’s best lines.
“The worst thing about prison was the dementors.” – Michael Scott
“I am a black belt in gift wrapping.” – Jim Halpert
“I am Beyonce, always.” – Michael Scott
“Newsflash: You are not special.” – Stanley Hudson
“I just wanna lie on the beach and eat hot dogs. That’s all I’ve ever wanted.” – Kevin Malone
“If I don’t have some cake soon, I might die.” – Stanley Hudson
“Who says exactly what they’re thinking? What kind of a game is that?” – Kelly Kapoor
“I’m an early bird and I’m a night owl, so I’m wise and I have worms.” – Michael Scott
“Sorry I annoyed you with my friendship.” – Andy Bernard
“There are always a million reasons not to do something.” – Jan Levinson
“Why are you the way that you are?” – Michael Scott
“I have a lot of questions. Number one, how” dare you?” – Kelly Kapoor
The Office Quotes About Life
Much of The Office’s success lies in how it captures day-to-day life in the workplace. Just as each season is packed with humor and wit, it’s also loaded with human moments and important life lessons.
It’s always fun to re-watch a sitcom and pick up on some of the more subtle insights we missed the first time around. The Office is one of those shows that conveys a lot of wisdom from which we can all benefit.
“I wish there was a way to know you’re in the good old days before you’ve actually left them.” – Andy Bernard
“So this is my life. Until I win the lottery. Or Pam finally writes that series of young adult books.” – Jim Halpert
“Life is short. Drive fast and leave a sexy corpse. That’s one of my mottos.” – Stanley Hudson
“The doctor said, if I can’t find a new way to relate more positively to my surroundings, I’m going to die. I’m going to die.” – Stanley Hudson
“I’m glad Michael’s getting help. He has a lot of issues, and he’s stupid.” – Phyllis Lapin-Vance
“I miss the days when there was only one party I didn’t want to go to.” – Ryan Howard
“There’s a lot of beauty in ordinary things. Isn’t that kind of the point?” – Pam Beesly
The Office Quotes About Work
The Office captures what it’s like to be an employee working in a cubicle job, more specifically at a mid-level paper company struggling to adapt to changing times. Now, if you’ve ever watched The Office and felt like the gang at Dunder Mifflin’s Scranton, Pennsylvania, branch could read your mind, and that Michael just gets you, know that you’re not alone.
Michael might not have always been the greatest manager, but even in his most baffling moments, he cared for his employees like family. If you need a little laugh or some inspiration to stay motivated in your 9-to-5 job, check out some of The Office’s most memorable quotes about work.
“Business is a doggie dog world.” – Michael Scott
“Everything I have I owe to this job… this stupid, wonderful, boring, amazing job.” – Jim Halpert
Yeah, I’m no”t a temp anymore. I got Jim’s old job. Which means at my 10-year high school reunion, it will not say ‘Ryan Howard is a temp.’ It will say ‘Ryan Howard is a junior sales associate at a mid-range paper supply firm’… That’ll show ’em.” – Ryan Howard
“I guess I’ve been working so hard, I forgot what it’s like to be hardly working.” – Michael Scott
“Every so often, Jim dies of boredom.” – Pam Beesly
“Do I have a special someone? Well, yeah of course. A bunch of ’em. My employees.” – Michael Scott
“It’s true. Around this office, in the past, I have been a little abrupt with people. But the doctor said, if I can’t find a new way to relate more positively to my surroundings, I’m going to die.” – Stanley Hudson
“An office is for not dying. An office is a place to live life to the fullest, to the max, to… An office is a place where dreams come true.” – Michael Scott
“If I had to, I could clean out my desk in five seconds, and nobody would ever know that I’d ever been here. And I’d forget, too.” – Ryan Howard
Inspirational Quotes from Dunder Mifflin
In all of its absurdity, The Office had a way of inspiring us to recognize and enjoy beauty in the mundane. The show had no shortage of hilarious lines, and the characters have shared some pretty encouraging words of wisdom along the way. Whether it’s lessons about love, relationships, or work, The Office has taught us so much.
We can always count on the employees of Dunder Mifflin to snap us out of a funk and remind us not to take life, or ourselves, too seriously. To celebrate their uniqueness and the show’s success, we’ve gathered some of The Office’s most inspirational quotes to lift your spirits when the going gets tough.
“Would I rather be feared or loved? That’s easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.” – Michael Scott
“Yes, I have a dream, and it’s not some MLK dream for equality. I want to own a decommissioned lighthouse.” – Stanley Hudson
“When you’re a kid, you assume your parents are soulmates. My kids are going to be right about that.” – Pam Beesly
“Sometimes I’ll start a sentence and I don’t even know where it’s going. I just hope I find it along the way.” – Michael Scott
“You miss 100 percent of the shots you don’t take – Wayne Gretzky. ” – Michael Scott
Kevin Quotes from The Office
Kevin Malone wasn’t exactly an eloquent speaker, but he’s delivered some truly magical lines. He may not have been the sharpest tool in the shed, but it was easy to see there was a little bit of him in all of us.
He fantasized mostly about food, and not working, while on the job — and, well, how can you not relate to that? If you’re struggling to get through the workday and need a good laugh, check out these legendary quotes by the one, and only, Kevin Malone.
“Mini cupcakes? As in the mini version of regular cupcakes? Which is already a mini version of cake? Honestly, where does it end with you people?”
“I got six numbers. One more would have been a complete telephone number.”
“Me think, why waste time say lot word, when few word do trick.”
“The only problem is whenever I try to make a taco, I get too excited and crush it.”
“I have very little patience for stupidity.”
“You think this is a great party? This cake has vegetables in it.”
“I want to be wined and dined and sixty-nined.”
“I go to the bathroom for 45 minutes and everything changes.”
“Put back everything in the vending machine, except the fruit.”
“I love banter, but I hate witty banter.”
“I wanted to eat a pig in a blanket, in a blanket.”
“The people here are amazing debaters. I guess you can say they are master-baters.”
“Angela’s cats are so cute, you just wanna eat ‘em. But you can’t eat cats…”
“Oh, yeah, it’s bad. It’s real bad. It’s like eating a hot circle of garbage.”
Creed Quotes from The Office
One of the show’s shadiest and most confusing characters, Creed Bratton, quality assurance director, has some of The Office’s most fascinating lines. An enigmatic man, his suspicious behavior and strange antics always left viewers with more questions than answers.
From identity theft to being the leader of a cult, we never got a real sense of who Creed Bratton truly was. Turns out, his name is also Creed Bratton in real life, too – that much we know. To celebrate the show’s strangest characters, here are some of Creed’s most unforgettable quotes from The Office.